do dumpers stop to think about the effect their breadcrumb may have on you?

[Ordinaryday]

over the past few months I have had brief contact from two dumpers and both hurt me a lot.

 

the first one was from a woman I saw for a few months who dumped me out of the blue! I had not spoken or communicated with her at all in two years and then earlier this year I got a breadcrumb email "hope you are well".

 

this really bothered me, the wording. as an English and Media Major I am aware the power that words can have, and even a simple phrase like "hope you are well" carries all sorts of meanings and connotations.

 

what bothered me specifically is when she dumped me she knew it really hurt me and that she was leaving me in a terrible spot.

 

I remember thinking in response to her "hope you are well" email "well you obviously DON'T 'HOPE' TOO MUCH because if you were truly concerned about my 'wellbeing' you wouldnt have dumped me. so it was like "Hope you are well... but not enough to want you back". this email with that wording made me sick for a few days and I responded rudely back to her to ensure that I NEVER receive a breadcrumb from her again.

 

another ex I walked past in the city and she briefly said "Hi [real name]" before walking on. this bothered me heaps more cos this girl really broke my heart, left me in a terrible near suicidal state and to be blunt she had no idea whether or not I would do it and she dumped me. that was her right, but to then say "Hi" to me like I am an old work buddy and not a guy she broke the heart of, well I just couldnt believe it.

 

I posted about it right here and the general consensus was that she had not broken NC because it was an accidental bump-in, and that I should think nothing of it. it bothered me cos I didnt want to ease her conscience or nothing, but it was okay cos a week later I saw her walking down the street again and I deliberately crossed the road in front of her, to avoid her. she would have seen me deliberately avoid her, and I am glad.

 

so my question here is to anyone who has ever been a dumper or sent breadcrumbs to a dumpee without the intention of reconciling... did you know, at the time, that sending this breadcrumb could possibly hurt them? did you realise that maybe the ex DOESNT want to hear from you? maybe they are moving on, or trying to, and a breadcrumb will just set them back, not forward??

 

do dumpees realise this? I mean, they ARE HUMAN and have emotions so I cant possibly see how they dont realise this... and yet they send the breadcrumb anyway. do they just not realise? or do they realise but just DONT CARE cos they want their guilt eased and they DONT CARE if it hurts you more... so long as their conscience is cleared?

 

tell me!

[RDawg]

7 months and not one friggin bread crumb. Nothing. Radio silence. If my friends hadn't seen her in the bar last week she may have been dead for all I know.

[Ordinaryday]

she may have been dead for all I know.

 

I have been told by friends that a breakup IS LIKE A DEATH, you go through a very similar grieving period. lots of similarities - someone you loved with all your heart is no longer there, and you have to try to adjust to life without someone you spent so much time with.

 

I actually like to pretend my exes, the dumpers, are dead. I imagine that a week or so after they dumped me they died in an accident and it is impossible to EVER hear from them again. maybe this is weird, but it is how I move on.

 

and then when I get a breadcrumb from them it destroys that myth, because no matter what the breadcrumb 'actually' says ("how are you?", "happy birthday" and so on) what it REALLY says to me is "I am still alive and every minute of my life I am making the conscious choice to not be with you... but please respond back to ease my guilt".

 

people have often said dumpers are not the 'bad guys' but when I get a "how are you?" breadcrumb it is hard to see them as anything but the bad guy!

[FredJones80]

What if they send you a breadcrumb and you have a wheat allergy? very insensitive.

[Ordinaryday]

What if they send you a breadcrumb and you have a wheat allergy? very insensitive.

 

be a nice song lyric! people bag taylor swift a lot, and I never understood why she gets a rep as a 'teeny' singer. some of her songs are incredibly BITTER and one of her songs is the nastiest, most mean-spirited breakup song I know:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBH8l1R-ajY

 

got me through one breakup very well!

[SciFiWriter]

Don't touch them thar breadcrumbs!

 

Ain't no good ever come from them.

 

They're either from someone who doesn't have the spine to flat out ask for what they want - in which case, they're no darned use to you - or, they're just yanking your leash (and, once again, doing things for them as opposed to you)

 

Selfish or spineless - you choose!

[Ordinaryday]

Don't touch them thar breadcrumbs!

 

Ain't no good ever come from them.

 

They're either from someone who doesn't have the spine to flat out ask for what they want - in which case, they're no darned use to you - or, they're just yanking your leash (and, once again, doing things for them as opposed to you)

 

Selfish or spineless - you choose!

