Needing Advice

[fleafly]

Its been almost 3 weeks now since I've found out about my wife's affair. I was looking for car keys when I stumbled across what turned out to be my wife's journal. When I opened up, I started to read about this relationship in pretty graphic detail, basically mocking me about how I would get to watch our kids so they could be together. When I confronted her, she told me it was with somebody named "Chris" that she worked with, and it was going on for 6 months.

 

After she left the house, I found pictures of the man it was, turns out to be a friend of the family, and its actually been going on for a year and a half. First off , I have to say that our marriage has not been the happiest for the last 3 or for years, but I truly believe that this is because of unforeseen circumstances. I suffered a carrier endind injury 5 years ago, right at the same time she decided to go back to school. Our income suffered greatly because of this, and for the last 2 years we both have been in school ,with her also working full time. We've always told each to just hold on, that we could make it through, and I honestly believed this.

 

About a year ago, the wheels finally fell of, and I decided that it was best for me to leave. She told me one day that while she loved me, she wasn't in love with me. Classic right? This was 6 months into the affair, of course! She wouldn't let me leave, and I decided then and there that I would try and make it work. We rented a cabin on the lake for the summer(guess who we rented it from??) And during this time I noticed this distance from her, unless of course HE came around). Anyways, by the end of the year I did believe that we had taken great strides in our relationship. In mid December, my wife called my and said that she wanted to get away for awhile to be together, which was fine and good until I found out the reason for this was that he had broken things off with her and she decided that she wanted to give "us" another shot. When we were on vacation I noticed this distance and sadness from her, and from mid December into I found out about this, we hadn't had sex. Which is basically the time that she now says she was really trying to put our relationship back on track.

 

Since this has came out, I would also like to add that she has had sex with me like we were teenagers again, which drives me crazy since all I can think of when we are together is, this is what it was like when they were together. Then she tells me that he gave her things I could not, which I have to reply, " like going out to lunch and getting a motel room??, which is basically what their time together amounted too.

 

So now she wants to go to counseling, which I have agreed to, bit am not really looking forward to. The only answers I have gotten from her at this point is either, " I don't know", or " I cant remember". I asked her last nite how does she think we can get through this when she cant even be honest with me. I said" if I wouldn't have found those pictures, we would being sitting in therapy talking about a guy named Chris when he didn't even exist, and she agreed with me. Ill break this off as its getting too long, Ill add more as I respond to your comments. Any advice or comments greatly appreciated, Im totally lost here.

[P1xie]

Wow...I'm so sorry. You are a stronger person than me because I would let her go. I know a lot of people move forward together after affairs and the counseling is a good idea. I personally have too much pride and know no matter how much counseling we received I would never be able to trust the person again.

[Mr Spock]

Ouch. Counselling isn't going to work if she is still seeing this guy.

[fleafly]

Well, she says shes not still seeing him, and I do believe her. However, she said that they broke it off in mid-December, which kind of explains the "quick vacation we took. She also spent a night at a bed and breakfast with him the first week of December, which to me was a "girls night out". He was at my house the night before we left for vacation, and she said that she called him when we got back. The thing the messes me up the most is, we spent every weekend together during the summer, with us at the cabin he leased us, and him on the other side of the lake. I remember one night he showed up and the two of them left together to get fire wood, and I couldnt figure out why it took so long for them to get back when it should have taken 10 minutes at the most, they were just going to the cabin up the road. There were so many obvious things that I recall now, I feel like such an idiot, but I did ask her what was going on, and she told me they were just good friends, so I figured it to be just a crush, as he is married and has two kids, two and four. I talked to his wife recently, and she is totally devasted, she felt as though her marriage couldnt have been happier.

 

And Pixie, I know what you mean. We have been together for almost 17 years, and we are both 34, so its really hard to just let go, although I do feel that, becouse of the circumstances, this is something that I wont recvover from. Although I must keep my children close to whatever decision I make, I really dont want to make the decision just for them. Im curious as to if anyone in the same or similar situations would comment on if counseling could help a person get through this.

