Needing Advice

[whichwayisup]

It's hard as actions DO speak louder than words at times...I feel for you on that and I don't understand what she is doing.

 

Keep reading D's book, use this as a guide with your wife. I know you're tired and hurting - probably ready to throw in the towel. Take it hour by hour if need be.

 

I don't know what injury you've had or what shape you are in now, but maybe join a gym, play your favourite sport to channel out that negative energy. By changing the focus and allowing her to sort things out abit more emotionally and slightly backing off actually could work in your favour.

 

I don't know what to say about you seeing OP. How did she react? Just be really careful as bunny mentioned some good points there.

 

Ask yourself this...Can you see yourself with her 5 years from now? Growing older together? Do you think she can be the woman that you once loved and trusted? Obviously these thoughts have gone through your head too. I wish I could do more to help you but all I can say is if you still feel that love for her, let her find herself again. She needs to do therapy on her own and find out WHY she is the way she is. What happened and how to fix herself. Lying and deceiving is just not a normal thing to do.

 

My Thoughts are with ya today Flea!

[fleafly]

Well, I just hung up the phone with my mom. My wife called her the other nite and told her the truth about what was going on, a condensed version anyways. God it feels so good to finally tell someone that I love how I am feeling. The reason that my parents split up was because of an affair, and she knows and realizes what I am going through, that really helped me, I feel almost cleansed, although I know this feeling wont last.

 

I know what you are saying about seeing other people, but to be honest, it feels really good . I have been up front and honest about my current situation, as far as being seperated, and not knowing which way I am going, and that Im not looking for anything long term. Apparently some women dont seem to mind this, without getting into specifics. i guess I try to justify it by reminding myself that I didnt ask to be put in this situation, nor did I want it. Im refuse to sit in this ****ty apartment, and feel sorry for myself, the best therapy I have gotten is by going out and meeting people, its the only thing I have found that gets this off of my mind, it really works, but only temporarily. How did the wife react? She hacked my email account, took all of the numbers out of my phone, started using the kids against me, had my son call me and leave a message saying as soon as your done screwing that woman, call me back, stuff like that. All of this was going on while I was having dinner with someone, spilling my guts out to her, with her telling me that it sounds like I really love my wife, and that we should be in counseling.

 

As far as my kids, they resent ME for this. My daughter, who is 4, told me the other day that she hated me, for no reason at all. I have gotten this from her a few times, her telling me she wishes I would leave and never come back. This KILLS me. My son is 7 and he is handling it much better, but only because I can explain to him that things are not going well between us, and that time apart might change this. God I love my kids so much. it kills me inside knowing that I might not be able to be there for them like I should.

 

WWIU, I suffered a back injury at work 5 years ago. The dics in my lower back are almost completely gone, I am pain all of the time. I have had non evasive surgery to burn out all of the nerve ending in my back, which has helped me some, but they are now regenerating. My only other option is to have a fusion and I have heard to many bad things about it- plus it is irreversable, so I am trying to wait for new technoligies and procedures that will help me with this, medications work but there are to many side effects(see Vioxx, I was on it for 2 years).

I have been working out since this has happened doing 200 pushups and situps everyday, walking the treadmill etc.

[Owl]

Fleafly-

 

While I can completely understand the hurt and pain you've gone through from your wife's affair, I'm gonna be "brutally honest" with you here.

 

You sound to me like you're really just wanting to hurt your wife as much as she hurt you. I can't imagine any other reason for dating while you're still married, and trying to decide what you're going to do next with your marriage. Revenge...pure and simple. Dating someone else is in no way going to give you any kind of insight on what to do in your marriage.

 

Bluntly, if this is what you want to do, then at least divorce your wife and make it clear that it's totally over between you. THEN start dating. Just because she's done something to hurt you does NOT make it right for you to in effect go out and (even just emotionally) do the same thing. If you're still totally given over to the anger, or if you've made no progress (it doesn't sound like it) in trying to even want to work at it, then quit giving her any kind of false hope. End your marriage and drive on. But to start dating while you're still trying to decide....no way that should happen. At this point, I am starting to think that SHE should leave YOU.

