Needing Advice

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by fleafly

 

...need to get away for awhile, only signed a 3 month lease so Im not really thinking to far ahead at this point.

 

 

good on 3 months. maybe this time away is something good for both pf you. Maybe she will realize what she had.....but you may realize what you lost. The thing is....I had to live day by day....and it took me about 3 months to understand that....

 

all i can say is TIME.....you are just in the beginning. Stop, take a breath, and make each day a new day to live again...and go into this every day with a positive attitude. The next immediate 3 months will be life changing for both of you....but be positive about it. Negitive thoughts dont help....but you cant help but feeling them.....they didnt help me, but MC gave me tools to process them and change them.

 

TIME is all you got....make the best of it.

[fleafly]

You are right, the next couple of months will be the most important of my life, for sure. I do know this, whether we work thru this or not, she will always be the love of my life. I know for a fact that I will never love someone like I love her, nothing will ever change that. Ive been with her for half of my life, she's always been there to pick me up when Ive fallen down, and Ive fallen more times then Id like to admit. But Im also pretty sure that these feelings that I feel now, while they may soften a bit with time, they will never go away. I tried to explain to her the other day what I feel like inside; likening to the death of a person that you truly love, yet that person is still there in your life every day, haunting me. I came home from school tonight and my son handed me a picture of his family, four little sticjk figures and our dog, I got so emotional that I had to leave the room. God its so hard to stay focused when I have 2 kids who I know their lives are about to change, and I feel so powerless becouse I know theres nothing I do that can change this. Even if things do work out in the end, this is something that I know will effect them both.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by fleafly

Ive been with her for half of my life, she's always been there to pick me up when Ive fallen down, and Ive fallen more times then Id like to admit. But Im also pretty sure that these feelings that I feel now, while they may soften a bit with time, they will never go away. I tried to explain to her the other day what I feel like inside; likening to the death of a person that you truly love, yet that person is still there in your life every day, haunting me.[

 

I too have been with my wife for half my life. And the good times we had are keep here. The hurt will never leave me...I accept that. But I also use it as a tool to strive for something better for us. OWL said it once...."I dont want to go back to normal, casue normal got us to this point. I want to get to a better place". And that is my goal....move beyond this moment to a better place for our marriage relationship. But it takes the 2 of you....both giving 100%. Both being co-commited to each other. You and your wife are at a point where you have to make a decision....choose to leave and be on your own...or choose to stay and make relationship based on truth....learn to make it work. Kill your pride and let love back in.

 

 

I came home from school tonight and my son handed me a picture of his family, four little sticjk figures and our dog, I got so emotional that I had to leave the room. God its so hard to stay focused when I have 2 kids who I know their lives are about to change, and I feel so powerless becouse I know theres nothing I do that can change this. Even if things do work out in the end, this is something that I know will effect them both.

 

Man I know how that feel....I got 2 little ones to, and they are my motivation to stay and make things right. They deserve to live a happy family where mommy and daddy live together, show love and give love. I never wanted to raise kids in a divorce family....and I choose not too. I am going to make this work...I choosing to forgive and make things right.

 

There is something you can do to change this....TRY to forgive and make it right. Right now you have the worst thoughts in your head. But you can get thru them....thru faith and love....let it in, let it overcome your fear. Love is a very storng feeling and it can overcome your hurt...in time. Give a shot...stay focused, stay on the straight path. Make a life decision right now, that YOU will work thru this...you will get past these feelings of hurt and anger. CHOOSE to do this and it will come to you in time. It is working for me. My wife and I are choosing to focus on our relationship and our family. WE can show our children and set an exmaple that marriage and love can be fullfilling...

[fleafly]

Well Ive been thinking long and hard about the advice you all have given me, and I thank you all for that. After thinking things over all morning, I decided that if this was going to work, I was going to need absolute reassurance that all contact with OM was broken. I called my wife at work and yold her that I would like access to her cell phone records as a means to track this. She immediatley got upset about this, and said that she felt like a two year old.