[nap]

fearfly,

I'm with p1xie on this. My wife admitted to an affair which happened many years ago. I was blown out of the water. We contemplated counselling and I was prepared to give it a go however, her interest died down so i did not pursue it - thinking she should be the one pushing it. However, at the end of the day i could not see how counselling could help. After i got told, i stuck it out for another 2 years to see what remorse, etc was coming from my wife - I was disappointed. I thought counselling would only make me feel good, temporarily - the worst being the re-occuring images of her having the affair - a never ending "betrayal" issue which would always be there ready to rear its ugly head. I could not go thru with it and it would also be unfair to her and the kids with my depression, anger and the like as a result of these re-occuring images. Our decision has been to seperate.

Fearfly, obviously its your choice and maybe counselling will work for you. For me I doubt it very much.

Good luck....I feel for you. It is agony.

[jmargel]

You will be surprised on what couseling can do. Just because you can't imagine it doing any good, doesn't mean it won't.

 

She has lied to you for quite awhile, and you might feel like alot of things you two had are now tainted. Trust is the foundation of every relationship and when it's cracked or taken away it's VERY hard to get it back. Personally I could never trust my wife 100% again if she did cheat, emotionally or physically. It would be a decision if on what is greater. My love vs. trust.

 

Not only has she cheated on you, but lied. Every couple/relationship has a 'deal breaker', has 'boundaries' you don't cross. She has crossed them. You have every right to walk away and not feel guilty about this. This is something she has done and must live with. The question is, is she really remorseful? Is she sorry because she did this, or because she got caught? Remember she has been doing this a VERY long time.

 

If you decide to goto marriage counseling, I know what the marriage counselor will do. I know from experience. The counselor will make her answer some very tough questions. But they will also focus on what led to this. Of course she will have to end all contact with this other man. Personally I would not make this easy for her. If you do, you are subjecting yourself to future affairs. Read my link in my signature on what may cause something like this. It might be a start.

[DinNJ]

If I read your post correctly... she NOW wants to work things out because the OM has left her???

Hmmm... I'm gonna have to agree with Pixie... You (the husband) are second best to the OM at the end of the day... Counseling or not, I'd have a very hard time dealing with that in the future... no matter how much I loved her. I see it like this... she did something to you that you NEVER would've done to her. Not very fair... nor...not much love or respect for the relationship. G'luck.

[whichwayisup]

I'm real sorry to read your sad story here...Must be hell for you.

 

Well, she says shes not still seeing him, and I do believe her. However, she said that they broke it off in mid-December,

 

You need proof of this. And you need to make sure the OM knows he is not allowed anywhere near your wife. No contact - NO emails, calls or face to face meetings.

 

Couples therapy too is a requirement..She has to be totally open and honest about EVERYTHING with you.

 

Does she feel bad? Regrets it all and wishes it never happened?

 

This might help you abit, read DazednConfused thread about "wife made stupid mistake." I will find that original link and post it up for you. I think his situation might help you cope and give you some insight.

 

If you love her - Don't give up, do everything you can to make it work and let her know this but she has to be an open book with you...

 

All the best though and hang in there.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

There's the link to DazednConfused thread. It's long but really worth reading all of it. I think it could help you or atleast give you some ideas on how to deal and cope with what is happening in your life.

[fleafly]

Thank you for posting that link. My mind has been spinning for the last three weeks. I feel the same things that he, and probably every other person, male or female, that has had to go through this. The thing that is bothering me the most right now is, is they broke it off, why was she still talking to him???Why was he AT MY HOUSE two weeks after the fact?? I know from my past experiences, when I broke things off, that was it. To know that she called him after we got back from our vacation to tell him how it was, that doesnt sit well with me.