 

As far as the kids are concerned, well, take a minute and look at this situation from their eyes. I'm guessing that they've been told something of what's going on. So, probably their understanding from what they've got is something like this..."Mommy did something really bad that hurt Daddy a lot. She's wanting to help Daddy to deal with it, and she's really sorry that it happened, but Daddy moved out and he doesn't want to do anything to come back. He won't even try to forgive Mommy for what she did." That's probably all the further their reasoning has gotten.

 

I'm sure you've found this post quite offensive. But I really do think that you're going out of your way to make this situation far worse, rather than to do anything to help. You need to see that...and either end your marriage, or get off your butt and work with your wife to fix it. It's time for YOU to get off the fence.

[fleafly]

Owl, I am not offended by your candid honesty at all, in fact I welcome it! I am realizing that doing this was a mistake, especially after talking to my mom this morning. I am not proud of it at all, just ask Dazed, I sent him a pm explaining my actions and the guilt I felt, as I was to embarrassed to come in here. That said the person I am currently seeing is only a FRIENDSHIP, do you think that is a problem(be honest!!). She can relate to my situation, as she has been there herself, and I cannot tell you how nice it has been to be able to talk to someone that understands how I feel, in person. Sometimes my words or feelings get misconstrued in here, some times because its what Im feeling at that exact moment or sometimes because there are things that are just to painful to relive or talk about.

 

And I am sure that you realize how I am feeling at this moment, you have been on the ride yourself, probably still are. And I know that I still have love for my wife, which is the hardest thing for me to deal with, having to let go of someone that means the world to me. WHY WOULD I WANT TO LET GO OF THAT?? I cant figure it out, I have no answer. That said, if my wife loves me so much, why does she keep pushing me away from her, too many questions, no answers. Thanks OWl, I appreciate your candor, keep it coming! I wish I could write more but the cable guy just showed up!

[whichwayisup]

Flea, I just spent 20 mins or so writing you a longie and when I went to post it to ya, it f**k'n disappeared!!!

(I should always do a quick control C just incase! Lesson learned! )

 

I will write more this afternoon but I wanted to let you know I read what you wrote today. I can say right now your wife needs to OWN UP to her mistakes. Yes, seeing someone else during this situation on your behalf is not the greatest idea - But - It is something that is helping you. Unfortunately it backfired and she flipped out by invading YOUR email and setting the kids against you...That totally makes my blood boil! Good thing is kids love their mommy's and daddy's unconditionally and you DO know your daughter doesn't hate you. She is just reacting to the negative energy that is around her. Your son, well, I'm ashamed of your wife for setting him up to call you and say those things into the phone. (I Hope she comes and reads LS once in a while!!) I'm pissed off for you that she could stoop that low.

 

Ok well I"m on a roll now so I might as well continue and try to remember what I wrote before.

 

She is deflecting all the blame on you now (you made yourself a target in her eyes) and she will make you pay for it. Seems that way anyway doesn't it? I understand the need to be heard, understood, companionship and to be needed. Friends are friends, but be very careful about how it looks to her and your kids. They won't understand, nor should they have to right now. Your wife is playing this for all it is worth so watch out.

 

She needs to go to MC and get her s*** together FAST. Otherwise she is gonna lose out on a wonderful man.

 

WWIU, I suffered a back injury at work 5 years ago. The dics in my lower back are almost completely gone, I am pain all of the time. I have had non evasive surgery to burn out all of the nerve ending in my back, which has helped me some, but they are now regenerating. My only other option is to have a fusion and I have heard to many bad things about it- plus it is irreversable, so I am trying to wait for new technoligies and procedures that will help me with this, medications work but there are to many side effects(see Vioxx, I was on it for 2 years).

I have been working out since this has happened doing 200 pushups and situps everyday, walking the treadmill etc.

 

My therapist has the same problem as you (A tree fell on her) and she refused the operation as well as it was just too risky. She lives with the pain everyday but knows atleast she can walk and be active instead of possibly being in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. I feel for ya, that must be really awful at times! Yuk.

 

Don't feel embarressed ever. We are all here for you flea. Noone is judging you, only want to help you. Mistakes are just a part of life. Keep your eyes open and head clear during this time...You got some real great pals (Owl, Dazed) to boot you in the butt when they see ya slipping! ) So no hard feelings ever!! Don't worry!

 

Take it easy.

[whichwayisup]

She can relate to my situation, as she has been there herself, and I cannot tell you how nice it has been to be able to talk to someone that understands how I feel, in person. Sometimes my words or feelings get misconstrued in here, some times because its what Im feeling at that exact moment or sometimes because there are things that are just to painful to relive or talk about.

 

It is easier to talk to those who have gone through similar situations as you. Just be really careful that this woman doesn't fall for you Flea. She may not intend to but her feelings could develope for you. (Women are just like that eh.)

 

It also is so easy to misread things written down. I know this and so does everybody else. Intend one thing but reads a complete different way. Sometimes good sometimes bad.

 

Maybe talking to her on the phone is better than face to face right now?? Just a suggestion?

 

Just love your kids, show them and just be with them...The rest will fall into place. I don't have children so I can't comment too much on that situation...All I know is they love no matter what.

[Owl]

Originally posted by fleafly

Owl, I am not offended by your candid honesty at all, in fact I welcome it! I am realizing that doing this was a mistake, especially after talking to my mom this morning. I am not proud of it at all, just ask Dazed, I sent him a pm explaining my actions and the guilt I felt, as I was to embarrassed to come in here.

 

Good! The first step in fixing any problem is recognizing when you've made a mistake. Now, take that further...what do you need to do to FIX it? Plan it out...and make it happen.

 

That said the person I am currently seeing is only a FRIENDSHIP, do you think that is a problem(be honest!!). She can relate to my situation, as she has been there herself, and I cannot tell you how nice it has been to be able to talk to someone that understands how I feel, in person. Sometimes my words or feelings get misconstrued in here, some times because its what Im feeling at that exact moment or sometimes because there are things that are just to painful to relive or talk about.

 

YES!!!! I do feel it is a mistake! And here is why....

 

Do you know how emotional affairs start? They start by opposite sex friends sharing each others lives...that in itself is harmless enough. But, without boundaries, if you're not damned careful....it is easy for that to lead to something more. ESPECIALLY when you're already in a bad emotional state! And the LAST thing you want to do is to start commiserating with an opposite sex friend about problems in your relationship...or with hers. Because that is almost always where an emotional affair begins. (I'm not saying that it always leads to an affair...but, it can...and given your already emotional state...)

 

You know how I got to this board? My wife was unhappy/depressed with how things were going in our house (issues with me, with the kids, her own depression)...started sharing her feelings with another man she met online....

 

Maybe you can have a friendship with this woman later....but not right now! You don't start repairing your marriage by emotionally investing ANYTHING in someone else. You start by fixing your marriage...and working on how to start relating back to your wife...not with someone else.

 

And I am sure that you realize how I am feeling at this moment, you have been on the ride yourself, probably still are. And I know that I still have love for my wife, which is the hardest thing for me to deal with, having to let go of someone that means the world to me. WHY WOULD I WANT TO LET GO OF THAT?? I cant figure it out, I have no answer.

I don't know...but I do know that someone can only take being pushed away for so long, and then they'll quit coming back. Your wife made a MAJOR mistake. She's apparently tried to own up to it, work it out, and do what she can to salvage your marriage. But none of that will work unless YOU start working on it too. And up to this point, I've not seen ONE SINGLE THING that you've done to start fixing your marriage. Not one.... How long do you expect her to keep trying, facing that, along with the guilt of what she's done, the stress of dealing with everyone, and the kids, etc... I recommended before that you not take hasty action...but you've done so. And now, I'm suggesting that you finally start accepting your OWN part in fixing your marriage...your call now friend.

 

That said, if my wife loves me so much, why does she keep pushing me away from her, too many questions, no answers. Thanks OWl, I appreciate your candor, keep it coming!

