The predatory OW/OM? [update]

[snappytomcat]

for starters I cant say enough,i don't know how many times I can say before I go crazy,my husband is 100% to blame,i know he know this,now you all know this.

so just got back from local sheriff office,the one sheriff ive been dealing with this issue,also believes shes a predator too,and hes happy she lives across country,anyways he couldn't tell me much,but shes done this before,back in the 80s.

I got a creepy mothers day card from her,cant say what was inside,but its very horrible,and why she would send me a mothers day card is beyond creepy,scary I don't know,i don't scare very easily,as I work with aggressive dogs,and most bigger than me.

so we have filed another formal complaint,were he actually spoke to a law enforcement officer in her state,hopefully an officer actually going and talking to her will make her stop.

I stopped by post office,and had my mail cancelled coming to my house,i got a p.o box and not in my name.

I was going to send card back and put on it return to sender,but of course she didn't put her address on it.

[KaliLove]

Yuck..I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I don't understand the mentality behind this behavior. What does this woman think she will gain from doing this? Does she think this will turn your husband on? Make him want to leave you for her? What is she doing?

[snappytomcat]

Yuck..I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I don't understand the mentality behind this behavior. What does this woman think she will gain from doing this? Does she think this will turn your husband on? Make him want to leave you for her? What is she doing?

kali,i wish I knew what she wanted,it might be because next month is first anniversary of dday.

maybe she wants me to get so pissed,and tired of her crap,i will kick him to the curb,and she can swoop in,im at a loss

im exhausted emotionally over her crap

[Raena]

I'm going to have to say both of them were predators looking for the very same thing, an escape. MOW was in an abusive M and my fWH played KISA since I didn't need his help. Later my H told me that the fact that I have never "needed" him was a huge factor in his cheating. He knows this is his own skewed perception though because I have been that way since we've met. Something he has always looked up to in me, but when MOW came along he liked that he felt "needed." My fWH thought I didn't pay enough attention, it was not as much as MOW could provide him with because they worked all day together. I had to take care of two kids and did not get help from fWH. Really I was being neglected at the time while he was out playing

 

I'm going to add my two cents here too and say that your situation almost exactly describes my situation as well. My ex too always said that he loved my independence and that I didn't "need" him. He described his ex-wife as being a doormat and that she relied on him too much and he didn't like it. But yet he cheated on me with yet another "doormat" who needs him... he had to come to the rescue and "save" her, complained that I didn't pay him enough attention but what was really happening was that he was never home and never helped with our son and left me to take care of everything... you know... because I didn't NEED him. His OW NEEDED him.

 

Was she a predator? I don't know... I don't know who started it between the two of them. I do know that her behavior afterwards was and still is "stalker"ish but I wouldn't describe it as predatory. I'd more or less describe her as needy, naive and insecure.

 

Are there predatory men and women out there who blatantly go after married folks with the intent to break up their marriage and get what they want? Yes, absolutely there are. Some people just have no shame and want what they want regardless of how it affects anyone else.

[QuakerOats]

this is the most ridiculous thing ive read here in a while,so your saying I deserve to be harassed,and threatened cause my husband decided to cheat,WOW JUST WOW

I hope this isn't what you did to the bs,if your excusing this xows behavior,she should be harassing my husband not me,i had nothing to do with it,AND AGAIN im not saying hes not 100% not to blame it takes 2 to tango,that isn't what this thread was about,i never said he wasn't to blame

 

 

How is it ridiculous? If a man were to act seductively towards you...buy you stuff or offer to, offer to maybe buy you a computer or a car...would you feel compelled to have sex with him? Or, would you recall that vow that you took and just say NO to all advances? It really is that simple at the root. Yes, it gets very complicated, but it all starts with saying YES instead of NO, doesn't it?

[notserene]

Very interesting. The personality trait that my WH always said that he admired about me was the fact that I was very independent - not the least bit needy or clingy. I was never one for needing to be "rescued" or needing to have my ego stroked. My WH hated the "damsel in distress" type.

 

Imagine my surprise when he hooked up with an OW who was very needy and looking for a KISA. Imagine my greater surprise when he said that he was drawn to her "always needing him, day and night".

