My son in affair with married woman - wth??

[tyce958b]

My 22 year old son has been having an affair with a married woman who's 33, has a small son aged 5, and it's been going on for 18 months now. I also have an older son of 28, but he's in a relationship and that's a long-term one. I'm not comparing the two against the other (ie good=bad), just pointing out the differences.

I know this because my son confessed on the phone last night, he said the rush of the affair was too good to miss, and that she admitted to him "I only married him for the money and to have kids, but thats about it. I don't love him really, he's 35 and not interested in me, my son, anything, just booze, booze, booze and footy, he aint violent but is just a boozing footyholic". Guess my son's in affair-fog mode.

Now she's talking of getting together with my son and living together as a full-couple with day-to-day reality etc. Surely this doesn't always happen with the OM/OW does it? What about when reality does kick in, and the so-called affair fog lifts? What next?

How will he cope with things like bills/dirty underwear/laundry/grocery etc?

For now he seems to be seeing things with rose-coloured glasses.

I'm worried about my son, if she could cheat on her husband... well, you know what I mean, she could cheat on him.

He likes this woman, says she's like an older version of Taylor Swift but, in his words "equally as hot... she's like, real hot stuff". She does look like Taylor Swift, I don't know the woman personally, but she lives in the same town as us, but have seen her around. My son is a fan of Taylor Swift, been to see her concerts. Now he's got a sort of version of her, he seems to be in that affair-fog mode you talk about.

When reality kicks in, what happens next? This is, I guess, the kicker, as you call it. I'm worried and stressed about it, and so's my husband [our children's dad]. He's sick with worry to say the least.

I don't know what to do for the best. Confront this woman? Tell her husband about the OM, my son? What do I do now? Advice please?

I worry about my son. Need some help.

[lollipopspot]

Confront this woman? Tell her husband about the OM, my son? What do I do now?

 

Oh heck no, don't confront the woman or blow up her marriage. That's probably the surest way to put a wedge between you and your son and drive him to rescue her.

 

What you ought best to do is tell your son what you think, and then let him live his life. Don't nag him.

 

You had him for about 18 years in which to instill your values. That was your biggest chance to influence him and have some control over his choices. Now you can be there and listen to him and help to guide him if asked, but otherwise stay out of it.

[Cakess]

I agree. He's an adult now so he has to make his own choices. Be the best mother you can be and give him support and a listening ear when he needs to talk to someone. Only give advice if he asks. Your relationship with your son is much more precious than the fun he is having now with this woman..

[tyce958b]

My son told me that the woman had said to him that her husband had only married her for her money, had an OW and was more interested in boozing, footy and the OW than her, and that their relationship [i.e. the woman and my son] was sort of like sticking 2 fingers up at her husband.

When the realities of day-to-day life hit, how will it affect my son? He asked this, not me. What issues could he have to deal with? I've read a bit about this affair fog thingy you mention on here and people getting out of it, and think my son's in this stage. He's the one asking for help.

It was my husband who suggested confronting the spouse, not me, I have doubts about that, are they justified. As for the fact this woman's married, well, isn't this making my son like women who write on here about their MM who can't leave due to kids etc?

[almond]

Exactly...the time for making your son's decisions for him is well and truly over - do not interfere in his relationship, and absolutely do not go behind his back and confront the woman or her husband. This will only damage your own. He came to you and told you this...he feels he can trust you. Do not betray that.

 

You need to advise him once and once only as to how you feel about this, then sit back and watch him learn a life lesson all on his own. Sometimes, the hard way is the only way. He is involved with a married woman, and in my opinion, it's wrong. He knows it's not right to screw a married woman behind her husband's back, you taught him this, but he is choosing to do so anyway. He will learn that behaviours come with a set of consequences, and hopefully, he will learn from these consequences and not repeat such behaviour.

 

He should have zero contact with this woman until she has left her husband. Until then, it's all b.s.

 

Sit him down with your husband also, and advise him that you do not agree with what is going on, what your concerns are and what you don't like about it, and then tell him to not bring it up to you again. The only good ending to this is for him to smarten up now and call it off. If he chooses to continue, do not approve of it, do not speak to him about it. It is his decision, and it should be his alone. Tell him you do not control him, but you wish to stay out of this completely, and the only time you want to hear it mentioned again is when he has put an end to it. The disapproval from his parents and refusal to take any part in this may knock a bit of sense into him...but most likely not.