 

Because at this point, ANY action she takes is the wrong one! If she lets you continue down your current path, you're going to wind up having an emotinonal/physical relationship with someone else. She has no idea what to do now to fix what she's done...because you've not given her ANY chance to do anything. And you've not taken any steps of your own. She's gonna start either getting desperate, or giving up. I know I would at some point.

 

Good luck friend...start THINKING, stop REACTING.

[fleafly]

Yes, I do realize the ramifications of this,believe me. And I do most of the talking on the phone or by IM, but the phone thing is dragging me down, I only have a cell phone and most of my minutes are being used up on these conversations. But really, we are both at the same place in life(well almost anyways) and like i said, its nice to get a different perspective from someone other then a MC who only do things "by the book" IMO. But after telling the MC about my experiences the last 5 years he UNDERSTOOD where I was coming from emotionally, not having any fight left. Add in going to college at this point in time! I can barely muster enough energy to get myself to class, let alone concentrate for more then one minute.

 

And yes I was furious about the way MW tried turning the tables on me. When I heard the message that my son left me, and btw, this wasnt something that I was HIDING from my wife, I lost it. Like I said to beable to spill my guts to someone about my marital situation(some "date" eh), to have this person tell ME that I need to let it all out,tell my wife how I feel, get into counseling, start spending more time together, it really meant alot to me to hear, I will never forget it and thats how this friendship started. And besides, what am I supposed to do? A women walks up to me and starts a conversation, we hit it off, should I just of said, sorry, I just found out that my wife has been in love and ****ing some other guy for the last year, we are seperated, I have to go now??

 

And I dont think MW comes on here anymore, she posted in here like twice then gave up on it, saying it did nothing for her, I now wish she wouldnt have stopped, I really believe it would have helped her open up. She is still under the impression that what she was feeling was real, I think it really hurts her to know that she was being led along and used by this loser.

[fleafly]

GOD DAMMIT OWL!! I sit here and write a response, post it, see yours, and realize how right you are! So now what do I do? as far as this friend of mine? HOW DID I MISS THIS?? Jesus I think I might need to see a psychiatrist I swear.

[Owl]

Give her a friendly, polite, considerate good by. You know..."I really appreciate all of our conversations, and you've done a lot to help me sort through all of this. I'll not forget what you've done. But I've come to realize that by spending my time with you, I'm not able to spend my time and effort where I should...in healing myself, and my marriage. I'm going to ask you to please let me step back and focus my efforts where they belong...and always think of me as a friend."

 

/shrug Guess it's better than "So long, and thanks for all the fish!"

[whichwayisup]

/shrug Guess it's better than "So long, and thanks for all the fish!"

 

Yeah, that actually made me laugh outloud!

 

Flea, you're being really hard on yourself!!

 

It's so easy to become emotionally attached to people, let alone other women! And she may/may not become attached to you. Just not worth that hassel right now, you got enough on your plate.

 

I agree with Owl, polite brush off. I DO believe she will understand, from what you said about her - She really is kindhearted and wants to see you happy and to work things out at home.

 

Don't lose ya humour eh! A good laugh is good for the soul!

[Ladyjane14]

I think it all boils down to making a decision on saving the marriage. Do you or don't you? If you do, then take Owl's advice to heart....ALL of it. And then give it 100%.

 

If you don't, then stop spinning your wheels. It's just prolonging everyone's hurt feelings.

[fleafly]

I cant lose my humor, its all I have left. I just want to say one last thing, before I go think about all of what you have said to me. I just want to apologize, it might seem to some that I have taken all of your support, advice and wisdom for granted. Its just soooo hard to think straight. I mean, after knowing what OWL and others have had to endure, knowing EXACTLY how affairs start, HOW COULD I DO THIS? Its official folks, Ive hit an all-time low. I have way to much anger built up inside of me, and I STILL make irrational decisions based entirely upon that, Christ I cant even let go of it in counseling, I have to build myself up before I walk in, convincing myself that there's no way this guy is gonna break me down today. I have to figure out a way to break down these barriers or Ill never accomplish anything- good luck with that I guess. Thanks again.

[whichwayisup]

Geez Flea, you have nothing to be sorry for! Absolutely NOTHING!! Man, you sound like ME now. Don't be like that eh!

