Accepting that our relationship may not get better

[i.want.out.]

Dear all,

 

 

I posted a couple of threads here, all about my family.

 

 

I am finding it hard to accept that they will not change. I need to deal with the fact that they will never see anything wrong with the way they treated me (belittling, insults, accusations, demonizations, mistrust). Somehow, I just want them to see that I am not the evil person they think I am. They have such a misleading image of me,and no matter the lack of evidence regarding my immoral behaviour (been accused of sleeping around and STILL no one believes me despite that these are just rumours!)

 

I have to accept that things may NEVER improve between us. This is the scary part, not the conflict per se, but the fact that I have to prepare myself for probably a permanent estrangement.

 

 

The truth is too much to bear! How can I feel less upset about this?

 

 

Thanks

[J2911]

Dear all,

 

 

I posted a couple of threads here, all about my family.

 

 

I am finding it hard to accept that they will not change. I need to deal with the fact that they will never see anything wrong with the way they treated me (belittling, insults, accusations, demonizations, mistrust). Somehow, I just want them to see that I am not the evil person they think I am. They have such a misleading image of me,and no matter the lack of evidence regarding my immoral behaviour (been accused of sleeping around and STILL no one believes me despite that these are just rumours!)

 

I have to accept that things may NEVER improve between us. This is the scary part, not the conflict per se, but the fact that I have to prepare myself for probably a permanent estrangement.

 

 

The truth is too much to bear! How can I feel less upset about this?

 

 

Thanks

 

It sounds like it's time to part ways I'm sorry

[Tayla]

Start by changing the "nevers" to "Prehaps not now". Sorry for your turmoil. I had a set of foster parents that "projected" their own misgivings onto the chidlren. There was often them stating mis-facts and punishing without prper communication. As I turned into a mature adult, I saw their flaws and learned just how wrong they were in their raising. Its hard to go thru and I am sorry you are enduring it. Create space both emotionally and physically. You aren't in this world to change them, all you can do is remain true to your morals and proper character.

[Fugu]

Understand that it takes two sides to have a relationship. If one side is being unreasonable and forcing you to accept terms that you, in your heart, know are unacceptable, then that's not a relationship. Even in healthy relationships, disagreements occur, and sometimes they're intense and they can take a while to resolve. But when it gets to the point where one side feels it necessary to demean and debase the other, that's not a relationship; that's manipulation. It's then up to you whether to stand on your own and demand relationships with people, or to capitulate and sacrifice yourself. It seems like you know this, I'm just reminding you.

 

I would suggest that you keep the door open. Don't change the terms, but keep the door open to the possibility - however remote it might be now - that people might change. It might be only one person, and they might only change their perceptions ever so slightly. You can't control them, but you can leave the door open for them to change. That's all you can do. Bear in mind, some people reach a point at which they decide it's too painful even to keep the hope of reconciliation alive. I hope you don't reach that point, but the older I get, I think that *the* most important thing in our lives - the most fundamental of all things - is to have a healthy love of self. Without it, it's hard to have relationships with others that are meaningful.

[ja123]

Book suggestions:

 

 

 

 

Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" and "Emotional Blackmail"