Did you as the OW contribute to MM and wife's arguments ?

[GreySkyMorning]

we don't contribute to their arguments, as other women we actually save their marriage. we fill in the empty spots so they don't have to leave

 

I do believe that in my case. He and her never seemed to argue, or he never let on if they did. From watching on this end, they seemed more distant with each other than anything else. He turned to me to talk about everything. Sometimes, I do think that having my emotional support to fall back on made it easier to deal with not having it at home. He didn't need it from her and didnt seem to miss not getting it from her. He had me to fall back on.

[Ailsa1983]

I think some people have got it wrong I did not mean "trash talk" about his wife there was no such thing and she was a good person, I never once bad mouthed her, what I meant was, if they had a disagreement about something I would automatically be on side and explain why I was. This in return caused him to think he was even more right about whatever they were arguing about and did indeed cause friction.

[P1nginLOVE]

I never knew when he had an argument with her. I never asked. He never told

 

At first, I didn't know and he never shared that.

In the beginning of the A, he'd just throw me compliments and ask what would make me happy and share funny stories...

 

When his W discovered about me (as she managed to discover his cell's pword after thousands of attempts), she emailed me and threatened me. I told him, I deserved it and I shut him out. Then he wanted to meet me and tried to explain what happened. He told me, W probably sensed that he was emotionally and physically distant. Then I stopped him there.

He then learnt, without me saying it, that I don't want to know.

 

My story was quite unique. His W told me everything. Few months after her 1st email, she emailed me and asked me to communicate. She told me all of the mess they're having, before and after my presence.

I told her to stay strong and feed his ego, or else, he can always find someone or some women outside. I said, I backed off because I didn't want to hurt her (despite I don't know her), but there are other women outside that would want to be with him who won't care about how she feels.

[bentleychic]

I'm sure I did indirectly by even being in his life, but otherwise generally quite the opposite. The few times he'd tell me about a tiff they had, I normally agreed with her. Not intentionally for any reason, but b/c I was honest and she and I have similar thinking about some things.

Edited May 2, 2014 by bentleychic

[Waverly]

I think some people have got it wrong I did not mean "trash talk" about his wife there was no such thing and she was a good person, I never once bad mouthed her, what I meant was, if they had a disagreement about something I would automatically be on side and explain why I was. This in return caused him to think he was even more right about whatever they were arguing about and did indeed cause friction.

 

Sorry, Ailsa, I'm guessing you mean me. Hope I didn't give the wrong impression -- I know that's not what you were saying you did. Your question more got me thinking about the whole dynamic we had, and how our spouses fit into that, so I guess I rambled a bit off-topic there...

[Sub]

we don't contribute to their arguments, as other women we actually save their marriage. we fill in the empty spots so they don't have to leave

 

Do you mean this from the perspective of the MM, that he views you as such? Or are you saying this to mean you, as an OW, are consciously helping the M?

[cocorico]

I know this may seem cruel but I believe it happens quite regularly, I know it did in my situation for instance he would tell me they had an argument and she would call him a selfish so and so and I would then tell him he was no such thing and his wife should be grateful, it was devious on my part and I knew it would may cause another argument between them when he then wouldn't succumb to her demands (which I now realise she had every right to think what she did at that time) I knew by stroking his ego this would cause a drift between.

 

I wonder if others have done the same thing? Now please be honest as I think most of us do this, it isn't meant to be cruel towards the wife I think it's more to do with getting closer to him.

 

I do not want this thread to cause arguments I know what I done was wrong but maybe this thread could also help some BS understand why sometimes their WS was distant/resentful towards them over silly things which would never have bothered them before the A.

 

I suspect I probably did contribute to arguments between them, as our R provided him with some comparison for how people who respect and care for each other treat one another. No doubt he became less tolerant of the way she treated him and the kids as a result, and while that am or may jot have led directly to arguments, it certainly influenced what he was prepared to put up with from her... And ultimately led to him leaving her.

[P1nginLOVE]

I'm sure I did indirectly by even being in his life, but otherwise generally quite the opposite. The few times he'd tell me about a tiff they had, I normally agreed with her. Not intentionally for any reason, but b/c I was honest and she and I have similar thinking about some things.

 

 

I totally understand what you mean...

I had some exact moments like those too

[goodyblue]

I think at times I did. He and I would argue occasionally because we were frustrated with our situation. When that happened, I think he took it out on everyone including her. Generally they didn't fight much because they didn't communicate in a positive or negative way at all, so when he was upset, it would cause an argument with them that probably wouldn't have occurred.

[AmyBamy]

There were a lot of times that they argued about me even though she didn't know who I was. There was also a lot of sharing on his part about why he was unhappy with her. I saw his side of it and he had valid and legitimate complaints about her and the marriage. If I didn't agree with him, I told him so, but usually, she was in the wrong, not him. I don't think all marriages are as out of sync as theirs was, but he really did have valid complaints. And before anyone slides in to say I was only hearing his side, I wasn't, I heard hers too. She had some valid complaints too but all of her complaints were simply about his reactions to her weirdness in relationships.

 

So, I never took his side to solidify he and I, but I did take his side if he had a valid complaint. There were times that I took her side too and let him know what I thought about his part in those. It didn't really matter either way since their marriage was long dead and they were both just kicking the dead horse at that point trying to make it breathe again with no desire for it.