 

So i called her again on her way home from work and she immediatley started saying how she was worried that she might have forgetten about something that she didnt remember( I get this alot, i forgot, i dont remember, i dont know). So I asked why she thought she had to worry since she already told me that they havent talked since this all came out. So shes says that she did call him and left a nasty message becouse of some of the things he told his wife. Then she says that she "forgot" that she called him becouse she was so mad. Im at the point now where I dont even know why I care anymore. All this lying is still going on and yet she cries to me to stay?? And why the **** would she care what he's saying to his wife any way?? Im not even sure if Im gonna go to counseling tomorrow, hell I can stay at home and listen to her lies and save $200 at the same time.

[Owl]

Go to the counseling tomorrow. Because THE COUNSELOR should be able to get her to understand WHY she's got to be honest with you about all that's gone on. See, that's part of the "issue" right now. You're wife knows that you're hurt...and that everything you say or do is tinged with that hurt. But...the counselor doesn't have a vested interest in any of this. It's simply their job to help you both to overcome this and to heal...they have no reason to judge her. So she is a LOT more likely to open up to a counselor...and even to you...since she should be able to count on the counselor to keep things as civil as they can be in this.

 

Realize that she can't possibly understand what you're going through right now...and she probably never will. That's why the counseling is so important too...because now she can understand WHY you need to know what happened, to a degree the counselor should be able to help you both to understand WHY you react the way you do, what to expect in the future, and to provide you both with some coping skills to help you deal with things while you're trying to mend your relationship.

 

From HER perspective...she screwed up. She made the biggest mistake she has ever made in her life. And she got caught at it. She's feeling a HUGE amount of embarassment about the whole thing...and a tremendous amount of guilt as well. She wishes it had never happened...that it would all just "go away". And that's what she's trying to make happen. It can't...but she isn't able to see that at the moment. So...she 'forgets'. She 'doesn't remember'...and on some things, she might not. Because she's actively working TOO forget them. Like I said, she's feeling guilty...for having gone outside the marriage like she's done, for betraying you, for hurting you. She's embarrassed...after all, only 'bad girls' do something like this, don't they?? 'Good girls' wouldn't ever do something like this. So she just wants it to go away. And she doesn't want the full details to come out in the open...after all, that will show just how 'bad' she is, won't it?

 

Should she get her way in this? NO! But if you're able to see WHY she's doing what she's doing, you're better armed to counteract her efforts. TALK with the counselor about what I've said...with her present. See...that's the big thing. NO MORE LIES. NO MORE SECRETS. Communication and honesty have to be the new watchwords in your marriage.

 

So go to counseling armed with the understanding of what's going through her emotions right now...she's not thinking clearly, but that doesn't keep her from reacting to the "threat" of all of this coming out into the light. And use that knowledge to get from her what you NEED...to heal. MAKE her see what you need to heal...MAKE her know it. And MAKE IT HER RESPONSIBILITY to work with you and to HELP you to heal.

 

THEN decide what to do about your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

She's not ready to own up and come clean...She's terrified you will leave her...She doesn't want to hurt you more than she already has and is ducking out of the way - putting it on you now...

 

I called my wife at work and yold her that I would like access to her cell phone records as a means to track this. She immediatley got upset about this, and said that she felt like a two year old.

 

My suggestion right now if you can...PRINT out DazednConfused thread and GIVE it to her to read. ALL of it, yeah it is long but I really think your wife could benefit afew wake up calls and SEE what the F she has done.

 

I know this is hard for you Flea, but really try and rise above it, give her some time to get used to coming clean...Really get after her and Don't give up. This is not about the pain and where it's heading in the future. This is INFORMATION you need to have, HAVE to have so YOU can go on and deal with your own pain that she caused you.

 

Listen to what Owl says too, go to therapy and work on yourself...This therapist will help alot, with you alone and when you both go together eventually. The sooner the better...She's messed up, feeling guilty and caught in lies and doesn't know what to do now. Like a bug in a spider web I guess...

 

Hang in there and I'm thinking of ya...Hugs!!

 

WWIU

[fleafly]

Thank you! I posted immediately after hanging up the phone, a little to emotional! I will go to therapy tomorrow, Ill let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

[whichwayisup]

Your welcome - and flea, that is the best way to post- not thinking and just letting it all out...I'm sure you felt abit of a weight off your shoulders after writing it out?? Maybe, maybe not...But when you write like that it's pure honesty and straight from your heart.

 

Good luck tomorrow.

