a decision to loose everything or not

[complicateddecisions]

So I have a question.

 

Has anyone ever been in a position that if they get divorced they will have to take out a loan (1.5m) to pay your wife the value of the business you own to keep it. I am cash poor currently do to the college bills but the business value is strong. I have positions my entire life to own this company and saw that dream come true 10 years ago. If I stay married than financially I would have a really nice retirement at a young age of 60 and travel and enjoy the next 30 years if I live that long.

 

If I divorce to be with the ow. who is alot younger and wants to start a family with me. I will have to work until 75 to pay off the loan and then sell. Also income would be cut in half as my wife does not work and has only part time jobs over our marriage to raise the kids both of our choice.

 

My wife want us to fall in love again and she has tried everything to help this happen. She is getting frustrated cause it taking me longer to come along for the ride.

I know what I need to do even if my heart is not in it to make the marriage work. Or I can leave and be with the younger women who I love being with but this will financially ruin me and I don't have a lot of time to rebuild my finances for retirement years.

This is so much more about my life with the ups and downs but it the same with everyone.

[d0nnivain]

What do you want to do? It sounds like your W still wants to try. If you do too, the 1st thing that has to go is your OW.

 

 

How is the business being valued? My business value is tied to me. If I am gone the business looses a lot of it's value because it's tied up in good will centered on me. I am the brand, so to speak. Can you buy her out over time? You need a good forensic account to dissect these kinds of issues.

[carhill]

Besides staying married, what does your wife want? What's important to her? If your choice is to divorce, that's one of two questions to ask. The other is, if you had to pick one thing to come out of this process with, what would it be, as a non-negotiable item?

 

You might find this document to be of interest, relevant to your business:

 

http://www.aaml.org/sites/default/files/standards%20of%20value-financial.pdf

 

IMO, you don't have to work until 75, your business does. Right now it may seem like that is you, but it can change.

 

IMO, capture sound legal and accounting advice, crunch the numbers, talk to your wife and work out a plan of action.

 

How old are the kids?

[Poppygoodwill]

You have no idea what will happen down the road, either romantically or financially.

All we know is right now. Tomorrow is a mystery.

 

You could leave your wife for this OW who herself might turn around and dump you when she realizes you're not so interesting when you're not forbidden fruit.

 

You could leave and thereby incur huge debts, but be diagnosed with cancer next week and the debts won't matter anymore.

 

You could stay with your wife and get hit by a bus tomorrow, or lose all your money anyhow in economic downturn.

 

No matter what happens to you, you'll find a way to deal with it.

 

So no sense making decisions based on 'what ifs'

 

Can you be a good, respectful and devoted husband to your wife?

 

Or will you make her miserable by dragging her along in a half life, full of resentment and regret. Or worse, find yourself in another affair and continue to cause her pain that way.

 

What are you able to do now? What does your integrity tell you is the best road that will do the least damage to this person who has given you years of her life?

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Personally I think you are selfish. You act like your wife should just move on and receive no compensation whatsoever for the years she gave you.

 

You are lucky your wife even wants you after doing another woman. Because I would tell you to hit the bricks. She must have some low self esteem. I feel for her.

 

I say pay your wife and move on. Let your wife find a decent man who will love her and not cheat on her.

 

Nothing is free. You play and you gotta pay. You do realize your kids will likely resent you for what you have done. But I guess that doesn't matter because you are going to start a NEW family.

 

I sure hope the young thing is worth it. But I have my doubts. Karma can be one nasty SOB. The grass, in my experience, is never greener on the other side. Ever.

[complicateddecisions]

First Let me address Daisy

If I came across selfish, that is not my intent. In 10 years we both together can enjoy our lives and follow the plan we had with travel and enjoy the fruits of my labor. She has stood by myside mosttimes she was unhappy about about it but she did. She didn't help me built the business but she did raise the kids with some help from me. She deserves half of everything I have I will would never give her anyless than that no matter what a lawyer or judge said. I never wanted this to happen to me cause of all the effort and hard times we went through financially, (being married young and having children while waiting for the opportunity to get the family business while earning below average wage for my job) and emotional just to start over. I want to fall back in love with her and that would be the easiest for her and my grown children and my finances. I just walk around the house with an empty feeling. I don't want to feel that way. I am in counseling. Alot stems from a tragic event I was involved in last dec. I worked on. I prefer not to mention it cause it was a very public event. I know I will hurt a lot of people. I am a person that take care of people for a living and guides them. To be in this position that I am in which is to follow the path that was set for me since I was 18 (now 48)and do the right thing to just follow my heart which will cause pain for everyone. I know what I am doing is wrong. I just don't want to be sad anymore. It not fair to my wife or my family. But if I move on than that not fair either. My business will always be strong cause it in the death industry and you know what they say death and taxes.

