Newly Married...no sex.

[Newlywed2012]

Hello!

 

I'm new here. Searching for some guidance, and encouragement...and some answers. I've been married about 2 years now. My husband and I waited until a couple months before we got married to have sex. We were both virgins, intended on waiting until marriage but we eventually gave in. We are young, he is 25 and I'm 22. We have a great relationship, no kids, no financial difficulties and such. Everything seems really happy and really awesome...minus the fact that we very very very rarely have sex. It's not me, it's him.

 

I always hear about men whose wives won't have sex and make up excuses, but it's the opposite in this case. We are both still very new to it, and sex is still a very exciting and curious thing for me. If it were up to me we would have sex almost everyday. We are both healthy, attractive, young, happy people! I have talked to him so much about how much it bothers me. I just feel like we should be doing it way more often. I have a lot of friends who recently got married as well, and I can't talk to them about it.

 

All of them complain about hot how all their husbands ever want to do is have sex and I kind of play along because I'm embarrassed about the fact that it's the opposite with us. You always hear about women who don't want to have sex and complain about it which makes me feel even worse about myself, why please tell me why!!?? At first, I convinced myself that it was because my husband was felt a little awkward about asking for sex. And then I convinced myself that maybe he just wasn't sure exactly what he was doing down there… and then I convinced myself that maybe was because I didn't know what I was doing or that maybe I wasn't "sexy" enough. I have not always kept this to myself on thousand different occasions I have brought up to my husband how it makes me feel that he doesn't ask for sex. He always responds very apologetically and tells me that it's not my fault, he is sorry, he works hard he's tired, it just doesn't cross his mind a lot… well it crosses my mind all the time!

 

I have read a lot of how-to books because I wonder if maybe I'm doing something wrong that is keeping him from wanting to pursue me, but I really don't think that that's it, when we do finally have sex he very much enjoys it or either he's a heck of an actor. Our first year of marriage came with a lot of up-and-down emotions. So I kind of made excuses the first year that that's why we weren't having sex a lot because there was a lot of hard times. But now were going on year 2 and things have been really great minus this part!! Someone please help me understand this I cry every single time I think of it. It's not like I'm even just waiting around hoping that he will make a move or hoping that he will pursue me.

 

There have been several times where I've done that and maybe thinking that he didn't enjoy it when I pursued him, so I let him be the "man" and waited for him to ask me for it. Finally I decided that I should be the one to ask since no one else does. So I would say things like "hey baby are you in the mood?" and things like "hey I really want it…" The response is almost always the same "I'm sorry baby not tonight I don't feel good" and "I'm really tired baby maybe another night" "...but I have to wake up super early we will do it soon". I Feel like absolute crap about myself. I have told him time and time again that this makes me feel so bad about myself about my physical appearance about every other aspect of our relationship. He keeps promising every single time I bring it up that he will change and he will start to try a little bit harder, and sometimes that last for two days but it's usually over by then. Someone please tell me what I need to do. Sometimes I daydream about doing it with other people not because I don't love my husband but because I don't feel that he wants me.

 

I can't believe that I've been married two years and when my husband leaves I want to masturbate, I don't feel like that's normal. I have tried asking him if there is anything he fantasizes about, any weird desires that he has. I want to fulfil those and I've even ask him if he wanted to watch porn with me although I feel like that is a very sick thing for a married couple to do… I want my husband to want me.

 

Please don't mention the possibility of my husband being gay, I realized it sounds like that but it wasn't always like this right before we got married when we were having sex it was awesome and it was all the time for a couple of months and he was always the one that wanted it. (And when I say rarely, I mean usually once or twice every two months, when I beg for it)

Edited May 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Emilia]

I'm very sorry you are going through this. If you read through the threads here related to this subject most people will tell you that there isn't much you can do apart from leaving. There is either sexual compatibility or there isn't. He isn't going to change, not after 2 years. Likely will get worse (as in stopping sex completely).

 

Personally I believe that sex before marriage is a very good idea for this reason exactly.

[CarrieT]

Sorry, OP, but you are in serious trouble.

 

In short, you two have divergently different sexual needs which you two did not discover before you married.

 

If he is not willing to talk and work on it, then you are on a slippery slope of either A) a marriage that will not last, B) you starting to have affairs to have your needs met, or C) you suck it up and live with it.

 

Read through our marriage forum as this is a VERY recurring problem on this site and I'm sure others will chime in.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry you've encountered this. First of all, don't beat yourself up or blame yourself. I doubt that this is about you.