 

Be there for him as normal (but again, advise him you don't want to hear about what he is doing with this woman at all), but let him live his life and learn his own lessons now. He is young, and it is a time of growth. It's not always easy, but it is necessary that he learn this now for himself.

[fellini]

Well he is 22, he is getting experienced sex from a woman he fantasizes is Taylor Swift, TS herself being a virtual fantasy for young men, and he is having the time of his life.

 

I wouldn't get all encyclopedia about "affair fog", this seems like a case of a young smitten immature relationship.

 

He is going to need you more when the boozing footy husband finds out and he and his hooligan friends decide to extract some good ol fashioned bronx style revenge. He is taking huge risks screwing another man's wife REGARDLESS of what she is saying about him. They say what you don't know won't hurt you, but in this case, what you don't know might very well get you killed.

 

I would seriously get him to think about how this is going to pan out.

Edited May 1, 2014 by fellini

[tyce958b]

The thing is, the husband has an OW already, but that situation could happen, but equally so what if it doesn't?

I think she had the affair with my son because he had an OW already... two can play at that game, you know, like the Bobby Brown song. Not that it makes it right, it doesn't, but still...

Edited May 1, 2014 by tyce958b

[fellini]

The thing is, the husband has an OW already, but that situation could happen, but equally so what if it doesn't?

I think she had the affair with my son because he had an OW already... two can play at that game, you know, like the

 

And you think a boozing footy husband isn't capable of NOT seeing the contradiction between his A and hers? Im not taking about justice, Im talking about reality. Obsessed football fans are experts at contradiction, they live it every game when they only see what they want.

 

It doesn't matter WHY she is in this with your son. IF THERE IS A REMOTE chance he will be beaten half to death one night walking down the street by a bunch of thugs that should be your concern. If she is using this affair to get even then she is just as capable, at any moment, to throw it in her H's face if she wants to hurt him during a squabble. This will be a moment she regrets, and probably your son more.

 

To quote my WS's own words to her AP: "This is going to end badly".

Edited May 1, 2014 by fellini

[BetrayedH]

You do realize that almost all waywards paint their betrayed spouse as a loser, right? You name it: alcoholic, lazy, abusive, living as roommates, video game addicted, porn addicted, never really loved him, a cheater himself, blah, blah, blah. This makes the affair partner feel less guilty and hooked into the affair. Eventually the AP believes that the betrayed partner deserves it. If she said that her husband was actually a great guy and she really just got bored and wanted to start whoring it up with a younger guy, your son might not be so up for this affair and start to feel guilty.

 

The others here are probably right that, as his mother, there's not much you can do about this. Since she is claiming to want to be with your son more permanently (which is commonly known as 'future faking' around here), personally I think your position should be that he should refuse to see her until he sees divorce papers first-hand. It doesn't take much to file. In the meantime, he insists upon 'no contact' and can keep his integrity intact (well, start to anyway) and then they can date properly. I see nothing wrong with you voicing your disapproval and staying consistent about it anytime the subject comes up. If these two are soulmates and all that, she can go ahead and file for divorce. Until she does, this relationship isn't healthy and not one that a mother should feel she needs to support.

[bubbaganoosh]

First of all, your son's crazy for messing around with a married woman.

 

To make matters worse, her husband is a boozer, never mind his foot fetish but none the less, messing with another mans wife is a dangerous thing. Maybe her husband has another woman on the side but when you combine a drunk with a cheating wife and her lover, stranger things have happened.

 

Her husband might not be a violent person...............yet, but if he finds out that his wife is in a affair, a few drinks, and a mind movie or two, that has all the ingredients for a something that could turn real ugly and dangerous for your son.

 

I hope to God it doesn't happen, but when you poke a sleeping bear with a stick, chances are your going to wake him up with a not so good resolve in the end.

[Realist3]

Just my $.02. As a parent sometimes you just have to sit back and watch an impending implosion. We learn more through our failures than we do through our successes. This will not end well. It will be painful to watch, but do not interfere. You could not stop this train wreck no matter what you tried do. A gentle warning is about it.

[halfalive]

My son told me that the woman had said to him that her husband had only married her for her money, had an OW and was more interested in boozing, footy and the OW than her, and that their relationship [i.e. the woman and my son] was sort of like sticking 2 fingers up at her husband.

When the realities of day-to-day life hit, how will it affect my son? He asked this, not me. What issues could he have to deal with? I've read a bit about this affair fog thingy you mention on here and people getting out of it, and think my son's in this stage. He's the one asking for help.

