do dumpers stop to think about the effect their breadcrumb may have on you?

[FortunateSon]

My ex sent breadcrumbs 6 months post BU that were purely self serving...to relieve her guilt and get "closure". She also wanted to make sure I didn't hate her and she conveniently let me know she was in a new relationship. I told her that I was doing just fine without her and that it was incredibly SELFISH of her to contact me...she actually agreed and I haven't heard from her since.

[FredJones80]

My ex sent breadcrumbs 6 months post BU that were purely self serving...to relieve her guilt and get "closure". She also wanted to make sure I didn't hate her and she conveniently let me know she was in a new relationship. I told her that I was doing just fine without her and that it was incredibly SELFISH of her to contact me...she actually agreed and I haven't heard from her since.

 

Ha, why even contact you if she was in a new relationship? Its as if somehow still wondering if she did the right thing?

 

My ex won't contact me nor send breadcrumbs, I just know the type of person she is, 10 years together, cya and gone. Ohhh the joy!

[STM206]

Do you guys think these so called breadcrumbs are ALWAYS self serving? Or are they sometimes a way to dip your toes in the waters to feel out a situation?

 

I think that if I were the dumper, and I KNEW that I had hurt someone by leaving them but wanted to make amends or even reconcile, that I would most likely start off the conversation light to feel out where the dumpee is at emotionally before progressing further.

 

It's like a hot shower, you don't turn up the heat on full blast and jump right in.

 

I guess I can understand why a lot of dumpees who aren't over the dumper often times question if they really want to ignore the messages or if there may be a chance of possibly working through things again.

[FredJones80]

Do you guys think these so called breadcrumbs are ALWAYS self serving? Or are they sometimes a way to dip your toes in the waters to feel out a situation?

 

I think that if I were the dumper, and I KNEW that I had hurt someone by leaving them but wanted to make amends or even reconcile, that I would most likely start off the conversation light to feel out where the dumpee is at emotionally before progressing further.

 

It's like a hot shower, you don't turn up the heat on full blast and jump right in.

 

I guess I can understand why a lot of dumpees who aren't over the dumper often times question if they really want to ignore the messages or if there may be a chance of possibly working through things again.

 

Yeah, i guess there is no one size fits all solution. I know breadcrumbs are recommended to be ignored but I could say for certain my ex wouldn't beg for me to come back, she would start off with breadcrumbs for definite.

[Emptynesswithouther]

Hello everyone I hope all is decent for you guys just wanted to say hello will tell my sad pitiful stiry in a lil while

[Virgin26]

Do you guys think these so called breadcrumbs are ALWAYS self serving? Or are they sometimes a way to dip your toes in the waters to feel out a situation?

 

I think that if I were the dumper, and I KNEW that I had hurt someone by leaving them but wanted to make amends or even reconcile, that I would most likely start off the conversation light to feel out where the dumpee is at emotionally before progressing further.

 

It's like a hot shower, you don't turn up the heat on full blast and jump right in.

 

I guess I can understand why a lot of dumpees who aren't over the dumper often times question if they really want to ignore the messages or if there may be a chance of possibly working through things again.

 

I agree. Not all communication from the ex is breadcrumbs. I have been on the other side of situation, and I was still communicating with the dumpee. Not to relieve guilt or sting him along, but simply because I still cared about him to a certain extent and I miss him. These communications always fade with time, but I wouldn't say that they're always meant to manipulate or hurt the dumpees. It all depends on the people involved, what cause the breakup, and how the breakup was handled.

[elseaacych]

That's the thing. You just DON'T KNOW. Honestly, I don't think dumpers would want to jump right in and do want to check to check the waters. Here's my proposed scenario. Through text.

 

Dumper: Hey. How are you doing.

Dumpee: Hi there. I haven't heard from you in a while, what's going on?

 

Option 1:

Dumper: Nothing. Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.

Dumpee: I am fine. Thank you for asking. I am about to head out to something so talk to you later. [ends conversation]

 

Option 2:

Dumper: I've been thinking about things lately, and I wanted to see if you wanted to meet up.

Dumpee: Why?

Dumper: Just to talk.

Dumpee: About what?

Dumper: Us.

Dumpee: What about us? More details please.

