Please HELP im still in love with a cheater...Men- can they change??...

[LindseyNY]

Ok, so i am a little new at this- I was in a long serious committed relationship with a guy who of course i thought was everything. We had talked marrage (and come to find out he had gotten me a ring for chirstmas.) I had never felt a love like that before, and for about 7 months of the relationship it was long distance. But we still made time to see each other about every 3-4 weeks, and many hours on the phone.

 

About a week before christmas i had a gut feeling suspision, and contacted his ex-girlfriend. To my surprise he had cheated on me twice with her, and had been keeping her on a string just in case we didnt work out. But apparently he had told her about a week before i found out that he didnt want anything to do with her, and finally told her he has a girlfriend and was in love with her.

 

I was just torn to pieces, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Had horrible images in my head. just wanted to die.

But i continued to talk to him and argue with him everyday. He ruined my christmas, and took my happiness away from me. all of my hopes & dreams of a future withhim were takin out from under me. I was so good to him too, i was going to give up everything for him, i never even looked at another guy i was so in love with him. and he played it off so well.. was so sincere. i felt like such a fool, i blammed myself i got sickly thin. And then I turned bitter.

 

 

I mean instead of making myself a better stronger women.. i lowered myself.... i kept him on that string and told him i was trying to work through it.. but really i wasn't i was trying to get over it. but knowing he was sitting at home being miserable made me feel better.. and thats so wrong! I went out to parties and tried to meet guys. Lied to him abotu where i was and who i was with. The reasons that i did it were simple.. i had lost respect for him, as a man as a person. I also thought that if he knew i was going out all the time he would go out and sleep around.

 

SO after 7 weeks of absolute hell arguing lying crying everything. I told him how i had slept with my best friend right before he got diployed to Iraq. He was upset but still wants to work things out.. He hasnt done anything in the past 7 weeks, he has realized his mistake and that i am the one for him adn wants me back. IS he for real?

 

Should i give him another chance? Is he capable of changing? I told him my actions were wrong, but never would have happened if he had made me into a monster i mean i hated him for what he did to our relationship and i guess i wanted revenge but its not right.. i realise that i made a mistake.. i know i can change... can he? please help.. i am still in love with him... men out there-- can u change?? or are us women stupid for thinking that with the right girl u can change??

 

I want to make sure that there is somethign sitl lthere worth fighting for.. and not go back just being weak.

[JoL]

Did you ask him WHY he kept his ex on a string if he was so in love with you and wanted to marry you? This is a VERY important question for him to answer you. WHY DID HE DO IT?!

 

In my books- if someone carries a secret long-term affair with someone then there is a serious problem. He didnt just have a drunken kiss with someone (even if he did that is NOT ok.)...he had sex with his ex and kept her on a string "just in case". What kind of person can look their loved on in the eye and LIE to them about their fidelity??

 

If this guy was really serious about marrying you then he would have never needed to do this. He would never have wanted his future wife to suffer the consequences of his disgusting actions..what if he caught an std off his ex? got her pregnant? then what?

 

Im sorry to say here, but i dont blame you for not trusting him. if i were you i would NEVER be able to trust him again..or even look at him again.

 

People may disagree- but in your situation, i wouldnt recommend you trust him again.

 

What happens when he meets a cute girl at work and they hit it off..and he starts to think "maybe if things dont work out with my gf i can hook up with this chic"..and then another affair is born.

Or if he runs into his ex at a club/party/store. And they start to talk again. And then they get back in touch with eachother?

 

It is clear he has ruined this relationship, and you have also acted in hurt by cheating.

 

I would cut my loses and run..im sorry to say, but that's my honest opinion.

[Orchid]

I want to make sure that there is somethign sitl lthere worth fighting for.. and not go back just being weak.

 

You're looking for an emotional guarantee that your boyfriend can change from a liar, coward & cheat to the man you imagine him to be. Truth is no one on here, or out there, can give you that. Life doesn't come with any emotional guarantees.

 

or are us women stupid for thinking that with the right girl u can change??

 

Sorry to be so blunt again, but he's already shown you that you aren't the 'right girl' for him.

 

What you do with that information... is your choice.

 

You're looking for answers that no one can give you but yourself. Stop thinking so much (ie get out of your head). The mind lies where emotions are concerned, the mind can rationalise anything we want it to. The body, on the other hand, never lies. It can't. Hence the term 'actions speak louder than words'. Your intuition (body/feelings) are working just fine. Quiet your mind, ask yourself the questions you're asking in your post, feel what your body is saying and go with them. I don't think you'll like the answers to be honest. But again, it's your choice what you do with that information.

[Fritz]

I think many people can change if they want to. Question is, do they want to change and is it worth the risk to your heart.

 

 

I wouldn't be too rough on yourself because of your actions. They weren't right but understandable. As for getting back together with the guy..I wouldn't. If a gal I was in love with did this to me, I know I couldn't trust her with my heart again. You dodged a bullet by finding this out before you married the guy. To me, love means trust. He hedged his bets by keeping his ex on a string. That doesn't seem like love to me and whats to say he won't do the same to you later on down the road?

[nicole25]

Hey, I think you should give him another chance. I know you found out the hard way and I have been there too, and it sucks and you want revenge and can think of nothing else better but the world to come crashing down on him.

I know exactly how you feel, and I tried getting revenge on my ex too, but unfortunately I was never able to get it. It killed me to know that he thought that he could walk all over me and cheat on me and not get ANY consequences. I believe your situation is somewhat different than mine though and thats the ONLY reason why I am telling you to give him a second chance becuase he told that other girl that he felt strongly about you and he didnt want to hurt you anymore. He REALIZED he was doing wrong (he should've never done it in the first place) and it sounds to me like he stopped.

 

I use the motto, and firmly believe in "Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater." I have never given ANY of my exes the time of day after they have cheated on me once becuase I dont want to be hurt again, and I know you dont want to either. But like I said the ONLY thing that makes me say you should give him another chance is becuase I think he felt sorry for what he did after the fact. It wasnt fair to you for him to have this other girl alongside the relationship. You should have a serious talk about it with him and ask him why he did it, and here what HE has to say and go from there. Just follow your heart, you know he can be very deceiving and obviously lie to you very easily becuase you had no idea what was going on. Go with your gut instinct, its always right!