Just need some and direction.

[9Lives004]

Hi, I'm new to this board and decided to register because of good posts and content. I'll try to make this compressed and not a wall of text.

 

I'm 30/m and married to my wife of 3 years. She's 26 and had a child from teenage mom scenario with the worst case scenario. That's a different story. She lived with her divorced mom and sister and inbred what I jokingly call a "hatred for men" but there some truth to the joke. They just don't get men at all. But she has done almost a full turn around but not there yet. She also suffered post pardum depression and I believe never recovered due to trauma with ex/ life in general. She never was able to work, never had to live on her own.

 

My story is different. I was adopted as a baby, had wonderful parents. A dad who worked the hell out of me all summer long and taught me wonderful work ethic. I did get into drugs/ alc and horrible relationships through out my teens and 20s. When we met I was living alone. In a different city than my fam. I learned a lot of independence this way. I also learned a lot about people and life. I hate to put it this way, but looking back at how we met I was kind of a super hero save the day for her. Please don't take me as conceited because I promise you I'm not. It was just a solution to her situation subconsciously and was a way for her to change her life in a big way. We're both small town Georgia kids. Her and 4 yr old son moved in and we started becoming a family. Her mom and sis are strange to me, they don't really keep up. And always seem to run motives and agendas. I'm not use to this. But overall we were all very happy and still are.

 

Fast forward, we're married. I'm sober and she's pregnant. Not a bad thing but I can't help but fear a few things. She's always been very lazy. It use to drive me insane but whining and complaining to her did nothing but start fights. So, I accepted her for her and I'm here for her as she grows (fingers crossed). She sleeps all day, doesn't clean house or do much of anything. I'm a truck driver home every night and other small $ making things. I feel that I'm very patient with her accepting and understanding.

 

Here's the juicy part. Through out my life I always have been loner kind of detached. I depended on porn for my release and never thought twice about. Once married this became a lot larger problem than I anticipated. I'm also not some jerk that can't see that it hurts my wife nor pretend that in play no role in our problems. After about a year of marriage this was like a bomb of poop hitting the fan. She claims she didn't have any idea of the porn use, but I think she just chose not to acknowledge. I didn't really hide it nor make it well known. Since then she has been very harshly judgemental while not really exactly holding her end of the bargain here. If she were keeping up this would be a lot simpler. She acts as if I'm breaking some absolute deal breaker while refuses to aknowledge her stuff. If I bring it up.... I boy, put on the seat belt. Going for a ride. She gets very irate, twist words and confuses me until I don't even know what we're talking about. I can't help bit think that she does this on purpose to trip me up, but I just have trouble looking at her in that light. Please understand this is a small percentage of our marriage, we're not falling apart, we're not really in a crisis. However I want more out of life than feeling this elephant in the room. I want to be passionate and lust over my wife and not feel so attacked and judged. I just fore see this has being huge in the future if I don't attack it now. I feel as if it's all up to me, as most things In Our life. Let's not forget this baby boys on the way and it will be the opposite of what she knew growing up. Was 3 girls. Now she lives with 3 boys hehehe. Understand I love my wife and I'm dedicated and is lay on the train tracks for all of them, but this porn thing is hard for me to kick, let alone under these conditions. I don't want to blame it on her because it's not her fault. But I can't convey this to her with out it becoming so huge and humiliating. She wants me to be open and honest but when I am, boy do I pay. I pay. Big time. So... I'm afraid I'm just sweeping it under the rug. To deal with tomorrow. We all know how that ends.. Also it's hard for me to really dedicate to this while watching. Her sleep life away. I understand she's pregnant. That's not what I mean, she did this way before pregnancy. She often lives in the past and has all these blanket, universal ideas of the way things "should " be.

 

I just need a little advise or maybe even a pep talk. I just can't see outside of myself on this one. I'm usually a good advise giver but I can't give my own.. Anyone willing to read this unintentional wall of text, any input is greatly appreciate. Thanks for reading and carrying!

[Eivuwan]

If you weren't married and if you didn't have children with her, I would advise you to run away. This is no relationship. I am not sure why you like her at all. However, since you are indeed married and have children, I guess you can try suggesting marriage counseling.