[Cecelius]

I think you've gone above and beyond for her, frankly, and you seem to have a plan to get through it with class and dignity.

 

But man to man, dignity is pretty much what was taken from you. Staying in a cabin leased from him? I'm sure there are thousands of other things like that that will/could come up.

[fleafly]

Actually Celcelius, the cabin was actually one that he and his wife leased for years, its actually where they met, if I remember correctly. They bought a cabin on the other side of the lake, and since they already paid for the cabin for the summer, we just paid them the balance. This is one of the things that I have a hard time dealing with though spending the whole simmer as a family while this was going on. He also told his wife after this came out that he tried to break things off in July, and my wife was so hysterical about it, that he felt sorry for her and let it continue. My wife denies this ever happened of course.

[fleafly]

Well Im off to counseling in about an hour, had a very fulfilling 3 hours of sleep last nite, about my average as of late. Im not feeling to good about going to be honest, Im not too sure if its just too early, or if this thing is really worth the effort of staying. Last nite I got access to wifes cell phone bills, I almost wish know that I havent. I know some of you said to just let go of the past and concentrate on the now, bit I was just trying to verify if some of the things she told me were actually true. Turns out they were not, as usual. She told me that things were broken off in mid-December, from the 15th until the 31st, there were 31 calls, so 2 a day. Does this sound like things were broken off? I havent seen January's bill yet, but she told me to expect the same. There were also still meeting, although she said it was only as friends? So it goes from her telling me that she decided to break things off and try to work on us, to her calling him 2 times a day and still seeing him. She also said(notsure if I mentioned this already) that she hadnt called him since this happened, then she tells me that she called him and left him a message becouse of the things he was telling his wife.

 

I just not sure if I can walk into a therapists office right now without just exploding. I had an incident in my car(with both kids) the other day where I inadvertently cut somebody off, when we came to a stoplight, I rolled my window down to apoligize and the guy started freaking on me so I got out, opened his passenger door and tried to drag him out and beat him. That was nice right in front of the police station. I thought about the look of terror in this guys eyes when I got home and just lost control(again).

 

I dont know I think my emotions are a little to tightly strong to go through with this, if I get my courage up and go I'll update later tonite.

 

Oh and Cel, to answer your question, no I dont have a plan right now, just as lost in this as ever. Oh and before I forget, does anyone know if Moose stay posts in here, Ive been reading some of his input in here, I would really like it if he could tell me his thoughts on this....

[Owl]

What you need to do friend is to put a flat HALT on their communication. You'd mentioned that his wife knows about this, yes? Then call her, and let her know what you've just found out. The thing about affairs is that they normally don't last at all when everything is out in the open like that. I'm sure SHE's probably convinced your wife is calling him...if she even knows that they're still in contact. Offer to send her copies of the bill if she'd like to see them.

 

Your wife, together with you, needs to draft a letter to him telling him that it is OVER. And then she needs to BREAK OFF CONTACT. PERIOD. She's still letting this happen...that's not how you show someone you love them and want to work things out with them.

 

Bring this up in the counseling session tonite...and bring up the whole honesty issue. HOW can you rebuild (at your wife's request???) your marriage while she's still out there tearing it down by lying and continuing to see him?!?!

 

Keep posting friend...and keep working on it...right now, there's not much you can do, since she's still going on with it. Do your best to get the contact to end...and be prepared to deal with her withdrawl when it does end. THEN you can work together with her to start repairing the damage she's done...but not much you can do but grit your teeth and dig your heels in til then.

 

Good luck!

[jmargel]

I'm sure counseling will do quite a bit, but it will take quite awhile to get anywhere. Don't expect miracles in your first session. Also, most insurance companies will cover the counseling.

 

She's lying because either she doesn't want to lose you or she is embrassed by all of this. If she told you to expect the same for the month of January, then you can be assured that if they 'broken' up, it was just recently. Until she comes completely clean with you nothing will get resolved. I just hope that the counselor is good enough to make her do this.