 

as a dumpee I experience what most people here have experienced - deep down you SO WANT A BREADCRUMB from the dumper and you look to special days like your birthday hoping you will get a breadcrumb from them. you THINK you want a breadcrumb but you dont - what you want is them saying they want you back.

 

and then if they DO breadcrumb you it will just hurt you and set back your healing by opening old wounds and bringing painful memories to the fore...and you got nothing out of it cos they dont want you back.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Since I've been on both sides of the fence, I can speak about both sides.

 

First, I think it's very unfair to assume that all dumpers are selfish and sadistic a**holes looking to toy with emotions rather than try to see the part that YOU played in driving the relationship to an end. It takes two people to make or break a relationship after all. I can't and won't believe for a moment that every dumpee is completely innocent and if you tell me that, I'll be forced to tell you that you are in some serious denial. Perhaps it's best you not be in a relationship if that's the attitude and mentality you keep.

 

Having been dumped before, YES, it sucks and it's bloody painful not be wanted anymore especially when you still have feelings for your partner. Depending on how long you dated, how serious the relationship was and how you broke up, the hurt and pain can linger for a long while and will leave a scar that gets carried into subsequent relationships.

 

No one is denying this part of the equation BUT at some point we have to grow up and take some responsibility. We need to realize that THIS is just part of life and love. Harboring ongoing resentment and hatred for someone only hurts YOU in the end, not them. It's also important and healthy to look at past failed relationships as lessons that need to be learned about yourself. What could you have done differently? There is a lesson to be learned in every relationship no matter how long or short, painful or happy. It's about growing from those experiences to become a better version of yourself NOT a more bitter and angry one.

 

As a dumper, the decision to end my past relationships NEVER came easy or without serious thought. I'm not one to check in and check out just because things get a bit bumpy. I cared about every man I was with otherwise I wouldn't have been with them in the first place! For ME, I've always tried to work things out, talk about the things that were concerning me and gave my partner a chance to weigh in about the issues. When those discussions have been had and NOTHING changed for the better, that's when I came upon a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I simply couldn't dwell in such unhappiness indefinitely. When I came to that point, I was always very considerate of my partner's feelings and worked very hard to end it gently and amicably. Most of the time, it went well but sometimes it didn't and that's just life.

 

In either case, I've both received breadcrumbs and given them. As a dumpee, there is definitely a mourning period where you need to get through the break-up but eventually, it feels SO good to forgive and make peace with things. Often times that when the closure arrives on that relationship which goes a long way in healing the scars so you're not completely damaged for the next relationship.

 

As a dumper, the same things go. IF I sent some breadcrumbs to an ex (very rarely happened), it was NEVER about toying with them but rather about trying to be adults and making peace with everything. Obviously we cared about each other at one point in our lives and (unless they were abusive or blatantly cruel in some way) despite how things may have turned out, I still cared about them. Sometimes men and women are just better off being friends rather than lovers.

 

Of course, I say all of this as a 45 year old woman who's lived a full life and had some exceptional experiences. Did I have this kind of clarity in my twenties or even thirties? Maybe not. Sometimes this only comes with age and maturity and experience but not always. I'm not sure how old you are but something to consider nonetheless.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 2, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[RDawg]

Some wise words there Michelle. I wish my ex had been like you and actually communicated things instead of just checking out.

 

But yes, we mustn't be too harsh on them, these dumpers are only human too and we are all flawed. I know we should strive for forgiveness and understanding, it is very liberating when one can get to that point.

[elseaacych]

Michelle had an excellent response. I think that in many cases there are amicable feelings between former couples and sincere wishes for well being. These breadcrumbs are the result of curiosity. And who hasn't been curious about an ex? (Come on dumpees! We all know that one of the hardest things to do is block our exes on social media!!!)

 

Most attempts to reach out, I don't think, are an attempt to hurt, but are kind of misguided in a way. Because you don't know how the other person is doing, and going through a break up is tough on both sides. And you rarely want to mention the elephant in the room when contacting said person.

 

Single breadcrumbs, like "How are you," that turn into brief conversations that go nowhere are just kind of lame. Like you're both trying to clear out cobwebs that have gathered in your head since the break up. If you run into each other on the street, you might as well both say "Hi," out of common courtesy. It's really a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing. (Because the alternative for either side is "She ignored me? She must hate me!!! AHHH! [dies inside]" or "UGH! That asshat just ignored me! How can she disregard all those beautiful years we had together! [weeps internally])

 

The only time when breadcrumbs are truly a bad thing is when they are CONTINUOUS, and it is clear that one person is trying to re-engage the other and they keep getting stone-walled, or one person is keeping the other on the back burner and keeps contacting the other. These are attempted psychological manipulations. Bad.