[wanting more]

There were a lot of times that they argued about me even though she didn't know who I was. There was also a lot of sharing on his part about why he was unhappy with her. I saw his side of it and he had valid and legitimate complaints about her and the marriage. If I didn't agree with him, I told him so, but usually, she was in the wrong, not him. I don't think all marriages are as out of sync as theirs was, but he really did have valid complaints. And before anyone slides in to say I was only hearing his side, I wasn't, I heard hers too. She had some valid complaints too but all of her complaints were simply about his reactions to her weirdness in relationships.

 

So, I never took his side to solidify he and I, but I did take his side if he had a valid complaint. There were times that I took her side too and let him know what I thought about his part in those. It didn't really matter either way since their marriage was long dead and they were both just kicking the dead horse at that point trying to make it breathe again with no desire for it.

 

 

How do you know?? How did you hear her side?

[AmyBamy]

How do you know?? How did you hear her side?

 

Can't really tell you as it would be TMI, but I did. Sorry, will have to leave it at that.

[ladydesigner]

It didn't really matter either way since their marriage was long dead and they were both just kicking the dead horse at that point trying to make it breathe again with no desire for it.

 

Are they still married and in R? Just curious because not all marriages that were a dead horse end up staying that way. I would say my M was a dead horse partly because of me and partly because of WH, but we were able to make it breathe again. I know MOW was sure our M was doomed and there was no coming back from all the destruction but we have. Even I am surprised.

 

MOW definitely caused arguments between WH and I, some of it was coming straight from her to me and other times taking my WH's delusional side!

Edited May 6, 2014 by ladydesigner

[AmyBamy]

Are they still married and in R? Just curious because not all marriages that were a dead horse end up staying that way. I would say my M was a dead horse partly because of me and partly because of WH, but we were able to make it breathe again. I know MOW was sure our M was doomed and there was no coming back from all the destruction but we have. Even I am surprised.

 

MOW definitely caused arguments between WH and I, some of it was coming straight from her to me and other times taking my WH's delusional side!

 

They are in the divorce process. I am not seeing him. The divorce should be finalized in a month or so but probably won't be because the wife keeps dragging it out and wanting to reconcile. After dealing with the wife myself there is no doubt in my mind that I took the "right" side all the times I did when I took his side!

 

I am glad that you and your husband were able to get it all situated. I think that couples who really make it through reconciliation and put the work in are so much stronger and happier on the other side of it all.

[carhill]

How do you know?? How did you hear her side?

That's a really good question, as it presses on a hot topic for myself, verification.

 

My only verification was, respecting that my stint as an OM happened long before bag phones were a cool idea, I could hear the BH's apparently drunk rants over the house phone when called by the MW and it appeared my name was being mentioned, along with some expletives and 'I'll kill him' so I figured there was some argument going on about my place in their life, which in reality was insignificant since the 'affair' was an EA. His bigger problem was her boss; he was the guy doing the dickincider (her story). Nevertheless, my enabling did indeed contribute to marital discord, and apparently when her young daughter was around (she remembered me as an adult decades later; she knew who I was, no doubt). For that, I was dreadfully sorry and told her (daughter) so, even though she was only four or five when all that was going on. During that eight or so year period I would get random calls late at night and some were simply sobbing and others were apparently during arguments. Back then, I did answer the phone - answering machines were then new!

 

Anyway, verified. I got big on verification after the first round with that person. Life lessons!

[sunburned]

Carhill, what is a dickincider? I know what it sounds like, but you said it was your MOW's story. Does that mean she was having a PA with her boss and an EA with you and admitting openly to both?

[Got it]

I know this may seem cruel but I believe it happens quite regularly, I know it did in my situation for instance he would tell me they had an argument and she would call him a selfish so and so and I would then tell him he was no such thing and his wife should be grateful, it was devious on my part and I knew it would may cause another argument between them when he then wouldn't succumb to her demands (which I now realise she had every right to think what she did at that time) I knew by stroking his ego this would cause a drift between.

 

I wonder if others have done the same thing? Now please be honest as I think most of us do this, it isn't meant to be cruel towards the wife I think it's more to do with getting closer to him.

 

I do not want this thread to cause arguments I know what I done was wrong but maybe this thread could also help some BS understand why sometimes their WS was distant/resentful towards them over silly things which would never have bothered them before the A.

 

No not really. Usually I played devil's advocate with him as that is more my nature and, to be honest, I usually saw her point of view better. My role in his life, then and now, is not to blow sunshine up his patootie so if he is being unrealistic, wrong, etc. I would tell him. If I agreed with him I would tell him. But in something like this, if he is just at odds with something, my focus is more about how to resolve the issue than how to add fuel to the fire. I like to decrease the energy/drama not add to it.

[LaylaSings]

I do indirectly cause arguments I guess.

He has told me that he gets angry at her anytime he misses me, anytime she says if does something that he thinks I would do differently.

[Lady2163]

There was one time she saw a pg rated text and it was suggestive enough that it caused a fight.

 

Initially, I provided a buffer of sorts in their marriage. He was no longer "hounding" (his word) for sex. It actually made things more pleasant between them.

 

But, for the last couple of years, after we were together, his recovery time could be 3 weeks or longer. He is older now and doesn't perform like he used to. That caused some awkward moments with the strength of his chubby/stiffy/woody.

 

I'm just figuring out, now that we are only friends how much he avoids conflict. He does it with her, with me, with strangers. When the waitress or manager ask "how the meal is" he's going to say 'fine' whether it was or not. That is the way he is with everything. Except his work. In his work, he is boss, the buck stops with him, he makes 1000 decisions a day, etc. I kind of wonder if in his personal life he just prefers to go along.