[9Lives004]

I can respect that. But why do you you feel that way? Is it because of her or me? Also this is only a percentage of the relationship. If is significant which I why I'm reaching out, but she's got some wonderful qualities as well. We're both the type willing to change this problem is just kind of multi layered. It's like a vicious circle. She gets depressed because of porn (so she says...) and freezes me out and then.. Well I gotta do something? Right. It seems like a simple fix. But I fear that I will dedicate so much effort while the problem with her really is not the porn and is really with her own self image and fear of men. I feel like I'm need one that needs to stand up and do somthing first and be a leader.

 

One more thing. She's going to have to sink or swim when then baby comes. I don't expect the child to fix her but I'm hoping it kind of re dedicated her purpose. Thanks for the reply

[oldshirt]

a few different issues going on here.

 

 

For starters I think you settled when you started getting involved with her in the first place. Why did you think a lazy, man-hating, single mother with a dysfunctional, toxic relationship with her baby's father be a good candidate for a GF?????????????????????

 

 

I think some people feel like they aren't able to attract and get a squared away person and think that they can get a fixer-upper on the cheap and then rebuild them into something better. The problem is people aren't like an old used car that you can replace an engine and put in a new transmission and have it run fairly well. People are more like an old junker that's been sitting in someone's shed for 10 and no matter what new parts and components you put into it, it is still going to burn oil and leak antifreeze and drop parts off going down the road.

 

 

It's quite common for a young, single mother to bat her eyes and wiggle her behind at some naïve "nice guy" to get him to help support her and her child and to put a roof over their heads and food on their table, but she is doing it for the support and assistance and not because she is truly attracted to him or in love with him. This will manifest itself in time by showing him disrespect and disregard to his wishes and needs and being all about him serving her and the child. She may "put out" periodically to keep him around but she isn't into it and it often feels more awkward and uncomfortable than it does intimate or satisfying.

 

 

 

 

The other issue here is the porn. Now I like some kinds of porn just as much as the next guy (and gal) but any time you start using porn as your sexual outlet and as a part of your routine, it's a problem.

 

 

Porn is a lazy man's relief valve. With porn you don't need to talk to it, don't need to be nice to it, don't need to woo it, court it, buy it dinner, be nice to it's friends and family, don't have to listen to it's problems, don't have to have a job or be responsible, don't have to plan for the future, don't have to rub it's feet or ask how it's day went.

 

 

The problem with porn is that it gives you fake sex for free and without any effort and then drains your tank and leaves you drained and without any motivation to pursue and work for a real sexual relationship with real flesh and blood woman. And because it gives you all that for free, you get lazy and don't do anything to improve yourself or improve your position in life so you end up in a position where you aren't able to attract the pretty, ambitious and squared away women and are left with bottom feeders like the fat, lazy, man-hating, welfare mothers that spread their legs for the douchebags at the bar and get knocked up and then want to find some gullable guy to feed and house them and leech off of them.

 

 

If you weren't watching porn and spanking all the time, you'd start to get pretty dang horny and edgy. Being horny and edgy may not be all that comfortable but it's a hell of a motivator. When you are horny you feel live and vigorous. When you feel alive and vigorous you get out there and do things. You notice women and you pay attention to them and you approach and interact with them. When you realize that they are attracted to guys with ambition and a future, you start getting ambitious and start striving to create a better future for yourself.

 

 

When you spank to porn, you are perfectly happy to sit on the couch and play Xbox. .....and you don't care that the only woman you have around is a fat, lazy, man-hater that's bitching you out and riding your ass all the time that aren't doing enough for her, who keeps you around to house her and her child from the douchebag at the bar that she did have the hots for.

 

 

Porn is leech and a vampire that sucks your libido and drains your Lifeforce and makes you complacent and lazy. Guys that go off of porn and masturbation for a few weeks start noticing how much more zest and vigor they have and how much they start noticing and appreciating women more and how they become more energetic and assertive with women. Men that notice, appreciate and approach women, tend to attract women.

 

 

If you do love this gal and want to have a happy and healthy family with her, cut out the porn and spanking. As the pressure builds and you start to feel more horny and edgy, perhaps you'll start flirting with her more, slapping her ass more and getting up and doing more things around the house more. This in turn may stimulate some of her attraction and desire and may motivate her to get up off the couch and do something useful too.

 

 

quitting porn may not save the world and may not make you rich and famous, but quitting porn will never hurt you in any way and might give you a little more zest for life and give you a little more energy to get out and do things.

[Eivuwan]

a few different issues going on here.

 

 

For starters I think you settled when you started getting involved with her in the first place. Why did you think a lazy, man-hating, single mother with a dysfunctional, toxic relationship with her baby's father be a good candidate for a GF?????????????????????