 

You touched on a few things already. Others to consider:

• His sex drive is just a lot lower than yours. Sometimes when you start living together, frequency of sex drops.
  
• He may have some stress in his life, although you would hope he would share this with you and come to you for support.
  
• Cheating (not trying to upset you, but it is a possibility)
  

 

Does he seem at all concerned or bothered about this? Is he making an effort to compromise and up the frequency?

 

When did the frequency plummet exactly? Did anything happen around that time?

 

Consider marriage counseling. I would address this quickly before it impacts other areas of your marriage.

[dichotomy]

I realized it sounds like that but it wasn't always like this right before we got married when we were having sex it was awesome and it was all the time for a couple of months and he was always the one that wanted it. (And when I say rarely, I mean usually once or twice every two months, when I beg for it)

 

 

This is curious part.

 

Am I reading this right - So at first he was really into it frequently - for a few months and then it just dropped off ?

 

That is so strange if true for a guy - especially a virgin - that was hot for it and then his interest in sex just went "poof?" after only a couple of months of having good sex for the first time ever?!!!.

 

Find a male marriage therapist - maybe one with a specialty in sexual therapy. take him to it. You are still young enough there are no kids, not complicated money issues....now is the time to face this.

 

Are you both religious ? was this the reason for waiting on sex, or was it more just what you both believed in (sexual abstinence). Wonder if there is guilt over having premarital sex.

 

Also wonder if after getting married - he decided that maybe he made a mistake (sorry to suggest this). If he is a guy where sex = love and commitment (yes we exist) then maybe he is questioning this for you.

 

Beside the therapist - sorry to say this - do some spying on him. Check his emails, social media, phone. I wonder if there is something he is hiding from you - some feelings - some thoughts maybe, regret over marriage, or maybe someone else in the picture?

Edited May 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[Babolat]

Find a male marriage therapist - maybe one with a specialty in sexual therapy. take him to it. You are still young enough there are no kids, not complicated money issues....now is the time to face this.

I agree with this. You are wanting to talk to your gfs, you feel you can't, so find a professional both of you can talk to.

[Davey L]

I've heard of men not wanting sex before but I find it very difficult to understand myself so there's little insight I can offer you.

 

 

I think it unlikely that the lack of sex is due to him having another woman or anything like that. Even when I was having an affair I still always wanted sex with my wife.

How is the relationship otherwise? Does he still seek affection? Hugs and kisses and so on?

[dichotomy]

P.S.

 

While you work this out for yourself and your marriage...

 

Give your GF's (and their husbands indirectly) a gift of wisdom. Next time they complain about how much sex their husbands want - tell them you think a loving wife should be happy to have sex with their good husband frequently - and that you give it as much as your husband wants it...

 

See not really lying to your GF (they assume your husband wants it of course) and helping them understand how important a good sex life is to a marriage.

[Newlywed2012]

Thanks everyone. Yes, we are Christians and I initially believed guilt was part of the reason sex plummeted. He is continually affectionate in other areas. Kissing, hugging, romancing, calls and texts sweet things all day, leaves me surprise chocolates and gifts! In the way he treats me, it's clear he loves me. He is very selfless and cares so much about me. It's just something about sex!!!!!!!!! He seems so shameful when I bring up how much it hurts me, he sheds a tear and swears he will get better, but it never lasts. I would consider counseling, although it's such an awkward thing to talk about I feel like my husband would be so embarrassed.

[CarrieT]

You are going to have to get over the embarrassment. It is a natural act between humans and nothing to be ashamed of - especially if you want your marriage to survive.

[pteromom]

It sounds to me that he just doesn't have a high sex drive. Yes, he did it when it was new to him, but he just doesn't care that much about it.

 

He may have low testosterone, or he may have conditioned himself to suppress sexual urges, being a Christian virgin before he met you. He may have taught himself to just not think about it.

 

You definitely need to get him to a counselor. The only way you are going to get answers and maybe turn this thing around is to find out what is going on in his head.

 

And for goodness sake, MASTURBATE! There's nothing wrong or shameful about exploring your own body and making yourself feel good. It would be different if you were doing it at the expense of your marriage, but if he doesn't want sex, you need to do what it takes.

[dichotomy]

I would consider counseling, although it's such an awkward thing to talk about I feel like my husband would be so embarrassed.

 

 

Believe it or not - I found a Christian based (ok Mormon - I compromised a wee bit;)) marriage sex therapist. I kind sorta did not tell my wife that the therapist was also a sex therapist - I merely stated I found a very nice Christian woman who could work on helping me with the marriage and would she join me?. True statement just not compete of course. Wife was happy to go with that pitch - but then was a bit upset when she found out in the first session therapist was also a sex therapist. Oh well didn't I mention that?