[complicateddecisions]

Poppygoodwill,

Thankyou you make a lot of sense. I will never be in another affair. This was came out of the blue and it evolved from working long hours together and having a spouse that was always angry at me and the world. I even asked and help the ow get another job so we can move away from each other. It didn't happen as much as I thought it would. But my wife has recently shifted and changed her way. I applauded her every day I tell her. It not the excitement for me of the ow who is new and young. We do have a connection and I will miss her not more emotionally than sexually. I know that is bad too. I can be a good husband I was for a long time and can be again. I am a good dad. My business should always stay healthy along as we take care of it cause it in the death industry and it will only grow with the babyboom generation. I work in a public business so this would kill my rep which is half the battle in building a small buisness. I never wanted to be that guy who has a mid-life crises and does this to there family. But the pull is so strong.

[sameoldthing]

Hi,

 

I don't have much advice but I just wanted to wish you luck in whatever decision you make. It seems like you have tried and you sound like a good man. I know it probably seems horribly difficult but I'm certain the right decision will come to you. My own uncle and aunt had a long relationship, about 30 years ( he 58 and she 54). Both unhappy the last 10 years but unable to make a movement due to finances ( family business).

 

Not trying to justify his behaviour but eventually he too fell into a relationship with another lady who had been widowed several years back( in her 40s). It was really shocking for all involved especially my aunt but eventually people accepted it. It really hurt but eventually she realised that they had been REALLY unhappy for so many years. Finances do make everything worse. He has been fair to her financially and to be fair has tried to make up for how his truth was found. Naturally neither are as 'well off' as they were before but both my aunt and uncle seem much happier. It's been 2 years since, and she's busy with her own life and for once enjoying it as she hadn't for a while and well, he's 10 years younger.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is there is no right way or wrong way. Seems to me like you really really tried. If there is anything left, yes work harder but if there isn't, I hope you'll be okay and deal with this in a way which will at the very least be respectful of your wife.

 

Good luck

[cozycottagelg]

Remove money from the equation and choose from your heart. Imagine you have just won the lottery and money is not an issue, what would you choose?

 

Good Luck

 

This is great advice if he was 18 and had no children and wasn't married. It isn't realistic for a man who owns a business, is married, and has children.

[complicateddecisions]

I agree some decisions need to be made with the head and not the heart. Otherwise I would of been out of my marriage a long time ago. But I made a commitment and felt I needed to follow through. The one thing I thing\k should of been done is getting better guidance when I was a young man. I think if my parents or closed adults I looked up to explain married life I would of never gone through with the marriage at that time. But after having a honey moon baby. I fell in love with my child and didn't every want to be a part time dad. I am making sure that I talk to my children about marriage decision as openly and bluntly as possible. I was never the head of heals in love which is what I have been longing for. But to ruin my family, and my family finances for that seems very very selfish. I just wish somehow someway that I can feel again. I know we need to live our lives to the fullest because we never know what tomorrow is going to be. But I also know from experience no matter how much love you have when you are in the red financially everyday and can barely get by that also put a huge strain on any relationship. I live it being married young and working in a family business get paid just enough to pay the rent, food, electricity. I have now worked my way up to be able to own a home, pay for my kids college, and have some money to live on and have alot in 401k for retirement. So after the college loan are paid it will be like I hit the lottery every year. But if I don't stay married none of this will be true.

 

So I guess what I am saying is I can stay married and experience life with a partner that is trying to change and not be so unhappy and mad (she had parents accepting and supporting her issue, both are dead so she is trying to move on from that). Which can be ok I can get along with anyone but I am not madly in love and probably never will be.

OR

I can try to move to starting a new life where love is the main ingredients but experience will be minimal. Cause the women I would love to be with is younger by 22y and would like to start a family and I would do my life over again which scares me.

[GettingOver]

From the perspective of the OW who is waiting on her MM to sort himself out - he is almost in your position, just doesn't have to loose that much. It is not the only concern,but one of. He is 15 year older.

How much ruined will you be financially?... Really bad or?... Does your OW make any money? If you leave, will you really have money for just food and rent?...

I am asking cause ... I love my MM. And there is a man who likes me a lot and wants to have a relationship with me. He is making good money and is a nice guy. BUT ... when I think about what he can provide... I don't feel happy or excited about it, cause... I have no feelings to him. Ask me if I want to have a vacation in the most expensive and beautiful resort with a that man or just a simple one in the countryside with my MM - I go for the countryside. Cause I know I will enjoy it, because I will share it with a man I love.