 

Exactly, most people will run away as soon as they discover these traits. OP, I think that because you are a loner, you don't have good ideas of what healthy relationships look like. When you got involved with her, you basically shot yourself in the foot and crippled any chances of having a non-dysfunctional relationship. You can't save people. They have to want to improve and help themselves and she seems like she would rather take things out on you. You are totally enabling her by supporting her financially while she criticizes you and does nothing around the house.

[9Lives004]

Man that stung so bad to read, but I did not hurry through it in denial. I believe you are correct. While I think you kind of stereotyped the typical porn guy situation I'm not disagreeing with you. I have 3 businesses of my own. At 30 years old, so I don't really see my self as an x-box guy but all of that doesn't matter erase x-box and fill In the blank. Mine happens to be guitars. While I made the mistake of posting when I was pissed about to this, y'all got to see the extreme bad side of this. But I do see passages fro

Your post hoping off the page at me. In my teen-mid twenties I struggled with drug abuse pretty severally. From split personality drinking rampages to crack cocaine to meth amphetamines all the way to needle oxy/ heroin. I had a very low self value back then. Very low. It also was the focal point of my life while depending on porn wasn't even on the radar. I mean I didn't even think twice about it. By the time I quit messing around with all those drugs I continued to drink all the way up to the point we got married. When I drank I was a sexual machine. No fears, I was a beast. I depended on alc to manage my sex life. Which lead to a very false since of security with my sexuality. You know, I chose to identify with the beast not the shy me who was very insecure and doesn't measure up. By the time we were married I'd made a choice to give up alcohol as well. I've honored my word and haven't touched a drop in over 3 years. It made me change. I was very angry, paranoid and abusive. So when I hear you say these discriptions it makes me cringe to think of myself in that light as I don't feel lazy at all. I feel as if I've changed so many things about my self while porn being kind of a final crutch so to speak. And I'm not gonna sit here and bs. I rely on porn in such a way that it seems like an impossible habit to kick. I'm the king of bad habit breaking king so I hope no one looks at me as a typical douche bag xbox playing loser. But I do relate with it and would be lying if I said some of it didn't apply. I think what frightens me the most about taking the plunge with this is that I'm afraid to rely upon her sexually because she's scarred me so bad with some of the things she said to me about it. I don't mean to be a little b@&$h about it but that crap stung. That and it seems that she uses this as an excuse to do nothing while I continue to get up and get it every day. I know it's up to me to lead us to a different path, I just wish she'd make me feel a tiny bit better about putting my last dollar on it.

 

As for settling.. Your probably right. I don't see my self as naïve or her as blatlently setting out to trap me. She was not this way when we met. Always doing something, so I know she has the ability to get back there. I know, that's not my battle to fight. I guess I just fear the possibility of going through this change and her being the same. As I told you my self worth was very poor so I'm sure I didn't have my sights as high as the could be. But that's then, this is now. I do care about get a lot and don't desire to go our separate ways. I do desire more out of life then where I am currently. I NEVER EVER criticize where she's at but she does me. She's only 26. She's had many obsticals in life I admire out of her. We also communicate on a different level than I feel most do. So, we're not in the crapper or anything. I just came here because this is hard to discuss in person. I feel responsible for all of us and if I have to take the first hit I will.

 

I hope by saying this you won't put me in the full complete category or porn loser even though hearing that May have been necesary. I've encountered many hurtles in life and I'm still going. I'm not the type to just never face it and continue about my life in ignorance. I guess I've know. All along what to do, I just need to pull up my big girl panties and do it just as every other change I've made. Hopefully by doing that I can set a better example. Hopefully I can get some guidance as a 3/4 duesh bag and not a full duesh bag lol. Have any of you done this before or have any suggestions on where to start? I know you said I need to get my vigor back, the only way to do this is to stop masterbuating. I get it. I'm thinking I need to make a pact with myself to not do it 100% with myself or y'all or some one and just do it. No matter what. This is how I changed in the past as I felt different later down the road. It just seems so big of a challenge. One good thing about my wife is she doesn't use sex against me. For now. So, anytime I'm ready she's there. But do I need to avoid sex/ orgasm period? Or just masterbuating, to get my mojo back? I guess I need to do this with out her knowledge. She'll just get me all worked up about it.

 

Thanks for the reality check. Hopefully I can pull it together with this any other wisdom is appreciated.