my story/heartbroken

[Lucygolds]

I will try to keep this short. A few years ago I met a man at the gym. He is a firefighter. We would always say hi and smile....make some small talk. Slowly we started talking more. Then he disappeared for months. When he came back he had said he has shoulder surgery. I realized I was nervous seeing him again because there had seemed to be a spark between us before and since we are both married.......not good. Well, slowly over the next several months we again started talking more and more then it progressed to us standing in the parking lot talking for 30 minutes. Lots of eye contact and smiles.....I saw him and his family at the local farmers market one day and he got so nervous introducing me to his wife and I could tell she hated me the instant he started to speak to me; keep in mind nothing had happened between us at this time. He later told me that she did not like me from that moment. Yet he still continued to seek me out at the gym. We became facebook friends and would occasionally messages one another about the gym; still nothing had happened. His wife then saw our message one day and that is when he told me he wanted to give me his work email since she did not look at that and he asked me to please email him. He said he really wanted to be a part of my life no matter how small. Even if it was just emails and working out. It quickly turned into a relationship. He asked me almost immediately to be his girlfriend. ....told me he did not want this to be just sex. He wanted to be whatever I needed. We tried to be very careful. We did not want to jeopardize our marriages or families. We agreed that the only thing that would tear us apart would us being found out and forced apart. We only emailed and met at the gym a few times a week. People definitely took notice of us there. Some people even thought we were married. We got together for sex when we could but, sometimes would have to wait 2 or 3 weeks because of the situation. We never left our families for each other. We fit this all in m-f 8-5. We did not to lose what we had. We had confessed how afarid we were of the relationship and how real it had gotten so fast. We danced around the "l" word so much. Recently, he said in an email that he loved every bit of me and I responded in kind. Sunday night I got an email from him asking to call him right away. It was a reply from an email on Friday. I was very suspicious and did not call. We had never called and if it was him I thought there would be more of an explanation. Shortly, after I got a Facebook message from his wife saying to stay away from him or she would tell my husband and destroy me. I did not respond. I did not know what she saw or how much she knew. So I then told my husband about he message and told him yes he is a friend from the gym and yes we had gotten to close but that was it. The next morning, I got an email from him saying he got caught because he forgot to delete our emails from Friday. That he tried to tell his wife it was only flirting that got out of hand; the emails she saw were not dirty only calling eachother baby and sharing our day and making plans to meet at the gym....he had also said he really needed some us time. Anyway, he said she assumed the worst and did not believe him. He said this is it and that he was sorry for dragging me into this and compromising both our marriages. He said he would start going to the gym at a different time so we did not run into eachother. He then said goodbye and to please not respond to the message. Anyway, I had no delusions that we would leave our spouses for one another. I can't say I never imagined it but I knew neither one of us would destroy our families if we could help it. It has only been a few days and I am so heartbroken. I did love him and I am sure he loved me. I know our relationship was kind of fantasy. We never fought and always had a wonderful time together. We were both very understanding of the time restraints on us. It was hard and as our feelings grew it only got harder. Since he had recently said he loved me; once in an email, I had been thinking it was time to have another "what are we doing?" Conversation but, this happened first. I do not plan to try to contact him.....we both had said we would walk away gracefully. I am afraid I will see him at the gym, although he does have another gym membership through the fire department and I think he is going there for the time being. And, the gym I used to love now feels like hell to me. My husband and I seem to be okay and I think we will recover. I feel so sad.....I wonder how he is and if he can fix his marriage. I wonder if he misses me and is hurting like I am. I am frustrated that this all happened so fast and I did not get to say goodbye. I hate that his goodbye seemed so generic, but I also realize that his wife would most likely be reading it and that is the reason he asked me not to reply. I am very sure his wife is watching him like a hawk so I am pretty sure he will not try to run into me at the gym for a long time. I wonder if I will ever see him again and if he will even say hello or ignore me. All I want is for to be happy and to move on from this hurt. I never want to do this again. I am afraid if he did ever did come back I might not be able to say no. I also afarid he won't ever try to come back. The actual relationship was just under six months but the build up had been m onthes maybe even a year. I wonder if he hates or resents me at all. I also wonder if he forgot to delete on purpose. If it was getting to scary and he knew the only way he could stop would be to get caught. He told me I consumed his thoughts day and night and not just sex. We were so compatible on every level especially sex. We were both so giving.....we had done things we never did with our spouses. I have to wonder if it was all bull**** to keep me around but why would he invest so much time and kindness if he just wanted sex. Did he love me? Did he really feel the way he said he did. and if he did will he try to come back? I dont even think i would want him to. It hurts too much. I told him if it ever got to hard and he wanted to go back to his life that I would not make any issues and I never gave him reason to believe I would. I am so sad and confused right now.....I just want to feel better.

