mfleck91 Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I just found out my girlfriend was raped by her brother when she was little. I knew she had been molested but I prayed it wasn't this bad. As soon as she told me I broke into tears, uncontrollably shaking out of disgust and pure rage. I've never been so angry in my life, I've never wanted to hurt another person so badly. I'm afraid that if I ever saw her brother in person I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to kill him. It happened almost every night from ages 6 to 10. He would sneak into her room in the middle of the night. He would bait her with candy and when she told him no it happened anyways. She told her dad, but he continued to let it happen. There aren't words for the level of disgust, anger, and sadness I feel. She's 18 now, the brother is no longer in her life. Her parents got divorced but her father is still a presence. To think I shook his hand and tried to obtain his approval infuriates me, he should be in prison or worse. My ultimate point is that my girlfriend is starting to remember these occurrences, things she didn't know before and doesn't want to remember. She's afraid to sleep at night because she's afraid her brother will somehow show up. The only time she gets a good night of sleep is when she sleeps with me. I don't know what to do. I say she needs professional help. She says she has tried it several times and doesn't like talking to strangers. I'm used to being able to fix problems, my own and the problems of others, it's just what I do. But this, I don't know how to fix this....so I guess I'm asking for anything....help, advice, how do I deal with the way I feel about it? How do I help her? Link to post Share on other sites
J2911 Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I am so sorry to read this . I can imagine the rage you feel inside for her brother and father . You are right to have that and do not feel like you have to go near her father . Actually dont go near him or the brother bc your gf doesnt need you in jail but if you marry her then feel free to call her dad as the new husband and tell him what a peice of crap he is and he isn't welcome in your house when you are there . That is such a sad story. In time, when she feels she is ready she will do therapy again . My advice is always stay strong and supportive to her and listen to her and hold her . You are her therapist at this point and remember a therapist job is to listen and hold back personable feelings and not play a cop or murderer and take things in your own hands. I know you would love to do so and rightly so !!!!!! You hang in there and continue to be compassionate and loving . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 She needs professional help to heal from this. There are Women's Shelters who help rape victims regularly usually at little or no cost. Please tell her that you really wish that you could fix this for her but she needs to talk to someone who is trained in dealing with this. See if she will go just once for you and tell her that you will take her and wait for her during her session and be there for her and any in the future. Brace yourself though. Her dealing with this is going to put you into the position of feeling helpless a lot. The good news is if she follows through with it she will only get better. And be so grateful that you stood by her through it all, if you can handle it. Definitely start with a local women's shelter though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I understand this completely. My wife was severely abused as a child and I can't hear about it without wanting to kill her parents. Your gf really needs child and sexual abuse therapy, even though she may have had a few sessions, she needs it regularly because this will affect every part of her life, with you too. She can't deal with this in her own. When she is afraid to sleep, it is PTSD which results form trauma. You can't fix this but you can be there for her, be willing to listen and help her find the right therapist. I repeat...she cannot get over this without professional help and it may take several tries before she finds the right therapist for her. It might take a while for her to feel comfortable because she will not trust people in authoritarian roles as her brother was probably older and her father didn't help her or take her seriously. I'm very sorry she had to deal with something this messed up. Little girls in the world are very fragile because of their sex and their weakness and the way people think girls are hysterical if they mention stuff like this. It is an epidemic...if we knew the real numbers of little girls being sexually abused by family members we would probably be sick. Good luck, Grumps 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mfleck91 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I can't convince her to seek out help. I told her I would help her find help, that I would go with her as much as I could but there's no convincing her. She's so stubborn, she insists that it won't help an keeps saying she can't and won't talk to a stranger. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Im so sorry for your girlfriend :-( this made me very sad. Can you go together to a professional? Maybe she could get more used to the idea of talking to a professional if you go for couples counselling first (even though you don't have problems in your relationship per se). Other solution would be maybe if you moved in together? As you mentioned she feels safe around you, thus she sees you as a comfort. I've had a parasomnia disorder (night terror) because of trauma, but ever since I found a way to feel comfort when Im sleeping, I haven't had an episode in years. The solution I found is keeping a small light on. But I understand that maybe the solution of you two moving in together may not be sustainable, since you seem very young. What if you try together and find something else that makes her feel safe (safety locks, tv on, soft music, whatever). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I can't convince her to seek out help. I told her I would help her find help, that I would go with her as much as I could but there's no convincing her. She's so stubborn, she insists that it won't help an keeps saying she can't and won't talk to a stranger. I don't know what to do. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I'm going to warn you upfront, though, this is going to be incredibly emotionally draining on you. Unresolved trauma and grief can cause a whole host of problems that will affect her whole life. She may very well become unreasonable and irrational, short-tempered, anxious, distant, emotionally numb, depressed, euphoric, listless, self-blame and shame, the list goes on. If she attempt to process it on her own, she'll be relying on her own coping mechanisms...and, to be frank, she doesn't have any suitable enough to handle this. No one does, because no one should go through what she did. Her aversion to strangers is understandable after the pain she's been through, but it's also destructive and irrational - after all, you were a stranger at one point, and now you're not. She had to get used to you. The most you can do is listen. Personally, I'd suggest scheduling a time for the two of you to talk to a counselor together. This is going to affect how the two of you interact drastically, and even if you and your girlfriend end up talking to each other in front of the counselor...well, you'd be surprised at the kind of help a mediated conversation can have. Not to mention, the counselor might have some insights on how you two can work through things together. There is NO working through this on your own, and if you two try, it WILL destroy your relationship eventually. Healing from these experiences has no set pattern or schedule, and her repeated "relapses" will take their toll on the two of you if they're not balanced by professional help and the perspective that can bring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 In a way she is stuck at age 6 in her mind because her emotional development was stunted. If she won't help herself then it means she would rather be dysfunctional than be in a healthy, functional relationship with you. Those are the only two options. I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 In a way she is stuck at age 6 in her mind because her emotional development was stunted. If she won't help herself then it means she would rather be dysfunctional than be in a healthy, functional relationship with you. Those are the only two options. I'm sorry. I don't think they are the only options. I think that is a little closed minded. People can and do survive things that the rest of us are amazed by. For some reason now (possibly because of the relationship) she is having memories come up. You have no way to know if she will cope and get out on the right side herself or not OP. There was a time no one had therapy and all of that..we survived. Making an issue of things can make it an issue..sometimes a person has to ride the waves for a while and see where they end up. They may end up on a rock with solidity. They may not. The waves need riding or they never get anywhere and nothing changes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mfleck91 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I don't know what I'm going to do the next time she tries to be intimate with me...it's different know. I know what happened there, it happened literally hundreds of times from what I know. I don't know how to deal with that, the while time we're having sex all I'll be able to think about is her being raped by her brother.... Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I don't know what I'm going to do the next time she tries to be intimate with me...it's different know. I know what happened there, it happened literally hundreds of times from what I know. I don't know how to deal with that, the while time we're having sex all I'll be able to think about is her being raped by her brother.... I would suggest you seek therapy for yourself and encourage her to seek therapy for herself. As she has refused, you could ask her why she is worried about talking to a stranger about it. You have reacted with shock and this can't have helped to reassure her about revealing her truths to others. All you can do is make contact with people who might be able to help her and let them advise you how you can encourage her. I do not think that telling her how you might feel when having sex with her will help her at all. This is why you need to talk to someone separately. Above all, this is not your girlfriend's fault and she should not be made to feel dirty or bad because of what others have done. Your mental reaction could result in you doing this inadvertently so please talk to someone experienced in this then you can support your girlfriend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mfleck91 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 Oh I know it isn't her fault, I don't feel that way at all and I'm trying very hard to make that clear to her. It's my own personal feelings that are causing my fears. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 oh im truly sorry that your girlfriend had to live with this happening to her why aren't those bastards in prison?i fear her brother might even have other victims good luck,i truly hope she can get some help,ive been going to a marriage counselor,and I said the same thing,i cant talk to strangers,but its different once you find a good one 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Like Fairy Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 This happened to a friend of mine. Once she gets healed, she may want to prosecute. But there may be a statute of limitations depending on the state. I know that is all very far down the road, if it happens at all. So sorry for the both of you. I hope you will get counseling, I think it will spur her to join you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I don't think they are the only options. I think that is a little closed minded. People can and do survive things that the rest of us are amazed by. For some reason now (possibly because of the relationship) she is having memories come up. Right. PTSD. It needs addressing. I wasn't speaking of all people. Just the girl who this topic is based on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 She was raped she lost her childhood and innocence without any reason She just lost that..... Such unlucky person need someone who loves her and cares for her always..... If you feel that you can't even have sex with her anymore .... You are hurting her too If you think you can't handle being with her anymore ..You can let her go, it's better now than later when she finally has thought she found someone whom she can trust and love and then he leaves her Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 In a way she is stuck at age 6 in her mind because her emotional development was stunted. If she won't help herself then it means she would rather be dysfunctional than be in a healthy, functional relationship with you. Those are the only two options. I'm sorry. Agree, this young person is coping thru avoidance. The concern is the bf is the proclaimed "fixer". That part is concerning. Its for her to mend and him to be supportive. I endured the taboo of family incest. It defiles the soul. The relative is still a saint in the extended families eyes. I learned to accept that past incidence and move on to a loving lifestyle. Hope she gets help, she is going to suffer otherwise..., 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) Agree, this young person is coping thru avoidance. The concern is the bf is the proclaimed "fixer". That part is concerning. Its for her to mend and him to be supportive. I endured the taboo of family incest. It defiles the soul. The relative is still a saint in the extended families eyes. I learned to accept that past incidence and move on to a loving lifestyle. Hope she gets help, she is going to suffer otherwise..., I'm sorry to hear that Tayla I think you're right that she can't do this alone with only his help. Trauma like that wounds the very essence of your being and the coping mechanisms can appear in the smallest of situations to make for unhealthy thinking and unhealthy reactions to small situations. This stuff can rock you to your core and a lot of the coping mechanisms were developed by a six year old child. Sometimes you have to go back so that you can move forward but I wouldn't recommend anybody doing that alone without the help of a trained professional. It's totally worth it though IME because it's better to be in the moment than live in the past. Edited May 11, 2014 by amaysngrace Link to post Share on other sites
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