 

And even worse, if I wouldnt have found out about this, we would have leased that cabin again this summer, and we would have spent very weekend this summer with him and his family?!?So how many agruments would it have taken between us for her to go running back to him. I appreciate the input on marriage counseling, I just hope I /we get a counseler that can: make her open up and start being honest, not only me but with herself, as she really seems to have a hard time with that, which tells me that shes either lying to me or she doesnt want to hurt me any more, like thats really possible. And more importantly I need a counseler to honestly tell me if this can ever be fixed, my biggest fear is(besides having a counseler blame ME for this) is being strung out by somebody that has no hope but would be willing to do so for their own monetary gain, if that makes sense. I realize that this is going to take more than a few sessions to lay every thing out, but god damn if theres no hope I want to here that!!

 

I just want to thank you all for your input, it means so much to me you'll never know! i havent been able to talk to anyone about this, Im so ashamed that I cant even tell my family, which makes it even worse becouse I have to lie to them as to why I am breaking up my family. Any other input is greatly appreciated.

[fleafly]

To answer dins question, she says she broke it off becouse she realized that it was stupid and would never amount to anything. I just have a hard time believing this becouse of what I stated above. And to answer whichway's question about does she feel bad or does she regret it, thats a good question. Does she regret getting caught is what I want to know. If she wouldnt have brought her journal home from work and I wouldnt have stumbled across it, chances are I never would have found out in the first place. She didnt tell anyone about this, the only two people that know are her mom and her best friend, and they were both shocked. To me its like shes just trying to hold on, that shes more afraid of being alone then anything. But then again my emotions are so screwed up right now that a rational though on my part is virtually impossible. So I figured I would share a note she wrote to me last nite so you could see things from her perspective:

 

 

 

im sitting here and i can't sleep either. i just want to crawl in bed w/you and wake up and have this all be a dream. i want to start over. what do you call it a do over? can i do over everything? i wish that were the case because i would change alot of things. not just what i did but what i didn't do for us. i cant take the hurt away from you or what i have caused for so many people i know that. you say i was happy and that what was in that journal was what i felt. i think about it and yes i thought i was happy but it wasnt real, i thought it was and i was a fool. still doesnt change it taht it happened i know. i was trying to get to what i thought would make me happy but the more we talk the more i see how wrong i was, i never had anything more than a dreamworld, nothing real. i gave up on us jay. im sorry. i dont know why i could not come to you with it, cuz i thought it wouldnt change anything. i didnt know you loved me this much. i really didn't and i didnt know that i loved you this much either. i didnt look past myself you are right. again i am sorry. i am afraid of being alone you are right about that too. im afraid of everything right now but most of all of losing you. i could never leave. you know all it would ever take is for you to say, come on, let's go and i would run to you. you dont want me to wait because you wont come back to me. i know this in my heart but i cant believe it right now because its all the hope i have right now to hold onto. when we were together last night it was the closest i have felt to you in so very long. god i missed that. and that is why i cried because i didn't think it could be like that again and i was so wrong. i pushed you away, i did it. why couldn't i hold on? selfish again. i know you have to go, i am only hurting you more and i'm not trying to believe me. still being selfish by wanting you to stay. i pray that you will forgive me someday, somehow. and i'll still be here waiting and when you find someone new, someone to make you happy then i'll know the pain you feel and i deserve it all. but i'll still be waiting. you are finally asleep so i didn't want to wake you..... love you

[Owl]

I feel for you man. And I've got to say...you're three weeks into this now. It's still VERY early...and the pain is VERY new and intense. You're on what we call, "the rollercoaster". Feelings and thoughts will cycle through your mind like a rollercoaster ride for a long time to come. But...the longer you're on the ride, the more and more it starts to smooth out, and get a little easier to deal with.

 

Marriage counseling is a MUST friend. Absolutely a MUST. You both are going to have to deal with a LOT of things in order to have a chance at recovering from this. And make sure that you get a counselor who understands the dynamics of infidelity...someone who will understand what you are both going through, and how to help you heal.

 

Here are a couple of things you need to think about right now friend.