I do agree that severe financial questions can harm the best relationship, that's why I ask. I won't say anything else, as I am the OW and I am not in a position to give an advise. But for myself I know money cannot supbsitute a loved one, no matter how much you talk yourself into this. I honestly tried. We both tried.

As the OW I also don't blame you for so to say "sitting on the fense". I know that my MM is suffering due to the situation as well and he will have to hurt a lot of people should he choose me, which is pain for him. Even his parents did not support him blaming him for being "irresponsible" though his kids are 19 and amost 16. I get pissed sometimes but I understand what you have to go through on the other side of the situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

She deserves half of everything I have I will would never give her anyless than that no matter what a lawyer or judge said.

Does the "everything I have" include your honor, integrity, commitment, honesty and decency? Because if it did, I'd guess your decision would be fairly simple ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GrandeH]

You are in a lose lose situation here my friend. There may be one way to solve all of this, but first lets address the lose lose scenario I am talking about:

 

1. You choose to leave your wife and be "happy" with the OW... NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Why? Because over time, that "in love" feeling will fade away, and add to that the financial difficulties you will be facing, you will not be happy in the long term (at the 2+ years mark is my guess).

 

2. You choose to stay with your wife and continue to feel empty. Also bad for obvious reasons, you will not be happy and continue to resent your wife for the unhappiness and emptiness in your marriage. Trust me I know how it feels to feel lonely/empty when you have a spouse, you feel much much more lonely than a single person.

 

How to fix this?

Christian advice, open your heart to Jesus and all these other problems will no longer trouble you.

 

Worldly advice, try to find the love again with your wife. Do MC and continue IC until you find that in love feeling again. While doing this, go NC with the OW.

 

Best advice, follow the Christian advice AND worldly advice.

[complicateddecisions]

Dear Gettingover;

To answer your questions. Yes I will have to take out a loan of about 1 million to buy her out of my portion of the business. I will be able to keep the profit from the business but it will all go to paying of the loan. I am thinking of a 20 year loan. Plus I will have to give my wife half of my salary since she doesn't work right now leaving about 45k before taxes to life on and I also have the kids college loans that I am responsible for morally.

 

Being in an expensive state that is just above poverty level. Then the next twenty years i will just be working to pay her off or the loan. In twenty years ill be 70. So time is not on my side with that. The biggest fear that your MM may have and I have, is when reality hits can we rely on you being there and living a life style that may be less than you wanted. My ow is only 25 and wants a house and a child and these are things we can work together to get but not if there is no money. I life having no money and borrowing milk from my parents as a young married man and it is very humbling to a man to have to do that and I just don't know if I can go back.

 

I know my ow has a career and it will take a few years in that career to make good money. But will she get frustrated having to be the main support of activities and can I handle not being the main supporter which I have always been and was taught that I should be. I have follow what is expected of me and always took care of my obligations. Like you I rather go to a nice countryside inn but even a weekend like that is anywhere between 500-1000 in New England. Camping may be the cheapest and I know we would have fun. It just so hard to choose between my heart and my head.

 

I was never in this much love with my wife. I do have an obligation to her and want her to be happy and safe. My head says let the ow go and work hard on my marriage and hopefully I will be able to live with that companionship or follow my heart which would make me really happy but would devastate me not only financially but morally and loose respect from my family and the community being almost 48 and ow being only 26.

 

I bounce back and fourth so many times during the day that I am making no decisions which I can see is started to play on everyone.

I hope this sheds some light on your questions and your MM.

Edited May 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[complicateddecisions]

Does the "everything I have" include your honor, integrity, commitment, honesty and decency? Because if it did, I'd guess your decision would be fairly simple ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Your right all of those honorable traits when out the window when I said yes to the ow. I wish she would of never asked and I wish I was strong enough to say no.

Is it too late to get those back?

[twosadthings]

Most business people make five year plans for their businesses. What's the five year plan for you and your girlfriend? I can only guess but that would be struggling even more than you have projected because in five years you'll be fifty-three and probably have a child or two more that will keep you close to the poverty level for the next twenty years.

 

I'm not saying you should make your life decisions on financial considerations, quite the contrary. I haven't read through the other responders but I can't be the only one who thinks you're likely to experience a betrayal of your own in the new life you are contemplating with your young woman. She may have a ten year plan that doesn't include you.

 

If you can sense that your wife is willing to give you a chance at reconciliation you should jump at it and make it work romantically for the both of you.

 

I'm a fan of old sayings and while it may not exactly apply to you right now it won't be long until "There's no fool like an old fool" fits you.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings