I'm having a hard time letting go.

[Tiff]

Dear Reader,

 

Hi, my name is Tiffany, Tiff for short. I have been having issues with getting over emotional hurt. I have been hurt in many ways lately. I discovered that my childhood still gives me pain, after all it is still coming. I am a 17 year old female. I have had issues with my family and many friends. Particularly in middle school and my mom. Now, I have a better self esteem, but I can't take those risks in life. I am afraid being hurt again. I knwo I need to let go, but I can't. I am writing this to let the world know what wrong, and hopefully get some good advice on how to improve my life. If anyone out there has been in the same experience that I will now explain, please tell me what you did to get over it all. In fact for anyone out there who has advice, please tell me. I am here to listen.

 

To start from the beginning, I am a young girl, who's dream is to find true love. Even with many people I know I can trust, I simply don't. I am trying to find the way to trust them, and later trust the world. I have those issues of trust, if you haven't noticed.

 

I developed these issues because of my childhood. My mom didn't know how to love. She never knew. Her mother, my grandma, was the same way. My grandma developed that by her parents. Her hather was a drunk and was never there for them. Her mother had Scitezophernia (mispelled, sorry). She was left ont he streets, being taken care of by her sister who didn't care about her at all. She basically never knew love. Never experienced it or never loved anyone. She became bitter and took it out on her family. My mom felt that. She never knew real love. She had a mother, but she didn't feel that love. She may have recieved many gifts, because my grandma didn't want anyone to not have those things that she didn't have growing up herself.

 

Each of us suffer from he same issues. I see that now. I know I have had many problems that they both have had, but they grew stubborn. I see that they are making themselves unhappy because of that. They are never letting anyone in and tearing people's hearts up. I see that. I too have done that in the past. I may have not done it to the extreme, but I still have those behaviors. I want to stop that in myself. I guess you can say I want to stop the chain of emotional infection.

 

I need forgivness. Even if it's in my own heart. Its hard to come by. I always feel that if I could do something else, I could allow them to see that. I could help them, but unfortunitly I can't. I still try, but I can't.

 

I even find myself in my other relationships at that point, where I feel I can help them. I can change them as well. I get involved in relationships with immature men. It even goes dow to simple attraction. I am only attracted to men that are not what I want.

 

For instance, I was in a relationship late last year, and I haven't gotten over it yet. I know in my heart that I will never date him again, but I still try to understand why it happened the way it did. Why I was so blind to see the problem that was there in the first place.

 

The 411 on this guy was very weird. I first met him at school. He was in my math class. I am in an advanced math class, and I saw him as smart. He was intelligent but not smart. Of course, I really didn't know that at that time. After a few conversations, we completely hit it off. I loved that he had this incredible self confidence in himself. I saw that and admired that. I wanted that. I subconsciencly thought I could learn something from him. He seemed to have what it took, so he could teach me. Not only that, he really liked me. He noticed me. I never had been noticed before. I was very shy before, and he was the first guy I ever connected with. The summer taught me to be outgoing, but I wasn't around people my own age yet. At the beginning of the year, I was outgoing, and he happened to be the first guy I met and he was very outgoing himself.

 

Then, after a few months, I got enough strength to ask him for his number. I felt like I was taking the risk with someone who was that guy I always invisioned for myself. I should have seen that he didn't ask for my number because he had issues with that. He was very flirtatious but he rarely dated. I learned that after a few phone calls. By then, it didn't madder though. I was infatuated.

 

On these phone calls, i found myself being the one who called. He called once or twice, which can't be good. We talked for so long everytime. It was at least a few hours. I loved that. I wanted that so much, but I couldn't express my feelings. He did, all the time. He told me so much. I felt like I was on the top of the world. It was amazing, but I didn't understand, he was giving too much, but he did it differently than I did. i called a lot, he gave his heart too quickly.

 

After a few phone calls and weeks, I ended up hanging with him after school. I only was around him for a short while, but he started to show me his life. He was a real;ly big flirt. It was almost to the point of extreme. He would constantly hug and kiss girls on the cheeks. That really didn't bother me, but there were other things that did more so. he would cover the mouth of a girl and kiss his hand where her mouth would be. Kind of like the forbidden territory. I didn't understand that. Why did he need to do that. Then, I thought, hey this is what attracted me to him, I couldn't cahnge him, and he wasn't my boyfriend anyway. oh well.

 

He was too self conscience. He always asked why i liked him or why he was so lucky to have me. he also was constantly telling me that he wasn't gay. He must have had some trouble with that.