 

1. You're wife is still going through "withdrawl" from the affair. It ended three weeks ago. Affairs are addictive...VERY addictive. And getting over one takes time...and it has to be done 'cold turkey'. She's told you that it's over....GREAT!! Now...she needs to prove it to you. What has been done to completely sever all contact between them?? It HAS to happen...or you'll never heal. She has to do it so that can believe that she's going to re-build what she had with you...and she needs to SHOW you that it's ended. No more hiding or lies...at all!!! If they called each other, you need access to all her phone stuff. She can't delete her log anymore, etc... If they IM'd, emailed, whatever....you need to have access to all of that. Install a keylogger program. If they only met face-to-face...she has to be able to account for her time to you...at all times! And you should be able to check on her...if you don't check, how will you ever KNOW that it's ended???

 

2. She needs to understand that its the TRUST that has been destroyed. The LYING and DECEPTION are what hurt you the most...so in order for you to heal from that, you need to get the TRUTH! No more gray areas....no more "I don't knows". She needs to be HONEST, and to let you know exactly WHAT it is you're supposed to forgive her for at some point. You have to have this...because the very start of your healing will be "at least she's honest NOW". So, tell her that every little lie she does NOW is just added to that stack of pain, hurt, and distrust. She needs to start taking things BACK from that pile...and to start working on helping YOU heal from what she's done to YOU.

 

3. You both need to work with the counselor to figure out what it was that she was lacking that got her started on this affair to begin with. She was getting something (not just sex) from him that she felt was lacking in her relationship with you. What is that? And, how can you start supplying that?? At the same time, there are undoubtedly things that weren't meeting YOUR needs either...and she needs to start meeting those needs. That way, you can see that she means what she says about reconciling, and that she's WILLING to work on your marriage just as much as you are.

 

4. Realize that until NC (No Contact) is established...everything is in vain. You can't do anything to begin healing your relationship until she is away from him...completely. THIS IS MANDATORY....it is NON-NEGOTIABLE.

 

Get into counseling ASAP friend...and consider individual counseling for each of you as well.

 

I'm coming up on the nine-month anniversary of my "d-day"...the day when I found out about MY wife's affair. We're healing...we are going to make it. It's a lot easier for me to deal with things now than it was at week three....trust me. Hold on...keep working at it...and good luck!

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad she's opened up abit and has acknowledged her mistake in this. She really does seem sincere and hurt by the hurt she's done to you. That is a good sign.

 

Therapy for you is a good thing too. Not only couples therapy, but for your own spirit and allowing yourself to grieve and come to terms with the loss of trust and being with your wife now- knowing that the trust has been broken.

 

Don't blame yourself though...You may have been a small part of why she had the affair, but she should have COME TO YOU and told you she wasn't happy and some communication of why she was feeling that way. YOU did not make her have this affair... She did it on her own. She got caught- she did not tell you on purpose. IF you had not read that journal who knows??

 

This OM needs to be confronted. Does his wife know about their affair? She needs to be told as well. Others may disagree with me on this point, but any friendship that was there as family friends or anything is gone because of what they did. Just plain wrong and cruel to innocent spouses.

 

Thank you for posting that link. My mind has been spinning for the last three weeks. I feel the same things that he, and probably every other person, male or female, that has had to go through this. The thing that is bothering me the most right now is, is they broke it off, why was she still talking to him???Why was he AT MY HOUSE two weeks after the fact?? I know from my past experiences, when I broke things off, that was it. To know that she called him after we got back from our vacation to tell him how it was, that doesnt sit well with me.

 

And even worse, if I wouldnt have found out about this, we would have leased that cabin again this summer, and we would have spent very weekend this summer with him and his family?!?So how many agruments would it have taken between us for her to go running back to him. I appreciate the input on marriage counseling, I just hope I /we get a counseler that can: make her open up and start being honest, not only me but with herself, as she really seems to have a hard time with that, which tells me that shes either lying to me or she doesnt want to hurt me any more, like thats really possible. And more importantly I need a counseler to honestly tell me if this can ever be fixed, my biggest fear is(besides having a counseler blame ME for this) is being strung out by somebody that has no hope but would be willing to do so for their own monetary gain, if that makes sense. I realize that this is going to take more than a few sessions to lay every thing out, but god damn if theres no hope I want to here that!!