 

That being said, in order to get over a relationship, you both have to detach from it. And that comes from a LOOOOONG period of no contact. You can't help each other through it. You have to leave the other alone. So it's not anyone's fault, per say.

 

It's just how the psychology works. What matters is how you cope with these "breadcrumbs." This thread does a good job at hitting the topic on the head: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/466995-will-future-contact-always-considered-breadcrumbs

Edited May 2, 2014 by elseaacych

[Elle1975]

over the past few months I have had brief contact from two dumpers and both hurt me a lot.

 

the first one was from a woman I saw for a few months who dumped me out of the blue! I had not spoken or communicated with her at all in two years and then earlier this year I got a breadcrumb email "hope you are well".

 

this really bothered me, the wording. as an English and Media Major I am aware the power that words can have, and even a simple phrase like "hope you are well" carries all sorts of meanings and connotations.

 

what bothered me specifically is when she dumped me she knew it really hurt me and that she was leaving me in a terrible spot.

 

I remember thinking in response to her "hope you are well" email "well you obviously DON'T 'HOPE' TOO MUCH because if you were truly concerned about my 'wellbeing' you wouldnt have dumped me. so it was like "Hope you are well... but not enough to want you back". this email with that wording made me sick for a few days and I responded rudely back to her to ensure that I NEVER receive a breadcrumb from her again.

 

another ex I walked past in the city and she briefly said "Hi [real name]" before walking on. this bothered me heaps more cos this girl really broke my heart, left me in a terrible near suicidal state and to be blunt she had no idea whether or not I would do it and she dumped me. that was her right, but to then say "Hi" to me like I am an old work buddy and not a guy she broke the heart of, well I just couldnt believe it.

 

I posted about it right here and the general consensus was that she had not broken NC because it was an accidental bump-in, and that I should think nothing of it. it bothered me cos I didnt want to ease her conscience or nothing, but it was okay cos a week later I saw her walking down the street again and I deliberately crossed the road in front of her, to avoid her. she would have seen me deliberately avoid her, and I am glad.

 

so my question here is to anyone who has ever been a dumper or sent breadcrumbs to a dumpee without the intention of reconciling... did you know, at the time, that sending this breadcrumb could possibly hurt them? did you realise that maybe the ex DOESNT want to hear from you? maybe they are moving on, or trying to, and a breadcrumb will just set them back, not forward??

 

do dumpees realise this? I mean, they ARE HUMAN and have emotions so I cant possibly see how they dont realise this... and yet they send the breadcrumb anyway. do they just not realise? or do they realise but just DONT CARE cos they want their guilt eased and they DONT CARE if it hurts you more... so long as their conscience is cleared?

 

tell me!

 

Maybe it means we mattered. Not enough to be in love with us, but we left some kind of impression.

 

People don't think about what they do when they send a "how are you?". They might have thought about us, and decided to check in. I find it hurtful because they don't think about the effect it has on us. However, the intent is not to hurt our feelings.

 

I get dumped, or I break up the relationship, I don't look back. Although, I did contact a couple exes now that I think about it. 15/20 years later. I was in my late teens when we dated. Nostalgia, curiosity, etc.. Not to start something anew though. However, I do not contact an ex when there are feelings still in the balance.

 

If he was to say Hi Elle! In the street, I wouldn't say anything, I'd want to say "F off" though. Maybe I would, depending on my mood

[PhillyConnection23]

For ME, I've always tried to work things out, talk about the things that were concerning me and gave my partner a chance to weigh in about the issues. When those discussions have been had and NOTHING changed for the better, that's when I came upon a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I simply couldn't dwell in such unhappiness indefinitely. When I came to that point, I was always very considerate of my partner's feelings and worked very hard to end it gently and amicably. Most of the time, it went well but sometimes it didn't and that's just life.

 

This was pretty much my Ex's major criticism of our relationship. I know she tried to communicate the things that were bothering her but I didn't realize how serious it was. I think it was a breakdown on both of our parts.

 

How long would you stick around waiting for something to change? She more or less gave up after 3 or 4 weeks.

 

Did/do you ever see yourself getting back together with someone if they showed legitimate progress towards correcting the issues? Assuming the relationship was otherwise healthy and strong...