 

You can try making some phone calls using the link below to ask if they have a spiritual or religious aspect to their background before you make an appointment....and if you can find a man I think it might help your husband to not see a woman. I would also suggest that you do a phone interview first to explain to therapist whats the reason for this. If the therapist is smart at some point he/she is going to ask to see your husband solo.

 

Locate a Professional | AASECT:: American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists

 

If there is no one in your area from that link - then just search through your church or other connections for a good marriage therapist.

Edited May 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[angel.eyes]

I'm glad to hear that this bothers him at some level. It's great that he's attentive and loving in other ways. Even though you were sexually active in the months leading up to your wedding, for some, it can take a little time to shift mindsets...to go from having their foot on the brake in the "bedroom," to stepping on the gas, if you will.

 

Every church is different, and some pastoral staff are more approachable than others. If you feel comfortable, either you or he can approach one of them about your concern, and meet with them individually and as a couple. This is an issue they deal with often, so no need to be embarrassed. Some churches have licensed psychologists as part of their staff. Many churches also keep a list of local licensed counselors and psychologists who are Christian to whom they routinely refer church members. Your church probably has a number of useful resources to help you...if you just ask. Please don't be embarrassed. There is no need to suffer in silence or struggle alone.

[atlg8r]

Thanks everyone. Yes, we are Christians and I initially believed guilt was part of the reason sex plummeted. He is continually affectionate in other areas. Kissing, hugging, romancing, calls and texts sweet things all day, leaves me surprise chocolates and gifts! In the way he treats me, it's clear he loves me. He is very selfless and cares so much about me. It's just something about sex!!!!!!!!! He seems so shameful when I bring up how much it hurts me, he sheds a tear and swears he will get better, but it never lasts. I would consider counseling, although it's such an awkward thing to talk about I feel like my husband would be so embarrassed.

 

As Christians, part of being a faithful spouse is meeting each others' needs, and that includes sexually. Do you have a pastor you can talk to about this? Surprisingly, there are pastors who can counsel you on things like this.

 

My fiance works a lot and has a very physically demanding job, so I get him being tired. However, my fiance is still very touchy and it's evident that it isn't a lack of desire.

 

I'm very sorry. I know it can be hurtful to feel unwanted or undesired.

[atlg8r]

Oh, you may want to also check out Gary Thomas's website. He talks about sex very frankly but from a Christian perspective. I have found his info to be very helpful!

https://www.facebook.com/AuthorGaryThomas

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks everyone. Yes, we are Christians and I initially believed guilt was part of the reason sex plummeted. He is continually affectionate in other areas. Kissing, hugging, romancing, calls and texts sweet things all day, leaves me surprise chocolates and gifts! In the way he treats me, it's clear he loves me. He is very selfless and cares so much about me. It's just something about sex!!!!!!!!! He seems so shameful when I bring up how much it hurts me, he sheds a tear and swears he will get better, but it never lasts. I would consider counseling, although it's such an awkward thing to talk about I feel like my husband would be so embarrassed.

 

If there is one critical piece of marital advice I want to pass along it's COMMUNICATION!

 

Honestly, it seems like such an obvious thing and yet so few couples REALLY know how to communicate let alone do it at all.

 

NOT talking about your issues will feed the growing pink elephant in your marriage, TRUST ME on this one. Get over your fears and feelings of being uncomfortable because if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to talk about everything especially S.E.X.

[GrandeH]

Our first year of marriage came with a lot of up-and-down emotions. So I kind of made excuses the first year that that's why we weren't having sex a lot because there was a lot of hard times. But now were going on year 2 and things have been really great minus this

 

I think this may be important to look more into. How long after you got married did the sex drop? I'm thinking that if the ups and downs were bad enough, it could have affected his sex drive. If everything else is great, I think you should try to work this out. Already some great advice in this thread. As much as I hate saying this, another thing worth considering as well could be cheating. OP would you have reason to believe he is cheating? Any red flags/lies etc.

[Hattie]

Whatever you do, do not turn to porn.

That may work initially to instigate sex, but has the potential to make your situation worse!

I just pray that not the problem already.....

[oldshirt]

We are young, he is 25 and I'm 22.

 

 

a 25 year old male should be as horny as a 3-balled billy goat. if he has lost desire and lost interest in sexuality with his wife, it's one or a combination of the following reasons -

- medical issue - ie low T, diabetis etc etc

- psychological/emotional issues - ie depression, Madonna/Whore Complex, mental illness etc.