As for the predator title? She was just dumped by her partner and was definitely on the prowl (hand on his lap, stroking his leg) from the day they first met - BUT, he allowed it. That is 100% on him. After d-day, she was definitely a stalker. Funny how he didn't find her neediness so cause after d-day.

 

I was in a similar situation. the OW had just broken up with her boyfriend and WH says he thinks she was trying to make her ex jealous. Then...she started to get attached to my husband and didn't want to share him with anyone else. UM...hello?!?

 

someone was not in touch with reality. when my H ended it all hell broke loose, but luckily she has stopped.

 

I do blame my H for picking this loose cannon. I really think it's an ego thing because this obsessiveness can initially be very flattering.

[snappytomcat]

How is it ridiculous? If a man were to act seductively towards you...buy you stuff or offer to, offer to maybe buy you a computer or a car...would you feel compelled to have sex with him? Or, would you recall that vow that you took and just say NO to all advances? It really is that simple at the root. Yes, it gets very complicated, but it all starts with saying YES instead of NO, doesn't it?

what does this have to do with anything?i know your an ow or xow,so you have no compassion for what im going through,or any bs for that matter,so I would appreciate you not respond to this thread again,and im not answering any of your questions,BECAUSE ILL SAY AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT THIS THREAD IS ABOUT,have you read the whole thing?or do you believe im picking on ow?cause that's not the case ive always defended ows for the most part

[QuakerOats]

what does this have to do with anything?i know your an ow or xow,so you have no compassion for what im going through,or any bs for that matter,so I would appreciate you not respond to this thread again,and im not answering any of your questions,BECAUSE ILL SAY AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT THIS THREAD IS ABOUT,have you read the whole thing?or do you believe im picking on ow?cause that's not the case ive always defended ows for the most part

 

 

First off, calm down. Secondly, yes...I've participated in this thread. You are incorrect about my feelings about BS's. "Just because you are an OW" doesn't mean you don't have compassion...go ahead...read my posts. Yes, I am aware that this thread is about "Predatory OW,"...however, it has strayed to the topic of fault, and you were participating in that diversion...so I just wanted to point out the OBVIOUS. Your H could have saved ALL of you all this chaos by simply saying NO from the start. Right? You'd say the same to me...You should have asked to see that divorce decree and said NO from the start so you'd not end up heart broken and pathetic, right? Your OW's heartbreak or mental health issues seem to be what drive her "stalkiness," however you need to go back and remember that your H CHOSE to indulge her "offers" and that is what put you ALL where you are. Am I wrong? Had he said NO WAY, I'm married, and then told you about the insane OW who was hitting on him...none of this would have happened. Right? So, you can thank your H for the start of this, you can thank the OW and her own issues for the rest of it. But, don't forget who was the catalyst. It wasn't a free computer...it was a MARRIED MAN.

[QuakerOats]

what does this have to do with anything?i know your an ow or xow,so you have no compassion for what im going through,or any bs for that matter,so I would appreciate you not respond to this thread again,and im not answering any of your questions,BECAUSE ILL SAY AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT THIS THREAD IS ABOUT,have you read the whole thing?or do you believe im picking on ow?cause that's not the case ive always defended ows for the most part

 

 

And btw, don't think you can pick and choose who responds to your thread on a public forum. Sorry you aren't only getting people who tell you that wicked crazy OW messed up your marriage and your innocently violated H had nothing to do with it. Perhaps another website?

[sweet_pea]

Sending you hugs, Snappy. I know it's rough dealing with this, I'm so sorry she's threatened/harrassing you & your family! I hope this will be resolved ASAP and she stops the craziness.

[snappytomcat]

First off, calm down. Secondly, yes...I've participated in this thread. You are incorrect about my feelings about BS's. "Just because you are an OW" doesn't mean you don't have compassion...go ahead...read my posts. Yes, I am aware that this thread is about "Predatory OW,"...however, it has strayed to the topic of fault, and you were participating in that diversion...so I just wanted to point out the OBVIOUS. Your H could have saved ALL of you all this chaos by simply saying NO from the start. Right? You'd say the same to me...You should have asked to see that divorce decree and said NO from the start so you'd not end up heart broken and pathetic, right? Your OW's heartbreak or mental health issues seem to be what drive her "stalkiness," however you need to go back and remember that your H CHOSE to indulge her "offers" and that is what put you ALL where you are. Am I wrong? Had he said NO WAY, I'm married, and then told you about the insane OW who was hitting on him...none of this would have happened. Right? So, you can thank your H for the start of this, you can thank the OW and her own issues for the rest of it. But, don't forget who was the catalyst. It wasn't a free computer...it was a MARRIED MAN.