It was my husband who suggested confronting the spouse, not me, I have doubts about that, are they justified. As for the fact this woman's married, well, isn't this making my son like women who write on here about their MM who can't leave due to kids etc?

 

 

 

DO NOT CONFRONT HER. I repeat, DO NOT CONFRONT HER. This is what happened in my situation and because of it, our whole family is destroyed. We all used to get along perfectly fine and because 1 person stuck her nose where it did not belong, none of us speak to each other anymore. It's very sad.

 

 

Let him learn his lesson the hard way.

[jellybean89]

All you can do is continue to stress to him that what he is doing is wrong.

 

I feel so bad for that woman's child He has all this dysfunction around him.

 

As for the comment that you had your chance for 18 years to instill values...bs. We can't control others. We can only communicate to them right and wrong...what they choose to do with it is up to them. People raise kids with the best of intentions and they can still go off the rails...and it isn't always because of how they were raised. I get so sick of blaming parents for things young adults/adults do. Parents can't attach themselves to their kids 24/7... they have to let them fly and hope they make the right choices.

 

My successes / failures are MY consequences for MY choices - not because of my parents/siblings/etc. I have a brain and I know right and wrong. No one had a childhood of rainbows and glitter. Some struggled more than others; some are stronger than others...but we all have the freedom of choice.

 

I can only imagine how upsetting this is for you. Be there for him to talk to; listen to him and provide him with your thoughts. I worry the husband will come after your son and he doesn't get that...he thinks he can take him on and win... male bravado and all that.

[Fugu]

First of all, your son's crazy for messing around with a married woman.

 

To make matters worse, her husband is a boozer, never mind his foot fetish but none the less, messing with another mans wife is a dangerous thing.

 

I would rep this to infinity if I could.

 

I can't tell you how dangerous it is to mess around with a married woman. When I was in college, one of my old high school friends started messing around with a woman who said she was in the middle of a divorce. Well, turns out that wasn't quite true. She had essentially told her husband that she wanted one, but they were still very much married, and the husband was none too happy. Worse, he was also a southern redneck, who had his own views of "justice." The short of it is, my friend had to skip town and basically throw away a quarter of college because he had heard from more than one person that the husband was looking for him and promised to deal with him - whatever that meant. My friend finally got around to calling the guy and told him what had happened and fortunately for him, the hubby had been thrown so much b.s. himself by his lying, cheating spouse that he realized that my friend had been fed a bunch of nonsense as well. But it could have gotten extremely ugly.

 

The point here is, the lady your son is seeing is a serial liar. You know that because she's married and having a private relationship with your son. What else is she lying about? That would be on my mind. I'd suggest that your father talk to him but maybe there's a generational gap. Your oldest son is the next best thing. He's probably old enough and seen just enough life to know the danger of what your youngest is getting himself into. I would be careful about how you do that. Maybe don't tell your oldest about it, but maybe you could convince your youngest to reveal it to your oldest and ask him for his opinion.

 

I dunno...I think your son needs to get out of that situation - fast.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, the husband has an OW already, but that situation could happen, but equally so what if it doesn't?

I think she had the affair with my son because he had an OW already... two can play at that game, you know, like the Bobby Brown song. Not that it makes it right, it doesn't, but still...

 

Can you verify this? How do you know it's actually true? Could be the MW your son is with, lied to him about her home life and husband to justify what she is doing. Married people who cheat are skilled liars and have master manipulation skills. (selfishly, not maliciously)

 

Ask your son is he ready to be a step father? Have that responsibility thrown on him at such an early age with a boy that isn't his own, and has he realized that he'll have to deal with her exH, father of the boy too. The dad isn't going to go away easily and your son will get caught up in a lot of drama. Unfortunately he is going to be hurt. He isn't stupid, he must know having an affair with someone (especially one who has kids) isn't going to end well, for anybody in that triangle.

 

Tell your son you'll be there for him when he needs you but you don't want to be a part of this and enable him. Affairs as you know are not like regular relationships so he shouldn't be parading her around like bf/gf.

[lollipopspot]

As for the comment that you had your chance for 18 years to instill values...bs. We can't control others. We can only communicate to them right and wrong...what they choose to do with it is up to them. People raise kids with the best of intentions and they can still go off the rails...and it isn't always because of how they were raised. I get so sick of blaming parents for things young adults/adults do. Parents can't attach themselves to their kids 24/7... they have to let them fly and hope they make the right choices.

 

My successes / failures are MY consequences for MY choices - not because of my parents/siblings/etc.

