Ailsa1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I know this may seem cruel but I believe it happens quite regularly, I know it did in my situation for instance he would tell me they had an argument and she would call him a selfish so and so and I would then tell him he was no such thing and his wife should be grateful, it was devious on my part and I knew it would may cause another argument between them when he then wouldn't succumb to her demands (which I now realise she had every right to think what she did at that time) I knew by stroking his ego this would cause a drift between. I wonder if others have done the same thing? Now please be honest as I think most of us do this, it isn't meant to be cruel towards the wife I think it's more to do with getting closer to him. I do not want this thread to cause arguments I know what I done was wrong but maybe this thread could also help some BS understand why sometimes their WS was distant/resentful towards them over silly things which would never have bothered them before the A. Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I know this may seem cruel but I believe it happens quite regularly, I know it did in my situation for instance he would tell me they had an argument and she would call him a selfish so and so and I would then tell him he was no such thing and his wife should be grateful, it was devious on my part and I knew it would may cause another argument between them when he then wouldn't succumb to her demands (which I now realise she had every right to think what she did at that time) I knew by stroking his ego this would cause a drift between. I wonder if others have done the same thing? Now please be honest as I think most of us do this, it isn't meant to be cruel towards the wife I think it's more to do with getting closer to him. I do not want this thread to cause arguments I know what I done was wrong but maybe this thread could also help some BS understand why sometimes their WS was distant/resentful towards them over silly things which would never have bothered them before the A. "Getting closer" to him by being devious and manipulative to cause discord in their marriage? Cheating spouses being distant and resentful due to the interference of the OW? What I'm confused about is why you feel they need some deeper understanding of this. I think that most BS' understand it quite well. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) Well I am aiming this question at OW and their thoughts At the time of the affair I didn't realise it was devious I now realise after the affair that it was and how low and maybe even manipulative I had become. Thanks for your response Edited May 1, 2014 by Ailsa1983 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 in fact my husband and I never fought at all we were always best friends,he did seem distant for a bit,and in fact has told me he and the xow,always fought,she worked nights,and if he didn't respond to her quickly,she would go off,he has no idea why he kept continuing contact with her,but I do she threatened to tell me,and he was a coward 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Don't care- if I did then.... woe is she & he. in a real pissy mood lately -writings on the wall 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 Don't care- if I did then.... woe is she & he. in a real pissy mood lately -writings on the wall Yep had a lot of them days as well Nais, infact them days where I was indifferent were actually the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 My husband actually fought and argued with OW far more than he ever did with me. From the way she behaved when he ended the affair (screaming phone calls, etc.) I find this to be quite believable. Our problems stemmed more from lack of communication. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I never knew when he had an argument with her. I never asked. He never told 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 My husband actually fought and argued with OW far more than he ever did with me. From the way she behaved when he ended the affair (screaming phone calls, etc.) I find this to be quite believable. Our problems stemmed more from lack of communication. This wasn't the case for us, I'm not saying we didn't argue as this is inevitable in these situations but I believe they argued more because of my input although I did not realise until discovery how much input I had on his home life even though we agreed not to interfere with each other's families/spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I never knew when he had an argument with her. I never asked. He never told He never told me either but I knew when something was bothering him and thus led him to telling me what happened and why he was agitated. Link to post Share on other sites
littlemermaid Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I know that I caused them to fight in that for the last 7 or so months that we were all friends together, they would fight almost every time we were all together because she was jealous of me and thought that he looked at me too much, would make excuses to touch me and talk to me, stand and sit too close to me, pay too much attention to me, drink from my drink, etc. But I never said anything to him that would cause them to argue later. My presence in their life did that all by itself. Now I never see him and would never be anywhere they both were. I see her by herself. No one knows but he and I, there was no D-Day only her suspicions, which she suspected long before he ever touched me or admitted anything to me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Did you as the [OM] contribute to [MW] and [husband's] arguments ? Apparently, retrospectively, due to my believing the accounts by MW and enabling her to the point of emboldening her in their interactions, or so I would learn many years later. TBH, though, if it hadn't been me, it would have been some other guy, and was, variously, over the years. IMO, nothing exists in a vacuum. Everything affects everything else, to some degree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Ailsa, don't mean to change the focus, but did you instigate arguments in hopes of increasing your chances of the married couple splitting and you ending up with MM? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 Ailsa, don't mean to change the focus, but did you instigate arguments in hopes of increasing your chances of the married couple splitting and you ending up with MM? Good question and one I've often thought about, but honestly I don't think I did I was just defending him in my own way, it's sad to admit but sometimes knowing he wasn't happy with her for xyz reasons it made me almost happy with the situation because I knew he would be in contact with me more often when this happened. Our situation was royally f**ked up, we didn't want to be with each other as a "real" couple (age difference, families etc etc) but we sure as hell acted like we did. Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Well, to answer the OP's question, the exMM did complain about a lot of fights with his W. When I was naïve enough to believe him, I did console him, which in a way, probably did encourage things. Once I figured out that he was a complete liar, I stopped believing the stuff he'd say about his wife, and I'd challenge him on it, which wound up creating strife with us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) No. He and I never spoke about their relationship in any detail and I had no idea what they spoke about. Our relationship was ours and theirs was theirs as much as it was possible, so there was never an occasion for me to add my 2 cents about their relationship or gang up against her with him or anything like that as it never came up. I much preferred it that way as I had some semblance of it just being about us and not this conscious competition between me and her. Edited May 1, 2014 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 No. He and I never spoke about their relationship in any detail and I had no idea what they spoke about. Our relationship was ours and theirs was theirs as much as it was possible, so there was never an occasion for me to add my 2 cents about their relationship or gang up against her with him or anything like that as it never came up. I much preferred it that way as I had some semblance of it just being about us and not this conscious competition between me and her. Yeah I was the exact same in the beginning but as time progressed and emotions got more extreme. It was more when we had made plans and he couldn't make it, he would whine about how upset and annoyed he was that he couldn't make it which then led to me asking why .. You can guess the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 My husband didn't discuss me with her like that. We very rarely argue while he said that is all they did. His behavior with me didn't change during his affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 we don't contribute to their arguments, as other women we actually save their marriage. we fill in the empty spots so they don't have to leave 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 My husband didn't discuss me with her like that. We very rarely argue while he said that is all they did. His behavior with me didn't change during his affair. I don't think my H was trying to bait OW with me either. The A was pretty short (2 months) and I didn't notice any major changes in his behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) we don't contribute to their arguments, as other women we actually save their marriage. we fill in the empty spots so they don't have to leave Good thing he fired his ow, if this was her job, she failed miserably. Do you really believe this to be true? You consider yourself relationship filler? I'm divorcing, while he is doing everything to stay. Edited May 1, 2014 by purplesorrow 6 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Folks, I'm here to tell you if people continue to swoop in and post zingers and jabs and cuts at members who are trying to address the topic civilly, you'll simply join the growing list of people excluded from our forums. We're really not giving much middle ground here anymore. If it's that important to you to get your pound of flesh, well, OK. Just be aware that once I press the ban button, you're gone forever and we will track you, and do, every day. I'm really sorry it has to come to this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 He's never brought up his wife. I have mixed feelings on whether or not I want him to. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 we don't contribute to their arguments, as other women we actually save their marriage. we fill in the empty spots so they don't have to leave I have to say that when I was an OW, I made a conscious decision to NOT be a band aid for my MM's marriage. I didn't want to hear about his marriage, didn't allow him to call me when he was at home, etc. I was NOT going to make his home life more tolerable by filling any empty spots for him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 No, it wasn't really like that for us. We talked about our respective spouses with each other, but never really trash-talked them. I've never met his wife, but she sounds like a good person. I'm sure they had their difficulties (obviously), but I wasn't trying to actively create arguments between them or act as some sort of solace for their problems. The thought is actually kind of icky to me. (for lack of a better word, and yes, I appreciate the hypocrisy of what I'm saying there.) That said though? The affair obviously caused us both some significant inner turmoil and distancing from our spouses. So even if we weren't trying to create actual arguments in each other's marriages, I'm sure that it happened somewhat inadvertently. The topic also reminded me of a comment my xAP made on the way back to the airport after our first weekend together. We were talking about wanting to be together, and he sort of half-jokingly told me to go home and be a total b**** to my husband, in the hopes of sort of driving him away from me. Ha? Link to post Share on other sites
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