[fleafly]

Well, back from session number one. Not much to talk about, it was more of asking why we were seeking help, each of us got to to answer without interruppting one another(HA!), then since wifes insurance is covering this, he had to set it up as a single therapy session so it would be covered, so I had to leave the room so he could ask her some confidential questions? He did say that everything she told him would not be kept from me, but it was still kind of strange. Oh well, I agreed to go back and give it a try, some of the things he said to me were the EXACT same things that have been said in here, as far as its to early to make a rational decision either way, as far as if I wanted to continue on or not. I also told him that I was moving out and gave him my reasons for this, he seemed to agree that it wouldnt hurt, so... I feel better about that....

 

Owl, his wife does know about this, I spent the time in the car waiting for the wife talking to her on the phone. We've been in contact since this happened, we have been kind of leaning on each other, shes as devasted as I am about this, no sleep, anxiety, throwing up. She feels at this point that her marriage is over, she doesnt want him back. OM has been very truthful and honest to her, he is seeing a priest for support, is in counseling, and even called every person on both sides of their family to tell them what happened and how sorry he is. He even told her that MW called and left a message for him, geez the honesty is killing me over there!!

 

We kind of compared notes, seeing what each person is saying to one another, then she told me that the night this happened, my wife called him and asked him that if I left her, and his wife left him, could they still be together? W denies ever saying this, my bone to chew on tonite I guess...

[whichwayisup]

Hey Flea, well atleast now you are getting some answers. You need it and she has to give it to you.

 

You both took the first step, so just stick with it. Take it day by day or hour by hour if you have to.

 

Keep in touch with the OM wife is a good idea. If he calls her, she will let you know and you will do the same as well, if he calls your wife.

 

It does seem that it could be your wife hanging on. The reason may be, and I'm so sorry to say this, but she needs closure and I bet she hasn't gotten it from him. Once that occurs, and you should be part of that closure WITH her, included in what is said to him either by email or phone call (you can be on the other extension) then she can be more open with you.

 

She prob. is terrified to tell you any sort of detail because she thinks you will leave. You love her, tell her, but say you're hurt and angry with what she did, but she is still your wife. I'm sure others will touch on this too.

 

Try and get some rest tonight...

[fleafly]

well, another sleepless nite for me. Ive been thinking long and hard about what happened with the visit to MC yesterday. The first thing he asked me was, "why are you here?". And the first thing that came out of my mouth was, I have no idea, I dont want to be here, and I dont want to be in this marriage anymore. I then told him that I was there as a common courtesy to my wife, when really the ONLY reason I was there was to see if it was actually possible for her to be honest about this whole thing. He then told me that even if I was thing on the grounds that even if there was a 50/50 chance that I wanted to work things out that 50 percent was worth fighting for. I told him it was more like 80/20.

 

So when we got home, me and the wife talked for a while and I told her what I was really feeling, once again trying to convey to her how badly I was hurt by this and I really wasnt sure at this point if time or even counseling would beable to bring me back. I also told her that I would like her to write a NC letter to him explaining in no uncertain terms was she ever to see or contact one another again. She agrred to write it while I was at school last nite. Well I left the room and ten minutes later she comes out and says something along the lines of, whatever happens I dont ever want you to fell sorry for me. I just answered "dont worry about that" just becouse of the cold way she said it.

 

Anyways, this morning I wanted to start making arrangements as far as our bills and stuff like that since I am moving out, We discussed the fact that she isnt going to need a cell phone anymore, and this was one of the MANY things that needed to be cut off( with me in school and collecting disability, money was tight as it was, adding a 500 dollar apartment is not going to be easy). So she immediately starts ranting about how she needs it becouse, what if something happens on the road and I need to call for help and all this other ****. So I go online to show her the bill for the last month, and lo and behold theres January's bill. Before I get to that, Ill just say that the her cell phone bill for December and January was $230 dollars!! So I start running down the bill once again. It might sound starnge to some, but if you recall, since she told me things were broken off in Mid-december, the period from that point is very crucial to me, as this is the time that she tells me that she was trying so hard to reconnect with me( she tried so hard, that we had sex ONCE during this time, and that was when we were in Negril for New Years, and if I had to decribe it, I would use the word awful, almost like she was thinking of someone else). Which brings up the cell phone bill. We returned from Negril on Jan 5. Less then an hour aftyer we got home, she tells me that she has to run up to the store. Guess who she calls an hour after we get home from vacation? Doesnt call her mom or dad to tell her she made it back safe. So, in the two weeks from the time we got back from vacation until this all came out, 37 MORE phone calls, once again these are only calls from her cell phone, when I ask her about that she says, well, he always called me at work, when he was at work. He also had her direct connect number at her work, something I was never priveliged enough to have apparently, I would have to get transfered 5 times just to get ahold of her at the hospital she works at. Oh and the harsh message that she said she left on his voice mail at work? That call lasted 9 minutes. Anyone ever left a 9 minute message before? Is that even possible?!?

