WrinkledForehead Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Over the years I've been in an out of therapy and tried many different medications to stabilize my psyche. I'd shown enormous progress and developed into a functioning member of society. I run my sh** and handle my business and do well with it all. Being in relationships messes me up. I was single for many years and picked myself and my family up after a failed relationship with a man I produced my two children with. When I was single, I did very well and made significant, positive changes in my life. A couple failed dating relationships later (rather insignificant as far as time spent in those R's, but significant regarding the impact) I was the mistress in a six month affair. He ended it with his then-primary and we are together. Early in the affair I had a hard time with it and by mid affair I was having full on meltdowns periodically. And now... I've progressively gotten worse. Immediately post affair we had a tough couple months but things improved and it looked like we were on track to recovering and building our lives. I had a full meltdown this last weekend due to something so minor, but involving the ex. He took their dog to the vet. The anxiety over the event (and I don't blame solely that. I am headed towards finals and my hours at work have picked up significantly) caused me to break down this weekend. I've been noting my behaviors. I have many symptoms of borderline personality disorder. The hope for me is that I have a high level of emotional intelligence and a determination to get better. But things with me are not right, guys; they're pretty bad. I'm high functioning and it hasn't been until recently that the emotions started spilling over to work and school. My partner has been amazingly supportive. He's read on the disorder and treatment and has been looking up links for those in relationships with people with BPD. we've discussed it at length. He's still dealing with his own feelings of guilt in regards to the affair, and is in therapy himself. I dunno. I supposed I just needed to talk. My first therapy appointment is on Monday. The therapist I'm seeing deals with patients with a history of trauma and focuses on counter conditioning the psyche. I'm getting help. I can't imagine what my partner is going through at this time. There's no grand last statement to this post. I'm not well, but I'm getting help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Best of luck to you- be very, very open and honest in therapy because thats the only way-if you hold back then you will only hear what you want to hear and not what you need to hear-its very possible that this relationship because of its start is not good for you-it could be a constant reminder of something you are not proud of doing- I applaud you trying to figure yourself out-its a difficult thing no matter what the circumstances- cheers! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WrinkledForehead Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 Best of luck to you- be very, very open and honest in therapy because thats the only way-if you hold back then you will only hear what you want to hear and not what you need to hear-its very possible that this relationship because of its start is not good for you-it could be a constant reminder of something you are not proud of doing- I applaud you trying to figure yourself out-its a difficult thing no matter what the circumstances- cheers! Thanks for the words. I've examined the relationship independently and with my partner, and fundamentally it is good. The joy it brings outweighs any pain, and things have been good more often than not. More than that, we are supportive of each other and actually work through any issues. Nothing is brushed under any rug. Thanks for the well wishes. Therapy will be tough but this is good. Its progress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Therapy is a butt kicker for sure. Keep an open mind. Try to clear your plate after the first few, self reflection is exhausting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Ask your therapist about DBT therapy. It seems to help many Borderlines, but many therapists don't offer it. My sister is a Borderline. It is good that you realize how hard it is on the partner/ family of the Borderline. It took about 15 years of therapy before my sister really realized that (or cared enough to see). Its great that you are getting help with this. That is mature and introspective- two traits most borderlines don't have. You may just have some Borderline traits. Wanting to get better, and making the effort to get better (as you are doing with therapy) is a very positive step and I wish you the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Wrinkled, have missed your posts. Good to hear from you but sorry you are having a rough time. I don't know a lot about the issues you posted. I used to have very bad depression (for about 25 years beginning in childhood). I found healing through my relationship with God, but it took time for it to come about. I'll keep you in my prayers as God reminds me. (I always say that because if I don't, I forget to pray for the person, but when I say, "as God reminds me" I find that when I'm praying I'll remember) Link to post Share on other sites
Author WrinkledForehead Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 Therapy is a butt kicker for sure. Keep an open mind. Try to clear your plate after the first few, self reflection is exhausting. Yeah, the last couple of days have been extremely tough. I've been self reflecting a lot, and finals start next week, and I'm just exhausted. I'm fighting tears regularly. Its been hard to smile. I keep wondering if I was deluding myself for the last few years. I felt okay, I was maintaining okay, but now it just seems to be all crashing down on me. I'm so glad school is close to over and I can focus on just myself, my kids, my work, my relationship. I will be happy to have some room to breathe but at the same time I know having extra hours in a day to think and be in my own head is tough in and of itself. When I'm having a tough spot, my head is a pretty intense place to be in. :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WrinkledForehead Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 Ask your therapist about DBT therapy. It seems to help many Borderlines, but many therapists don't offer it. My sister is a Borderline. It is good that you realize how hard it is on the partner/ family of the Borderline. It took about 15 years of therapy before my sister really realized that (or cared enough to see). Its great that you are getting help with this. That is mature and introspective- two traits most borderlines don't have. You may just have some Borderline traits. Wanting to get better, and making the effort to get better (as you are doing with therapy) is a very positive step and I wish you the best. Hopefully it is just traits. Like I said, I don't identify with certain diagnostic symptoms but so many do make sense. Whether it is or not, I'm not really seeking the label (even knowing I could be diagnosed with anything is relieving and yet terrifying) but rather, treatment. I want to find my happiness and bliss again. It's just been so long. 7 years since I've seen a therapist. I know DBT is the common treatment and I did seek advice on EMDR from someone who knows her treatment modalities and she suggested to start where I am and go from there. I have a male therapist which I'm trying to keep an open mind about (I have noted my best successes with women) and he and the treatment may or may not fit. My first goal is to treat the anxiety associated with the exBS. It's not even logical... I remember posting that a bottle of lotion in my bfs house (which I wrongfully assumed was hers) stressed me out for months until I mentioned it and he threw it out. Its so silly for me to see what I'm typing, but at the time it bothered me so much. Then prevention and maintenance and healing from other life events unrelated to this. I have my work cut out for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WrinkledForehead Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 Wrinkled, have missed your posts. Good to hear from you but sorry you are having a rough time. I don't know a lot about the issues you posted. I used to have very bad depression (for about 25 years beginning in childhood). I found healing through my relationship with God, but it took time for it to come about. I'll keep you in my prayers as God reminds me. (I always say that because if I don't, I forget to pray for the person, but when I say, "as God reminds me" I find that when I'm praying I'll remember) I thank you for the prayers. I'm agnostic and don't believe I'd find healing the same, but either way, it is so appreciated when others take the time to, well, take the time. My baby is good. He's been so supportive and reassuring. He held me Sunday night and just let me weep and sob and wail and twitch and cry and just let all the angst out, and then held me more. I've got a lot of people rooting for me and loving me and wanting to see me shine and succeed, in school and in general and on a personal level. And my babies... They need a healthy mommy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 I'm so glad to read you have plenty of love around you, Wrinkled! That's healing in and of itself. So glad your bf is taking such good care of you, too. I hope you can get outside some in this beautiful weather and just soak up the sunshine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 (((Wrinkled))) be gentle with yourself. I'm so glad you have someone that loves you enough to make an effort to help you and your relationship by gaining knowledge about the issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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