suckerpunch55 Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 I am trying to tell myself that the OM was the predator and not my wife if only for my sake. But there are 2 sides to the affair even if one was the predator and the other the 'prey', by no means does it excuse anyone though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Sorry it took so long to get back to you Waverly, we were in Vegas for a much needed get away! To answer the question on "what type" of OW I would have preferred (and no you didn't offend, its a valid question) of course the short answer is none at all, I would have preferred he honored his vows to me but since he did not- quite bluntly-one that knew her place-one that was more honest with herself-the "rules" were quite clear and she pretended to follow them all the while stalking my FB page, trying to manipulate the situation and then went nuts for going on 15 months now that it ended exactly as he said it would- I have zero fear of competition-I would have been fine if she acted fine and he preferred her over me, sure I would be hurt but I have no interest in being married to someone that doesn't want to be married to me- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) I'm just going to say that we are all adults. I really have a hard time reading that OM/OW are 'predators'. I have read these forums for a long, long time. What I see is (mostly) OW/OM who have been told they are a much better partner than the BS. What does this say? Of course there are those 'rare' cases where the OM/OW is the aggressor, but I still wouldn't call them a predator. For me, this just sounds like you need to justify things in order to move forward. This just feels like you (generally) need to blame someone. And if you plan to stay with that man who cheated, great, fine. good. You don't want it being their failures that caused them to find someone else'. Edited May 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 This just feels like you (generally) need to blame someone. And if you plan to stay with that man who cheated' date=' great, fine. good. You don't want it being their failures that caused them to find someone else'.[/quote'] so what are you saying?the bs causes one to cheat,hell to the no I don't think so,no one causes someone to cheat,thats all on them.and yes the ow in my situation Is a predator,cause of what shes continuing to do,i don't care if you don't like that word or not. what do think I should call her?she continues to harass threaten,call what should that be called,and again this isn't about why im staying with a cheater,some of you can get that point through your head,this is about an ow,that has shown predatory traits 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) so what are you saying?the bs causes one to cheat,hell to the no I don't think so,no one causes someone to cheat,thats all on them.and yes the ow in my situation Is a predator,cause of what shes continuing to do,i don't care if you don't like that word or not. what do think I should call her?she continues to harass threaten,call what should that be called,and again this isn't about why im staying with a cheater,some of you can get that point through your head,this is about an ow,that has shown predatory traits Um. From what you've described? I'd call the WS a predator. The WS preyed on you, letting you think all was well, and preyed on the OW, letting them think everything was a disaster, ooh poor me, my wife(husband) is so horrible, I neeeeed you. Face it, most of the time, the WS is the one that preys on all. They stay with you for a myriad of reasons. I won't even go into them. Fact is, what they say to OW is MUCH different from what they say to BS. That makes them using the situation to garner them favor. PREDATORS. Of course I don't think the BS is a predator! I think they are a victim. I'm sorry I hit a nerve with you. Edited May 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Did some minor cleanup and merged a couple posts. I'll remind members to remain focused on the concept/assertion that some/all other men/woman can be or are 'predators'. This is a specific discussion topic and our guideline of refraining from bringing the content of other threads into this one pertains. Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 Um. From what you've described? I'd call the WS a predator. The WS preyed on you, letting you think all was well, and preyed on the OW, letting them think everything was a disaster, ooh poor me, my wife(husband) is so horrible, I neeeeed you. Face it, most of the time, the WS is the one that preys on all. They stay with you for a myriad of reasons. I won't even go into them. Fact is, what they say to OW is MUCH different from what they say to BS. That makes them using the situation to garner them favor. PREDATORS. Of course I don't think the BS is a predator! I think they are a victim. I'm sorry I hit a nerve with you. nope didt hit a nerve with me,i do think the word predatory hit a nerve with you though. cause this has nothing to do with what a ws says to a bs or ow it has to do with ow having predator traits,and if you read from the start im not saying all ow are like this and I also said I know some mm are predatory also 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I think there's a difference in saying someone is being predatory and calling someone a predator. I think the topic is valid and twisting it to are ows predators is missing the point. I do believe our ow did and does