The predatory OW/OM? [update]

[snappytomcat]

I hope you are doing all right. how is she contacting you?

 

I don't think that the word "predatory" is totally inappropriate in the case of a person who clearly wants to cause pain and destruction.

well I have one of those pay as you go phones,and they don't have a blocking option,so I downloaded a free app,and blocked her,and it worked for a while,but now shes calling from a private number,and I cant block a private number,so I would have to change my number that I have had for 15 years,and use for work,so this will be the last resort,i jst don't answer private numbers,but she leaves horrid messages,so I might have to even not have voicemail,which truly sucks,for my job

[Goodbye]

yes he was a willing participant,but she wont leave me alone threatening my self,and kids,even with restraining order,yes desperate,phsycho,unstable whatever you want to call it,its scary none the less

 

 

 

From your original description, I think the MC was overstating things by calling the OW a predator...lying, buying stuff, persuing another well-abled adult doesn't make one a predator. However, when you add what you've stated later, that she continues to stalk, including children, even with a restraining order, well that becomes predatory-like in my book. Giving extravagant gifts in hopes of scoring a man? Not predatory, just desperate. Traveling 2000 miles to harass children? Yes predatory.

[Goodbye]

I am so sorry that you have to go through it on top of dealing with your husband's infidelity. I think it is your husband's responsibility to stop this woman since he is the one who brought her into your life and your marriage. So I would tell him to do whatever it takes to stop her from attacking you or your family. He has to deal with her not you. I think though what she really wants is to hurt him not you. Again I am so sorry.

 

 

Very good point. Maybe he can make that part of his redemption plan: get the crazy OW to cease and desist by whatever measures.

[snappytomcat]

From your original description, I think the MC was overstating things by calling the OW a predator...lying, buying stuff, persuing another well-abled adult doesn't make one a predator. However, when you add what you've stated later, that she continues to stalk, including children, even with a restraining order, well that becomes predatory-like in my book. Giving extravagant gifts in hopes of scoring a man? Not predatory, just desperate. Traveling 2000 miles to harass children? Yes predatory.

yes I should have stated this in the first place

first I cant say much,and im actually embarrassed that this is happening to me,i would just want her to go away,live her life,move on and I will say this,I DONT WISH HER ILL WILL,as a fellow human being,but I don't like her for what shes doing,do I feel bad for her?i did at first,im not a bad person trying to pick fights with ow,this is something our mc counselor said,but she also knows everything that's going on with this xow,more than I can share

but my husband and I are a united front,and continue to move forward,its hard though,cause when I feel ive moved 10 steps forward,she invades,and I take 8 steps back

[Goodbye]

yes I should have stated this in the first place

first I cant say much,and im actually embarrassed that this is happening to me,i would just want her to go away,live her life,move on and I will say this,I DONT WISH HER ILL WILL,as a fellow human being,but I don't like her for what shes doing,do I feel bad for her?i did at first,im not a bad person trying to pick fights with ow,this is something our mc counselor said,but she also knows everything that's going on with this xow,more than I can share

but my husband and I are a united front,and continue to move forward,its hard though,cause when I feel ive moved 10 steps forward,she invades,and I take 8 steps back

 

 

Well I wish you the best. I hope she leaves you in peace soon so all of you can heal. A bad situation all the way around.

[snappytomcat]

Well I wish you the best. I hope she leaves you in peace soon so all of you can heal. A bad situation all the way around.

thank you for being supportive I appreciate it

[WasOtherWoman]

yes I should have stated this in the first place

first I cant say much,and im actually embarrassed that this is happening to me,i would just want her to go away,live her life,move on and I will say this,I DONT WISH HER ILL WILL,as a fellow human being,but I don't like her for what shes doing,do I feel bad for her?i did at first,im not a bad person trying to pick fights with ow,this is something our mc counselor said,but she also knows everything that's going on with this xow,more than I can share

but my husband and I are a united front,and continue to move forward,its hard though,cause when I feel ive moved 10 steps forward,she invades,and I take 8 steps back

 

You should not be embarrassed by this.. this is no reflection on you. Hoping your family gets some peace soon

[Ailsa1983]

From what I've read so far on LS and other sites it seems that most MM are the "predatory" ones, more so the older men and younger women. I wouldn't go as far as saying that in my own A as at the beginning it was myself who instigated more of it. But I never held him hostage I never threatened him with exposure he always wanted to see me and he paid for everything. Yes on my other thread I tried to explain why I may have caused some arguments in their relationship but ultimately he told me about them. He inserted me into his life he was the one crying and whining that he couldn't bear to be apart from me when we split up numerous time before we were caught.

 

Honestly ? He done it because he didn't think he would get caught he loved the attention I gave him and more-so because I am 20 years younger and way out of his league. I can imagine what lies he told his wife and her actions after the affair was discovered may explain some of these.

 

As for predator on my part ? No definitely not.

[KaliLove]

The OW in my case had been chasing my exH for years before he and I even met. She even divorced her husband in the hopes that my ex would be with her (though he gave no signs that he would..she was just hoping). She was very wealthy and bought him a lot of stuff including a company (which he never did anything with).

 

For the record, I don't think it matters who is the predator, if anyone. It takes two to tango. Both parties are equally guilty. The person who is being chased can say no..they don't have to engage in the affair. They are choosing to do it. It's not fair for anyone involved to victimize themselves (unless the married person does not tell a single OW/M that they are married).

[fellini]

If she behaved like a "predator", this only explains how much easier it was for your H to engage in an affair, in terms of opportunity.

 

Beyond that, the "discovery" that she is a predator is just a metaphor, and frankly explains nothing in terms of your husband deciding to cheat.

 

Men can go to prostitutes, pay for sex. We don't ask if prostitutes are predatory.

 

She merely made it very easy for him to do what he wanted to do without the usual games of "hide and seek" while each tries to discover how far the other really wants to take it. So being a predator merely created a short cut to the EA/PA.

 

ok please don't bash me ow/om if you have read my post,im very compassionate towards everyone,and PLEASE know I don't think most ow/om are predatory,i think the opposite as well some mw/mm can be predatory.

so our mc counselor has told me that she truly believes from everything my H,has told her about how they met,and when they saw each other,that she truly believes the xow,was like a predator,as soon as my H,mentioned any kind of discord,in our relationship,she sunk her claws into him,as an example buying him a very expensive laptop,when they never even met in person,and 2 months after corresponding.

I don't want to get into to much,but she paid for everything,plane tickets,hotels,car rentals,casinos,dining,and I know this to be true,because the xow,even told me this,and I saw our credit card statements,and bank statements for this period of time.

my husband also said that he was the only man to give her any kind of attention in years,i guess she hadn't been with a man since her husband passed 16 years before,she not what we will say in a kind way a looker at all,so in turn she wanted to do anything she could to hold on to him,and threatened to tell me,if he left her what a coward he was I know,so does he,i cant call him any names,cause believe me he calls himself worse names.

again this isn't to bash the ow/om this is just the term our mc used,and shes been a infidelity mc for 25 years,and she counsels ow/om too,this is why we chose her,i wanted perspective from all directions

[snappytomcat]

If she behaved like a "predator", this only explains how much easier it was for your H to engage in an affair, in terms of opportunity.

 

Beyond that, the "discovery" that she is a predator is just a metaphor, and frankly explains nothing in terms of your husband deciding to cheat.

 

Men can go to prostitutes, pay for sex. We don't ask if prostitutes are predatory.

 

She merely made it very easy for him to do what he wanted to do without the usual games of "hide and seek" while each tries to discover how far the other really wants to take it. So being a predator merely created a short cut to the EA/PA.

thanks for your input,i know it takes 2 to tango,and I really wasn't asking why my husband decided to cheat,im really passed that stage,i should have been clear in opening post,it was what the xow did before affair started,and what shes continuing to do after almost a year since dday,it will be a year on june 7th

[gettingstronger]

Our OW also went nutty after dday, also paid her own way and also was the aggressor. I would characterize her as predatory, she is a serial cheater as well. This actually makes me feel worse rather than better about the affair. There were red flags every place and my husband chose to engage thus nearly guaranteeing this huge mess. It's something I often get upset about. He needed that ego boost and was so selfish that he put us on a collision course for this mess with not a second thought. He is remorseful now but that doesn't change what he did or who he chose. Ugh!