Dumper: I just wanted to see how you were doing, maybe catch up.

Dumpee: Why?

Dumper: Well, I wasn't in town and haven't seen you for awhile. (At this point, it's still unclear,so the dumpee has to say...)

Dumpee: Well, I am fine. Thank you for asking. I am about to head out to something so, why don't you call me later so we can talk? [ends conversation]

 

Option 3:

[dumper spills beans]

 

See, I think both sides should err on the side of caution. The dumper should know exactly why they want to contact the dumpee, in no uncertain terms, and be willing to tell them. The dumpee should try three times to subtly get an answer, and then flat out cut the dumper off if the dumper is not clear. And they should stay calm and composed and not fall to pieces over it. If one side falls to pieces over the contact, they he/she is not ready to be in contact.

 

Again, I don't know if a dumpee being straightforward scares off the dumper or not, but at this point, if I were in the situation, I would hope I wouldn't really care enough to be put off either way.

 

Thoughts?

Edited May 3, 2014 by elseaacych

[STM206]

Yeah, i guess there is no one size fits all solution. I know breadcrumbs are recommended to be ignored but I could say for certain my ex wouldn't beg for me to come back, she would start off with breadcrumbs for definite.

 

I think the same about my ex as well. However I've gotta work on moving forward because I already know my heart is getting giddy at the mere thought of reconciling and I haven't even gotten a damn "breadcrumb".

 

Shoot me? Thanks!

[FredJones80]

I think the same about my ex as well. However I've gotta work on moving forward because I already know my heart is getting giddy at the mere thought of reconciling and I haven't even gotten a damn "breadcrumb".

 

Shoot me? Thanks!

 

Haha STM206, don't worry about it, mine too.

 

I guess we all know our ex's better than anyone and would know how they would try and get back in touch even if that was going to happen.

 

I know for certain my ex wouldn't spill all and beg for me to come back, it just isn't how she operates, more of a cut your nose off to spite your face kind of person.

 

Sometimes even though we might want to hear something it is probably better we don't, its only going to confuse us more which is probably why people just suggest ignoring them.

[FortunateSon]

Ha, why even contact you if she was in a new relationship? Its as if somehow still wondering if she did the right thing?

 

My ex won't contact me nor send breadcrumbs, I just know the type of person she is, 10 years together, cya and gone. Ohhh the joy!

That is exactly what I said in our last communication "if your new guy is so great, why are you texting me?"

[FredJones80]

That is exactly what I said in our last communication "if your new guy is so great, why are you texting me?"

 

Any answer to that ?

[FortunateSon]

Any answer to that ?

Not really! She said "I probably shouldn't be in this relationship, I still have unresolved feelings from you." This was in December, I haven't talked to her since, as far as I know she is still with him? Good luck with that!

[Nimbus4dt]

I also think some breadcrumbs are in fact a method of seeding, i.e.. planting an idea or thought in the dumpee's mind, he/she them thinks for a long while after about a certain point that was made, this may be just a small something slipped into conversation/text/email that at the time did not register.

In my experience, the crumbs were not "feelers" to test the water but merely a result of boredom and attention seeking on her part. I know come the weekend I won't hear from her (as out partying) but come Monday/Tuesday crumbs would occur.

Since I last told her to leave me alone I have not heard from her and its getting easier (NC 5 days).

I am expecting her to go out with someone else very soon and know that she will inform me somehow of this fact, I shall just stand back and watch the car crash occur!

Do any of you think that breadcrumbs can be used as a form of revenge?

Due to, in my case us having a termination, she was and is still very bitter, my counsellor suggested this, the emotional push-pull, whenever I was on holiday she would text and say she no longer wished to see me etc…

I actually think in my case she did not even realize the effect these breadcrumbs have on me, despite telling her.

Maybe they are a result of being confused?

Oh to know what goes on it a woman's mind!!!

[Ordinaryday]

Do any of you think that breadcrumbs can be used as a form of revenge?

 

they totally can, and frequently are, as MANY people on this board report. it is a form of passive-aggressive behaviour on the dumpers part. they may feel bitter or hurt about your relationship and want to rub it in your face about how GREAT their life is going since they dumped you.