 

I just want to thank you all for your input, it means so much to me you'll never know! i havent been able to talk to anyone about this, Im so ashamed that I cant even tell my family, which makes it even worse becouse I have to lie to them as to why I am breaking up my family. Any other input is greatly appreciated.

 

Again she needs to be an open book to you 100000%. Emails, calls, cell phone records, all of it. Have her passwords if she uses the computer or even install a tracker so she can't hide anything from you.

 

The therapist is not going to blame you and tell you she had this affair and it is all your fault. She did that on her own Fleafly, so don't take that on...If your wife makes you feel that way- Set her straight. You did not hold a gun to her head and say "have an affair with somebody!!". This is her doing, not yours. Please believe that.

 

I'm glad that you can come here and talk it out and vent away...Everyone (well, most people) are really supportive and understanding and really do care about your well being.

 

I hope she realizes what she's really done and maybe even ask her to come onto the site, read your posts, and all of our replies to you...Show her Owls story and DazednConfused story so she can see what she's done - The realization of pain...Real f'ing pain that could have all been avoided if she'd thought first instead of doing something really stupid and selfish.

 

My thoughts are with you and I do hope you get through this.

 

WWIU

[fleafly]

Owl, thank you for you kind words. As hard as it is to say, it's comforting to know that Im not the only one that has gone through something like this. That said Im just trying to figure out if this is WORTH saving. Here I was, thinking that the last year of our marriage was our BEST yet, considering the **** that we have been through with me getting hurt and both of us going to school and trying to raise two kids, then to find out that the reason for this happiness was based on lies and deceit, tough pill to swallow. Wife told me the other day that she wants to call him and confront him about why this happened, so I know in my heart that contact between the two is not over. I didnt help this matter becouse I told her a few days later that if she did love him, then she should go to him if that would make her happy.

 

WWIU, the first thing I did when I found out was call his wife and let her know. thats the funny thing, like I said she lied to me and made up some imaginary man to protect HIS family, what does that say. The other thing is, his wife cannot figure out for the life of her why this has happened, she told me that she thought that it couldnt have gotten any better, that they never argued and they intimacy was never let down. It seems to me that he saw an oppurtunity and took it, my wife would meet with him for lunch, as they were just friends in the begining, my wifew would tell him about our problems and he would be there to say the right things. She says that he was always there for her when she needed to talk and she was always happy when she was around him. Well, no ****! Im just amazed that she could be so gullible, I think she now realizes that and thats why she wants to confront him. Believe me, one way or another I will confront him, and I will get my satisfaction, he already knows that its coming. I hope when that day comes he fights with everything hes got, hes going to need it.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by fleafly

And even worse, if I wouldnt have found out about this, we would have leased that cabin again this summer, and we would have spent very weekend this summer with him and his family?!?So how many agruments would it have taken between us for her to go running back to him. I appreciate the input on marriage counseling, I just hope I /we get a counseler that can: make her open up and start being honest, not only me but with herself, as she really seems to have a hard time with that, which tells me that shes either lying to me or she doesnt want to hurt me any more, like thats really possible. And more importantly I need a counseler to honestly tell me if this can ever be fixed, my biggest fear is(besides having a counseler blame ME for this) is being strung out by somebody that has no hope but would be willing to do so for their own monetary gain, if that makes sense. I realize that this is going to take more than a few sessions to lay every thing out, but god damn if theres no hope I want to here that!!

 

A good counselor is *not* going to blame it on you. Also a good counselor is not going to say this relatioship will work or not. The decision is *entirely* upto you. What they can do is show what has happened in a different way, also using techniques to make her open up.

 

A counselor won't or shouldn't string a couple along just for monentary gain. Most good counselors are booked weeks in advance. You'll more than likely go once a week, but it may take months to get anywhere.

 

As for her, she needs to STOP all contact. Not calling him and blaming him for this, or calling him asking him why she or he did this. That's just an excuse for her to make sure she is still in his mind. Right now she is confused just like you are.

 

Also actions speak louder than words right now. She can write everything under the sun, but when words have no meaning nothing she can write will make things better. Unfortunetly there is no *do over*. Every action has a consequence. You two after getting through much of the hurt, anger, resentment, etc.. will eventually face the *issues* why this happened. Right now you are just dealing with the *topics* (her cheating). Taking care of the issues will be the only way to make sure these *topics* don't happen again.

 

As for you, you can probably expect go through the 5 stages of grief (look it up on google.com). Even though she is alive, alot about her is dead to you. Thing is these 5 stages can happen at any time, and in any order. Also sometimes more than one can be going on at a time. *Triggers* will often set these off. Stuff from like him trying to contact her, her mentioning his name or even if you are watching a movie that has infedility in it.

 

Infedility really whacks a person out. It messes with you physically & emotionally. Eventually, if you two are true to each other and really want this to work you will get past this. There will be resolve and forgiveness and wanting to move forward together in your journey. However it will *only* start once you find a counselor. Try to find a good one this week. Contacting your local hospital for references is a good place to start.

[emopunk]

I can't really add much to what has already been stated, so I will re-iterate.

 

Counseling can help... if you both want it to. A counselor creates a dialogue between you and your wife. He won't blame you. He won't blame her. The problem really has nothing to do with blame. All that matters is getting to the root of what caused all this... and why things had to take the direction they did.

 

She seems sincere in her desire to repair the relationship. You seem to be greatly upset still, and rightfully so. I agree with the general concensus in that you are both in the very early stages of dealing with this. If she is willing, seek counsel. There is a reason why you both loved each other. There is a reason why she wants to get help. And there's a reason why you posted here.

 

It can work out. It will take a great deal of concession and love on both sides. Search yourself when you go to the counselor and see what you find.

[Owl]

Jmargel's advice in that last post is dead on the money friend.

 

You WILL be going through a lot...both physically and mentally for a while. I lost nearly 30lbs in the month or so after my wife's affair came out. It's a massive stress on your whole system...so try to take care of yourself when you can.

 

Also, I can absolutely understand why at this point you're not sure if you WANT to work it out or not. My suggestion is this...wait to make that decision. There is no reason to rush to any kind of conclusion...time in this case is now your ally. Hold off on doing anything permanent....and try to wait until you've begun to start coping with things. You're not able to at the moment....and that is not a failure on your part.

 

There is no reason for the wife to call and "confront" him about this...but there may well be a need to take some kind of drastic action to ensure that all contact ceases. An NC letter has been recommended a lot of times...where she drafts a letter basically telling him to go away and never come back under your supervision and support, and you BOTH send it to him so that he's got no confusion over what to expect.

 

There should be absolutely NO contact between them that you are not a part of. And ANY contact should be avoided if at all possible.

 

My suggestion...I don't recall seeing how long you've been married, but if it's been a good while, you might look back and think about what you two had long before all of this happened. One of the reasons my wife and I are going to make it through our situation...we've been married 17 years, and we had a good number of really awesome times in there. We know how good things can be when we're "in synch"...so its worth the work knowing what we've got to get back. Good luck friend!!

[fleafly]

We have a counselor. Our first session is on Wedsday, and I will post the results of that. I just have a bad feeling going in becouse Im not sure that she is willing to open herself to this, even though it was her idea. Its funny but about 8 or nine months ago, she wanted to go to counseling, and this was 4 months into her other relationship, so Im not sure she really understands what counseling is for!

 

In the meantime, I just signed a lease today, Im moving out. I think this is the best way to deal with this at this point. I think the time away from one another is the best way for her to realize if she truly wants this to work or not. I just hope theres is a place in my bed for me if/when I come back. I beginning to think that she believes that my reason for wanting to leave is to get back at her in some way, when I really feel that I am being punished for it by having to leave my kids. That is really the hardest part, how this is going to effect them. My four year old daughter went to school after this happened and announce to her class that her mommy has a boyfriend. Hearing that hurt almost as bad as all the other stuff.

[fleafly]

Owl, we have been together since we were both seventeen, married for 9 years, both 34. I should also add that this is NOT the first time this has happened, she had a brief fling with her boss when we were nineteen, he was like 30. I still really never got over that. A month ago when we went on our vacation, I brought THAT up, and this was before I knew about this. Thats one of the reasons Im so tore up about this, it was almost the exact same situation, me and her having some problems, and along comes some guy to say and do the right things at the right time, and she fell for it. I told her before we married that if she EVER had second thoughts about our relationship, to end it, becouse I never wanted to feel that way again. Fast forward 15 years later and here I am, only with two young kids and everything I worked for at stake.

[FolderWife]

fleafly! I like that name

 

I read MOST of what you posted. I'm curious as to what you're hoping to gain from staying in this relationship. What good can possibly come of it?

 

Fleafly That's fun to say fleafly

[Owl]

Fleafly-

 

Well, I've got to say that knowing that this is her SECOND affair changes my attitude a bit. NOW I can understand why you're willing to call it so "easily"... and in your shoes, I'd likely be doing the same thing.

 

It's obvious that she doesn't feel the same way about marriage that you do...I don't subscribe to the "once a cheat, always a cheat" rule you'll hear touted on LS...but I AM of the opinion of "TWICE a cheat, always a cheat" concept. One time can be horribly bad judgement coupled with a bad time in the marriage...twice indicates a pattern.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Boy....I;m not sure what to say.

 

2 times....once at 19 yo and then 15 years later. Problems in relationship....she confides to another man....OM uses this for his beneift....and an affair takes place. Textbook. From your wifes letter, it seems she is remorseful. She sees the light....and she hates what she has done. But it sounds like she wants to make it right......so its up to you to decide. I can only sujjest that you give it shot.....as hard as it may seem now to do that.....you may be glad you did in the end.

 

There is most definielty communication problems. That is something that must be overcome.

 

Fleafly....I see you are moving out....a decision made in the first 3 weeks of discovery. Not sure if you truely thought that out....or if it was a decision made from first feelings. But I am not you, so I dont know what I would have done.

 

But this is the second time of hurt for you.....man, I know that in my situ, I NEVER want to go thru this again.....and I hope I dont hve to. if my wife cheated again....man, I dont even want to think about that.

 

But you are on the right track with counseling. I am 6 months into recovery...and things are great. I have had MANY ups and downs. I am continuoning on the MC route. Actualy things are pretty good now...but i still have some slight doubt....but my faith and love for her is out wieghing that doubt. And in time I hope it goes away completely.

 

There has been alot of great advice here. But only you know how you feel. Only you can decide what you want. Trust will come in TIME. It will take alot of time. If you truley love your wife and want to try....they try with all your heart....forgiveness come in time.....its wether you want to put forht the effort. Do as OWL said.....remember all the good times you have had.....dont throw them away.....you at least should to try to make things right. After you exhausted all your energy and things dont work out....at least you know yuo tried 100%.

 

Its not your fault.....say focused on recovery....it will be hard....very hard. Time will tell...just try to give it some time. Inventory all your feelings....process them....feel them.....communicate them. After you complete you recovery journey....then make your decision to stay or go.

[fleafly]

Owl, the first time it happened, to be honest, I probably deserved it. I was really treating her like **** at the time, putting my friends and everyone else way before her. I mean when you are nineteen, some things seem alot more important in life, you know?!? The point I was trying to make was, it still hurt just as bad, and I tried to make it very clear to her before we married that I never wanted to go through that experience again, and she should have realized that now that I think of it, she knows that it took me years to even begin to trust her again.