 

At this point, I really have no hope left at all, as far as this marriage is concerned. I took her ring back, as well as smashing her cell phone. If she doesnt want to cancel her service, oh well. I have come to the point of believing that some marriages just cannot be saved, based on divorce rates in this country, I dont think there is no arguing with that. I feel nothing but hatred and contempt for her right now, to the point where I dont believe she is even worthy of being the mother to my kids. I know that this might be just a stage I am going through at the moment, but..... I really dont think so.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Fleafly...only you know what is best. All I can suggest is give the MC a few more sessions....

[fleafly]

TMW, yea, I know I should probably know whats best, but I dont. I have absolutely no love for her right now, and I can honestly say that I havent felt that before. After this happened this afternoon, I left the house in a rage, a few blocks down the road, I apparently blew through a stop sign. a couple minnutes later I heard sirens behind me, I had no idea what was going on, I assumed that my wife called the cops becouse I left in her suv. The cop believed me becouse he sadi he had been following me with his lights on for 3 blocks. I explained to him what was going on, that I had just left my wife, trying to control my emotions but the tears started falling down my face. He looked at me and told me that he knew what I was going through, that HE had gone through it before and he knew the pain I felt. He let me go with a warning but told me that I shouldnt be driving in such a state of mind. I was like , yea tell me about it. I dont know, I guess at this point I would rather be alone and be miserable then be with with her and feel the same way. At this point Im sick and tired of this controlling my life, Ive never had something grip me like this before, no matter how hard I try, it wont let go.

[Moose]

Fleafly,

 

I apologize for not posting earlier, I got pretty slammed at work all of a sudden.

 

Boy, I really can't tell you from personal experience what I'd do if I were in your shoes. I can tell you what I read into this.

 

This whole problem revolves around your wife's infidelity......this is the root of the problem. Every problem has a cause, and a solution. The first step to a solution for this problem, ( only my opinion ), is to find out what caused it in the first place. The only way to do that is through communication. It's obvious, ( and I'm not meaning to insult you ), it's obvious that you two don't know how to talk to eachother. So I agree with the counceling until you two are brought to a level playing field again, and learn how to communicate with each other without help.

 

That being said, let me explain to you what I mean about an even playing field.....first something caused her to be unfaithful to you. I'm not saying that it's totally your fault, or that you were found lacking in one area or another. But somehow, something got lost that used to be there for her.

 

Based on what you said, your injury, and your financial situation because of it, with both of you going to school, and her, not you, your wife is working full time. That's a rough life, for anyone. She's got the weight of the world on her shoulders. I think she lost support from you somewhere along the way, when she should've been encouraged, even pampered when she had a chance to be home.

 

So in retrospect, you both allowed a hole, or two, in your protective bubble protecting your marriage. So she sought outside of the marriage to fill that hole, and ultimatley went too far, and commited the adultry.

 

You find out about it when you found her journal. You're furious, you're hurt, you can't believe it. So you of course challenge her with it. Your not even thinking about what could've possibly been the cause of this. Naturally she's going to confess, promise that it's over, when it really isn't, and beg for forgiveness.

 

Then it rides like that until you're where you're at today. Basically, she's been keeping her guard up in the event that you won't take her back......really. That's why you're getting the lies, and the phone records going against what she's told you. Don't get her wrong though. She's trying hard as hell to win you back, but the phobia of being alone all of a sudden scares the living shyte out of her. So she's using this guy only as a back up.

 

She doesn't have that warm fuzzy feeling that you're sincere about forgiving her and moving on to repair the damage. If you want this to work, you have to make her understand that you do forgive her, (if indeed you do), and you took all the wrong she's done, and buried it into the deepest depths of the sea, never to retrieve them again. Then, and only then, will she feel comfortable enough to focus 110% on you, and let this other guy go for good.