 

but they know if they send you a text saying "my life is so much better without you you jerk" you will just ignore it or hate them more, so they do it in a sneakier way.

 

they will send you something like "Hey! How are you? How have you been? I just want to let you know I have been doing fine since we broke up and harbour no illwill towards you. I am seeing a new guy at the moment and he is great, so you dont need to feel guilty about hurting me. Hope you are doing WONDERFULLY! all the best. your ex".

 

this is quite common. even though the EXACT WORDING of their message is 'technically' polite and not rude, it is clear that they are trying to rub it in how great they are doing without you, THEY WANT TO HURT YOU.

 

A text like this requires no response.

[Nimbus4dt]

they totally can, and frequently are, as MANY people on this board report. it is a form of passive-aggressive behaviour on the dumpers part. they may feel bitter or hurt about your relationship and want to rub it in your face about how GREAT their life is going since they dumped you.

 

Do you think many of the dumpers are actually aware that they are doing this, i.e.. pre-planned, pre-meditated or is it just something they are oblivious too?

 

My situation lasted 3 months to the day, 1st April she started to come around and 1st May she dumped me for the 2nd time, this was precisely how long she felt she had suffered for in our relationship, coincidence? Or am I reading into it too much.

 

Emotional push pull is in my view horrendous and if I knew what I know now I would have walked/ran and never looked back!!

[Ordinaryday]

Do you think many of the dumpers are actually aware that they are doing this, i.e.. pre-planned, pre-meditated or is it just something they are oblivious too?

 

completely depends on the person! because everyone occupies their own headspace and thoughts 100% of the time and the headspace of others zero percent of the time this can lead into situations where people have a view and are shocked to realise that others don't hold it.

 

maybe the dumper has completely moved on and just wants to catch up and because THEY have completely moved on, and not heard from you, they just assume that YOU HAVE MOVED ON as well. sometimes this is the case, sometimes it is not, but it is a dangerous assumption to make.

 

it is like the 'let's stay friends' line dumpers often say: I asked people why they said it and the most common answer is: to relieve guilt, but another answer was that they like you but just not enough to have you as a romantic partner. because THEY feel that way and have no trouble being 'just friends' with you they sometimes just assume YOU feel the same way as well - but remember

 

the person who makes the suggestion of being 'just friends' is ALWAYS the person less invested in the relationship, thus being friends is easy for them.

 

and finally, some are vindictive and want to hurt you. I have seen a few posts on this board about people getting 'accidental' texts from dumpers, saying things like "Hi [different friends name], you up for that BIG PARTY tonight? wanna score there hey!!" and then a few minutes later they get another text saying "Oops! sorry ex! sent message to you accidentally, sorry!" and all I can say is

 

that message sent to you was no 'accident', the dumper did it to hurt you.

 

so it is a different case for everyone.

[mummyjonno]

7 months and not one friggin bread crumb. Nothing. Radio silence. If my friends hadn't seen her in the bar last week she may have been dead for all I know.

 

 

Ditto for me, it's been about 10/11 months now.

 

I often thought I wish he would reach out somehow, just so I know I've not been forgotten completely.

 

Now I'm glad he didn't reach out. Anything he had to say would have given me hope for a doomed relationship.

 

A mutual friend said he had tried to find me on Facebook 2-3 months ago, he would have hard luck as I deleted it haha!!

 

Now I know I'm long gone but I'm certainly not forgotten lol

[Ordinaryday]

Ditto for me, it's been about 10/11 months now.

 

I often thought I wish he would reach out somehow, just so I know I've not been forgotten completely.

 

Now I'm glad he didn't reach out. Anything he had to say would have given me hope for a doomed relationship.

 

A mutual friend said he had tried to find me on Facebook 2-3 months ago, he would have hard luck as I deleted it haha!!

 

Now I know I'm long gone but I'm certainly not forgotten lol

 

if a certain ex ever reached out to me with a breadcrumb I would be so nasty to her. when she left me I was having all these problems at work and home and her leaving me left me near suicidal, it virtually destroyed me and I got fired from a job because of it because my work performance suffered.

 

I know she is not 'responsible' for me or anything and she has the right to break up with me. nevertheless, if she EVER reaches out with a 'hi how are you?' breadcrumb the results will... not be pretty.

