The predatory OW/OM? [update]

[QuakerOats]

You are right. Maybe the OW who paid thousands of dollars for plane tickets to screw him (when he never even bought her a meal), stalked our family for YEARS after he dumped her, and sent him more than 30 texts in two minutes (2-1/2 years after d-day) was just a crazy-a** desperate skank, not a predator. If it helps YOU to heal to think of her as the former, go for it.

 

 

 

How do you know he never bought her a meal? that is just silly.

[yellowmaverick]

yes,and that's why I came on here to ask,it has nothing to do with my reconciliation,it was just a curiosity,more people have been on this horrible path longer than myself,and I wanted to know about the predatory om/ow if anyone has heard of it,and theres a lot more this xow did,that I cannot get into,at least not right now,i wish I could cause I could heal better,but she did some horrible,horrible stuff to me and my kids,i can only share the tame stuff right now,lets just say im glad she lives on opposite coast

 

 

Yes, I sometimes think the OW was the same person in our cases. She was NUTS. It's especially difficult when the OW sets out to harm your children after she gets dumped. Sick, really.

[snappytomcat]

OK, in the spirit of total honesty (and fully aware that I will make myself look really bad) I was absolutely the aggressor at the beginning of our affair, although, please note I am NOT copping to being a predator.

It really does happen this way sometimes.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that, had I not instigated spending time alone with my MM, there is no way that we would ever have gotten together. He actually tried to avoid me. I am ashamed to admit that I absolutely maneuvered things to my advantage. I could try to excuse myself by saying that I had heard his marriage was over, but, not going there and there really is no excuse for my behavior anyway.

 

I didn't go as far as the OW in your situation (i.e. paying for things, gifts, etc) and once we were involved, he was all in, but.... had I not strategically arranged things, nothing ever would have happened between us.

 

Not pretty, but it is the truth. Sometimes OWs can be the instigators of the affair.

thank yo wastheotherwoman ,see I just wanted an honest answer whos been in that situation,and no I don't think most ow are predators,but there are always exceptions to the rule

[yellowmaverick]

How do you know he never bought her a meal? that is just silly.

 

I told her that he said he never even bought her so much as a meal, and SHE CONFIRMED THAT.

[Fluttershy]

OK, in the spirit of total honesty (and fully aware that I will make myself look really bad) I was absolutely the aggressor at the beginning of our affair, although, please note I am NOT copping to being a predator.

It really does happen this way sometimes.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that, had I not instigated spending time alone with my MM, there is no way that we would ever have gotten together. He actually tried to avoid me. I am ashamed to admit that I absolutely maneuvered things to my advantage. I could try to excuse myself by saying that I had heard his marriage was over, but, not going there and there really is no excuse for my behavior anyway.

 

I didn't go as far as the OW in your situation (i.e. paying for things, gifts, etc) and once we were involved, he was all in, but.... had I not strategically arranged things, nothing ever would have happened between us.

 

Not pretty, but it is the truth. Sometimes OWs can be the instigators of the affair.

 

What a breath of fresh air in honesty. And yes your actions at the time were "predatory" as far as some people see it. I think perhaps what can be so hard for anyone is when the AP never takes responsibility for their actions, specialy when it is a friend or even on here. I would still consider the xMoW in my situation more of a predator than you because of her rap sheet. She is a skilled hunter of married men.

[snappytomcat]

How do you know he never bought her a meal? that is just silly.

why does it matter,maybe he did,but if he did who gives a flying rats ass,if he bought a cheap meal once,im just saying in the big picture she bought most everything,its silly you keep asking me silly questions

[yellowmaverick]

why does it matter,maybe he did,but if he did who gives a flying rats ass,if he bought a cheap meal once,im just saying in the big picture she bought most everything,its silly you keep asking me silly questions

 

I think she was responding to my post.

[NotOW35]

To address the original question, I've never heard of such a thing. I'd think the counselor would be serving the couple better by encouraging them to look at themselves instead of assigning blame outward. Really. Maybe she was a ho, maybe she had money to burn...who cares; the MM was married and she didn't accidentally sit on his penis. On a more serious not, why not focus on how the couple can please each other, take care of each other during this time of limited trust instead of pointing fingers at the "predator" OW. There will ALWAYS be OW out there...some quite aggressive. The point the counselor should focus on is you don't need to indulge temptation and hurt others, even if you are at your own "rock bottom." That would seem like money better spent in counseling than analyzing the H's ex lover who clearly has a few screws loose.