[Michelle ma Belle]

This was pretty much my Ex's major criticism of our relationship. I know she tried to communicate the things that were bothering her but I didn't realize how serious it was. I think it was a breakdown on both of our parts.

 

How long would you stick around waiting for something to change? She more or less gave up after 3 or 4 weeks.

 

Did/do you ever see yourself getting back together with someone if they showed legitimate progress towards correcting the issues? Assuming the relationship was otherwise healthy and strong...

 

I think the amount of time one sticks it out waiting for change depends and varies.

 

When I was married, I waited around and tried to work on my it for YEARS. We had built a life together, had a family and finances and to just pick up and leave after a few short weeks or even months just didn't make sense nor honored our commitment to each other.

 

As for my other relationships, again, it always depended on how serious we were. If it was a fairly new relationship (a few months) and/or a casual one, I'd give it another several weeks or month or two before I'd make the decision to end things.

 

Perhaps it really does depend on how long you were in the relationship and how serious you were. A few short months doesn't exactly warrant years of "working it out" unlike a relationship that's been going on for years and/or includes children.

[elseaacych]

Did/do you ever see yourself getting back together with someone if they showed legitimate progress towards correcting the issues? Assuming the relationship was otherwise healthy and strong...

 

Have to jump in here, but by the time you get to the breaking point, the relationship is no longer healthy and strong. And likely hasn't been for awhile. So you both have to make an effort to make yourselves into better people, and you better be willing to give it your all.

 

What's funny, is looking back on my relationship, my ex caused the majority of his own heartache and then left me, thinking that somehow everything would improve. Yeah, there are things that I could have done better, and I've learned my lessons. I don't think I will reach out to him any more though, because he made his own mess, and I am not going to let him feel as though he's off the hook. No hard feelings, just protecting my own.

[Virgin26]

 

What's funny, is looking back on my relationship, my ex caused the majority of his own heartache and then left me, thinking that somehow everything would improve. Yeah, there are things that I could have done better, and I've learned my lessons. I don't think I will reach out to him any more though, because he made his own mess, and I am not going to let him feel as though he's off the hook. No hard feelings, just protecting my own.

 

Damn! this is exactly what's going on with me right now! My ex had many problems (depression, losing jobs, etc) and thought he'd solve them by dumping me!!! I just wish I were as strong as you, and let it go for good.

[PhillyConnection23]

Thanks for the follow up.

 

We were together for 9 months but it was a very serious and committed relationship. The significant factor however was that for the last couple of months it was long distance with (at the time) no end in sight. Looking at it from her point it view, it made more sense to end it then instead of waiting.

 

Part of me still feels we are capable of working this out but I'm trying to move on. It helps a lot now living in another city but I'm still in her area at least once a month for work and will be permanently (again) at the end of the year. Maybe 7 months being separated will help us both grow.

[elseaacych]

Damn! this is exactly what's going on with me right now! My ex had many problems (depression, losing jobs, etc) and thought he'd solve them by dumping me!!! I just wish I were as strong as you, and let it go for good.

 

Ha! Well, if you've been following my thread, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/468403-slow-fade-nc-no-chance, you can tell that for many of us, it is a very long journey, and I, personally, am still not entirely okay. Yet. You will get there, and believe me, when you do, you will feel so amazing because you will KNOW that you are 100% better off.

 

SHAMELESS PLUG AHEAD:

 

That being said, everyone should read my thread. There are lots of good revelations on there, and some really wise contributors that bring up many thought provoking points. It's a little cerebral and long winded, but it touches on many points that are common to all breakups.

[SCJACK]

With one of my ex's back then I was the dumper and when I did talk to her I didn't think at all about seeing if she was on the leash or hurt her or whatever I just wanted to know how she was doing as I still cared for her. I didn't realize at the time that it was probably hurting her to communicate with her, she was probably confused as well since I did treat her more than friends still but didn't want to be with her. I strung her along for a good year without even realizing it. She threatened to stop being my friends several times but I got upset about it without ever realizing why, since I treated her well still but I didn't realize that she probably wanted more than what I could give her.

 

Now after this breakup (the first time I was actually truly dumped) it hurt like hell and I realized what I did with my other ex and how much I actually hurt her. I would apologize to her if I could but I doubt she wants to hear from me, plus if she hadn't talked crap behind my back for "revenge" that would have been nice... but since she did that I don't think I should apologize as it is probably pointless now.