 

He introduced me to everyone and they were really nice and had lots of great things to tell me about him too. I felt in seventh heaven. Everything was great. I started backing off and not giving so much and I felt I was normal and healthy for once. Then he asked me to homecoming. I was estatic.

 

Like all good things, it came to an end. One day after school, I was hanging out with him. He were totally infatuated with each other. He had said somethig that was hard to swallow. He told me he loved me. I thought why, but I didn't say a thing. I never have been told that I was loved like that by anyone. I was scared but flattered. At this time I was still weak. I allowed myself to believe it.

 

Then the true craziness began. We started dating. I asked him out. We had a great time. It was a fun time for me, but I was setting myself up for a true problem later.

 

After a week and a half, he asked me to go steady with him. At first I was thinking, i don't know you, but then I gave in. After all, I was weak and I wanted to be loved like that. It got crazy after that. We started to be around each other a lot after school, but we never did anything outside school. At that time it was ok to me, because we stayed after school for 2-3 hours at a time.

 

Then when he male friends would talk to me, he wopuld get really jealous. He would constantly ask if i was cheating or if I found them sexier than him. he had issues about physical appearence.

 

I should have seen that desperation in him. He wanted it so badly himself that he did the same thing. This is a sign of a lack of self confidence, and yet he looked like he had a wonderful confidence in himself. I was confused, so i avoided all that confused me.

 

At some point, he told me to not call as much. he didn't want his parents to find out. He technically wasn't supposed to date until college. I didn't like that. I questioned him, he said, "How could you question my commitment to you. My parents are just like that. If they found out, I would have to break up with you." I saw that. I gave him another chance, but I remain weary from that point on.

 

Then before finals, we got physically intimate. After that though he ignored me all weekend. He said it was because he was in trouble by his parents, but it still bothered me.

 

When Monday came around, he tried it again. I hated that. I didn't want to, but he didn't stop. After a few minutes he did, but that was because i needed to get to work. He always understood work requirments.

 

I told him that I didn't want to be physical as much as we were. He agreed. There was too much stress with it. I felt like he understood me. I was so happy.

 

Later, he told me that he wouldn't have sex with me. He didn't believe in premarrital sex. I told him that I did, and I would have (which I am glad I didn't). He got scared. the next day we were supposed to hang out. he didn't even call. When i called him, he made it quick. I told him i would respect his wishes. that is something that can't be rushed.

 

Then it began, the true pain sank in. We had no relationship. He wasn't willing to slow down and wait for me. He expected me to just drop everything and give him what he needed. What he needed was for me to wait for him. He would never contact me outside of school except the internet, emails and IMs. Before and after class we would only talk for five minutes, sometimes not at all. But he still expected me to stay. He said we had uncondidtional love. I knew I didn't though. Above all that, he asked for a break. Not a break up, but a break from dating. I agreed but said I still wanted to hang out after school. he agreed.

 

Then in class, he started flirting with this other girl a whole lot. He never dated her, but he was flirting. I tried to say to myself, look he is just flirtatious. He is just that way, accept him for who he is. So I forgot about that.

 

After a while, i voiced my concern about the time we spent together. He then asked me over. I was so thrilled. But later he told me that he felt he had to be with me, that he didn't want to be there. He also said when i questioned what he said, that I was weak. Why would he want to date a weak person. That hurt a lot, but still didn't break up with him.

 

The next day he apoligized. I felt better, but I was really weary then. I told him I felt like I was going to break up with him. he said he never even thought about it, but before he did, but then he thought this is too good to do that. It was stupid.

 

Later that week, I felt sick. I felt this wasn't going anywhere. I was lost. So I asked him if what would happen to us in college. We were both going to seperate schools. This is hurt a lot. his first response was that when he went to Japan for a mouth he never kept in contact with anyone. He probably wouldn't. i was already unhappy about the present, now there wasn't a future. Why was I with him.

 

I gave myself time to think and I broke it off the next day. he asked if it was because of what he said about the college thing. He said that he didn't mean it. that he said that, but when he started thinking about it, he thought he was scared to lose me. I told him that wasn't why. In fact, I felt it was a big part, but during that day I let myself recall all those things I should have seen sooner. i couldn't stay. I wanted to, but this was about self respect. Something i don't always have. Something i hold the most dear to my heart. I couldn't go back and I managed to do that. i am very pround of myself because of that, but i came close to running back.

