Please HELP im still in love with a cheater...Men- can they change??...

[LindseyNY]

Ok, so i am a little new at this- I was in a long serious committed relationship with a guy who of course i thought was everything. We had talked marrage (and come to find out he had gotten me a ring for chirstmas.) I had never felt a love like that before, and for about 7 months of the relationship it was long distance. But we still made time to see each other about every 3-4 weeks, and many hours on the phone.

 

About a week before christmas i had a gut feeling suspision, and contacted his ex-girlfriend. To my surprise he had cheated on me twice with her, and had been keeping her on a string just in case we didnt work out. But apparently he had told her about a week before i found out that he didnt want anything to do with her, and finally told her he has a girlfriend and was in love with her.

 

I was just torn to pieces, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Had horrible images in my head. just wanted to die.

But i continued to talk to him and argue with him everyday. He ruined my christmas, and took my happiness away from me. all of my hopes & dreams of a future withhim were takin out from under me. I was so good to him too, i was going to give up everything for him, i never even looked at another guy i was so in love with him. and he played it off so well.. was so sincere. i felt like such a fool, i blammed myself i got sickly thin. And then I turned bitter.

 

 

I mean instead of making myself a better stronger women.. i lowered myself.... i kept him on that string and told him i was trying to work through it.. but really i wasn't i was trying to get over it. but knowing he was sitting at home being miserable made me feel better.. and thats so wrong! I went out to parties and tried to meet guys. Lied to him abotu where i was and who i was with. The reasons that i did it were simple.. i had lost respect for him, as a man as a person. I also thought that if he knew i was going out all the time he would go out and sleep around.

 

SO after 7 weeks of absolute hell arguing lying crying everything. I told him how i had slept with my best friend right before he got diployed to Iraq. He was upset but still wants to work things out.. He hasnt done anything in the past 7 weeks, he has realized his mistake and that i am the one for him adn wants me back. IS he for real?

 

Should i give him another chance? Is he capable of changing? I told him my actions were wrong, but never would have happened if he had made me into a monster i mean i hated him for what he did to our relationship and i guess i wanted revenge but its not right.. i realise that i made a mistake.. i know i can change... can he? please help.. i am still in love with him... men out there-- can u change?? or are us women stupid for thinking that with the right girl u can change??

[Weird]

So you did actually sleep with your best friend? Wow. That seems pretty lame to go do something like that just because your guy did something like that.

 

Yeah he can change just like you can. What I do know is both of you need to change before you two ever think of marriage because if you two didnt the marriage would end in a divorce. If I was with a girl and cheated on her (I wouldn't) and then she did the same thing to me just to try and hrut me I'd prolly never try and work things out with her simply because I'd look at what she did and lose all respect for her and think she was 12 years old wiht that revenge crap.

 

The eye for an eye stuff doesnt work in relationships. Yes,what he did was horrible and I can't stand guys who cheat...but what you did is IMO just as bad simply because you sunk down to that level to try and hurt someone rather than take the high road and then to make it worse, you blame him for your action of sleeping with another guy. Sorry but it was YOU who chose to sleep with a guy and you cant pin the blame on anyone else. Lame to try and blame someone else for turning you into a "monster"

 

Anyway, yeah guys can change and it sounds like this guy was on his way to change by telling this ex to screw off as he wanted to be with you and only you. Still, I would keep an eye out on this guy just in case he is trying to blow smoke up your ass....

[CoolAunt]

Can men change? Are you kidding? Most men can't even change the empty toilet paper tube with a full roll of toilet paper.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by LindseyNY

men out there-- can u change?? or are us women stupid for thinking that with the right girl u can change??

 

generally, NO, we don't change. unless there is some major life altering event.

[roxy_1980]

Having many male friends...and constantly hearing about their exploits...I have seen that men can change. They just need the proper motivation. Unfortunately for you, they usually only change when they find a girl that they feel is worth changing for.

 

Never seen it happen before for an ex-g/f. Usually, it's a player fallen in love short of deal. If he dickered you around before with another girl, it's wasn't that transforming event that makes him change when he got together with you.

 

Let cheating dogs lie.

 

Sidenote: I'd worry more about the friendship you threw away when your best friend finds out that you used him to make your ex jealous.

[user1]

Hi girl; first, no more cheating on your b/f...don't stoop to his level; you'll end up hurting yourself in the end.

 

second, a man will change and commit to a woman when he finds the woman that he is absolutely crazy about. Believe it.

If he can't be faithful to you, he doesn't love you enough. He'll find someone that he will be faithful to.

 

get yourself a man that will be faithful to you and to you alone.

 

how do I know?...i've been in your shoes, and I'm now in my mid thirties.

 

be strong.

[MassiveAtom]

... IS FALSE!!!

 

HELL yeah they Change!