[snappytomcat]

To address the original question, I've never heard of such a thing. I'd think the counselor would be serving the couple better by encouraging them to look at themselves instead of assigning blame outward. Really. Maybe she was a ho, maybe she had money to burn...who cares; the MM was married and she didn't accidentally sit on his penis. On a more serious not, why not focus on how the couple can please each other, take care of each other during this time of limited trust instead of pointing fingers at the "predator" OW. There will ALWAYS be OW out there...some quite aggressive. The point the counselor should focus on is you don't need to indulge temptation and hurt others, even if you are at your own "rock bottom." That would seem like money better spent in counseling than analyzing the H's ex lover who clearly has a few screws loose.

because she wont go away,so its hard to move on from that its been almost 11 months since dday,of harassment,online stalking,ive had to change phone numbers,email accounts a few times,now the authorities are involved,so yes that's the only reason we continute to talk about her in mc,cause she wont leave me alone

[snappytomcat]

forgot to add that it was quiete for almost 2 months i thought she finally went away,but she hasn't continues to threaten me and my kids,so what should i call her?just a phsycho if that's better for you people than i will just call her a phsycho,i cant say to much more about this horrible person right now,i would love to air it all out

[waterwoman]

She sounds like a rather tragic figure, desperate for attention and commitment. I suppose desperation might make you dangerous?

 

H's ow was not predatory, just rather sad and damaged. However I suspect she was a pretty good manipulator.

[Sub]

To address the original question, I've never heard of such a thing. I'd think the counselor would be serving the couple better by encouraging them to look at themselves instead of assigning blame outward.

 

It would depend on how much time and effort was spent discussing this OW as a predator, IMO. I don't think it's too far-fetched for someone to describe the actions of another human being as being predatory or "like" a predator within the context of a discussion, without directing the bulk of the blame towards them. You can have one without the other in this case.

[violet1]

When I was in my early 20's, I knew quite a few girls who intentionally went after attached guys. It made them feel good about themselves when they were able to get another woman's man to leave for them. They liked the challenge. In fact, my H's exW was all over him when he and I first started dating. Every time he was single, she didn't want anything to do with him after their D. She went after quite a few attached guys. Yes, her behavior was very predatory. I haven't really seen it on the various OW forums, but there are woman out there who do initiate affairs and the love the chase of an attached man.

[WasOtherWoman]

What a breath of fresh air in honesty. And yes your actions at the time were "predatory" as far as some people see it. I think perhaps what can be so hard for anyone is when the AP never takes responsibility for their actions, specialy when it is a friend or even on here. I would still consider the xMoW in my situation more of a predator than you because of her rap sheet. She is a skilled hunter of married men.

 

Thanks.... how my affair began was definitely not my proudest moment.

[Goodbye]

When I was married I had men who'd flirt and yes, sometimes persistently. That doesn't mean I acted upon it. I ignored it and it stopped. Pretty simple. Even if they knocked on my door day in day out, that would only make them LESS attractive and less likely to receive their ultimate goal. I just don't get how any amount of persistence can result in any normal, functional adult not being able to say no. Yes, people chase attached people for whatever reason. I just don't "get" why a married person would find this behavior attractive enough to get aroused and have an affair.

[snappytomcat]

When I was married I had men who'd flirt and yes, sometimes persistently. That doesn't mean I acted upon it. I ignored it and it stopped. Pretty simple. Even if they knocked on my door day in day out, that would only make them LESS attractive and less likely to receive their ultimate goal. I just don't get how any amount of persistence can result in any normal, functional adult not being able to say no. Yes, people chase attached people for whatever reason. I just don't "get" why a married person would find this behavior attractive enough to get aroused and have an affair.

I don't know I guess kinda of like an unmarried person finds a married person attractive,it goes both ways,you make it sound like its one sided,i never said it was one sided on my husbands part,it takes two to tango

[A.Moscote]

...I just don't "get" why a married person would find this behavior attractive enough to get aroused and have an affair.