 

After that, the next day, i heard from a friend that he was cuddling with another girl at a party. They were sitting hugging each other and they fell asleep together. I felt so bad. I knew then I would never date him again. He hurt me even after it was over.

 

i called him up that night to ball him out. He said the truth, but he saw nothing wrong with it. He was being truthful. I believed what he said, I just didn't know that was an issue with me before I said it was ok to flirt the way he did.

 

he got really emotional. he said he didn't want me to hate him like this. He kept on calling and calling all night, so I talked to him. he explained everything but I didn't back down. then he got on the internet and talked to me there. I decided to hear his side of the story. I am like that. i need to see what everyone has to say. So I did.

 

He gave up after 3-4 hours. After that, i appoligized that. I felt I did freak out, but I knew I wasn't going to date him again.

 

the next day, I IMed him again. I wanted to remain friends. I hate hate. I simply can't hate anyone. I still don't hate him. I just think it is sad that he is so confused. He wants love but he doesn't give enough in the right ways. So he gives the big things in a relationship, without the small things that produce trust and real love.

 

When I talked to him, he started thinking I was the witch from hell. he said so many things that were so hurtful. He said I was the only person who ever questioned his integrety. I was the only person who treated him so badly. He told his friends about what happened the night before and they couldn't believe it. He said everyone thought we were so perfect together. He said I was a heartless fool. I was mean and terrible to the core, at least thats what he was making me feel. I didn't like that but I wanted to remain friends because he was the only male I was somewhat friends with. i told him that I wished he would have a great life and good luck. He told me that if I thought there was a chance that he still loved me, I probably was right. He was really dramatic and emotional. He was trying to get me to change. i wasn't going to. At some point I laughed at the way he was acting. then we said our goodbyes, but that wasn't the end of it.

 

The next day, he said sorry, and he wanted to be friends. i was willing to forgive, but not date him. I acted like he was a friend, and that was it. He started acting weird. I started flirting with other guys and he came in and hugged me, like it was a way saying this girl is still mine, you can't have her. later that evening, he imed me. He asked about those guys, he said that is what he asks his friends. I was uncomfortable with that. i didn't want to tell him that. he wasn't in my life that way.

 

The next few days after that, he got emotional again. He said he was incapable of love. I said if you would have giving me time, time in being together and to wait for me to get to that point, I wouldn't have broken up with him. He said he couldn't give that. I knew then it was worthless. i tried to help as a friend. tell him he couldn't do that to people. but he didn't listen. He remained stubborn. Just like my grandma and my mom. Its interesting huh?

 

Later he said I was the girl he respected more than anyone else. My only thought is how do you respect others. What is that. Its got to be bad. i realized I wanted him to learn from his mistake. Not because I wanted to date him, but because i didn't want another to feel the way i did.

 

Over winter break, he imed me once or twice. He never asked how I was or how I was feeling. He just wanted to talk about himself. He was egotistic. He was hidding an inner problem through his egotism. I knew that he wasn't completely self confident because he said he had thoughts of suicide before. All the time.

 

I knew that before so I was trying to be as nice as can be. He still didn't understand what I did for him. He just said I never tried. I did. i just didn't make a big deal when i tried.

 

then he called Christmas eve, two weeks after the break up and wanted to give me a christmas gift. I said I was busy with my family, but merry christmas. then we didn't talk for two weeks. No eye contact even. And he gave me a gift. A mix cd he had made for me. then no contact forever. I felt so distrubed by this, who wouldn't.

 

I felt so bad, then i lost my job. I couldn't handle it. I got depressed. But with that it gave me strength and now I know what I need to find my soul and find my confidence. I know the cause. I just want to know if anyone can give me advice on how to make it work out this time, and forget about my ex totally.

 

thank you

 

Tiff

[David]

Tiff,

 

That was some post! I enjoyed reading it.I'm sorry your feeling bad about the situation. Just give it time.

 

Your both very young. Issues such as insecurity, jealousy, intamacy, and committment are things that even married couples struggle with. They're always gonna be there in one way or another.

 

As a guy, I can kinda relate to what this guy is goin through. It's tough to commit completely at that age. Life is so crazy at that age. It's a defense mechanism. Sometimes we sabotage great relationships because we know they're not gonna work anyway. (at least I do)

 

Give it time with him. You'll forget him. Stay in touch if you want. Give him another chance if you want. It's all up to you.

 

If your a bright, college bound gal, I would focus on that right now. You're more likely to find mature ( more able to committ???) guys on college campuses.

 

I hope this kinda helped.