[Poppy's sister]

Oh poor you

Endings are so hard when it is abrupt. When we had dday, my ap asked for space, I gave it And he lasted 2 days.

What will you do if he comes back?

It will hurt for a long time.

My only advice To you is don't go back

Affairs are just too painful, whether you are in it, out of it or some how trying to hang on

[Ailsa1983]

I'm sorry your hurting right now.

 

I believe when things have calmed down at home he will get back in touch then you will go through the whole "can we really not have each other in our lives" the likelihood is that you will resume the affair but go underground.

 

It hurts I know it hurts infact it's probably the worst you have ever felt and you cannot fathom him being cut out your life, but please this is coming from someone who has been there when he contacts you tell him you can't continue, walk away now while you have the chance.

[Ruffian1]

Don't worry, he will let things cool for awhile and then contact you again, most likely will try to start A up again, only more careful next time.

[whichwayisup]

This is far from over. His wife isn't stupid, she knows there was more going on that it just being casual. She saw that connection when she met you and how nervous you two were, she isn't stupid. She will dig and push him, even possibly get records of his cell messages and texts. When she finds out the full truth, she will tell your husband, so my suggestion to you is, do tell your husband the full truth, that it was an affair with sex as well. If your H finds out with proof by her, it's going to be much harder for you to work on your marriage. If you come clean at least he'll respect you for telling him.

 

Please get tested for STD's, you don't know if you were his first affair, god forbid he gave you something and you could pass it along to your husband.

 

I hope you can let go of what you had with your exMM. Remember, it was an affair setting, in a bubble where everything was fun and intense, not based on real life or out in the open so keep what you felt in perspective. You didn't know him that well and he didn't know you that well.

[jellybean89]

so, my thoughts are.....

 

You sound like you think the wife is in the wrong here - as in "watching him like a hawk". What did you expect?

 

She obviously wants her marriage. She wants you out of her marriage. You and he had a Monday - Friday 8 am to 5 pm 'relationship'. I don't believe that is a relationship. You can't be his 'girlfriend'. He has a wife. You have a husband. You say

We were both so giving.....we had done things we never did with our spouses.

Really? what did you two not do with your spouses? You were not giving to your spouse during dating, courtship, engagement, early married years?

 

Marriage takes work -- each day. Instead of focusing on your marriage, you instead focused on a guy at the gym. If you want your marriage, you should figure out how to fix things -- starting with the truth to your spouse. He deserves to know you slept with another man. He deserves to know you shared things with another man that you say you never shared with him.

 

tell your husband and give him the opportunity to decide his own future. He needs be tested for STD's. He needs to have the FACTS.

 

I know you think it is "love" with the MM -- because you never fought and had all these in common things.... but you didn't KNOW him. You didn't live with him day in and day out. You only saw the "good" side of him. You don't have to deal with his anger, his stress, his moods. You don't have to deal with him not being good with money, not knowing how to pick up after himself. You don't know what its like to hang out with him and his family. You don't know the TRUE him...only what he could show you Monday through Friday from 8 am to 5 pm.

 

For all you know - he told his wife you pursued him, you followed him around the gym, you flirted with him, you "made him" have sex with you, etc. You do know that he didn't think enough to delete message (and who wants to live that way..constantly checking to make sure you didn't leave evidence) and you know he is staying married (for now..who knows if his wife kicks him to the curb later).

 

Figure out what led you to cheating on your spouse - to breaking your promise to your spouse - to disrespect him the way you did.

 

If you choose to focus on what the MM is doing, feeling, thinking, etc...it is time to realize you are not invested in your marriage and maybe its time to set your spouse free.

 

What changes are you going to make in your life so you don't end up having another affair or rekindling this affair once the "heat" dies down.

Edited May 2, 2014 by jellybean89

[Lucygolds]