 

I find it very irritating that you read your own subtext into my post and then attributed it to me. I said nothing about blaming the parent. I said those 18 years were her biggest chance to influence him, and even to exert some control over him. I said not one thing about it being her fault, but that at this point she doesn't have as much power as she had before he was an adult, and now she can only advise and leave him to his life.

 

You read something that wasn't there because for whatever reason you're pissed about people blaming parents. So own that yourself. My post said nothing about blaming parents.

[Hobbes' wagon]

Hi!

 

I am sorry that your family finds yourself in such a position.

 

May I ask does your son live an independant life, without financial or otherwise aid from you guys?

 

Has he considered talking to his older brother about this?

 

Best wishes,

Hobbes

[bubbaganoosh]

Oh heck no, don't confront the woman or blow up her marriage. That's probably the surest way to put a wedge between you and your son and drive him to rescue her.

 

What you ought best to do is tell your son what you think, and then let him live his life. Don't nag him.

 

You had him for about 18 years in which to instill your values. That was your biggest chance to influence him and have some control over his choices. Now you can be there and listen to him and help to guide him if asked, but otherwise stay out of it.

 

I agree with you lollipopspot when you say don't confront the woman.

 

Back in my younger days when I was a 18, I was going with a girl that my parents didn't like very much. Being that they were older and wiser than me, they saw what I didn't and so did my tow older sisters.

 

My dad had told me to break up with her and pressured me and all that did was push me in her corner more. Wish I would have listened but hind sight is 20/20.

 

End result. Got her pregnant. Married her. Found out that the kid wasn't mine two weeks later. I was in the army and was engaged to her at this point and she cheated, got in trouble and married me so she can get a ID card from the government which meant that she was married to a serviceman and got all the benefits from Uncle Sam and the father of the kid got away without paying one thin dime. I took it on the chin and stabbed in the back.

 

I think that maybe if they wouldn't have pressured me to break up with her, I might have seen the light before the disaster took place. I can't be sure but there was always that chance.

[Tayla]

Step One: State your view point without judgmental attributes towards this lady.

Step two: Love your son enough to let him ride this storm out.

Step Three: Since he shared this with you, you have a choice to : A: Tell him no further discussion on this, he needs to come to terms with his poor choice or B: Stay in denial that he is behaving poorly and make it all about this woman and her marital agreement.

Step Four: For security reasons stay away from the relationship, neither support it or toss mud at it. Reason I say this is a family got involved in my area and the third party shot the parents and one sister because he felt they were supporting the one sons poor choices. You really are caught in the cross fires if you speak up...

[mrs rubble]

Maybe you could work on his Taylor Smith obsession and point out she's never been married or had kids?

[tyce958b]

My son told me this morning the woman is actually separated from her husband but still legally married to him; she's shown him the texts on her iphone from the husband which basically amount to "**** U. I'M WITH HOTBABE. UR ****ING UGLY SLUT. UR NOT AS NICE AS HOTBABE." [they're not the actual wording.Keeping things family-friendly] or similar. Apparently her husband left her for a stripper in mid-2012, moved out, and moved in with the stripper in early 2013, the woman has told my husband, and it began on a stag night. She has actually tried filing for divorce but received shredded paper back through the post; seems like he wants the other woman but still be married to her? Confusing eh??? She's also told my son that the boozing began after her son was born, and he's ignored the son, even said to her "I didn't f***ing want a boy, I wanted a girl, you f***in stupid idiot!", and spending amounts of money on strip clubs (my son's seen some of the receipts, she's shown him).

Now my son is talking about us meeting this woman, not a prospect I relish, but I suppose I have to tackle the issue with my husband, what do we do next?

[Tayla]

May i kindly suggest you butt out, mind your own marriage. Not a fan of gossip geared antics, its poisonous. Take care if yourself . Your husband should do the same. Neither of you are being adult in this mixed up drama.

[smackie9]

Mind your own business. I know you want to protect your son, and as a mature woman you see the bad and nothing good will come of this relationship BUT he has to find out on his own. Everyone one is right, he is an adult, and can do whatever he wants. The only thing you can do is give him support and guidance when he comes to you for help.

[Baller25]

Everyone here is trying to protect the relationship between the OP and her son, but have you forgotten what often happens when a 35yo man finds out that his wife is being boned by a 22yo?

 

Judging by the OP's language I think she probably lives in the north of England, UK — yeah her son is definitely going to get it.

 

OP please tell the wife's husband then at least he'll be thankful enough to not harm your son. Your son will eventually get over it especially when he knows that it was wrong in the first place.