Complicated FWB relationship with best guy friend,found out he has another FWB(?).

[sminnow]

I'm in the same tutorial class with this Brazilian guy who's 3 years younger than me. I'm 24 years old, and I'm Asian.

I've known him since January last year, and we've always been "bros", he's an introvert, so he doesn't have a lot of friends in his life, so we became really good friends. We could talk for hours, Skype each other every day for hours, and just be ourselves. I know him very well, and I know he's very comfortable with me. Though, he doesn't treat me like a lady at times.

But, then, we went on a trip last January, just the two of us, and things got intense - we started "playing" with each other. Then, eventually, we became FWB. For about 3 months now. We're in a very weird relationship. He calls me "bro", but I'm not sure why he would sleep with me, if I'm just his bro. He told me, he never had anything like this with any other people. Every time we're together, the sexual tension is so strong, that he'd get really "happy" down there, and he'd always tell me, this never happened to other girls he's been with. We got into a fight once, and he punched me after I slapped his face and he told me, he has never loved someone as much as me, and never ****ed up with someone as much as he fcked me up. He told me, "I feel like jumping through the ****ing window right now.(because, he hurt me) You are the best thing that happened to me. And somehow I can only manage to hurt you. I wish I could give you excuses, I wish I could say I was worried that my grandfather would die, I wish I could say I feel like I should treat women bad cause of the way I saw my father being mistreated and cheated by my mother.. But I can't. I could never imagine myself hurting you the way I did. I don't know why I love you so much and I can't show it.

Everything is coming back to me now, how I mistreated you all this time, and it's making me feel like ****. You have no idea how much this is weighting on my conscience, I''ve always despised anyone who would even touch a woman with the intention of harming her, and now I realize that I'm what I always hated

You mean so much to me you have no idea, I wish I could tell you that before, I wish I could show you. But my ****ing insecurities wouldn't let me. I remind everything I said you, everything I did to you. Really, now it seems like I'm not even worth your friendship. I'm ****ed up in the head, more than you could imagine. I have something inside of me that I try to control and hide. I can easily say you're the person that know me the best, you've seen everything about me, not anyone in my life know that much about who I really am as you do.". I forgived him. He told me not to tell anyone else that we're sleeping together, and when I ask him why he told me, its because he doesn't want to be in the midst of gossiping Brazilians, and that, he ask the same thing from every girl he's having something with. I think, I am developing feelings with him, I thought I was the only girl he's screwing around. Or, maybe its just because all the oxytocin confusing me, I can get really possessive to be honest. But, last April, I found out he has a "thing" with another Brazilian girl. Everything made sense to me, because I know him very well, those times he's not online, I know he's with the other girl. It hurts.. so bad. I got so very depressed, jealous and I just can't get over the fact, that I'm the "new" girl, because what they had, was longer in terms of duration. I'm not sure the extent of their relationship, but he gives her gifts, the girl clearly likes him a lot, too and he told the girl, I like you, too. I realised that I'm the new girl that he's sleeping with now in his life. I actually wanted to win him over the other girl. I wanted to improve myself so much and be amazing, that eventually he'd pick me, not her. Despite the fact that he's extremely good looking and, he's very closed and secretive about everything else, I value him for the mental connection we have, I love him for his brain and mind.

Is this a bad idea?

I'm so confused really.

I'm way too emotionally invested with him now. I don't want to give up without a fight. The chemistry we have, is really strong and Ive never been so comfortable with another guy in my life.

I really don't want to jeopardise the friendship by telling him that I've developed feelings for him. He is my best friend here. And, I'm really attached to him.

I need to stop feeling jealous and possessive.

I'm depressed and angry every time I imagine that he's with another woman.

How could I move on?

How could I stop hurting?

What should I do?

Edited May 2, 2014 by sminnow

[preraph]

Not sure who hit who first, but I am sure that even he knows he is not in control of his rage and needs therapy. If you hit him first, you also need therapy. You two are probably drawn to each other because you grew up with violence in the home so it's familiar to you, not just in the violence itself but more subtle traits that come along with a rocky upbringing, things you are probably blind to.

 

Love does not cure these things. This is what he is now confused about because he doesn't get how he can love you and want to hurt you at the same time. It's because he had crappy role models and this is the only way he knows. You should both be separately seeing a psychologist to get yourselves sorted out, or you will have rocky relationships and bring kids into that.

[sminnow]

There's is so much tension between the both of us, I'm guessing it's all the sexual tension? He's 21, and he's a body builder, so he has a lot of testosterone peaks going on and off. The day that he hit me, I was on my menstrual cycle that day, so I was very off. It was a combination of a lot of bad things happening at the same time.

Yes, both of us are pretty messed up in the brain, but we take effort to fix things when we're fighting. He always tells me how much he likes me, and that all our bickering, at times, amuse him.

I don't even know how to feel now.

I'm hurting at times, when I think that he's with another woman when he's not with me. I can't trust him.

I need to move on, to stop being too attached, but he's my best friend, too at the same time, which makes things more complicated.

[Tayla]

Change your definition of best friend. Best friend do not act in such manners.

[sminnow]

Am I a fool for being afraid to be alone and to love him, to pursue him with all my heart?

He really is my best friend here. like i said, what i have with him, is a very complicated relationship. He can go hot and cold, at times, but i know he cares about me. The chemistry we had is amazing. We could easily understood each others jokes and sense of humour, he would let loose, we could just hug each other in complete comfortable silence. I just, don't know how to completely get out of the bro-zone. At times, he'd treat me like a lady, at times, he'd go all douche on me, farting, burping and all.

and, i don't know if its a bad idea to really fight for him, because i really am afraid of getting hurt.

Edited May 4, 2014 by sminnow

[preraph]

He could be on steroids as well. Anything that starts off with hitting is only going downhill. As I said, you both need professional help to end the cycle. Sorry. I know it hurts.

[PlanetJanet]

Why do you want to be with someone who hits you, and hurts you, and doesn't seem to be able to control himself? Also, he is with another woman and you want to "win" him. What makes you think he won't go find another woman, just like he found you to be his second FWB. Then how will you feel.

 

I think it would be good for you to think about what kind of relationship you want. This is more than a friendship for you if you have a huge emotional investment and want to take him from the other girl. That's not a FWB, that is straying into exclusive, GF territory. But I have to agree with other posters, that it sounds like there is some dysfunction in your lives if you think hitting each other is a good way to communicate.

[sminnow]

i guess I'm putting up with everything, because i don't want to be all alone.

that over time i have come to not just love him as a good friend, but fall in love with him as well. i fell in love with his imperfection and his flaws. i accept him for who he is.

because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than him.

[travelbug1996]

What's so bad about being alone? At least you'll have some dignity and self respect. He just likes having sex with you. He doesn't want to be exclusive with anyone and you shouldn't be pursuing any man "with all your heart" or any of your heart for that matter. You will always being in this kind of turmoil if you don't start to value yourself your body and your time more. Give yourself to a man that wants ONLY you.

 

Stop trying to give your love thinking that you might "win" love in return.

 

You are not in love with him. You are just emotionally attached and dependent.

 

LOVE IS NOT PAIN.