Zero Motivation

[Inflikted]

We all have different destinies in life, different fates that we must accept. Some are meant to be alone, some are not.

 

The sooner you accept your lot in life, the less stressful it becomes. Stop resisting.

 

See, I've tried to force myself, over the months, to accept that I'll always be alone, and it just hurts too much. So much so that I get to the point of wanting to do physical harm to myself. In fact, a month or two ago, there was an instance where I... hurt myself, because of how bad that notion hurt me. I was so ashamed that I did that to myself, but that's how it makes me feel. I don't want to go down that road again, because I'm scared of what I might do to myself...

[benkaye]

I really don't want to go to a gym, because I'm too self-conscious to work out in front of other people. But I also have concerns about "going for a jog", or whatever, because I live in a not-so-safe neighborhood (heck, a few years ago, a postal worker was shot dead in a random act of gang violence just a block or two from where I live). And my home, itself, is much too small to accommodate any kind of proper workout routines. So, I've been pondering on these options for a while, now, but none are particularly appealing to me.

.

 

These excuses are almost laughable I'm afraid.

 

How are you expecting to improve your life/lifestyle when you aren't prepared to make a change, move outside of your comfort zone and try something new? I think you'll be surprised with the result.

 

No one is going to force you to get down to the gym, you need to find it in yourself. If you really want something, if you really want to see huge improvements in your life, you'll do WHATEVER it takes to make them happen.

[Inflikted]

These excuses are almost laughable I'm afraid.

 

How are you expecting to improve your life/lifestyle when you aren't prepared to make a change, move outside of your comfort zone and try something new? I think you'll be surprised with the result.

 

No one is going to force you to get down to the gym, you need to find it in yourself. If you really want something, if you really want to see huge improvements in your life, you'll do WHATEVER it takes to make them happen.

 

Yes, I don't deny that. But let's be real, here, going to the gym, or working out, that's not going to make my problems go away.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes, I don't deny that. But let's be real, here, going to the gym, or working out, that's not going to make my problems go away.

 

No it won't, because you don't understand the message behind it.

 

Going to the gym was a suggestion to get you to be more confident about yourself, which you are sorely lacking, and that is the problem. You need to do things that make YOU happy and confident, such as working out. Anything that makes you feel better about yourself. That is why this poster suggested it.

 

It doesn't have to be working out or lifting weights or whatever. Just something that makes you feel confident in yourself. We all have to work at it - it doesn't come naturally - so commit yourself to work on YOU and then you can worry about relationships.

[Strength in Healing]

Yes, I don't deny that. But let's be real, here, going to the gym, or working out, that's not going to make my problems go away.

 

 

If you get a great physique, then understand, people will be coming up to you all the time. You'll be viewed as a man's man, and girls will definitely not friendzone you 1/100th as much. Just trust me on this.

 

What you are describing, however, is clinical depression. Listen to me. I don't know where you live, but I strongly recommend you google ketamine depression clinical tests. Find the one closest to you, email them, and take part in it. It's for treatment-resistant depression, and can turn your life around. There is nothing but great success reported so far.

 

What's holding you back is your lack of motivation. I am only 1 year into my Phd in psych. but I would venture to say your lack of motivation is due to depression, which also accounts for the feelings of isolation. If you knock out depression, you will be free to do what you WANT, and I can help you strongly at that point brother.

[benkaye]

Yes, I don't deny that. But let's be real, here, going to the gym, or working out, that's not going to make my problems go away.

 

- It will give you a change of routine and get you out of the house.

- It will give you some time in the day to NOT think about your troubles, since you'll be concentrating on working out.

- Keeping fit is proven to release endorphins which make you feel good about yourself (A healthy body is a healthy mind)

- You'll look much better for it and be even more attractive to women.

- This is only the start, this is 1 of 20 things you'll start to do to improve your lifestyle and become the person you want to be.

 

There are many more reasons, but these are the ones that come to the front of my mind.

 

Have a read of this book too. It's only very short and will really help:

 

Amazon.com: How to be Happy (No Fairy Dust or Moonbeams Required) eBook: Cara Stein: Kindle Store

Edited May 11, 2014 by benkaye

[Inflikted]

If you get a great physique, then understand, people will be coming up to you all the time. You'll be viewed as a man's man, and girls will definitely not friendzone you 1/100th as much. Just trust me on this.

 

I feel like that's more applicable for someone who goes through a dramatic change, like someone who weighs 300+ pounds dropping all the weight and getting into good shape. I may be talking a bit about "letting myself go", but I'm actually a pretty small guy. I only weigh, like, 150, and a lot of people don't even seem to believe that when I tell them. Put me next to most people, and I look relatively average. Even if I did lose weight and get in better shape, it wouldn't really be that noticeable to most people.

 

Besides, I still have other characteristics that are objectively unattractive. Mainly, I'm freakishly short. I don't even think I'm 5'1", like I tell people... I can't make myself taller, and that alone is a huge deterrent.

 

Basically, what I'm getting at is, I don't have much ambition to lose weight or get in shape because I feel like that would be time spent working on an issue that's probably only a fraction of my problem at best. I see bigger, huskier guys (even guys who are downright obese) with nice, petite girlfriends, with friends that enjoy their company... If they can do it without losing weight and getting in phenomenal shape, why can't I? Hence the notion that it's me, on a fundamental level, that is the problem. It doesn't matter whether I'm slightly chubby or I have the physique of a body builder; something about me, as a person, on a deep level, is just so unappealing to people.

 

To me, getting in shape is just a distraction, something to attempt to take my mind off of my problems, but honestly, that doesn't work for me. I've tried "distractions" in the past, in the form of new hobbies, and whatnot. It doesn't work; what ends up happening is, my bad feelings end up getting stronger and become so difficult to deal with that I just give up on said new activities because they're no longer distracting me from anything.

 

What you are describing, however, is clinical depression. Listen to me. I don't know where you live, but I strongly recommend you google ketamine depression clinical tests. Find the one closest to you, email them, and take part in it. It's for treatment-resistant depression, and can turn your life around. There is nothing but great success reported so far.

 

I suppose I can look that up, but what if there's nothing local? And at some point, I assume treatment is going to cost me, and that's money I simply don't have.

[Strength in Healing]

I mean this realistically not in a mean way, but you're being too argumentative. You remind me of me when I went through the phase where everyone said I didn't listen to advice.

 

Your issue from what I've been able to discern, is your depression. I have a feeling at one point you were less depressed, but always depressed. Look those studies up for now. Don't worry about when it'll cost you money, if ever. You can make money by getting a job once you get rid of the depression that is telling you that there is no point to anything.

 

You're intelligent, but you are the type of intelligent I refer to as black hole intelligent. My ex was similar, but albeit probably worse, overall. Anyways, what it is is your intelligence eats everything positive alive. You rationalize why you should just stay depressed and stay feeling down, and stay a victim. And don't tell me you don't think of yourself as a victim. It means nothing to me if you think you are or not. You're making yourself one. Every. Day.

 

You have to start recognizing the black hole behavior, or it, along with your depression, will be an unbeatable combo. Focus on one at a time. I recommend the depression, as it is the core fundamental problem. The solutions to other problems will come with the alleviation of the depression, and of this I guarantee.

[Inflikted]

I mean this realistically not in a mean way, but you're being too argumentative. You remind me of me when I went through the phase where everyone said I didn't listen to advice.

 

You're intelligent, but you are the type of intelligent I refer to as black hole intelligent. My ex was similar, but albeit probably worse, overall. Anyways, what it is is your intelligence eats everything positive alive. You rationalize why you should just stay depressed and stay feeling down, and stay a victim. And don't tell me you don't think of yourself as a victim. It means nothing to me if you think you are or not. You're making yourself one. Every. Day.

 

That's fair, I don't disagree with that. As far as being a "victim", I guess it depends. Perhaps on a subconscious level, maybe. Honestly, I blame myself for everything, and I often find myself hating myself for being the person I am and having the life I do, because I recognize that it's all my fault. But it seems I'm set on hating myself and further punishing myself for being the way I am...

 

While I do feel disconnected, alienated, and ostracized from the rest of the world, while I do feel unappealing and unattractive and "unlovable", I don't blame the world for it, I don't blame others for it. I do notice the way people act towards me, and I feel bad because of it, but I don't blame them for it, so as to "victimize" myself.

 

Thing is, my mom got too much in my head, and really, still does. For as long as I can remember, she's always put on this poor, pitiful, "woe is me" act, about how no one likes her, all she has is bad luck, everyone is out to get her, nothing ever goes right, etc. Not to misplace blame, or anything, but I feel like that upbringing has really shaped me in a bad way. Neither my mom or my dad has any semblance of a social life, and honestly, my mom hates my dad (I'm pretty sure she only married him because she became pregnant with me). They don't ever really go out of the house, other than for necessities, like shopping and whatnot. I've always hated the way they lived, the way my mom acted, and I've wanted to be different. I've tried so hard, over the years, to not think like my mom, not act like my mom, not be like her in any way, but I guess no matter how hard I try, I just keep walking right in her footsteps...