[Ninja Extrodinare]

Dear Reader, Hi, my name is Tiffany, Tiff for short. I have been having issues with getting over emotional hurt. I have been hurt in many ways lately. I discovered that my childhood still gives me pain, after all it is still coming. I am a 17 year old female. I have had issues with my family and many friends. Particularly in middle school and my mom. Now, I have a better self esteem, but I can't take those risks in life. I am afraid being hurt again. I knwo I need to let go, but I can't. I am writing this to let the world know what wrong, and hopefully get some good advice on how to improve my life. If anyone out there has been in the same experience that I will now explain, please tell me what you did to get over it all. In fact for anyone out there who has advice, please tell me. I am here to listen. To start from the beginning, I am a young girl, who's dream is to find true love. Even with many people I know I can trust, I simply don't. I am trying to find the way to trust them, and later trust the world. I have those issues of trust, if you haven't noticed. I developed these issues because of my childhood. My mom didn't know how to love. She never knew. Her mother, my grandma, was the same way. My grandma developed that by her parents. Her hather was a drunk and was never there for them. Her mother had Scitezophernia (mispelled, sorry). She was left ont he streets, being taken care of by her sister who didn't care about her at all. She basically never knew love. Never experienced it or never loved anyone. She became bitter and took it out on her family. My mom felt that. She never knew real love. She had a mother, but she didn't feel that love. She may have recieved many gifts, because my grandma didn't want anyone to not have those things that she didn't have growing up herself.

 

Each of us suffer from he same issues. I see that now. I know I have had many problems that they both have had, but they grew stubborn. I see that they are making themselves unhappy because of that. They are never letting anyone in and tearing people's hearts up. I see that. I too have done that in the past. I may have not done it to the extreme, but I still have those behaviors. I want to stop that in myself. I guess you can say I want to stop the chain of emotional infection. I need forgivness. Even if it's in my own heart. Its hard to come by. I always feel that if I could do something else, I could allow them to see that. I could help them, but unfortunitly I can't. I still try, but I can't. I even find myself in my other relationships at that point, where I feel I can help them. I can change them as well. I get involved in relationships with immature men. It even goes dow to simple attraction. I am only attracted to men that are not what I want. For instance, I was in a relationship late last year, and I haven't gotten over it yet. I know in my heart that I will never date him again, but I still try to understand why it happened the way it did. Why I was so blind to see the problem that was there in the first place. The 411 on this guy was very weird. I first met him at school. He was in my math class. I am in an advanced math class, and I saw him as smart. He was intelligent but not smart. Of course, I really didn't know that at that time. After a few conversations, we completely hit it off. I loved that he had this incredible self confidence in himself. I saw that and admired that. I wanted that. I subconsciencly thought I could learn something from him. He seemed to have what it took, so he could teach me. Not only that, he really liked me. He noticed me. I never had been noticed before. I was very shy before, and he was the first guy I ever connected with. The summer taught me to be outgoing, but I wasn't around people my own age yet. At the beginning of the year, I was outgoing, and he happened to be the first guy I met and he was very outgoing himself. Then, after a few months, I got enough strength to ask him for his number. I felt like I was taking the risk with someone who was that guy I always invisioned for myself. I should have seen that he didn't ask for my number because he had issues with that. He was very flirtatious but he rarely dated. I learned that after a few phone calls. By then, it didn't madder though. I was infatuated.

 

On these phone calls, i found myself being the one who called. He called once or twice, which can't be good. We talked for so long everytime. It was at least a few hours. I loved that. I wanted that so much, but I couldn't express my feelings. He did, all the time. He told me so much. I felt like I was on the top of the world. It was amazing, but I didn't understand, he was giving too much, but he did it differently than I did. i called a lot, he gave his heart too quickly. After a few phone calls and weeks, I ended up hanging with him after school. I only was around him for a short while, but he started to show me his life. He was a real;ly big flirt. It was almost to the point of extreme. He would constantly hug and kiss girls on the cheeks. That really didn't bother me, but there were other things that did more so. he would cover the mouth of a girl and kiss his hand where her mouth would be. Kind of like the forbidden territory. I didn't understand that. Why did he need to do that. Then, I thought, hey this is what attracted me to him, I couldn't cahnge him, and he wasn't my boyfriend anyway. oh well. He was too self conscience. He always asked why i liked him or why he was so lucky to have me. he also was constantly telling me that he wasn't gay. He must have had some trouble with that. He introduced me to everyone and they were really nice and had lots of great things to tell me about him too. I felt in seventh heaven. Everything was great. I started backing off and not giving so much and I felt I was normal and healthy for once. Then he asked me to homecoming. I was estatic.