 

I can tell you cuz I've been there! It totally beat the crap outta me. I was a mess. Alpha's right too. It takes nearly a major life altering event, (like a nervous breakdown or something) to change us. O r maybe even really strong, deep love for the cheated.

 

Don't ever think a guy CAN't change, he may be unwilling to, But he can.

[Wiksta]

(string is old sorry)

 

... If in their heart they are truly welcoming it, then definitely, anyone can make change.

 

I know this from personal experience. I'm 37 y/o male who has cheated extensively on nearly every girl I was ever with on a committed level. Now for me it was like telling the guy if he holds his hand over the lit burner on the stove, that, he will surely get burned. Yet, the guy keeps on putting his hand over the open flames.

 

Another example is the young kid who J-walks and cut's the corners to cross in the middle of the street. Well, it is faster after all and faster is better, right? Well, let it be known that I was a j-walker.

 

The proverbial Greyhound bus called reality finally caught up with me when I was 32. Thank God. It was about damn time because I needed a major overhaul on the inside. My internal life was a wreck and I could no longer continue on very far with things as they were.

 

Then I saw HER and I knew inside that this was the one. I could definitely change my ways for her. Couldn't I? Nope! I couldn't change for her or anyone else for that matter. Eventually I cheated on her as well, but now there are more extenuating circumstances. Yep, she/we got pregnant! We had a baby girl (now age 12) and I thought for sure this would make me change. I was to be proven wrong though and did it again after our baby was born. The eventuality of getting caught had finally happened and she was pissed... to say the least! She wanted to kill me and I mean DEATH! She didn't act on it but I sure could see it in her eyes.

 

We tried to repair the damage that I had caused, but it just was not going to work. There were just too many unresolved feelings and conflicts between us. Besides the fact that we hadn't sought outside help from a professional didn't help matters. Things continually got worse and we separated and then things got complicated again. Yep, baby #2 (now age 7) was on the way! O-M-G was all I could say. Heck, I wasn’t ready for one kid and now we got another coming. (Now I know why they say … “stupid people shouldn’t breed)

 

Well, with the job I had. I traveled allot and was out of state for long extended periods of time. It was during these travels that I would cheat. I never cheated on her with anyone in the same state where we lived. I guess it was that feeling of being in another world or something that you get from traveling as extensively as I have that definitely contributed to my justifications for cheating. You know "What happens in Vegas... stays in Vegas" kind of thinking, only I wasn’t in Vegas. You get the picture I’m sure, but I led her to believe we were in a trusting and committed relationship. Obviously we were not and especially for my side of the street.

 

I was on a terrible path of self-destruction and before long nearly every single area of my life was a complete wreck. Couldn't sleep (with a conscious like mine ... who could), couldn’t eat, couldn't see my kids. Eventually that nice cozy job (making 6 figures) went by the wayside as my employer saw the decline in my quality of work and general attitude. I no longer wanted to be there and they could tell. Too bad, it was the chance of a lifetime.

 

The greater truth though was that I didn't want to be in my own skin. I wanted out of this thing called life and I went as far as too cut my wrists deeply in a motel room. Thinking I could take my own life. Even this depth of despair wouldn't bring a change in my heart. I was mentally, spiritually and emotionally bankrupt, kaput, and felt completely devoid in my own life’s existence.

 

Well, eventually something had to happen and it did. I was at a bar drowning my sorrows over all I had lost in my once great life. I was leaving the bar and went out the backdoor and there was a confrontation with some people that I bumped .. well stumbled into and a fight broke out. Well, one of the guys had a pipe or something and struck my in the head from behind and I was knocked into complete darkness for 3 or 4 days.

 

The blow to the head left me a triple fracture to the back of my skull and a big hole from the end of the pipe. It took 5 magnesium plates and almost 6 full hours of reconstructive surgery to repair the back of my very badly damaged head. I was in coma for three days and apparently stopped breathing twice on the way to the hospital, so they tell me.

 

At the end 3rd day I came out of the coma and into semi-conscious state. I remember that I was dreaming about “J” and our two babies (“T”and “T”) and the dream was incredibly beautiful. Everything was OK and “J” and I were married and in love. We had our own house and we were in the yard playing with the kids. It all seemed so real. I was in complete awe. I remember thinking ... “I have died and now and I’m in heaven” … “This must be heaven, right?”

 

Then I started hearing this whisper …. .arthur ... aaaarthur …. aaaaaaarthur! … Soon I realized someone was calling my name. Like from over my shoulder from a long ways off. I didn’t want hear that though. I didn’t want to leave this place where I had come. Here where it was perfect, but the voice got louder and louder. The louder it got the more and more clouded the dream became and soon there was no more dream. Just a cloud or a mist was where the beautiful scene once was. I desperately tried to grasp it back like trying to grasp a cloud in the sky, but it was no use.

 

One last “Arthur” and I woke up in a hospital bed. My arms were stretched out in front of me as my last efforts to grab my dream failed into my consciousness.

 

Then there was him. The doctor who had performed my surgery (thanks Dr. Sorini) he was there at my side and pushed my arms back down. These were his words ... "There’s my miracle" ... (makes me cry still) and then he pointed to my family standing at the end of the bed and he asked me if I recognized them. I turned my bandaged head and swollen face to see my mother, my aunt, two uncles and a few of my cousins as well. He asked me if I knew all their names and some other questions like what year it was and stuff like that.

 

The doctor explained what had happened to me and asked what I remembered. I told him that I got into a bit of an argument that was turning into a fight and then everything went blank. Then they started checking my motor skills, etc, etc. Everything pretty much seemed ok, but there was something missing. I wanted to see “J” and our two kids, but it was not to be. In spite of the doc’s continual line of questioning I just kept thinking that everything would be OK if my “J” and our babies were here. I started to cry at the sadness of missing her so deeply.

 

It’s now been four years since the head injury incident happened. Physically I have made a complete recovery and I can walk talk and all the rest. I do have some loss of memory and other psychological stuff that I am working through. Like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression and paranoia about public places, but all relatively minor compared to what could have happened.

 

So, where is everything now?

 

First, I found God or did he find me? Hmmm anyway, he is teaching me threw his lessons what it means to be a man and why he put me here on earth. It is continually uncovered too me what his will is for me. I just only need ask and he will show me the answers and provide a path safe path for discovery of my truth. Honestly, I have never had a relationship with myself or gotten to know myself on any deeper level the basic desire and instinct.

 

I didn’t have the power before to think threw my basic instincts and feelings. Then, I was their slave and they were the masters. I had to serve them instead of them serving me. It took allot of soul searching and hard looking threw what was a painful truth for me. That was that, I had become a victim in my own circumstances. The eventual reality came threw I was just a puppet to my emotions that in turn pawed at me something like a spoiled child might say.

 

It’s mine and give it too me! selfish child

 

I have never told anyone about the dream I had, including “J”. I decided it would be best to just let things settle on their own without me in there kicking up dust and possibly making things uncomfortable. Since the incident I haven’t dated or had sex with another woman. Why would I when there is only one I love =) I have followed the saying that “If you love something let it go, if it comes it back it yours, if not, it never was.”

 

I have silently and soulfully committed myself to “J” for the rest of my life here on earth. Someday, if she ever sees this or reads this I hope she knows that hear on earth and in heaven you are my one true love. My heart is yours “J” and I will hold my love for you where it belongs. With God =)

 

Yes, people can and do change. Fortunately, I think for everyone out there. You don’t have to hit the personal bottom that I hit. A reality check and some honest appraisal of ones self, his actions and some humility is all one need to spark some change. I had to be humbled, almost to death.

Please if you’re in a situation like I was, get some help. I found tons of very valuable resources out there on this topic already.

 

Thanks for reading about my miracle 

 

Kind regards and God bless ya.

[JosiePosie]

Your posting brought a lump in my throat. My ex is a pill addict and been sexually molested as a child. He said that he has forgiven the molestation but by looking at his behaviour, I think he is subconciously affected still. He emotionally and physically withdrew from me in the last month of our relationship, just when I needed him the most. His behaviour towards me borderlined abusive. When I was moving the rest of my things out of the apartment, I checked my ex's hiding spot and found that he is back to the codeine and sleeping pills.

 

I have been sexually molested as a child as well, and been exposed to family violence and other forms of abuse. From those experiences, I became codependent and a love addict. After being pushed away from someone I loved, I have hit emotional rock bottom. I knew for myself, I could no longer subject myself to this type of pattern any longer. Since I left our apartment, I have been in therapy, Al-Anon, Life Recovery meetings. They are want keep me motivated and sane. Although I do come from a different religion, I do believe in God and been reading alot of Christian-related literature.

 

A part of me wishes for my ex to hit his own rock bottom, so he can finally see how destructive his habit is. How he subconciously sabotages himself. But I have to remind myself that it is up to God. As much as I wish to control him and bring him to a clearer path, I know can't. I sincerely hope that he is able to change. Because despite his addiction and emotional issues, he is a good man.

 

At the moment, he is probably numbing his pain by taking pills, I have seen his online activities and found that he is projecting the image of a single guy looking for a new gf. I have been told that it is a common pattern with addicts. To use "crutches" to ease the pain. When we were living together, he became upset, depressed, or stressed over incidents pretty easily. He can be pretty sensitive, so I remind myself that he is just looking for an easier way to deal with life. Even though it hurts to see no signs of remorse or sadness over our break-up.

 

There is a part of me that hopes that his love for me is strong enough for him to come back and fight for us. But for my sake, I need to keep a way from him and pray for a better day.

[KAris112297]

We can change.

 

-KAris