 

The only way this is ever going to work, is for the both of you to forgive each other, make it known that you'll never bring it up again, and start a new.

[Owl]

Time Fleafly....it's like when you first get a serious burn. That pain is so intense that it consumes EVERYTHING...it's all you can think about. But...as it starts to heal (let's not talk about itching under bandages! ), that pain DOES lessen, and you begin to be able to focus more on other things. I'm not going to lie...it's still on your mind a LOT for quite a while. But, the pain DOES lessen...more and more as things start to come back together as well.

 

When my wife and I were in your state, I went for walks. LONG, FAST walks. I was covering in the area of 6-10 miles per night for about two weeks. That, coupled with the not eating/not able to keep it down, I lost almost 30 lbs in that time frame. But I didn't get into any tickets, or accidents!

 

I can seriously understand your anger right now...your wife continues to lie to you constantly, even in the face of contradictory evidence. The comment was made earlier...she's STILL not let go of the OM. You need to make that your KEY FOCUS for the moment....she HAS to end all contact. I'd suggest that you have a conference call with all FOUR of the people involved...and work with HIS wife to lay down the LAW. And you know what...start talking about CONSEQUENCES for lies and for breaking the NC rules. As in...if you lie to me about it again, your a$$ is on the curb...I'm not out of the house...YOU ARE!!

 

The longer she keeps this farce of trying to work things out with you, but lying constantly in the process, the longer and more difficult it's going to be for you to heal...and if it keeps up, it's very possible that you WON'T heal. Have you asked her if she's given THAT any thought yet? If she's STOPPED and THOUGHT about what the continuing lying is doing to her chances of ever keeping you in her life again are??? If not, give her a reality check.

 

Good luck friend. I mean that!!

[whichwayisup]

Flea...

 

I think you leaving the house is a good thing for now. In time with more sessions and more time to digest wtf has happened you will probably feel differently. You can't make any huge life altering decisions right now - good or bad. The rollercoaster as many say on here, and that is what you're experiencing.

 

Just take it one day a time for now.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad Fleafly.

[fleafly]

Moose, thank you for your thoughts, it means alot, which is why I asked you here! You are right, the root of all of this IS her infidelity. Im just having a hard time figuring out why I have to except the blame for this. The last couple years have been very tough, but at the same time I was the one constantly having to remind her that we COULD get through this. Its her selfishness that made this happen, not mine. I was the one that sustained this injury at work. To her, it was the financial shortfall that concerned her the most, forget about the fact that my carreer was basically over, and I would have to basically start my life over. Forget the fact that that I AM the one that is in constant pain every waking hour, and lets forget the fact that every time I would ask her to rub my back to relieve the stiffness she would always say, why should I ,you never give me backrubs? looking back now everything was always about her, its also funny that she always wanted a family, and to have kids. I resisted this at first, as I really dint feel that I was ready or even wanted kids. After we did, I was kicking myself for not wanting kids earlier, and suddenly it was if she never wanted to have kids in the first place. Im not saying that she doesnt love our kids, thats not even close to being the truth, but once she went back to school, at almost 30, it was like she wanted to be 18 all over again.

 

At this point, I was happy and content to just stay at home with the kids, and even though I WAS THE ONE watching the kids while she went out with her new found 21 year old friends, she would show resentment to me, saying " you never want to go out, you dont want to do this our that, so I would have to remind that someone had to watch the kids, with both of us going to school, our babysitting was being strecthed to the max. Again, only thinking about herself. She now says, our kids love me more then her, well I wonder ****ing why?? Im just at the point now where it, forget the whole affair thing(yea right, dont say it I already know) but is this person someone I really want to be with?? BTW she now says that she realizes this, how selfish she has been, but before it was resentment, which led to the affair??