 

Like all good things, it came to an end. One day after school, I was hanging out with him. He were totally infatuated with each other. He had said somethig that was hard to swallow. He told me he loved me. I thought why, but I didn't say a thing. I never have been told that I was loved like that by anyone. I was scared but flattered. At this time I was still weak. I allowed myself to believe it. Then the true craziness began. We started dating. I asked him out. We had a great time. It was a fun time for me, but I was setting myself up for a true problem later. After a week and a half, he asked me to go steady with him. At first I was thinking, i don't know you, but then I gave in. After all, I was weak and I wanted to be loved like that. It got crazy after that. We started to be around each other a lot after school, but we never did anything outside school. At that time it was ok to me, because we stayed after school for 2-3 hours at a time. Then when he male friends would talk to me, he wopuld get really jealous. He would constantly ask if i was cheating or if I found them sexier than him. he had issues about physical appearence.

 

I should have seen that desperation in him. He wanted it so badly himself that he did the same thing. This is a sign of a lack of self confidence, and yet he looked like he had a wonderful confidence in himself. I was confused, so i avoided all that confused me. At some point, he told me to not call as much. he didn't want his parents to find out. He technically wasn't supposed to date until college. I didn't like that. I questioned him, he said, "How could you question my commitment to you. My parents are just like that. If they found out, I would have to break up with you." I saw that. I gave him another chance, but I remain weary from that point on. Then before finals, we got physically intimate. After that though he ignored me all weekend. He said it was because he was in trouble by his parents, but it still bothered me. When Monday came around, he tried it again. I hated that. I didn't want to, but he didn't stop. After a few minutes he did, but that was because i needed to get to work. He always understood work requirments. I told him that I didn't want to be physical as much as we were. He agreed. There was too much stress with it. I felt like he understood me. I was so happy. Later, he told me that he wouldn't have sex with me. He didn't believe in premarrital sex. I told him that I did, and I would have (which I am glad I didn't). He got scared. the next day we were supposed to hang out. he didn't even call. When i called him, he made it quick. I told him i would respect his wishes. that is something that can't be rushed. Then it began, the true pain sank in. We had no relationship. He wasn't willing to slow down and wait for me. He expected me to just drop everything and give him what he needed. What he needed was for me to wait for him. He would never contact me outside of school except the internet, emails and IMs. Before and after class we would only talk for five minutes, sometimes not at all. But he still expected me to stay. He said we had uncondidtional love. I knew I didn't though. Above all that, he asked for a break. Not a break up, but a break from dating. I agreed but said I still wanted to hang out after school. he agreed. Then in class, he started flirting with this other girl a whole lot. He never dated her, but he was flirting. I tried to say to myself, look he is just flirtatious. He is just that way, accept him for who he is. So I forgot about that. After a while, i voiced my concern about the time we spent together. He then asked me over. I was so thrilled. But later he told me that he felt he had to be with me, that he didn't want to be there. He also said when i questioned what he said, that I was weak. Why would he want to date a weak person. That hurt a lot, but still didn't break up with him. The next day he apoligized. I felt better, but I was really weary then. I told him I felt like I was going to break up with him. he said he never even thought about it, but before he did, but then he thought this is too good to do that. It was stupid. Later that week, I felt sick. I felt this wasn't going anywhere. I was lost. So I asked him if what would happen to us in college. We were both going to seperate schools. This is hurt a lot. his first response was that when he went to Japan for a mouth he never kept in contact with anyone. He probably wouldn't. i was already unhappy about the present, now there wasn't a future. Why was I with him. I gave myself time to think and I broke it off the next day. he asked if it was because of what he said about the college thing. He said that he didn't mean it. that he said that, but when he started thinking about it, he thought he was scared to lose me. I told him that wasn't why. In fact, I felt it was a big part, but during that day I let myself recall all those things I should have seen sooner. i couldn't stay. I wanted to, but this was about self respect. Something i don't always have. Something i hold the most dear to my heart. I couldn't go back and I managed to do that. i am very pround of myself because of that, but i came close to running back. After that, the next day, i heard from a friend that he was cuddling with another girl at a party. They were sitting hugging each other and they fell asleep together. I felt so bad. I knew then I would never date him again. He hurt me even after it was over. i called him up that night to ball him out. He said the truth, but he saw nothing wrong with it. He was being truthful. I believed what he said, I just didn't know that was an issue with me before I said it was ok to flirt the way he did. he got really emotional. he said he didn't want me to hate him like this. He kept on calling and calling all night, so I talked to him. he explained everything but I didn't back down. then he got on the internet and talked to me there. I decided to hear his side of the story. I am like that. i need to see what everyone has to say. So I did. He gave up after 3-4 hours. After that, i appoligized that. I felt I did freak out, but I knew I wasn't going to date him again. the next day, I IMed him again. I wanted to remain friends. I hate hate. I simply can't hate anyone. I still don't hate him. I just think it is sad that he is so confused. He wants love but he doesn't give enough in the right ways. So he gives the big things in a relationship, without the small things that produce trust and real love. When I talked to him, he started thinking I was the witch from hell. he said so many things that were so hurtful. He said I was the only person who ever questioned his integrety. I was the only person who treated him so badly. He told his friends about what happened the night before and they couldn't believe it. He said everyone thought we were so perfect together. He said I was a heartless fool. I was mean and terrible to the core, at least thats what he was making me feel. I didn't like that but I wanted to remain friends because he was the only male I was somewhat friends with. i told him that I wished he would have a great life and good luck. He told me that if I thought there was a chance that he still loved me, I probably was right. He was really dramatic and emotional. He was trying to get me to change. i wasn't going to. At some point I laughed at the way he was acting. then we said our goodbyes, but that wasn't the end of it. The next day, he said sorry, and he wanted to be friends. i was willing to forgive, but not date him. I acted like he was a friend, and that was it. He started acting weird. I started flirting with other guys and he came in and hugged me, like it was a way saying this girl is still mine, you can't have her. later that evening, he imed me. He asked about those guys, he said that is what he asks his friends. I was uncomfortable with that. i didn't want to tell him that. he wasn't in my life that way. The next few days after that, he got emotional again. He said he was incapable of love. I said if you would have giving me time, time in being together and to wait for me to get to that point, I wouldn't have broken up with him. He said he couldn't give that. I knew then it was worthless. i tried to help as a friend. tell him he couldn't do that to people. but he didn't listen. He remained stubborn. Just like my grandma and my mom. Its interesting huh? Later he said I was the girl he respected more than anyone else. My only thought is how do you respect others. What is that. Its got to be bad. i realized I wanted him to learn from his mistake. Not because I wanted to date him, but because i didn't want another to feel the way i did. Over winter break, he imed me once or twice. He never asked how I was or how I was feeling. He just wanted to talk about himself. He was egotistic. He was hidding an inner problem through his egotism. I knew that he wasn't completely self confident because he said he had thoughts of suicide before. All the time. I knew that before so I was trying to be as nice as can be. He still didn't understand what I did for him. He just said I never tried. I did. i just didn't make a big deal when i tried.