- outside sexual outlet - ie other woman/man, masturbating to porn frequently etc.

-relationship issue - ie has there been any serious neglect or emotional abuse, huge fights? Have you been emasculating or domineering towards him?

- attraction issue - have you gained a significant amount of weight or had a change in your grooming, hygiene, dress or cleanliness?

 

 

It's one of or a combination of those things. really do some soul searching and thorough investigating of those things. I would part special emphasis on looking into the porn/masturbation issue as well as the possibility of a Madonna/Whore type complex (more on that later)

 

 

We have a great relationship, no kids, no financial difficulties and such. Everything seems really happy and really awesome...minus the fact that we very very very rarely have sex. It's not me, it's him.

 

 

That's like saying I have a great car and it runs great......only the transmission is shot.

 

I have not always kept this to myself on thousand different occasions I have brought up to my husband how it makes me feel that he doesn't ask for sex.

 

 

A thousand different occasions?????? If that is even remotely true, then pressure from you and pressure to perform may be an issue. He doesn't "ask for sex" because he knows it's just a matter of time before you do. Maybe he has just gotten lazy.

 

 

 

 

He always responds very apologetically and tells me that it's not my fault, he is sorry, he works hard he's tired,

 

 

I'm 50 years old and I work hard and am tired too. I would still throw down every day or two if my wife were up to it. working hard and being tired is no excuse. Something else is taking place here (see my list above)

 

 

 

 

it just doesn't cross his mind a lot…

 

 

I call BS on that. If he is a healthy 25 year old male and has normal Testosterone levels and is healthy, he rarely things about much else. He is BSing you if he says it doesn't cross his mind.

 

 

when we do finally have sex he very much enjoys it or either he's a heck of an actor.

 

 

 

 

If by that you mean that he achieves orgasm, don't count your blessings too fast. Unless a guy has ED or retarded ejaculation, all men will orgasm with penile stimulation. It's a reflex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our first year of marriage came with a lot of up-and-down emotions.

 

 

You are going to have to expand on that a lot more. What kind of "ups and downs" were you screwing other guys? Did you abandon him for 8 months and showed up one night thinking everything was going to be fine. Did you kill his dog because it pee'd on your rug? Those 'ups and downs' correspond to the timeline of the decline of your sexlife. Don't just say you had some ups and downs in one sentence and not expand on that more when your sexlife tanked shortly there after.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I kind of made excuses the first year that that's why we weren't having sex a lot because there was a lot of hard times.

 

 

 

 

What were things "hard times" and how did you treat him during those times? Where you chewing him out and bitching about him every day? Were you blaming the hard times on him? Were you threatening to leave him if he didn't get things turned around quickly enough for you. Were you putting him down or accusing him of being inadequate or incompetent etc etc?

 

 

 

 

 

 

There have been several times where I've done that and maybe thinking that he didn't enjoy it when I pursued him, so I let him be the "man" and waited for him to ask me for it. Finally I decided that I should be the one to ask since no one else does.

 

 

 

 

How long did you pull back and wait for him to initiate? a day? a week? A month? Multiple months? How long was it before he said anything about it?

 

 

 

 

So I would say things like "hey baby are you in the mood?" and things like "hey I really want it…" The response is almost always the same "I'm sorry baby not tonight I don't feel good" and "I'm really tired baby maybe another night" "...but I have to wake up super early we will do it soon".

 

 

You sound like an beta male asking those questions and he sounds like a chick with his answers.

Here's a little hint for you - people aren't in the mood when they come in from mowing the lawn or changing the oil in the car. if you ask someone if they are in the mood, unless your hands are already in their pants, 99% of the time the answer is going to be 'no.'

The mood has to be created and people have to made to be in the mood.

So here is another question - instead of asking him out of the blue if he was in the mood or wanted to have sex, Have you ever tried just seducing him and touching him and kissing him and stroking him etc etc without asking? If so how did he respond to that????

 

 

 

 

. He keeps promising every single time I bring it up that he will change and he will start to try a little bit harder

 

 

No actual advice or question here. Just acknowledgement that it has to really hurt to hear your spouse say that they will "try harder" to have sex with you :-(

Sometimes I daydream about doing it with other people not because I don't love my husband but because I don't feel that he wants me.

 

 

That is a very very dangerous thing and probably an indication that things have degraded to the point you may need some professional counseling and possibly couple's therapy.

You are a 22 year old female and it's just a matter of time before some handsome, virile guy takes an interest in you and makes you a good offer.