well I never said any of that to you,so don't put words in my mouth,and you know nothing about me or my husband,so stop asking me,and I fuc*ing already know hes at fault are you thick headed or what,i know hes at faultand iam calm just people who cant seem to get things through their thick skull frustrate me

again this is about the xow,and the way shes acting not about what my husband did,ive talked about that a lot on other threads

[Red123]

First off, calm down. Secondly, yes...I've participated in this thread. You are incorrect about my feelings about BS's. "Just because you are an OW" doesn't mean you don't have compassion...go ahead...read my posts. Yes, I am aware that this thread is about "Predatory OW,"...however, it has strayed to the topic of fault, and you were participating in that diversion...so I just wanted to point out the OBVIOUS. Your H could have saved ALL of you all this chaos by simply saying NO from the start. Right? You'd say the same to me...You should have asked to see that divorce decree and said NO from the start so you'd not end up heart broken and pathetic, right? Your OW's heartbreak or mental health issues seem to be what drive her "stalkiness," however you need to go back and remember that your H CHOSE to indulge her "offers" and that is what put you ALL where you are. Am I wrong? Had he said NO WAY, I'm married, and then told you about the insane OW who was hitting on him...none of this would have happened. Right? So, you can thank your H for the start of this, you can thank the OW and her own issues for the rest of it. But, don't forget who was the catalyst. It wasn't a free computer...it was a MARRIED MAN.

 

Yes her H really screwed up and should have never engaged in his A but he did and now she and her children are suffering with the consequences. This thread is about how this OW is still harassing her long after the A has ended and her H has told the OW to go away. She is entitled to post about how this woman is tormenting her family and recieve some support for it not a debate about whether it not her H did something wrong. He did and she knows it. Please show some compassion. If you don't agree with her thoughts on the OW that's fine but you don't have to debate with her. When you were an OW and posting about your pain did she post on your thread about how wrong you were for the A? Please give her a break. She is not attacking all OWs just the crazy one she is dealing with.

[Furious]

Most WS's don't envision their former affair partner becoming unhinged and creating frightening consequences that involve the police.

 

It's obvious most WS's who end up with an ex-affair partner who acts irrationally toward their spouse and children are kicking themselves for ever getting involved with that person.

 

Affairs are risky business, affairs are often times invitations to tragic consequences.

 

I'm sorry STC that you're going through this awful and stressful and frightening situation.

 

Keep strong and keep safe. Continue being proactive in ensuring your safety and your family's safety.

[goodyblue]

I just find it pathetic that MM find these OW who make them feel like men, feed their ego, love them, etc. And the second they are found out, it's all about how they are 'craaayyyzeee". Come on. We all know this is rare. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, because I know it does, but it doesn't happen EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

 

AND... your boy did bring it into your life. People who are nutbags are generally nutbags to begin with. Even Glen Close showed her colors early in the film... Jesus.

[KaliLove]

How is it ridiculous? If a man were to act seductively towards you...buy you stuff or offer to, offer to maybe buy you a computer or a car...would you feel compelled to have sex with him? Or, would you recall that vow that you took and just say NO to all advances? It really is that simple at the root. Yes, it gets very complicated, but it all starts with saying YES instead of NO, doesn't it?

 

OWs can say no too..it takes two to have an affair. I have never once seen Snappy place all of the blame on the OW.

 

It sounds like you're feeling either bitter or guilty and that you're taking it out on Snappy. She doesn't deserve your ire and she is, in general, pretty kind to OWs.

 

It doesn't need to be OWs vs BSs here. We're all people and most of us came here because we are hurting. We can disagree with each other and still be supportive.

[snappytomcat]

I just find it pathetic that MM find these OW who make them feel like men, feed their ego, love them, etc. And the second they are found out, it's all about how they are 'craaayyyzeee". Come on. We all know this is rare. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, because I know it does, but it doesn't happen EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

 

AND... your boy did bring it into your life. People who are nutbags are generally nutbags to begin with. Even Glen Close showed her colors early in the film... Jesus.

well guess what its happening to me,yes I know its rare,but it happens just like you said

[KaliLove]

well guess what its happening to me,yes I know its rare,but it happens just like you said

 

Happened to me too.