[Nimbus4dt]

if a certain ex ever reached out to me with a breadcrumb I would be so nasty to her. when she left me I was having all these problems at work and home and her leaving me left me near suicidal, it virtually destroyed me and I got fired from a job because of it because my work performance suffered.

 

I know she is not 'responsible' for me or anything and she has the right to break up with me. nevertheless, if she EVER reaches out with a 'hi how are you?' breadcrumb the results will... not be pretty.

 

Sorry to hear that Ordinaryday..! Pretty hard to take. I'm of the same opinion now with mine but fear I'd weaken again if it happened in the next week or two, think I'd be fine if longer.

Its so hard when you believe but they don't show the same conviction!

Tomorrow's another day as they say, one day at a time!

[mummyjonno]

if a certain ex ever reached out to me with a breadcrumb I would be so nasty to her. when she left me I was having all these problems at work and home and her leaving me left me near suicidal, it virtually destroyed me and I got fired from a job because of it because my work performance suffered.

 

I know she is not 'responsible' for me or anything and she has the right to break up with me. nevertheless, if she EVER reaches out with a 'hi how are you?' breadcrumb the results will... not be pretty.

 

I think if people get breadcrumbs early on after a break up - they will hold onto them with hope it reconciliation.

 

After a while - you think dude wtf are you texting me for.

 

I blocked his number and then changed mine. So even if he attempted breadcrumbs (he may well have) I wouldn't know haha

[Ordinaryday]

Sorry to hear that Ordinaryday..! Pretty hard to take. I'm of the same opinion now with mine but fear I'd weaken again if it happened in the next week or two, think I'd be fine if longer.

Its so hard when you believe but they don't show the same conviction!

Tomorrow's another day as they say, one day at a time!

 

I show no compassion to my dumpers or be 'just friends' them because when they dumped me, as far as I am concerned, they gave up on me and decided I was not suitable to be their partner and they felt they could do better without me.

 

that is their right, they have every right in the world to be with who they like.

 

but if they think that I will have even one minute for them postbreakup or that I will say "hi" to them or ease their guilt.... they are dreaming.

[AtTheStart]

To answer the originally posed question and as I have come to find out....no, no they do not. Yesterday was both my birthday and college graduation...been 6 weeks since BU & NC (except for when she "relieve my guilt for all our mutual friends thinking Im cruel" breadcrumbed me a couple weeks ago).

 

So I get a hollow, generic, "Im so excited for you and feel so lucky to have shared in this with you and you should be so proud of all the success coming to you, etc"....

 

...Which pissed me off...NOT because I didnt hear "what everyone wants to hear" but because absolutely no forethought went into what essentially was, "I cut you out of my life, still try to save face by inserting myself into YOUR friends (and the ones that are now mutually OURS) lives, you were great to me just don't exist anymore...but here have some empty words!"

 

Which Im sure she feels weren't empty...but that's what they are to me. The fact she "feels lucky"...well must've not have felt too lucky as she decided "poof, you don't exist". If she does feel lucky, I'd hate to see her indifferent. Hahaha.

 

Anyways, the silver lining is I immediately didn't recognize the #. Removed her but didn't block her. So when I received a paragraph that seemingly could've been from an aunt, former co-worker, friend I hadn't seen in a while I had honestly replied with, "Thanks! Who is this btw? I dont have the #." ....then recognized it as I got a "Ha. Well that makes me sad."

 

Anyways, no, now in my experience...absolutely no thought went into "I'll contact him on a very special day to him, just to send some generic empty words to him, so he knows I exist and "care" (heavy quotation marks)."

 

It put me in a bad mood temporarily as originally she would've have been there to celebrate this milestone with me...but I got over it. Still it screams, "daft" to me. When you walk away from someone...you better be ready to mean it.

[witmadskilllz]

I show no compassion to my dumpers or be 'just friends' them because when they dumped me, as far as I am concerned, they gave up on me and decided I was not suitable to be their partner and they felt they could do better without me.

 

that is their right, they have every right in the world to be with who they like.

 

but if they think that I will have even one minute for them postbreakup or that I will say "hi" to them or ease their guilt.... they are dreaming.