exhibit predatory behaviors but do I believe she's a predator, probably not. Does any of it excuse my hubands choices, no way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 I think there's a difference in saying someone is being predatory and calling someone a predator. I think the topic is valid and twisting it to are ows predators is missing the point. I do believe our ow did and does exhibit predatory behaviors but do I believe she's a predator, probably not. Does any of it excuse my hubands choices, no way. yes gettingstronger some ow are twisting it around like I said in original post I don't believe most ow/om are predatory,and I also said I believe mm/mw can also be very predatory yes the ow in my situation is very predatory,from what she continues to do,and I don't think most ow,care to read what she continues to do 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Personaly i think people can be too sensitive to the actual relaying of what happened and the description of the people involved. For instance a BS who denies their WS sex is a fact if that happened. It isn't saying the WS is off the hook it is just part of the story. Saying the AP instigated or was predatory if thay ideed happened isn't letting the WS off the hook it is just saying it like it happened. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Yes, I think it's hard for people to imagine what it's like to be harassed for a long period of time unless it's happened to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 yes gettingstronger some ow are twisting it around like I said in original post I don't believe most ow/om are predatory,and I also said I believe mm/mw can also be very predatory yes the ow in my situation is very predatory,from what she continues to do,and I don't think most ow,care to read what she continues to do I'm sorry snappy but it was your husband that brought this woman who is now terrorising you all into your life's! You can say x y z about ow in general but your husband is 100% to blame for involving her in your marriage ... He could have said no. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) So wait, just because someone chooses to have an affair the other person involved can do as they please once it's over? While I agree my husband brought her in to my life , she owns the craziness she inflicts on us months and months after the fact. FTR the law agrees, she has zero right to harass us. Does the same logic apply to abused women? They brought the abuser in to their own life? We all are responsible for our own behaviors. Edited May 5, 2014 by gettingstronger 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 I'm sorry snappy but it was your husband that brought this woman who is now terrorising you all into your life's! You can say x y z about ow in general but your husband is 100% to blame for involving her in your marriage ... He could have said no. this is the most ridiculous thing ive read here in a while,so your saying I deserve to be harassed,and threatened cause my husband decided to cheat,WOW JUST WOW I hope this isn't what you did to the bs,if your excusing this xows behavior,she should be harassing my husband not me,i had nothing to do with it,AND AGAIN im not saying hes not 100% not to blame it takes 2 to tango,that isn't what this thread was about,i never said he wasn't to blame 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 So wait, just because someone chooses to have an affair the other person involved can do as they please once it's over? While I agree my husband brought her in to my life , she owns the craziness she inflicts on us months and months after the fact. FTR the law agrees, she has zero right to harass us. Does the same logic apply to abused women? They brought the abuser in to their own life? We all are responsible for our own behaviors. I never said that so don't put words in my mouth. I said her husband is to blame for bringing this "predator" into their lives if he didn't succumb to her advances (if, and that's a big IF she was the aggressor) hes the one who went with the "crazy" woman affterall. Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 this is the most ridiculous thing ive read here in a while,so your saying I deserve to be harassed,and threatened cause my husband decided to cheat,WOW JUST WOW I hope this isn't what you did to the bs,if your excusing this xows behavior,she should be harassing my husband not me,i had nothing to do with it,AND AGAIN im not saying hes not 100% not to blame it takes 2 to tango,that isn't what this thread was about,i never said he wasn't to blame Again another BS trying to put words into my mouth not once did I say you deserved this but I think you are wrong your husband IS 100% to blame he could have no said no, just as I am 100% to blame for destroying my own marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I think some people misconstrue placing any sort of blame on the AP/OW/OM as completely absolving the WS. It's just not the case. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snappytomcat Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 Again another BS trying to put words into my mouth not once did I say you deserved this but I think you are wrong your husband IS 100% to blame he could have no said no, just as I am 100% to blame for destroying my own marriage. please show me where is said anywhere that he wasn't to blame,that he was 100% wrong,wrong,wrong,i cant say enough how wrong he was,and so was she,so please show where I said he wasn't to blame 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I also never read where anyone was letting the WS off the hook. I am trying to figure out the point of some of these posts. Clarification please? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 As the behaviors described appear to be stalking in type and execution, perhaps this article in Psychology Today could lend some insight to where the boundary between stalking and predatory behaviors exists. The Predatory Stalker | Psychology Today I found a lot of citations in more clinical texts but they trend to the tl:dr arena. My basic takeaway is that one strong determiner of a predator is that their behavioral set is consistent and pervasive, not unlike the lion in the wild consistently and repetitively killing to eat. As applicable, perhaps the OP can determine if this behavioral set is consistent and has been directed to others. If such a connection can be established, or if the person has received judicial sanction for actions towards others in the past, then stronger measures of control/response can be sought and with greater success. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I'm going to have to say both of them were predators looking for the very same thing, an escape. MOW was in an abusive M and my fWH played KISA since I didn't need his help. Later my H told me that the fact that I have never "needed" him was a huge factor in his cheating. He knows this is his own skewed perception though because I have been that way since we've met. Something he has always looked up to in me, but when MOW came along he liked that he felt "needed." My fWH thought I didn't pay enough attention, it was not as much as MOW could provide him with because they worked all day together. I had to take care of two kids and did not get help from fWH. Really I was being neglected at the time while he was out playing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I'm going to have to say both of them were predators looking for the very same thing, an escape. MOW was in an abusive M and my fWH played KISA since I didn't need his help. Later my H told me that the fact that I have never "needed" him was a huge factor in his cheating. He knows this is his own skewed perception though because I have been that way since we've met. Something he has always looked up to in me, but when MOW came along he liked that he felt "needed." My fWH thought I didn't pay enough attention, it was not as much as MOW could provide him with because they worked all day together. I had to take care of two kids and did not get help from fWH. Really I was being neglected at the time while he was out playing Very interesting. The personality trait that my WH always said that he admired about me was the fact that I was very independent - not the least bit needy or clingy. I was never one for needing to be "rescued" or needing to have my ego stroked. My WH hated the "damsel in distress" type. Imagine my surprise when he hooked up with an OW who was very needy and looking for a KISA. Imagine my greater surprise when he said that he was drawn to her "always needing him, day and night". As for the predator title? She was just dumped by her partner and was definitely on the prowl (hand on his lap, stroking his leg) from the day they first met - BUT, he allowed it. That is 100% on him. After d-day, she was definitely a stalker. Funny how he didn't find her neediness so endearing after d-day. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 this is the most ridiculous thing ive read here in a while,so your saying I deserve to be harassed,and threatened cause my husband decided to cheat,WOW JUST WOW I hope this isn't what you did to the bs,if your excusing this xows behavior,she should be harassing my husband not me,i had nothing to do with it,AND AGAIN im not saying hes not 100% not to blame it takes 2 to tango,that isn't what this thread was about,i never said he wasn't to blame I'd be more for looking into why your 'husband' was looking for 'crazy'. I was definitely NOT a crazy OW. And I spent a lot of my time wondering why he dealt with his crazy 'wife', who is now his crazy 'ex'. I guess it all depends on the perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Again another BS trying to put words into my mouth not once did I say you deserved this but I think you are wrong your husband IS 100% to blame he could have no said no, just as I am 100% to blame for destroying my own marriage. Her H is reponsible for his part in the affair, but he is not responsible for the crazy behavior of a whacked-out adult OW. The OW is 100% responsible for her crazy behavior. If the OW was pissed at the H, she should have directed her vengence towards him, NOT his wife and children. Stalking and harrassing the BS and the children is NUTS and is completely inexcusable. I am happy in my case that the police and courts agreed. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Her H is reponsible for his part in the affair, but he is not responsible for the crazy behavior of a whacked-out adult OW. The OW is 100% responsible for her crazy behavior. If the OW was pissed at the H, she should have directed her vengence towards him, NOT his wife and children. Stalking and harrassing the BS and the children is NUTS and is completely inexcusable. I am happy in my case that the police and courts agreed. Agreed. Ten Characters Link to post Share on other sites
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