[Strength in Healing]

That's fair, I don't disagree with that. As far as being a "victim", I guess it depends. Perhaps on a subconscious level, maybe. Honestly, I blame myself for everything, and I often find myself hating myself for being the person I am and having the life I do, because I recognize that it's all my fault. But it seems I'm set on hating myself and further punishing myself for being the way I am...

 

While I do feel disconnected, alienated, and ostracized from the rest of the world, while I do feel unappealing and unattractive and "unlovable", I don't blame the world for it, I don't blame others for it. I do notice the way people act towards me, and I feel bad because of it, but I don't blame them for it, so as to "victimize" myself.

 

Thing is, my mom got too much in my head, and really, still does. For as long as I can remember, she's always put on this poor, pitiful, "woe is me" act, about how no one likes her, all she has is bad luck, everyone is out to get her, nothing ever goes right, etc. Not to misplace blame, or anything, but I feel like that upbringing has really shaped me in a bad way. Neither my mom or my dad has any semblance of a social life, and honestly, my mom hates my dad (I'm pretty sure she only married him because she became pregnant with me). They don't ever really go out of the house, other than for necessities, like shopping and whatnot. I've always hated the way they lived, the way my mom acted, and I've wanted to be different. I've tried so hard, over the years, to not think like my mom, not act like my mom, not be like her in any way, but I guess no matter how hard I try, I just keep walking right in her footsteps...

 

 

Actually, you are making progress. It's true, your mom shaped you and a lot of your behaviors. But, in psychology, we teach that the mold can be broken by introspection. You are partaking in great deals of introspection. This will ultimately result in you breaking away from her upbringing, but still retaining all the positives that came from it. I know that may be confusing now, but in time, it won't be. You will be stronger, smarter, and free.

 

But you need to keep realizing you are holding yourself down with black hole intelligence. You have a tool few have, though, which is intelligence on that level. You just have to learn how to shape it and utilize it. Easier said than done, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WRONG. That's your mind doing what it does, again.

 

Seek the depression treatment. And I recommend getting far away, like leaving the country for a time if at all possible. You say you are really short, well, try visiting Malaysia. You will be revered there.

Edited May 14, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[Inflikted]

Seek the depression treatment. And I recommend getting far away, like leaving the country for a time if at all possible. You say you are really short, well, try visiting Malaysia. You will be revered there.

 

Heh... Honestly, I don't think I could just up and go somewhere "far away". For one, I don't have the income to travel. Secondly, I have responsibilities (work, school, etc.) that I can't just walk away from. Third, well... I mean, I barely even know what's going on in the city I live in, I barely even know how to navigate around by car and find places to go; I can't fathom booking travel plans, hopping on a plane, traveling across the world, having a good trip, and taking something away from it all.

 

As far as just getting away from my mom? Well, I'd love to move out, have a place of my own, maybe an apartment, or something, but again, I just don't have the income. Getting close to finishing school, and I'm hoping maybe I can find a better job, something full time, in the next six months, but for all I know, it could take me years to find better work.

[lino]

Hi Inflikted, how are you doing?

 

Any improvements to your motivation?

[Inflikted]

Hi Inflikted, how are you doing?

 

Any improvements to your motivation?

 

No, unfortunately. Last week or so has been pretty rough all around, in particular. I was already feeling pretty bummed, because everyone around me is generally doing well, career wise, as well as socially, lots of people I know have been having some good experiences with dating lately. Then, I found out that the only girl I've ever REALLY liked (who I don't even see or talk to anymore, but I see on social media) is dating someone, and that made me extra bummed. And on top of that, I've been having some annoying, petty fights with my mom. So, I've been feeling pretty bad lately.

[lino]

Sorry to hear hear that.

 

I'd lay off the social media of you can.

 

Do you have any hobbies or activities you can do to pass time?

if you're always alone and thinking, you'll stay depressed.

[Inflikted]

I'd lay off the social media of you can.

 

Yeah, sometimes I try, but just visiting the sites have become such a force of habit that I kind of do it without thinking. Doesn't help that I have a smartphone or am always around a computer, so it's just sort of like nothing. Plus, it sort of helps me feel like I'm keeping up with people even though I don't really have them in my life... Kinda sad, but eh. But yeah, I try. Just really difficult to get out of that habit.

 

Do you have any hobbies or activities you can do to pass time?

if you're always alone and thinking, you'll stay depressed.

 

Sorta, yeah, but for the most part, nothing ever takes my mind off of my problems. Honestly, it actually tends to make me perform worse at my hobbies BECAUSE I can't get my mind off of other things while I'm doing stuff. For example, I like nerdy things, like reading comic books and playing video games, but even when I'm doing those things, I'm not completely focused on them because my loneliness and sadness are picking away at me.

[Strength in Healing]

Get a tricyclic antidepressant and adderall. Legally.

[learning_slowly]

For example, I like nerdy things, like reading comic books and playing video games, but even when I'm doing those things, I'm not completely focused on them because my loneliness and sadness are picking away at me.

 

Is there a meetup in your area for any of those activities?

 

You have to go out of your comfort zone to change who you are.

 

Its easy to find excuses much harder to actively change. I know loads of successful small people. They're successful because they see there height as a deficiency too and try twice as hard to succeed.

 

When I bang my head on a low door, my extra height is not looked upon with such enthusiasm.

 

P.s. the exercise will help you in so many ways (your mind and your body), so what ever it is you choose, weights, seal training at home or dvds, make that change.

 

You said it won't help you; ask any girl whether they would prefer to go out with a guy who sits and plays computer games or somebody that has definition in there body and has the drive to change!

[Inflikted]

Is there a meetup in your area for any of those activities?

 

I dunno. Not really sure how, exactly, to go about finding stuff like that locally. I mean, I know "Google", and all, but it can still be difficult to actually find stuff.

 

You said it won't help you; ask any girl whether they would prefer to go out with a guy who sits and plays computer games or somebody that has definition in there body and has the drive to change!

 

To be fair, though, that's a bit of a generalization. You could say that about anything; like, you can say that a girl would rather date a "hot" guy than an "ugly" one. That's just common sense.

 

The thing is, those things you mentioned don't define me enough to be detrimental to me. Am I "trim", "cut", and/ or athletic looking? No. But am I morbidly obese, grotesquely overweight, and/ or sloppy looking? No. I may not have the "hottest" body, but I'm still smaller overall than most other guys I encounter, even some of them that are more bulked up and muscle-y.

 

Do I like video games and comic books, and other nerdy things? Yes. But am I a "fanatic"? No. Do I dress up in costume and go to conventions? No. Do I define myself by these hobbies? No. Would I ever turn down social gatherings in order to stay home and play video games or read comic books? No.

 

The thing that bothers me is that I see guys who are much worse than me in certain aspects, that manage to do just fine. I've seen plenty of guys who are more overweight, more out of shape than me, guys who aren't any more "good-looking" than me, guys who have pretty nerdy hobbies, even guys who have some pretty bad personal hygiene problems, all manage to date and have active social lives. If they can do it as they are, why can't I?

 

I don't believe that I'd suddenly become popular if I lost a couple pounds, or took up some hobby I don't really like just because it's "cool" to others. If people that are nerdier than me, and people who take care of themselves even less than I do can manage to do these things, then the problem is just me. Something about me just inherently... sucks, I guess.

 

It'd be different if I were 300+ pounds, totally out of shape (as in, out of breath just walking from one room to another), didn't take care of myself at all, who would turn down any and every invitation to socialize in order to stay shut in. But that's not me.

[learning_slowly]

From your reply, I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. Do things you enjoy, & ideally pwhich females may enjoy too.

 

Would you fancy a girl if she had no drive? Where she was happy to be average?

All of these guys you're comparing yourself to, maybe good at something, that you don't know about. You seem content to be ok at things.

 

If my generalisation is common sense, then can you not do things about it? Or rather why haven't you?

 

I think you find it easy to come up with excuses rather than try to tackle your problems, because the latter requires more work.

[Inflikted]

From your reply, I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. Do things you enjoy, & ideally pwhich females may enjoy too.

 

Would you fancy a girl if she had no drive? Where she was happy to be average?

All of these guys you're comparing yourself to, maybe good at something, that you don't know about. You seem content to be ok at things.

 

Do what, though? I already do the stuff I enjoy, and none of it is really conducive for meeting people or anything like that. There's really nothing I have any real interest in doing that would put in more "social" environments. I'm not averse to trying new things, but none of them really ever give me any kind of enjoyment, so I never really find new "things" to do, especially ones I could meet people through.

 

I'm not really sure I get your point about a girl having drive. I mean, yes, I would prefer to be with a girl that has goals and whatnot; I have goals, myself, mainly in terms of career, and little by little, I'm working towards them. But that doesn't make me feel any better about my life. It's hard for me to enjoy much of anything, because all I can ever really think about is how lonely I am, and how completely alone I feel.

 

I think you find it easy to come up with excuses rather than try to tackle your problems, because the latter requires more work.

 

Perhaps, but you have to understand where I come from. I spent my entire childhood with a mother who used fear mongering to make me feel terrified and paranoid about the outside world and everyone in it, a mother who also made me feel like I simply wasn't good enough for people in the outside world. It didn't help any that neither of my parents ever had any kind of social life, nor did they have very active lives at all. I grew up never having friends, never going to parties or other social events, never doing any of that. I literally never "learned" how.

 

Then I got to high school, and for four years straight, I was tortured by a group of kids who spent every waking moment antagonizing me in some way. They verbally abused me so much that it crushed my spirit completely, and the physical abuse from them was just the icing on the cake. I was an outcast, a reject, a whipping boy, good for nothing.

 

I understand how, without all the details, yes, you can say I'm just lazy or whatever. But the point I can't seem to get across to people is that I literally never learned how to be an active, social person. I never learned how to mingle and fraternize with people, I never learned how to bond with people, I never learned places to go and things to do to have a good time, I never learned how to go have fun with people, I never learned how to be friends with anyone, I never learned how to date.

 

All people seem to want to say is "Stop being lazy and take action", but you don't understand, I don't know what action. I don't know how to MAKE myself enjoy something new, I don't know how to find places to go and things to do, I don't know how to connect with people once I get there, I don't know how to do any of that. It's not "laziness", it's just that I'm so "programmed" to be the way I am that I just can't really comprehend anything else.

[lino]

Yeah, sometimes I try, but just visiting the sites have become such a force of habit that I kind of do it without thinking. Doesn't help that I have a smartphone or am always around a computer, so it's just sort of like nothing. Plus, it sort of helps me feel like I'm keeping up with people even though I don't really have them in my life... Kinda sad, but eh. But yeah, I try. Just really difficult to get out of that habit.

 

 

 

Sorta, yeah, but for the most part, nothing ever takes my mind off of my problems. Honestly, it actually tends to make me perform worse at my hobbies BECAUSE I can't get my mind off of other things while I'm doing stuff. For example, I like nerdy things, like reading comic books and playing video games, but even when I'm doing those things, I'm not completely focused on them because my loneliness and sadness are picking away at me.

 

Do you have any interests a bit more wholesome than reading comic books and playing video games?

 

Something that preferably involves some physical activity.

Do you live near the sea? If you do, I'd recommend trying surfing. It'll literally change your life.

[Inflikted]

Do you have any interests a bit more wholesome than reading comic books and playing video games?

 

Something that preferably involves some physical activity.

 

Not really, no. Never really cared much for "physical activity". Athletic-type stuff really never interested me at all, and I've always been too much of a klutz with poor coordination to do that kind of thing well. I tend to never really "learn" to get better at things, either; heck, I've been playing videos games since I was a child and have put tons of time into them, and I'm terrible at them, so even something I enjoy and have been doing for a while, I can't improve at in any way.

 

But yeah, I dunno. I'm just not really a "physical activity" kind of guy. I don't mean that in a "lazy" sort of way, I'm just... not really interested in that kind of thing.

 

Do you live near the sea? If you do, I'd recommend trying surfing. It'll literally change your life.

 

Not at all, no. I'm also pretty averse to water in general. Never learned how to swim, and my lung capacity sucks because as a kid I had pretty bad asthma. Not to mention, I've had a handful of traumatizing experiences as a child where had someone not been around to save me, I would've drowned. So I'm way too averse to water for something like that.

[blueskyday]

It's simple, my friend. You are lonely. You are also in transition in your life. Not quite on your own yet. But you will be graduating soon? That's progress. Your life will change dramatically when you get your first career job and move into your own place. You will have more power. You will make friends at work. Sunny days are ahead.

 

But what about now? You need connection and you need it fast. Exercising and all the other great suggestions will only help when you have connection with others. I hear your need for it in all your posts. And that's a very normal human need! No matter if we are an introvert or extrovert, we need human connection.

 

How to get that? Take small steps. Don't overthink it. Look up meetup.com groups for anything that seems fun. Go to a scheduled event this weekend! Lower your fear bar. Just show up. Say hi to people and smile. You do t have to do more. No pressure.