 

the fu.cking truth

 

preach

[Natsume21]

Since I've been on both sides of the fence, I can speak about both sides.

 

First, I think it's very unfair to assume that all dumpers are selfish and sadistic a**holes looking to toy with emotions rather than try to see the part that YOU played in driving the relationship to an end. It takes two people to make or break a relationship after all. I can't and won't believe for a moment that every dumpee is completely innocent and if you tell me that, I'll be forced to tell you that you are in some serious denial. Perhaps it's best you not be in a relationship if that's the attitude and mentality you keep.

 

Having been dumped before, YES, it sucks and it's bloody painful not be wanted anymore especially when you still have feelings for your partner. Depending on how long you dated, how serious the relationship was and how you broke up, the hurt and pain can linger for a long while and will leave a scar that gets carried into subsequent relationships.

 

No one is denying this part of the equation BUT at some point we have to grow up and take some responsibility. We need to realize that THIS is just part of life and love. Harboring ongoing resentment and hatred for someone only hurts YOU in the end, not them. It's also important and healthy to look at past failed relationships as lessons that need to be learned about yourself. What could you have done differently? There is a lesson to be learned in every relationship no matter how long or short, painful or happy. It's about growing from those experiences to become a better version of yourself NOT a more bitter and angry one.

 

As a dumper, the decision to end my past relationships NEVER came easy or without serious thought. I'm not one to check in and check out just because things get a bit bumpy. I cared about every man I was with otherwise I wouldn't have been with them in the first place! For ME, I've always tried to work things out, talk about the things that were concerning me and gave my partner a chance to weigh in about the issues. When those discussions have been had and NOTHING changed for the better, that's when I came upon a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I simply couldn't dwell in such unhappiness indefinitely. When I came to that point, I was always very considerate of my partner's feelings and worked very hard to end it gently and amicably. Most of the time, it went well but sometimes it didn't and that's just life.

 

In either case, I've both received breadcrumbs and given them. As a dumpee, there is definitely a mourning period where you need to get through the break-up but eventually, it feels SO good to forgive and make peace with things. Often times that when the closure arrives on that relationship which goes a long way in healing the scars so you're not completely damaged for the next relationship.

 

As a dumper, the same things go. IF I sent some breadcrumbs to an ex (very rarely happened), it was NEVER about toying with them but rather about trying to be adults and making peace with everything. Obviously we cared about each other at one point in our lives and (unless they were abusive or blatantly cruel in some way) despite how things may have turned out, I still cared about them. Sometimes men and women are just better off being friends rather than lovers.

 

Of course, I say all of this as a 45 year old woman who's lived a full life and had some exceptional experiences. Did I have this kind of clarity in my twenties or even thirties? Maybe not. Sometimes this only comes with age and maturity and experience but not always. I'm not sure how old you are but something to consider nonetheless.

 

Good luck.

 

First, thank you for the mature response. But I have to agree and disagree with you.

 

Only because women like you, who happen to be in their 20s, aren't what you described as yourself. If what you are saying is true, then kudos for being honest and amicable.

 

Truth is, though, that's a very rare exception.

 

Suffice it to say, I do believe that dumpers do care somewhat for the person they dumped, but the fact still remains...most dumpers who have affected most posters on here were dumped BECAUSE of someone else coming into the picture. There are always problems within the relationship, but what can you say to a dumper giving you breadcrumbs after you find out that they lied and cheated and left you for someone else?

 

It's going to be seen as manipulation. I mean think about it, why weren't any problems addressed till someone else came into the picture? Why was this not a problem when he or she wasn't in the picture. It's selfish thinking. Hardly any relationship is left on amicable terms, so forgive me if I sense a hint of doubt in your words, but regardless, innocent till proven guilty.

 

How you leave the relationship will reflect well on how you're perceived if you as the dumper decide to reach out to said dumpee. Would you greet a criminal happily if they stabbed you in the back without warning? Or murdered one of your children, or deliberately caused you physical or emotional harm? Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a choice, a bad choice. A choice made for selfish gain at the expense of someone's emotional health. That's why it's call breadcrumbs? It's throwing out pieces of food after you unwittingly took away the whole meal for yourself or for someone else who, according to the dumpee, wasn't aware of was in the picture.