 

But this time is sooo much different. The problems we had were directly do to our situation at the time. Finances for one, from going from always having money in the bank to not knowing how you are going to make your next house payment, or both being in college at the same time, trying to raise two kids and adjust your schedules accordingly, that in itself is going to put a strain on ANY marriage, I think. But I kept telling her to just hang on, a couple of years from now we will look back on this and laugh, kind of thinking along the lines of, if we can get through this, we can get through anything. Then I talk to her friend that knows about this the other night, and she tells me that my wife told her that she wasnt happy for years, and as soon as I was done with school she was planning on leaving. When I asked my wife about it, she says that she was just venting her frustrations and her friend took it literally. I dunno, it seems to me that the writing was on the wall for some time now(without my knowlege of course). i guess it will be interesting to see what happens on Wednesday, what a therapist will have to say about all of this!

 

Thumb I had to edit this , I was writing and you responded! Thank you for your kind words. I am moving out for two reasons, 1. I want to see if being apart makes her realize if she REALLY wants to be together, Im not really in the frame of mind to try something only to see 1 month from now that she doesnt want to continue. 2. being together right now just isnt healthy, all we have been doing is been having sex, like that is going to just make this go away. I bring something up, I get mad and start to yell, she starts to cry, and I feel bad for her, so I go to comfort her and we end up having sex. Then all I can think of while in the act is those two, so I cant you know what , and the cycle starts all over again. Over the weekend during one of these episodes I had what amounted to an anxiety attack so...need to get away for awhile, only signed a 3 month lease so Im not really thinking to far ahead at this point.

 

Well, Im off to school this evening, anyone have any advice on how to concentrate for more then 30 seconds?!?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by fleafly

Then I talk to her friend that knows about this the other night, and she tells me that my wife told her that she wasnt happy for years, and as soon as I was done with school she was planning on leaving. When I asked my wife about it, she says that she was just venting her frustrations and her friend took it literally. I dunno, it seems to me that the writing was on the wall for some time now(without my knowlege of course).

 

communication.

 

You will both half to truely communicate your feelings and where you stand. I wish you well. Good luck on Weds....its the start of a long process. If you have a sliver of hope and care for your mariage relationship...then give it time my friend.

[Owl]

Something else to remember...anything she said DURING the affair is all babble...it really doesn't mean much at all. During the affair, she was trying to do everything she could to justify what she was doing...and trying to justify it to HERSELF most of all. Take a look at marriagebuilders...you'll see that they talk quite a bit about this. During that time, she mentally "re-wrote" your marriage into something far, far worse than it really was. It's how she could make what she was doing seem more forgiveable somehow. ALL wandering spouses do this to some degree or another...my wife did too. She told me "I haven't been happy in years!". And that was just plain bull-doodoo. And guess what...once she got OUT of the affair...once she got over the "withdrawl" she felt for the other man, and started working on our marriage....she realized that it was BS too!

 

The "writing was on the wall"...is true. You had no idea that she was having an affair. How COULD you know what she was thinking???

 

Look...right now you're hurt. And almost all of us here have "been in your shoes". We know how tough that pain is to deal with...but we also know what's ahead of you too. (Sort of...we're not you or your wife...but we've all been down one path or another in this saga, and we've seen a LOT of other people's stories as well). That is why we keep telling you...MAKE NO LONG-TERM, OR IRREVOCABLE DECISIONS RIGHT NOW!!!

 

You've heard it from a few of us...don't give up and walk away yet. Your marriage may very well be over...but do you REALLY want to end it now, with the risk that you may regret not having given it your best efforts later?

 

GET TO COUNSELING...don't make any choices just yet. It won't cost you anything more at this point to bide your time to see what happens...but it may cost you quite a bit if you don't. You may get stuck paying for a lease for the next year on an apartment you'll never use. You may end things with her....and then later decide that it WAS worth salvaging, but you couldn't see that at the time because you were too hurt. Or...you may still decide that there is nothing worth saving...but why make that choice NOW if you don't have to? Especially if you still feel that there could be any love left between you.

 

Your call friend...I'm not "in your shoes". But I wore them once...they were damned uncomfortable, and I don't want them back...but I can say that I got the best possible use out of them that I could, and wore them with as much dignity as I could muster.