I want to thank everyone for your kind words and advice. I do very much understand that the affair was wrong. I do not think his wife is wrong for watching him like a hawk. I understand that him and I are the ones to blame here. I was just stating that as a reason why he may not want or be able to reestablish contract. I am also well aware that he may have been lying to me and that our relationship was in a bubble and only seemed perfect. We had talked about the fact that there was so much we did not get to know or see of one another. As for him dropping me when he got caught, it is what we told eachother we would do. I would have very much done the same if it was me who got busted first. I am also know that his wife may still go to my husband. As far as I know she has no proof that it was of a sexual nature and ever left the gym. I know that she may fine evidence of that later on or he may confess the truth to her. I know this was wrong and it is very obvious that him and I have many issues in our marriages if this is what we did. As for my husband and I, yes we have have problems for years. I begged my husband to work on them with me, to save our marriage but he never saw an issue. I just did not clean enough or work hard enough or provide sex as much as he wanted. He was innocent. He also travels a lot for work. I am pretty sure he has had a one night stand or two in his time. Now I don't have solid proof but have found many things that bring questions and he always changes his story and gets angry when I ask questions. I realize that none of this justifies what I have done and we have a lot to work on here. I very much enjoyed my time with my exMM. I do truly hope if he does come back I am strong enough to say no but I am afarid. I am afraid his wife will decide to come after me and she would have every right. I am afraid my husband and I will never work out all our issues. I am really just trying to work out all the confusing feeling here. I am so sad that I did not have a chance to say goodbye or get closure with him and I know that it is likely I never will. I know that he may have lied and used me but I am hoping that I will always have a special place for him as he will for me. Since I may never speak to him again......I am just trying to get all my feelings out here. I wish I knew the truth, I wish I had some closure. It sucks and it hurts and I really do just want to move on and hope life turns out well for us both. I am afaird that as soon as I feel better he will pop back up........

[fellini]

You seem all over the map about fault, ownership, what is working, what isn't. Get ready because the sh-t is about to hit the fan real soon.

 

If your AP or the WS of your AP find themselves in this forum (specifically in the "infidelity" forum, you are going to have a sh-tstorm.

 

As soon as the story is told, by either of those two, they are going to hear two things that are not going to fair well for you:

1) Come clean about the entire affair

2) Call the BS of the OW, he deserves to know his wife is screwing another man.

 

I personally don't go for this "wreck another marriage" approach, but many people do. And this will allow the BS of your AP to blame-shift some of this off of her H and totally onto you. Happens a lot.

 

So you have a choice: risk this inevitable future, or try to minimise the damage to your marriage by finding a moment and a way to introduce this to your H.

 

I am totally hated in LS for being a BS who thinks that it is not necessary to disclose an affair to one's S. I have taken abuse from so many other BS's in here, but based on what you have said, for me, you need to

 

ACTUALLY END everything, your hopes and dreams for this guy,

Bring your husband on board.

 

My WS did not end her A before I found out. It would have helped us much more if she had. In her case, she could have taken it to the grave because I was never going to find out (it was with a single man, not a MOM.) But it didnt go that way, and I am furious that she didnt end it before I found out about it. It made me feel the only reason it ended is because I did find out.

 

Sort yourself out. All the issues you speak about as being problems in your marriage are cliches that lots of marriages can solve inside. You do not need to find their solution in another mans body.

 

 

 

I want to thank everyone for your kind words and advice. I do very much understand that the affair was wrong. I do not think his wife is wrong for watching him like a hawk. I understand that him and I are the ones to blame here. I was just stating that as a reason why he may not want or be able to reestablish contract. I am also well aware that he may have been lying to me and that our relationship was in a bubble and only seemed perfect. We had talked about the fact that there was so much we did not get to know or see of one another. As for him dropping me when he got caught, it is what we told eachother we would do. I would have very much done the same if it was me who got busted first. I am also know that his wife may still go to my husband. As far as I know she has no proof that it was of a sexual nature and ever left the gym. I know that she may fine evidence of that later on or he may confess the truth to her. I know this was wrong and it is very obvious that him and I have many issues in our marriages if this is what we did. As for my husband and I, yes we have have problems for years. I begged my husband to work on them with me, to save our marriage but he never saw an issue. I just did not clean enough or work hard enough or provide sex as much as he wanted. He was innocent. He also travels a lot for work. I am pretty sure he has had a one night stand or two in his time. Now I don't have solid proof but have found many things that bring questions and he always changes his story and gets angry when I ask questions. I realize that none of this justifies what I have done and we have a lot to work on here. I very much enjoyed my time with my exMM. I do truly hope if he does come back I am strong enough to say no but I am afarid. I am afraid his wife will decide to come after me and she would have every right. I am afraid my husband and I will never work out all our issues. I am really just trying to work out all the confusing feeling here. I am so sad that I did not have a chance to say goodbye or get closure with him and I know that it is likely I never will. I know that he may have lied and used me but I am hoping that I will always have a special place for him as he will for me. Since I may never speak to him again......I am just trying to get all my feelings out here. I wish I knew the truth, I wish I had some closure. It sucks and it hurts and I really do just want to move on and hope life turns out well for us both. I am afaird that as soon as I feel better he will pop back up........