 

If my ex, for instance, threw me "breadcrumbs" I wouldn't respond. I gave her months to confess she was in love with her co-worker, and she constantly lied while using me for security. I found out from him and her co-workers he was cheating, and when caught, all she said was "things change"

 

I don't know about you, but that is in my book, an ******* move.

 

Some people have to view the dumper as bad people. That doesn't mean they are all bad or the ones that were are currently, but once you burn a bridge, building a new one is never the same, and sometimes not worth the time and effort.

 

Better to leave it in the past, especially if the dumper wrongfully hurt them being liars and cheater.

 

With that being said, that doesn't excuse the dumpee from their problems in said relationship. They have their own set of flaws, but it's up to them to fix it to be better off for the next relationship. But they are not, in any way, at fault for the WAY the relationship ended, unless they are abusive, mean, vindictive, or evil. Dumpers sometimes paint them that picture to justify why they fell in love with someone else when the real reason is that they wanted to date someone else for the excitement and thrill.

 

Most dumpers I've known don't give a damn whether or not they hurt their dumpee, cause why should they? They got what they wanted, right? They have no remorse. Any other interaction is to ease their guilt.

 

If who you are is true, then thank you for being honest with others and yourself out of respect for humankind. But to those who lie and cheat to get what they want at the expense of emotional pain.

 

Screw you. Save the breadcrumbs for the pigeons.

 

--Natsume21

[Ordinaryday]

First, thank you for the mature response. But I have to agree and disagree with you.

 

Only because women like you, who happen to be in their 20s, aren't what you described as yourself. If what you are saying is true, then kudos for being honest and amicable.

 

Truth is, though, that's a very rare exception.

 

Suffice it to say, I do believe that dumpers do care somewhat for the person they dumped, but the fact still remains...most dumpers who have affected most posters on here were dumped BECAUSE of someone else coming into the picture. There are always problems within the relationship, but what can you say to a dumper giving you breadcrumbs after you find out that they lied and cheated and left you for someone else?

 

It's going to be seen as manipulation. I mean think about it, why weren't any problems addressed till someone else came into the picture? Why was this not a problem when he or she wasn't in the picture. It's selfish thinking. Hardly any relationship is left on amicable terms, so forgive me if I sense a hint of doubt in your words, but regardless, innocent till proven guilty.

 

How you leave the relationship will reflect well on how you're perceived if you as the dumper decide to reach out to said dumpee. Would you greet a criminal happily if they stabbed you in the back without warning? Or murdered one of your children, or deliberately caused you physical or emotional harm? Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a choice, a bad choice. A choice made for selfish gain at the expense of someone's emotional health. That's why it's call breadcrumbs? It's throwing out pieces of food after you unwittingly took away the whole meal for yourself or for someone else who, according to the dumpee, wasn't aware of was in the picture.

 

If my ex, for instance, threw me "breadcrumbs" I wouldn't respond. I gave her months to confess she was in love with her co-worker, and she constantly lied while using me for security. I found out from him and her co-workers he was cheating, and when caught, all she said was "things change"

 

I don't know about you, but that is in my book, an ******* move.

 

Some people have to view the dumper as bad people. That doesn't mean they are all bad or the ones that were are currently, but once you burn a bridge, building a new one is never the same, and sometimes not worth the time and effort.

 

Better to leave it in the past, especially if the dumper wrongfully hurt them being liars and cheater.

 

With that being said, that doesn't excuse the dumpee from their problems in said relationship. They have their own set of flaws, but it's up to them to fix it to be better off for the next relationship. But they are not, in any way, at fault for the WAY the relationship ended, unless they are abusive, mean, vindictive, or evil. Dumpers sometimes paint them that picture to justify why they fell in love with someone else when the real reason is that they wanted to date someone else for the excitement and thrill.

 

Most dumpers I've known don't give a damn whether or not they hurt their dumpee, cause why should they? They got what they wanted, right? They have no remorse. Any other interaction is to ease their guilt.

 

If who you are is true, then thank you for being honest with others and yourself out of respect for humankind. But to those who lie and cheat to get what they want at the expense of emotional pain.

 

Screw you. Save the breadcrumbs for the pigeons.

 

--Natsume21

 

best response yet!!! preach it!