jnr586 Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Hi all, have posted before under different circumstances. In short, I am a 31-year-old man that is starting to come to terms that I am gay. I have been fighting it for a long time and I think I am about to tell a few of my close friends. I am particularly nervous about telling one of my friends. We have known each other about a year and we have become extremely close friends. He is a midwestern all-American farm boy that is about as far from your typical gay man as you could expect. If I had to guess I bet that most would be surprised that I am gay. Anyways, our friendship is close enough that I have sometimes questioned whether there might be 'something' between us. I am honestly really unsure. Probably he just likes me as a good friend, although I have read a couple clues that may suggest otherwise. Regardless, he is a wonderful friend and I do not want to lose him. He is currently in a long-distance relationship with a girl; I am recently out of mine. I am afraid to tell him that I am gay because I don't want to sacrifice the intimacy of our friendship. I am afraid he may think I am interested and he may push me away. Truth be told, I do have feelings for him but I have zero intention of pursuing those feelings. I just want him- an important person in this stage of my life- to know the truth about me. To straight people out there, have you or any others reacted adversely to your best friend (or one of your closest friends) telling you that they were gay? He is a fairly conservative guy, but seems to be accepting of homosexuals... I just worry he may think it's strange to be best friends with a homosexual. Thoughts? Thanks so much in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I wouldn't say she was my best friend but a dear friend came out to me probably 20 years ago. She was incredibly nervous & I didn't understand why. She confessed that I was the tough person to come out with because she didn't think I'd understand. That hurt to hear that she perceived me as being homophobic. I shared with her that I suspected she was gay but assured her that her orientation didn't matter to me at all. She still looked terrified. Then I asked if she was trying to tell me more, such as that she liked me, liked me because that wasn't on my agenda. At that she finally laughed & relaxed. We talked more & I asked all the gossipy Qs about her new GF who is now her wife. Your situation may be a bit different because you do think you have romantic feelings for your BFF. That's more personal. While I think most people are open minded these days, if he's straight I wouldn't share your crush. That could make him uncomfortable. If after you tell him, something changes or you get more overt signals, then go for it but I'd let him make the 1st move. If he doesn't & you can handle the "friendzone" just keep doing what you have been doing. Link to post Share on other sites
axisdenied Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Hello, fellow gay. :-) I know that you specifically requested responses from straight people, but I'd like to weigh in on this, if you don't mind. Congratulations on finding self-acceptance. Even in these more progressive years, coming out is still a difficult road to walk, and one of the biggest reasons for that is a fear of how it will affect your current relationships. It's important for the people with whom you share the closest bond to know who you are. While it's always a highly personal decision about when you will be more open with friends about the specifics of your sexuality, I would advise that you put aside your fears and strike while the iron is hot. There are many reasons for this. Here are two that, in my own experience, I've found are important-- 1) If you hold off on revealing your sexual orientation while you think it is important, it could, unintentionally, create a deleterious rift in the friendship. Nothing about this is specific to the idea of coming out as a gay person. It's more a testament to the consequences of deception. It's good to wait until the time is right, but if you keep it to yourself beyond that point, you'll be harboring a secret, an act that has no place in a good friendship. 2) If you believe that after a year's worth of a great (platonic) relationship that being honest will scare a person away, perhaps it is best that you know now rather than later. People who allow their politics to interfere with the joys of appreciating somebody who is different from them have personal problems that are unlikely to be solved by knowing you longer. Most of my friends are heterosexual, including my best friend of 18 years. I have never experienced a horrified-type of reaction when disclosing my orientation to friends. Most of them already knew. Even if you don't have any identifiable mannerisms, or whatever, people will pick up on the fact that you do not discuss the opposite sex in a romantic/sexual way (assuming that you aren't working to throw anybody off the big, gay trail). And, if they truly love and respect you, they will never corner you into outing yourself to them. But they will want you to be comfortable enough to tell them--it's important for preserving the intimacy of the friendship. Anyway, sorry to crash your thread. I just wanted to point out that it is in no way uncommon to keep mixed-orientation friendships. Be careful with your feelings. I think you already have the right idea there. --A 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I had a friend come out to me in November. I could tell he was struggling really really hard to tell me something. I said just spit it out. He told me he was gay and my response was " and? " Didn't bigger me at all. I told him I would have had the same reaction if he had told me what he had for dinner last night. It didn't change anything. Although I wish he told me before he crashed at my place and I was walking around in my under wear. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Say it matter factly. No apologies necessary. I don't apologize for my gender preference and neither should you. Yes in past memories I had a girl "assume" I was of her persuasion, and that ended in a lead balloon fiasco. It was the way it came off that I seemed to not fair well with. Anyways, a guy friend of mine came out and I was tickled pink for him! It was about time since His mother and I both knew years before. We just needed for him to grow into his lifestyle. He does unfortunately get his set of negative comments since my town is extremely narrowminded. Point being, trust your instincts and trust your friends. Most will be like...its about time! Some who struggle with it do so for there own reasons....May your friend be open and accepting. Best to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Back when I was a hippie, a college friend who became a real-life friend came out. She was engaged to be married when I first met her, but it was one of those deals where she only knew the guy two weeks and I actually told her it was a stupid idea late at night after her dorm party to announce it. It was some time later when she got very attached to me and I her and she came out. It should be said that although I didn't quite get it at the time, she had some more serious problems, as I later found out she did some prostitution for this creepy older lesbian who followed her around. I loved her as a friend and before I understood where it was coming from, I enjoyed all the flattering attention, but she was too messed up in other ways to keep her around. She was manipulative (and bi, I guess) and would go insinuate herself into other people's relationships and stuff in an innocent-seeming manner and over time, our group got suspicious of her. After I got away from her, she became my first stalker. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 OP, I say just tell him about your orientation but leave everything else (i.e. your potential feelings for him) out of the mix. Until you see any clear signs otherwise, stick with the assumption that he is straight and has no feelings for you, and treat him as such. And honestly, if that's the case, then he shouldn't feel troubled or confused about your revelation at all -- he shouldn't see it as any kind of threat. Link to post Share on other sites
pygora1994 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) I know you asked for straight people's responses, but as a gay person I went through a similar situation. I didn't come out completely until I was 23. My best friend is fairly conservative and I live in a conservative area. He supported me completely, He told me that nothing changed about our relationship and he was glad I was able to tell him. If anything were became even closer. Also one of my other friends (we have a strained relationship at the moment) is gay. He is the typical farmboy type. He is a registered republican a member of the FFA and is the closest thing to a suburban county boy. you really can't always tell a what a persons reaction will be (or even sexuality) by outward attributes. I can tell you that anymore most people are supportive of people coming out. I think its really rare that people negatively react to friends coming out of the closet. If you are really good friends with him I would doubt that he would care. I can really only speak to personal experience. I am younger and my friends are from a younger age bracket, but I had zero negative experience coming out, and I really wished I had come out a lot sooner. The worst part of the experience was building up enough courage to tell people. After that it was "really? This is what I had been fearing?" It was anti-climatic if anything. I also would say that I would leave out telling him about your feeling for him. Unless he tell you he's into guy I would risk the relationship. even if he's gay (or bisexual) it is a risk potentially damaging a friendship. The gay guy I was friends with is currently not speaking to me because I developed feeling for him, and I made some bad decisions concerning them. I think ulitmately the friendship can be repaired given time and effort on my part, but the pain of losing a friend was not worth trying to make him reciprocate my feelings. Whatever you do do not come on too strongly to him because It will strain the friendship if those feeling are unreciprocated. Love makes us do really stupid things sometimes. If you have to take a step back from the friendship and take time to sort out your feelings. Edited May 5, 2014 by pygora1994 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 My best girlfriends are all bisexual. Some tried to "come out" but I already knew and accepted them regardless of sexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I had two friends come out to me. One was a best female friend from high school. We are 22 now and she admitted to being bi-sexual and tends to go for girls more. I am completely fine with it & does not change my opinion on her whatsoever, only me and another girl in our group know. I wish she would be brave enough to be open with everyone about it. Another one is a guy mate from high school a few years ago. It was a bit of a shock to me because he was very popular at school, a lot of the girls thought he was cute and he even dated a few girls. When we were about 19 he was in the car with 4 of us girls and we were drunk and he said girls I need to tell you that I'm gay, always have been. We all just loved him even more I think, it was bloody hilarious actually, we went to a club that night and he said to me after I was chatting to a guy "OMG, you can do so much better, he's not even hot". Everyone knows he is gay now. He was at first worried that the guys might not like him any more or be "scared" but it was the complete opposite. Nothing changed. SO DON'T be afraid to tell your friends! If they are true friends they will love you no matter what! Link to post Share on other sites
RoseMadder Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 My bf j is gay, when he came out a few years ago we'd just asked him to be my H best man at our wedding, he was scared we wouldn't want him to do it any more bless him. Of course that was a daft thought, but it shows how much people worry about how others will react (to clarify, my h and I are v liberal, don't know why he'd even think it!) My h was never worried that j was trying to "seduce him" or any of that, although he did joke that he was so good looking he'd turned j gay.. Lol. My H is quite happy to get up on in a gay club and throw some shapes, between the two of them they can clear any dance floor in Cardiff (shocking dancers, the pair of them). What I'm trying to say is that nothing has fundamentally changed in our friendship, the boys are still partners in crime and j is still my best friend in the world. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnr586 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 I came out to him a few days ago. He was great. It feels like nothing has changed between us. Your posts gave me the courage to talk to him so thank you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 jnr586 -- Good for you!!!! So glad it had a happy ending. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneT1985 Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I had a friend come out to me. I was not surprised and nothing changed in our relationship at all. Best of luck to you! xx Link to post Share on other sites
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