 

And Owl, yea Ive asked her that time and again, I think that she is so used to lying to me that by now its really second nature. Its like there are two of her now, ever since this came out shes been remorseful, yet lying to me at the same time, how could she expect me to understand that she doesnt want to hurt me anymore then she has? Wouldnt that be like beheading someone after they are dead? When I talked to OW yesterday, she told me that from what she heard from OM, it sounded like MW is the most needy selfish person on this planet. And there will be no conference call, OW wants nothing to do with MW. As for OM, there will be no words when we finally meet, which will happen, just at a time of my choosing, since my wife warned him to wacth his back

[fleafly]

Well, I havent posted since Friday, figured I would update the situation. I finally moved out of the house, and while I do believe I made the right decision, I definately picked the wrong place to live. Its amazing but just three weeks ago I thought life was pretty good, now Im living in a crackhouse. Funny how life works, right? I had to break down and come home last nite, the people in the apartment above me partied all nite Saturday, they must of ran out of stuff last night, as a huge brawl erupted, the cops came and I split. Although this apartment supposed to be secure, the door is literally left open, I went up and closed and locked it a couple of times only to find it unlocked later, people come and go as they please...

 

Besides that, I am really having a hard time with my wife and her lying. From my other postings Imsure you all are aware of my disturbance of her cell phone records, when she tried to tell me things were broken off, yet to find thirty something phone calls in the two weeks leading up to my discovery. The thing that pissed me off the most was the call she made the nite we returned from Negril when she said she had to run to the store an hour after we returned home. When I asked her about this, she said that she just called to let him know we(she) made it home ok. Well after checking her bill again, and realizing she had text messaging, I checked that as well. Seems like she was sooo worried to let him know she made it home, she text message him as soon as we landed!!Just friends though. when I add up the amount of call AND the text messages, I honestly believe that, it was true that things were broken off, but I now believe that OM was the one that did this, and this was something that SHE did not want.

 

She also has a hard time as to why I want to continue to talk to OM wife. This has a been very valuable resource to me, as to her as well, as we have been "there " for each other in a messed up kind of way. Although it is sometimes hard to discuss the details, its nice to see what our spouses are saying at this point, and its funny becouse while he seems to be telling the truth, my wife just cannot, which is why I think this really bothers her. I also discussed with my wife about a NC letter, I feel that this is important for the OW to have, becouse I feel that even though my marriage may be ruined becouse of this, I think that if anything, maybe theirs could be saved. My wife has almost, I dont want to say refused, but she has been reading a book that explains why and how this should be done, and she tells me that this isnt the way SHE WANTS to write it, that she has other things that she would like to say (back to the selfish, only me ways, of course).

 

I also told my wife that while I am out of the house, I would like to see other people, as a means of trying to figure out if this is what I truely want. She flipped out, immediatley assuming that all I want to do is sleep with someone else to get back at her or whatever, I had to sting her a little bit and tell her that seeing other people doesnt neccessarily equate to meeting some one in a motel room during their lunch. So I am curious as to what everyones comments are not only on this subject, but everything above. Do you think this was really over? I mean, if you saw the cell phone bill with the calls and tm, it looked almost obsessive to me. Thanks for the support all, much appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

She's not seeing the whole picture yet...She's still hanging on and isn't ready to let this OM go.

 

My suggestion would tell the OM's wife that HE should draw up a NC letter and have it sent to your wife. Maybe if she is on the receiving end of it - IT will hit her that it's completely over and she must not contact him in anyway whatsoever.

 

She's being selfish, you got that right and from the sounds of it still wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

As for you going on dates during this....Hmmm, well, why are you really doing that? Either way you aren't going to get involved with anybody seriously - and even if you DO happen to meet someone wonderful, you have tons of emotional baggage right now...Just from where I sit Fleafly, it could make it all worse...I don't know...Maybe the others will see it differently....But doing this could just push her away even more.

 

She needs a wake up call though either way - SO then again, maybe doing this show her you're doing this for you.

 

Good luck and glad you got out of that bad living space! Not a good safe place for you to be in.

 

WWIU

[fleafly]

WWIU, good advice, although its not really doing anything for me. I mean, why, at this point should I even hold on?? To me it seems as though as she NEEDED him to need me, if that makes any sense at all. I tried explaining that to her yesterday, asking her why she thinks she wants and needs me so bad at this point. meaning that I think the only reason she wanted to be with me was because of him, and the only reason she thinks she wants to be with me is becouse its all she thinks she has left at this point. well forget that, Im not being some runner up, which is the way she has been making me feel as of late - sorry have to cut this short, running late dammit!