If you are starting to need love'n and your husband isn't proving it nor making an attempt to, it's just a matter of time before you lose enough respect and attraction in him that you will find a way to justify taking someone else up on your offer.

This is a serious situation and you may need professional intervention to head off an impending disaster.

 

 

I can't believe that I've been married two years and when my husband leaves I want to masturbate, I don't feel like that's normal.

 

 

It is normal. Kind of pathetic and sad, but normal. He's the one that's outside the norm.

 

 

 

 

I have tried asking him if there is anything he fantasizes about, any weird desires that he has. I want to fulfil those and I've even ask him if he wanted to watch porn with me

 

 

 

 

What has been his response to those questions? I'm not asking what his answer was, I am asking what was his response. Did he stiff-arm you or blow you off? Did he act shocked or offended? Was he excited and turned on? etc etc?

 

 

although I feel like that is a very sick thing for a married couple to do… I want my husband to want me.

 

 

 

 

It's not a sick thing for a couple to do together as part of their own sexual dynamic as a couple. It's problematic when one of them does on their own to the exclusion of the other and doesn't give them the attention and loving that they want and need because of it.

 

 

Please don't mention the possibility of my husband being gay, I realized it sounds like that but it wasn't always like this right before we got married when we were having sex it was awesome and it was all the time for a couple of months and he was always the one that wanted it.

 

 

The thought of him being gay hadn't crossed my mind until you brought it up. The fact that you brought it up in the first place means that it's something you are wondering about and possibly concerned about. ... or it means you are questioning his masculinity and sexual prowess as a man. Both of those are troubling.

The fact is, just because he had a lot of sex with you in the beginning doesn't necessarily exclude a sexual orientation issue.

Lots of gay guys have had sex with women at some point in their lives. Having sex with women does not rule out a gender identity or sexual orientation issue.

He's probably not gay and I wouldn't waste a lot of time or energy looking into it but I do encourage you to look through his computers and his phone etc for porn use. If you find a stash of porn and it's gay or bisexual porn, then there's your sign.

 

 

 

 

(And when I say rarely, I mean usually once or twice every two months, when I beg for it)

 

 

Again, highly abnormal behavior for a 25 year old male. Start seriously looking into each of the potential issues I listed up above. Your answer is in one or more of those things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See my responses in bold above. I will address the Madonna/Whore thing a little more below.

[EnderA]

Low T.

 

(The rest is to make the character count happy)

[oldshirt]

Thanks everyone. Yes, we are Christians and I initially believed guilt was part of the reason sex plummeted.

He is continually affectionate in other areas. Kissing, hugging, romancing, calls and texts sweet things all day, leaves me surprise chocolates and gifts! In the way he treats me, it's clear he loves me. He is very selfless and cares so much about me. It's just something about sex!!!!!!!!! He seems so shameful when I bring up how much it hurts me, he sheds a tear and swears he will get better, but it never lasts. I would consider counseling, although it's such an awkward thing to talk about I feel like my husband would be so embarrassed.

 

 

 

I am wondering if his religious and gender role beliefs are playing a big role in this.

 

 

There is a condition called The Madonna/Whore complex where men have very rigid sexual beliefs and very rigid, traditional ideas about gender roles and the role of sexuality in marriage and family life etc etc and the bottom line is they are sexually attracted to "bad girls" but feel that sex is degrading and offensive to "good girls" and as such they have trouble defiling their wives and the mothers of their children but they are ok with banging single women or 'bad' women such as strippers and town whores and prostitutes etc.

 

 

I am concerned your husband was ok with having sex with you when you were a single woman and saw you as a "bad girl" since you slept with him prior to marriage, but now that you are married and he sees you as the possibly the mother of his future children, he has difficulty being sexual with you.

 

 

If this is the case, this is a very serious situation and one that will require professional therapy with a therapist that deals with sexual dysfunctions and preferably one that has considerable experience in dealing with people with strong religious beliefs and rigid gender roles and the roles of sexuality in marriage.

 

 

If he does have some kind of Madonnna/Whore thing going on, it is outside of the ability of strangers on an internet forum to advise you and will require professional assistance.

[mindfulquest]

Maybe he is scared to become a father.

He avoid sex, no sex equal no pregnancy.

My hubby was like your.

I noticed he was pressured by his family to have a child since we were together for 13y before we decided to mary, by then we were in our mid and end of the thirtyish of age.

[crederer]

I'm going to assume he was probably sexually abused as a child or suffered some other sort of trauma that has conditioned him to not like sex.

 

I'm a pretty big advocate of having sexual relations long before marriage as sexual compatability is a pretty important factor in a relationship.