[snappytomcat]

Our OW also went nutty after dday, also paid her own way and also was the aggressor. I would characterize her as predatory, she is a serial cheater as well. This actually makes me feel worse rather than better about the affair. There were red flags every place and my husband chose to engage thus nearly guaranteeing this huge mess. It's something I often get upset about. He needed that ego boost and was so selfish that he put us on a collision course for this mess with not a second thought. He is remorseful now but that doesn't change what he did or who he chose. Ugh!

I get upset by it at times too,but I have accepted it,and trying to move on as best I can,it would be easier if she would go away,everytime she tries to contact me it really pisses me off

[Waverly]

Our OW also went nutty after dday, also paid her own way and also was the aggressor. I would characterize her as predatory, she is a serial cheater as well. This actually makes me feel worse rather than better about the affair. There were red flags every place and my husband chose to engage thus nearly guaranteeing this huge mess. It's something I often get upset about. He needed that ego boost and was so selfish that he put us on a collision course for this mess with not a second thought. He is remorseful now but that doesn't change what he did or who he chose. Ugh!

 

Not to veer off-topic here, but I'm genuinely curious. What kind of OW/OM would you feel better about your WS having chosen? I apologize if that sounds insensitive; obviously, the right choice would be for them never to have strayed in the first place. But I keep turning this around in my mind -- I get that the OW being kind of an aggressive nutjob is just one additional blow. But I feel like if she were someone with lots of good qualities (physical or otherwise), that would lead to its own set of problems and possible insecurities, right?

 

Again, I hope this isn't coming across wrong. I'm so sorry for everyone who is caught on ANY side of the A triangle, but send lots of additional good thoughts to anyone who has the added insult of an OW who persists with behavior that's totally out-of-line.

[Fluttershy]

Not to veer off-topic here, but I'm genuinely curious. What kind of OW/OM would you feel better about your WS having chosen? I apologize if that sounds insensitive; obviously, the right choice would be for them never to have strayed in the first place. But I keep turning this around in my mind -- I get that the OW being kind of an aggressive nutjob is just one additional blow. But I feel like if she were someone with lots of good qualities (physical or otherwise), that would lead to its own set of problems and possible insecurities, right?

 

Again, I hope this isn't coming across wrong. I'm so sorry for everyone who is caught on ANY side of the A triangle, but send lots of additional good thoughts to anyone who has the added insult of an OW who persists with behavior that's totally out-of-line.

 

Well, for myself I am glad she wasn't a bunny boiler and was done with it and never tried anything. I am aslo glad that she wasn't ugly or on the hunt for a new husband. I wish she had been apolegetic and showed a little humility. Or remorse or any sign she felt bad I was hurt by their actions.

 

But I get it and I can definetly say bunny boilers are not the kind of Ow any of us BW's want.

[snappytomcat]

Well, for myself I am glad she wasn't a bunny boiler and was done with it and never tried anything. I am aslo glad that she wasn't ugly or on the hunt for a new husband. I wish she had been apolegetic and showed a little humility. Or remorse or any sign she felt bad I was hurt by their actions.

 

But I get it and I can definetly say bunny boilers are not the kind of Ow any of us BW's want.

well said fluttershy,sadly I think the xow,in my situation is a bunny boiler,thats why im glad she lives cross country

[snappytomcat]

Not to veer off-topic here, but I'm genuinely curious. What kind of OW/OM would you feel better about your WS having chosen? I apologize if that sounds insensitive; obviously, the right choice would be for them never to have strayed in the first place. But I keep turning this around in my mind -- I get that the OW being kind of an aggressive nutjob is just one additional blow. But I feel like if she were someone with lots of good qualities (physical or otherwise), that would lead to its own set of problems and possible insecurities, right?

