Take him back????

[sdflgirl]

I met my Capricorn man on line. We hit it off real well. We saw/talked with each other everyday for 3 months. Then I got an email stating that there was no spark and he needed to move on. I was shocked and devastated. I asked if he would meet me or call me so could talk and he refused. I of course couldn't let it go and started snooping around and found out that 2 weeks before I got my email he was seeing someone after work (of course lying to me)and this someone was 13 years younger then him. Well they dated for 4 months and when it ended he was emailing me. He wrote: "we had some small issues but nothing major I'd be willing to give it a go again if you would like to." my reply was "let's start by going to lunch/dinner and talking" it's almost been two months and we are still at the friend stage. He has not tried to kiss me or made moves towards us sleeping together. We hug. I have been told by my friends that I should run the other direction and not get back involved with him but something attracts me to him and I want this relationship to work. I don't know if I can trust him. The thought will be in the back of my mind "is he sleeping with someone else or is it just me". I find it hard to talk to him about my feelings so I usually email him. I want us to move to the next step and start having sex again. I miss that. I am trying to be very patient. Not sure what to do next......Ask: "if we are in a relationship/dating exclusively or are we going to remain friends and date other people" Help.....Thoughts????? Thank you

[Jiivy]

I never listened to some of those red flags that bugged me. That voice in the back of my head...

 

She used to say things like "well, you know - relationships don't always last. Who knows if we'll be together in the future?" We were ENGAGED to be MARRIED and that was her approach to our love. I let this go past me...despite how hurt I was that she felt this way about us.

 

We moved in to our first house, on Valentine's day she wrote me a card that said, "I love being here with you, in our house - I want this to last forever. If not forever, at least for the next 10 years or so!" and I LET THIS SLIDE. Why won't it last? Didn't she want it to?... Well a year later, it was over.

 

And it bugged me. And it worried me...because I was so sure and had the courage of conviction in our relationship that I never actually felt was given back. Ohhhh and lo and behold! She left me for another man after 7 years.

 

Don't ever ever let these problems fester in your heart and in your mind. Speak your mind with him now, you absolutely deserve to know where you're at in a relationship...always. Don't ever step away from asking the questions you know he has to answer. Don't make my mistake.

[FredJones80]

I

She used to say things like "well, you know - relationships don't always last. Who knows if we'll be together in the future?" [/u]

 

Jiivvy, a lot of what you write is very similar to me, i got at various points "nothing is forever" and "if you love someone let them go"

 

I always used to answer, "that's a stupid saying, if you love someone keep hold of them"

 

Did we date the same person ?

[Jiivy]

Jiivvy, a lot of what you write is very similar to me, i got at various points "nothing is forever" and "if you love someone let them go"

 

I always used to answer, "that's a stupid saying, if you love someone keep hold of them"

 

Did we date the same person ?

 

I understand that sometimes relationships don't work. When two people have a problem and they communicate that challenge - then it might be absolutely the right thing to walk away if that challenge simply cannot be resolved. No, not everything lasts forever...

 

...what bugged me, sat so uncomfortably in me was that her attitude was so blazé - as if people "just" stop loving each other and drift away in the wind. It's a destructive form of dettatchment mindset I think stems from an inability to claim responsability for a tough situation. It's the approach that says, 'well, relationships should just work by themselves.'

 

What a crock of ****. We probably did end up dating the same girl...

[FredJones80]

...what bugged me, sat so uncomfortably in me was that her attitude was so blazé - as if people "just" stop loving each other and drift away in the wind. It's a destructive form of dettatchment mindset I think stems from an inability to claim responsability for a tough situation. It's the approach that says, 'well, relationships should just work by themselves.'

 

A lot of what you say rings true with my situation, I've had to stop following you round in threads because I just find myself agreeing with you all of the time.

 

I think what you say here holds a lot of weight. I suspect if you hold the view of "nothing lasts forever" right from the start then you expect it to end at some point and will either subconsciously work to that formula or by expecting something to happen a certain way leads to it ending that way.

 

I think where your story is different is my ex had many bad historical situations which probably contributed to her outlook on life, very sad indeed if you knew the full back story and I contribute some of that to the decline of the relationship, although not all, because that would be letting my failings off the hook

 

You seemed a bit younger than when my relationship started so less time for your ex to have had so many bad past experiences, but perhaps there is something in her history that lead to this train of thought? I understand this is public, if you fancied talking about this more in private then it may be interesting - again, no specific need to as it is your and her personal business.

[Jiivy]

Unfortunately, she had NO relationships of her own prior to ours for the judgment to take basis. She was my first girlfriend, I was her first boyfriend (and my extension, fiancée / fiance)

 

This was probably a large part of the reason why she wanted to leave - curiosity killed the cat, so they say.

 

But there are lots of reasons why her outlook on relationships could be this way anyway. Her parents are divorced (and very messily so) and have been for years. Her mother is constantly at her father's throat, even some 15 years down the line.

 

Likewise, her older sister (to whom she looks up to) has run through a string a damaging relationships spanner her 20's.

 

Between her father remarrying twice, her mother becoming a single alocoholic and her older sister never making it work...she has NO role models to which to look up (at least not in her nuclear family). She has some relatives who are in stable, loving relationships but unfortunately they're all at each other's throats too (large family fortune is at stake).

 

I guess ultimately, it's a mix of her family and her friends around her that probably helped to shape this opinion.

 

Whilst I agree no relationship lasts forever, I believe that stepping in to a relationship with the mindset this "things might just fall away" one day is a completely damaged point of view. Her new guy will likely find this out, whether it's in 7 months or 7 years like me.