 

With my current ex, I just found out that my ex breaks up with everyone and has never been dumped before because she doesn't want the other person to be the first to do it so she doesn't have to be as hurt... basically she dumped me so I can experience the full pain and she doesn't.. talk about a selfish immature bitch.... I regret not breaking up with her first as she didn't treat me too well but I loved her and I didn't want to give up on her just like that.

Edited May 2, 2014 by SCJACK

[Nimbus4dt]

I have been on the receiving end, not at all pleasant, we were semi seeing each other and did try a relationship again but it didn't last, she ended it out the blue after a lovely weekend together! I think there are breadcrumbs and breadcumbs, I think being the dumpee, we as such read so much into what is actually said/text/emailed, constantly going over what has been said. My ex was and still is a great manipulator, I believe that she knew exactly what she was doing. Giving the crumbs, avoiding the questions or even in some cases turning them through 180 degrees and projecting them back at me as if it was my fault for even mentioning things.

Breadcrumbs tended to appear when she was : bored, wanted to be taken out, wanted sex etc

Larger crumbs appeared if she wished to be taken away for a weekend etc.

Looking back at it now I was such a fool to be taken in by it all, I felt very strongly for her and every time I thought, great we are finally going to get this sorted but every time it resulted in hurt and culminated in me wasting about 4 months of my life hanging on for this woman, but then i believed it was right (how little did I know!)

I put myself in that position though so cannot blame her totally for it but when you love someone you don't expect them to take advantage of you, but it happens!

[Ordinaryday]

My response to someone of the people here who have said it is about 'making peace' and catching up with the dumpee because you 'still care' about them, my response is: nah!

 

It is all or nothing. If you 'care' about them then you should have cared enough about them to try your hardest to save your relationship. When you dumped em you gave up on them, that is the complete opposite of 'caring' about someone.

[BC1980]

My ex would send me breadcrumbs all the time, and I don't think he realized how hurtful they were. I think it was my responsibility to ignore them. He thought he was being nice by sending me picture of the flowers I had planted at our house. Stuff like that. He would send me picture of his son playing soccer. I could have easily ignored him, but I kept responding. It gave him the impression that I was okay with some contact, so it's my fault that I got hurt in that situation.

[Ordinaryday]

My ex would send me breadcrumbs all the time, and I don't think he realized how hurtful they were. I think it was my responsibility to ignore them. He thought he was being nice by sending me picture of the flowers I had planted at our house. Stuff like that. He would send me picture of his son playing soccer. I could have easily ignored him, but I kept responding. It gave him the impression that I was okay with some contact, so it's my fault that I got hurt in that situation.

 

Some dumpers just can't take the hint. I have said to a few dumpers something like 'if you dump me that is it, no friendship, nothing, we are through 100%. Are you aware of that?'

 

And they ALL said yes they were.

 

And then six months or so later I get a breadcrumb from them. I asked them 'I told you we are through 100%, why are you contacting me?' And their response was something like 'oh I didn't think you actually meant it!'

 

No respect

[STM206]

My response to someone of the people here who have said it is about 'making peace' and catching up with the dumpee because you 'still care' about them, my response is: nah!

 

It is all or nothing. If you 'care' about them then you should have cared enough about them to try your hardest to save your relationship. When you dumped em you gave up on them, that is the complete opposite of 'caring' about someone.

 

I agree.

 

It seems near impossible to go from a romance (love, sharing your deepest secrets, sex) to "hey how's the weather?"

 

It's such a catch 22.

 

Initially a breadcrumb sparks that "they're thinking about me!" Until you realize it only gets your hopes up and sets you back again.

 

I see why they say the only way you can befriend an ex is once you've moved on, most likely with another partner and your feelings for them have become more so an aqquaintance and nothing more, nothing less.

 

I can't wait for the day I reach that point, to feel that I have moved forward with my life.

[witmadskilllz]

I agree.

 

It seems near impossible to go from a romance (love, sharing your deepest secrets, sex) to "hey how's the weather?"

 

It's such a catch 22.

 

Initially a breadcrumb sparks that "they're thinking about me!" Until you realize it only gets your hopes up and sets you back again.

 

I see why they say the only way you can befriend an ex is once you've moved on, most likely with another partner and your feelings for them have become more so an aqquaintance and nothing more, nothing less.

 

I can't wait for the day I reach that point, to feel that I have moved forward with my life.

 

 

 

amen brother/sister!

[No Limit]

They might try to estimate what effect it has on you, but in the end it all depends on how you take them. Remind yourself that breadcrumbs are simply words. They have no meaning that would in any way benefit you, so why care?