 

Also, today do one nice thing for someone else. Open a door for someone. Compliment someone. This small thing, done every day, takes the focus off of you, and shows you that you have the power to make things better for someone. And for yourself.

 

You are introspective. Read up on Buddhism and see if it sparks something in you. Find a philosophical and intellectual path that resonates with you. I can tell you are smart and sensitive. Great traits!

 

It's ok to feel down. We all do sometimes. Whether you know it or not, everyone here cares and sees your great heart. It's a good start for the connecting you need. Sometimes we just need one good hit in the game to feel like we are winning.

 

I think all will get better. You need to get out of your environment and connect. Did you know that 70% of our mood is based on our environment? So you need to get out of the house and sit at the coffee shop on your computer if you need to do some computer work. Go to the park and feed the squirrels. That could be your good deed. But really these tiny changes can make a huge difference. It's like getting that one hit in the game that you need to feel better.

 

And please remember that you are sad for a reason. You may need to grieve some things that have happened to you. Or you may need to state some unmet needs you have. It's okay to be sad, and have ups and downs of life. The trick is to wade through the water to get to the other side.

 

I hope this helps in some small way, but if it doesn't that's okay. You are fine the way that you are. You don't need to change anything about yourself. You are already all that you want to be. You simply need to find that within yourself and bring it out. I have no doubt that you are going to do that.

Edited June 19, 2014 by blueskyday

[emotionalMess]

Everyone is right. You have to do this for yourself. Forget anyone else. If you really want people in your life as you say

you are going to have to love yourself first. Lookup self-compassion, treat yourself like your own best friend. Dont tell yourself

anything that you would not tell your best friend ok? If on a daily basis, you keep telling yourself that you are a piece of crap, you will

start to believe this. Imagine if your parents said this to you every day, you would eventually become depressed right? Instead you say these things

to yourself and the result are the same. Stop doing it. Live now. Look in the mirror and compliment yourself on only your good

features. Dont say anything to yourself that you would not say to someone you love. Get it? Now get moving with the stuff below.

 

#1) The junk food is F**ing up your body and mind and making you feel like sh**t. Believe me, I used to

eat a lot of junk food and drink a lot diet soda and I felt so much like crap. This is a primary factor as why

you have a poor mood and are in a downward spiral. Go paleo: meat,chicken, fish, veggies, fruit, nuts, berries. No grain or dairy. Dude it will fall off trust me.

 

Once you start eating right, you will have so much energy you will have to do this:

 

#2) Get fit. Like the lady said, you build it they will come. Set aside the comics and electronics and get to work

on that body. You do not need to join a gym. Walk 20 min a day to start. Do air squats, push ups, mini crunches and pull ups every day. Even if you

can do a half pull-up, do it every day and in a month you will be able to do five.

 

It took me about 4 months to get fit and start to have a six pack for the first time in my life. You can do it man!

Edited June 20, 2014 by emotionalMess

[Inflikted]

See, one thing I've kind of realized lately is that I don't really "like" people all that much. That's not to say I "dislike" people, either, but I often just feel indifferent to people, because I simply can't connect with them very well. I'm not a "people" person. I'm not "afraid" of "putting myself out there", I just never really want to because I don't really like anyone. I feel like I just tolerate people to varying degrees, and for the most part, I "tolerate" people fine.

 

And some might say "So then what's the problem? Just keep being a loner". But the problem is, I don't like the fact that I don't really like people. It's lonely, it's sad, it's depressing... But what can I really do to change that? I can't just force myself to "like" people more. It doesn't work like that. At this point, it's just a part of who I am.

 

There have been a small handful of times where I knew people I actually "liked". Not people I felt like I was just "tolerating", like everyone else, but people who I actually genuinely liked for who they were, people I genuinely liked spending time with and talking to. Unfortunately, none of those people ever felt the same way about me, and I never actually got anywhere with them.

 

In my experience, actually "liking" someone (whether it be platonically or romantically) is like finding a needle in a haystack; except, in my experience, it's like when I finally find the needle, it immediately jumps right out of my hands and buries itself back in the haystack. I don't deny that I'm overly strict with who I "like", but again, what can I really do about that?

 

I wouldn't classify myself as "lazy" or "afraid" of putting myself out there, I just... don't really like most people. Despite that notion, though, I'm extremely lonely, and I crave the feeling of "liking" people and being "liked" back by them. But I just can't have that. And that further frustrates and depresses me.