 

Maybe that other person persistently do something that the married person crave for, while the spouse consistently fails to do so. So that married person gradually slip, the fog thicken, and eventually that other person's behavior doesn't seems pathetic anymore, it is now attractive.

 

Now I not implying that's how Snappy's H story was.

[snappytomcat]

She sounds like a rather tragic figure, desperate for attention and commitment. I suppose desperation might make you dangerous?

 

H's ow was not predatory, just rather sad and damaged. However I suspect she was a pretty good manipulator.

yes,somone so desperate can be dangerous,like the xow in our situation,im glad she lives 2000 miles away,but ive been threatened and so have my kids,so I do look over my shoulder,i live in a sorta of anxiety thinking she will show up,i can take care of myself,i fear for my kids,and grandchild

[Goodbye]

yes,somone so desperate can be dangerous,like the xow in our situation,im glad she lives 2000 miles away,but ive been threatened and so have my kids,so I do look over my shoulder,i live in a sorta of anxiety thinking she will show up,i can take care of myself,i fear for my kids,and grandchild

 

 

I know you mentioned earlier you have the authorities involved. You've gotten a restraining order I hope. Threats to your kids should be taken seriously by the police. Has your H been helpful in dealing with the police?

[jnel921]

Don't know if I agree with the MC on the term predator since the prey was willing and able to be caught.... Perhaps desperate is a better word.

[snappytomcat]

I know you mentioned earlier you have the authorities involved. You've gotten a restraining order I hope. Threats to your kids should be taken seriously by the police. Has your H been helpful in dealing with the police?

yes my husband is very supportive,and yes I do have a restraining order,but that worked for almost 2 months,and now shes back,im worried sick about my kids,cause also I don't want to freak them out and tell them whats going on

[snappytomcat]

Don't know if I agree with the MC on the term predator since the prey was willing and able to be caught.... Perhaps desperate is a better word.

yes he was a willing participant,but she wont leave me alone threatening my self,and kids,even with restraining order,yes desperate,phsycho,unstable whatever you want to call it,its scary none the less

[lostfaith]

I am so sorry that you have to go through it on top of dealing with your husband's infidelity. I think it is your husband's responsibility to stop this woman since he is the one who brought her into your life and your marriage. So I would tell him to do whatever it takes to stop her from attacking you or your family. He has to deal with her not you. I think though what she really wants is to hurt him not you. Again I am so sorry.

[snappytomcat]

I am so sorry that you have to go through it on top of dealing with your husband's infidelity. I think it is your husband's responsibility to stop this woman since he is the one who brought her into your life and your marriage. So I would tell him to do whatever it takes to stop her from attacking you or your family. He has to deal with her not you. I think though what she really wants is to hurt him not you. Again I am so sorry.

thank you for your kind words

and yes its my husbands mess,we had to obtain a lawyer to send her a cease and detist letter(I think that's what its called)and mailed it to her certified mail,and I do get that shes hurting him,by hurting me,its really been a horrible last 2 weeks,she was quiete for a while,but then came out guns blazing,leaving nasty messages,even said tell your nasty husband if he doesn't call me by 7 pm your time,i will send all nasty pics,and emails between us to his work,which why would his work care,it would embarrass him more than anything,and I don't care if he gets embarrassed.

its just the other attackes that fill me with anxiety

[notserene]

thank you for your kind words

and yes its my husbands mess,we had to obtain a lawyer to send her a cease and detist letter(I think that's what its called)and mailed it to her certified mail,and I do get that shes hurting him,by hurting me,its really been a horrible last 2 weeks,she was quiete for a while,but then came out guns blazing,leaving nasty messages,even said tell your nasty husband if he doesn't call me by 7 pm your time,i will send all nasty pics,and emails between us to his work,which why would his work care,it would embarrass him more than anything,and I don't care if he gets embarrassed.

its just the other attackes that fill me with anxiety

 

I hope you are doing all right. how is she contacting you?

 

I don't think that the word "predatory" is totally inappropriate in the case of a person who clearly wants to cause pain and destruction.