[Raena]

I just find it pathetic that MM find these OW who make them feel like men, feed their ego, love them, etc. And the second they are found out, it's all about how they are 'craaayyyzeee". Come on. We all know this is rare. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, because I know it does, but it doesn't happen EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

 

AND... your boy did bring it into your life. People who are nutbags are generally nutbags to begin with. Even Glen Close showed her colors early in the film... Jesus.

 

No it doesn't happen every single time... but it happened to the OP... it happened to me and it's happened to a few other people that I know of who have posted about it on here.

 

The fact of the matter is... yes there ARE crazy people out there who go completely nuts after being turned down. It happens even when it wasn't an affair situation and they don't always act "crazy" beforehand. In my case, the OW is still acting like a crazy nutbag even though she got her prize. Some people just have seriously flawed thinking, period.

 

But what exactly does any of that have to do with the concept of whether or not there are people out there who "prey" on those who are in a vulnerable position in their marriage... people who behave in a predatory manner? Those who deliberately set out to destroy a marriage to get what they want?

[goodyblue]

well guess what its happening to me,yes I know its rare,but it happens just like you said

 

The question you must ask yourself is why??? Has it something to do with your guy? His promises? THINK.

[Red123]

The question you must ask yourself is why??? Has it something to do with your guy? His promises? THINK.

 

It may. But let's remember that many OWs on this forum have had many promises made to them that never happened and they don't stalk, threaten children or continue to harass long after the A is over. This woman obviously has issues that go beyond this A and her H.

[sweet_pea]

The question you must ask yourself is why??? Has it something to do with your guy? His promises? THINK.

 

Why? It seems like it's because her xOW doesn't have very good coping skills and is acting completely out of line because the affair ended and she didn't get her way. Sorry, whether he promised her this or that, she has no right to harrass and stalk Snappy & her family. Absolutely ridiculous.

[snappytomcat]

The question you must ask yourself is why??? Has it something to do with your guy? His promises? THINK.

I don't have to THINK,cause like I keep saying im saying it so much im going crazy,this has nothing to do with what my husband did or didn't say or do,its how she acting now,threatening me and my kids

goodyblue do you have kids?if so what would you do in this situation?im curious

[QuakerOats]

well I never said any of that to you,so don't put words in my mouth,and you know nothing about me or my husband,so stop asking me,and I fuc*ing already know hes at fault are you thick headed or what,i know hes at faultand iam calm just people who cant seem to get things through their thick skull frustrate me

again this is about the xow,and the way shes acting not about what my husband did,ive talked about that a lot on other threads

 

 

You say this is about the OW and not your H? And you cannot see there is some connection there? Seriously? Wow.

[QuakerOats]

Yes her H really screwed up and should have never engaged in his A but he did and now she and her children are suffering with the consequences. This thread is about how this OW is still harassing her long after the A has ended and her H has told the OW to go away. She is entitled to post about how this woman is tormenting her family and recieve some support for it not a debate about whether it not her H did something wrong. He did and she knows it. Please show some compassion. If you don't agree with her thoughts on the OW that's fine but you don't have to debate with her. When you were an OW and posting about your pain did she post on your thread about how wrong you were for the A? Please give her a break. She is not attacking all OWs just the crazy one she is dealing with.

 

 

yes, right. And the BS's seem to think that a BS suffering a mental break down and harassing the OW (who may have NO clue she is even an OW thanks the the genius husband) is just A-OK. There have been plenty of threads about BS's extracting their revenge...but that is reasonable. Why do I think that many of the OW stalking stories are blown out of proportion just a tad? Perhaps a few too many people have watched Fatal Attraction? Again...bottom line is who put his penis where it didn't belong?

[QuakerOats]

It may. But let's remember that many OWs on this forum have had many promises made to them that never happened and they don't stalk, threaten children or continue to harass long after the A is over. This woman obviously has issues that go beyond this A and her H.

 

 

And I'm guessing from the OP's very unflattering description of the OW that the H could have surmised BEFOREHAND that she wasn't operating with a full deck. But that didn't matter when he wanted to get laid. It only matters when she becomes a nuisance because he is "done" with her and wants to play house again.