 

then he called Christmas eve, two weeks after the break up and wanted to give me a christmas gift. I said I was busy with my family, but merry christmas. then we didn't talk for two weeks. No eye contact even. And he gave me a gift. A mix cd he had made for me. then no contact forever. I felt so distrubed by this, who wouldn't. I felt so bad, then i lost my job. I couldn't handle it. I got depressed. But with that it gave me strength and now I know what I need to find my soul and find my confidence. I know the cause. I just want to know if anyone can give me advice on how to make it work out this time, and forget about my ex totally. thank you Tiff

Howdy Tiff, I'm really sorry things didn't work out for you, but there are always better times ahead. I know how much it hurts with getting your heart tossed around, but it will happen. It's really good that you want to change from the way your family is, because, well, you know where that road will take you.

 

On the topic of true love, I thought I found it once, I dated a girl when I was VERY young, I think I was around 15, and we ended up dating for 5 years. Of course nothing is forever, and when it ended so did every kind of contact with her. I thought the world got up and walked away on me. It took me a long time to get over the pain and to this day, I still think of her every day, and it's been 3 years since we parted company. But there's no pain anymore. Just memories.

 

The only advice I think I could offer, don't worry about love right now. Learn to love yourself before you love someone else. Remember that everything in life ends, (I know it sounds harsh, but it's reality) and that every end is a new beginning. This may sound weird, but when I feel down on myself and feel s***ty, I think about all the nice things people have said and done for me and vice versa, by the time I'm done thinking, I wondered why I felt bad in the first place.

 

Never doubt yourself, and smile more often because just being alive is grand experince in its own, ups and downs.

 

I hope this helps in any kind of way.

 

Keep smiling and look forward, not back.

 

Ninja