snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 ok please don't bash me ow/om if you have read my post,im very compassionate towards everyone,and PLEASE know I don't think most ow/om are predatory,i think the opposite as well some mw/mm can be predatory. so our mc counselor has told me that she truly believes from everything my H,has told her about how they met,and when they saw each other,that she truly believes the xow,was like a predator,as soon as my H,mentioned any kind of discord,in our relationship,she sunk her claws into him,as an example buying him a very expensive laptop,when they never even met in person,and 2 months after corresponding. I don't want to get into to much,but she paid for everything,plane tickets,hotels,car rentals,casinos,dining,and I know this to be true,because the xow,even told me this,and I saw our credit card statements,and bank statements for this period of time. my husband also said that he was the only man to give her any kind of attention in years,i guess she hadn't been with a man since her husband passed 16 years before,she not what we will say in a kind way a looker at all,so in turn she wanted to do anything she could to hold on to him,and threatened to tell me,if he left her what a coward he was I know,so does he,i cant call him any names,cause believe me he calls himself worse names. again this isn't to bash the ow/om this is just the term our mc used,and shes been a infidelity mc for 25 years,and she counsels ow/om too,this is why we chose her,i wanted perspective from all directions Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Predatory may be a strong word in some cases. I know the OM definitely took advantage of our situation and my WW's vulnerability at the time. He knew what to say, and I know from seeing so much of their correspondance that he initiated a lot of what went on. I always referred to them as "seeds". Things that he would slyly mention or offer, then when my WW took the bate, he could put it all on her in the end. (And this isn't to take blame away from my WW.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Your counselor seems to have a good idea of the situation. Good to hear that you have a good one. Hope things improve for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 IMO, if your H was one in a line of MM's this person was exploiting for pleasure and/or profit, that would more completely align with the definition of a predator. One-time Jane infatuated with Tarzan and buying him stuff? Not so much, IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Maybe she really fell in love with your H, really blindly in love. Maybe her lonely situation is too much for her that she would just cling on to any man who showed her some affection. Maybe its the combination of both. I know some men/women who are really suited to that term, but from this single post of yours, she doesn't sound like one. More like a hapless hippo (honestly idk why hippo). One thing for sure, as you described, she has been generous. And it is actually quite hard for me to conjure the image of a 'generous predator'. On the other hand what would you, or your counselor, label the role your H was in? Victim? Anyway I hope things are moving forward for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) IMO, if your H was one in a line of MM's this person was exploiting for pleasure and/or profit, that would more completely align with the definition of a predator. One-time Jane infatuated with Tarzan and buying him stuff? Not so much, IMO. she bought him a lot of stuff,and then went phsycho when he ended it,but I was her target,i mean she went nuts the authorities had to get involved,the stalking,harrassing,late night hang ups on phone,i think that's a little predatory,not to mention the threatening of my family,like my kids,and newborn grandson Edited May 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I think some are hesitent to use the term because they personaly feel it is blameshifting. For me i think t can be true and let's call a spade a spade. There are some people who earn less sympathy from me when they find themselves in certain situations. For instance if my H's xMOW were to be divorced I wouldn't feel sorry for her. I would be glad her husband was finally free. She is in fact a "predator". No, she did not force my husband into anything or trick him. His actions are his own and so he has taken responsibility. But her? We have wince found out this was by far not her first stepping out nor was it her last. She is a pro at infidelity. So what else can you call her specifically than a predator? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 im not excusing husbands behavior,he was just as much at fault,but he was in a low dark place,he said he was rock bottom,and he couldn't get any lower that he was,and that's when she swooped in,and he was in to deep after she sent him the computer,he said he didn't want it,which she told me,he didn't want the computer,but she sent it anyways,and told him to donate it to the humane society,or whatever. I read all the correpondences too,they were more her leading the way,and him just following like a long lost sick dog,these gift she gave him came with a price,not out of the goodness of her heart. I spoke to her once right after dday,and she admitted that she was the pursuer,but that was before she hit the anger stage,and then wow she went crazy Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 It would certainly feel good to believe she was a predator...buying him stuff and all, sinking her "claws" into him. That would make it easier to think he had NO choice when he was buying HER stuff and telling HER lies and having sex with her despite his marital vows. I think most OWs are pretty clueless, maybe desperate at times, but predators? Hardly. Still, if it helps you heal to think of her as the evil seductress, go for it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 It would certainly feel good to believe she was a predator...buying him stuff and all, sinking her "claws" into him. That would make it easier to think he had NO choice when he was buying HER stuff and telling HER lies and having sex with her despite his marital vows. I think most OWs are pretty clueless, maybe desperate at times, but predators? Hardly. Still, if it helps you heal to think of her as the evil seductress, go for it. oh ok good one Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I think some are hesitent to use the term because they personaly feel it is blameshifting. For me i think t can be true and let's call a spade a spade. There are some people who earn less sympathy from me when they find themselves in certain situations. For instance if my H's xMOW were to be divorced I wouldn't feel sorry for her. I would be glad her husband was finally free. She is in fact a "predator". No, she did not force my husband into anything or trick him. His actions are his own and so he has taken responsibility. But her? We have wince found out this was by far not her first stepping out nor was it her last. She is a pro at infidelity. So what else can you call her specifically than a predator? I didn't call her that our mc counselor did,i played all the voicemails for her,let her see texts,and emails,that I never responded to,and our mc believes this isn't her first rodeo,as she put it. she feels she lied about not being with a man for 16 years,and she sounded like a professional,and knew what she was doing. why else would she ask my husband for pics,of my dad,and kids,and like an idiot he sent them to her Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 oh ok good one I never thought of her as an evil seductress I actually pity her 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I think most OWs are pretty clueless, maybe desperate at times, but predators? Hardly. Still, if it helps you heal to think of her as the evil seductress, go for it. I guess you didn't read the OP: "...and PLEASE know I don't think most ow/om are predatory,i think the opposite as well some mw/mm can be predatory." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Curious, how does the OW being a "predator" in your marriage counselor's mind make any difference in your reconciliation? How does it help to think of your H as a victim of a "predatory" OW? Does it help you in some way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I guess you didn't read the OP: "...and PLEASE know I don't think most ow/om are predatory,i think the opposite as well some mw/mm can be predatory." no she didn't,i don't think this for most ow I read on here,the one in my situation I do,i think quaker is very defensive to bs on here,and ive never been defensive to ow,on contrary ive felt bad for most 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I guess you didn't read the OP: "...and PLEASE know I don't think most ow/om are predatory,i think the opposite as well some mw/mm can be predatory." Well, then what is the purpose of the post? What is the purpose of sharing her MC's "speculations" after reading/listening to the OW's messages? And I suspect most WH's don't share ALL the messages...just the ones that make the other look insane. If she doesn't think the MC's "diagnosis" of the OW is valid, why is she listening to it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 Curious, how does the OW being a "predator" in your marriage counselor's mind make any difference in your reconciliation? How does it help to think of your H as a victim of a "predatory" OW? Does it help you in some way? I was just asking a question,wondering if anyone else ever heard of this now let me ask you a question did you read my first sentence?i said I don't think most ow/om are like this and I believe some mw/om can be predatory too,why are you so defensive? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Is participating in this discussion "defensive" because I don't necessarily share your views? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 she bought him a lot of stuff,and then went phsycho when he ended it,but I was her target,i mean she went nuts the authorities had to get involved,the stalking,harrassing,late night hang ups on phone,i think that's a little predatory,not to mention the threatening of my family,like my kids,and newborn grandson To my mind, that sounds less predatory and more either unhealthily infatuated or emotionally unstable. A predator is cool and moves on to the next target; they extract as much as they can and move on. This person sounded invested, which is antithetical to what a predator is. Predators consume and leave carcasses in their wake, generally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 Is participating in this discussion "defensive" because I don't necessarily share your views? no but don't ask whats the point of my thread either,if you don't like it go away 7 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I was just asking a question,wondering if anyone else ever heard of this now let me ask you a question did you read my first sentence?i said I don't think most ow/om are like this and I believe some mw/om can be predatory too,why are you so defensive? I did read it. That is why I specifically sited your MC as believing it, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 It would certainly feel good to believe she was a predator...buying him stuff and all, sinking her "claws" into him. That would make it easier to think he had NO choice when he was buying HER stuff and telling HER lies and having sex with her despite his marital vows. I think most OWs are pretty clueless, maybe desperate at times, but predators? Hardly. Still, if it helps you heal to think of her as the evil seductress, go for it. You are right. Maybe the OW who paid thousands of dollars for plane tickets to screw him (when he never even bought her a meal), stalked our family for YEARS after he dumped her, and sent him more than 30 texts in two minutes (2-1/2 years after d-day) was just a crazy-a** desperate skank, not a predator. If it helps YOU to heal to think of her as the former, go for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Hi snappy. It is an interesting question and I am very surprised at a counsellor saying the ow was a predator.I would have thought they would be more interested in your husband owning his own actions. I have without doubt been labelled the predator. I could see straight away that my APs wife would want to think of me like this to save having to face what her husband did. If it is easier for her to see me as the evil seductress then that's fine. Am I a predator, well I went looking for an affair. I suppose in that respect I chose him, but he chose me We are equally culpable. We made our own choices And at times during our relationship one or other of us have been more predatory than the other. I don't think it is possible to categorise people. Do people deliberately set out to snare someone? Or do people fall into affairs. Again my APs wife thought I was out to get a wealthy husband and wanted her life. I am high earning professional and that just wasn't my intention. In your case, it actually sounds sad, this woman maybe wanted your husband, was lonely, fell in love and then could see the life she wanted. In the end no matter how predatory her behaviour your husband happily went along with it He is an adult he made his own choices. So 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I did read it. That is why I specifically sited your MC as believing it, not you. yes,and that's why I came on here to ask,it has nothing to do with my reconciliation,it was just a curiosity,more people have been on this horrible path longer than myself,and I wanted to know about the predatory om/ow if anyone has heard of it,and theres a lot more this xow did,that I cannot get into,at least not right now,i wish I could cause I could heal better,but she did some horrible,horrible stuff to me and my kids,i can only share the tame stuff right now,lets just say im glad she lives on opposite coast Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) OK, in the spirit of total honesty (and fully aware that I will make myself look really bad) I was absolutely the aggressor at the beginning of our affair, although, please note I am NOT copping to being a predator. It really does happen this way sometimes. There is no doubt in my mind that, had I not instigated spending time alone with my MM, there is no way that we would ever have gotten together. He actually tried to avoid me. I am ashamed to admit that I absolutely maneuvered things to my advantage. I could try to excuse myself by saying that I had heard his marriage was over, but, not going there and there really is no excuse for my behavior anyway. I didn't go as far as the OW in your situation (i.e. paying for things, gifts, etc) and once we were involved, he was all in, but.... had I not strategically arranged things, nothing ever would have happened between us. Not pretty, but it is the truth. Sometimes OWs can be the instigators of the affair. Edited May 1, 2014 by WasOtherWoman edited: incorrect use of apostrophe 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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