 

Again, I hope this isn't coming across wrong. I'm so sorry for everyone who is caught on ANY side of the A triangle, but send lots of additional good thoughts to anyone who has the added insult of an OW who persists with behavior that's totally out-of-line.

waverly I can give you my perspective on this,and you are right it would have been best if he never would have cheated,i cant say that enough,that being said

the xow my husband had an A with,was not attractive at all,obese 12 years older,very short hair(when my husbands always loved long)and believe me when I say it would have hurt even if the ow was attractive,but when dday hits,you go through so many emotions,that I for one never experienced,sadness,anger,self esteem drug into the ground,and all at the same time,but then to see what she looked like 2 days after dday,and I was already a basket case,i didn't even know myself,it was actually kind of scary,i thought this as*hole,risked it all for something that looked like her,it was to much to bear,i guess in my state of mind at the time,i thought at least if she was cute,she could have been a little bit worth it,im the total opposite,attractive,petite,lond dark hair,it felt like another twist of the knife.

now I don't think this way now,cause I know most affairs aren't about looks,and I know it wasn't about me,or the xow it was all about him.

nothing like a dday to make a semi normal person go looney,i was ashamed also,like what did I do,anyways that's how I felt

[fellini]

well said fluttershy,sadly I think the xow,in my situation is a bunny boiler,thats why im glad she lives cross country

 

I don't see how I'm going to prefer any scenario - except maybe a bunny boiler, then like Anne Archer I could have shot him in the chest claiming self defense... if I had a gun and if I had a bunny. Which I don't. I have a pot. I could have thrown hot water on him.

 

The point is, either my wife's AP was a stupid ugly out for laughs single man, which makes my marriage feel even more like sh-t because so much damage has been done for so little.

 

Or, as is the real case:

 

He was a single man who wanted very much to end my marriage and take her away. The only thing that stopped that was my discovering their affair got in the way and I still had a chance to pull my spouse out of the affair bubble.

 

Like pulling a family member out of a cult before they complete their brainwashing.

 

Had my WS spent another couple of weeks or month, I think we were done for. She had already compromised on the purpose and limits that she thought she had established on the A. The ony thing they hadn't done was spend a night together, but I believe that he was working on that very idea on the day I found out. He did manage to get his "I love you" in that day, eliminating that question in my WS's head. The only thing she had to do was to ask herself if it was reciprocal.

 

That night, when she finally admitted, she showed she was still unsure which way she was going to go.

 

So I'm stuck with a non-bunny boiler who is hovering around their place of work waiting to see if our marriage, like his own 3 years earlier, doesn't survive reconciliation so he can pounce again. Had he been a bunny boiler, my WS would have had serious problems thinking of him as a replacement H, and all those moments together would have been reinterpreted as her making a "bad choice" for a future. She has tried vainly to convince me that she now sees him as a bad person, as being completely fake and false, and manipulating and taking advantage of her weakness. I don't have much difficulty in reminding her that she chose him, not the other way round.

Edited May 3, 2014 by fellini

[snappytomcat]

not to change the topic,but my husband has surprised me this morning with a long weekend get away to the mountains,my favorite place,he wanted to me to relax,and have a good time,cause the last 2 weeks especially have been hard

[WasOtherWoman]

not to change the topic,but my husband has surprised me this morning with a long weekend get away to the mountains,my favorite place,he wanted to me to relax,and have a good time,cause the last 2 weeks especially have been hard

 

THAT is a nice change of topic. Enjoy!!!

[snappytomcat]

THAT is a nice change of topic. Enjoy!!!

thank you very much

[goodyblue]

Predatory? SMH.

[Fluttershy]

Predatory? SMH.

 

They exsist, goody. Not all AP are sweet little saintly angels like you. Some women are on the prowl looking for someone to sink their teeth in and enjoy. So if they are on the hunt that makes them a predator. I know a woman who only goes after married men. She doesn't have too many friends and she is qute predatory. Does that mean the men are victims? Nope, they are weak mindless fools or predators themselves. But it doesn't matter how willing her prey is. She is still a predator and accountable for her choices in life.

[janedoe67]

I would say anyone who KNOWINGLY pursues a married person is at least a bit predatory....especially if v there are kids in the marriage.

[WasOtherWoman]

I would say anyone who KNOWINGLY pursues a married person is at least a bit predatory....especially if v there are kids in the marriage.

 

Sadly, this is one of the things I used to excuse my own behavior, one of his kids was long out of the house and the other soon to be. I definitely would not have pursued him had he had younger kids.