 

And yes, gather the humour as much as you can. Without it, yer f*cked! ( You know what I mean by that!)

 

You've not taken anybody's advice for granted. You are going through a horrible hell right now. Just be glad that you can start to open up here with us...Work with it and eventually when YOU are ready it will come out during therapy...Trust me on that one...Once it starts - You won't be able to stop it, so don't ever hold back when you get to that point. The therapy is there for YOU and to help you...

 

OK now this, one more 'sorry' outta ya and I will throw a snowball from Canada your way!

[DazednConfused]

Yo Fleas!

 

Damn it's good to see that Owl got through this morning! I have little to add to what he has already said...(Wow, I type that about Owl alot )

 

It really does all boil down to your decision. You've read my book and in it you know that I stress responsibility and unwavering committment to the goal. I wrote that for cheating wives and husbands, but this part of it goes for the betrayed as well. I think you have finally made a real decision to give your marriage a real shot. Now you cannot waver or back out because of images, painful new knowledge, or hurtful ideals.

 

If you tell your wife that you will give 100% of your effort and that she must do the same, step up and do just that! Of course there will be times when one or the other of you slacks a little in recovery and reconciliation, but this is a good time and way for the two of you to relearn how to pick each other up.

 

Dude, no BS, this is TOUGH! But if you keep your end result in mind, it makes the small steps easier.

 

Oh! And just for the record, Flea DID send me a pm feeling badly about his dating.

 

Go do it my friend, and don't let anything even slow you down!

 

-Dazed

[Owl]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Damn it's good to see that Owl got through this morning! I have little to add to what he has already said...(Wow, I type that about Owl alot )

 

-Dazed

 

 

That's because Owl talks too darn much! And then he never shuts up.... LOL

[whichwayisup]

That's because Owl talks too darn much! And then he never shuts up.... LOL

 

Well wise one...You sure you're a man and not a chatty Cathy???????? HEHEHEHE...(*WWIU runs and hides again!)

[li'l bunny]

Flea, I just wanted to say that it must be really difficult. I mean all the feelings and thoughts you must be going through. But I'm sure your wife is on the same rollercoaster as you. She obviously cares about you, she wouldn't have become so upset over you 'dating' other women. But I think that's really why you did it. Okay, maybe you tell yourself it was to be comforted but it was also to hurt your wife. Of course if she didn't love you she wouldn't be hurt now would she.

 

I don't know what's going on with this OM. Is he staying with his wife? If he is then I would be very surprised if they kept in contact.

 

Maybe try to so something nice for your wife. Show her that you still love her, that you want to do nice things for her and make her believe that you are trying to trust her again. I know it's hard but look, she is probably too afraid to do anything now. Whatever she does for you or to you might bring a bad reaction. She doesn't know what to do. Owl is right when he says YOU need to start this.

 

And I am absolutely sure you would not want your wife to go through what you are going through so stop with the OW. If you have to, try to find a man to talk to, I know it's difficult but you have alot of friends here.

 

Spouses need to be there for one another in desperate times and this is a DESPERATE time. You need to be there for your wife and she needs to be there for you.

 

Oh, and please tell her to stop using the kids against you, it really isn't fair and will just end up getting nasty.

[fleafly]

Well, its been a week since Ive last posted in here, what a week its been. I will start by addressing the female friend issue. I called her and we talked about things, I explained to her my situation, and I told her that it wouldnt be fair to her if things started to get out of control, we had a nice talk and she told me that this was something that she did NOT want, that she valued my friendship more then anything else, and we left it at that. And I thought about it. And she was right, what is wrong with a man and a woman having a platonic relationship?!? This is something that I have never had before in my life, and it is nice to be able to vent/discuss problems or relationships with another woman. I know what some of you are saying or even thinking, but its just not like that!!

 

So anyways, my wife kind of took things into her own hands. I stated earlier that she took my cell phone and copied the numbers out of it. She called this woman the other day and accused her of sleeping with me, among other things. She was very hurt and upset by this, as she was only there for me as a friend, which I told my wife repeatedly, and to have my wife accuse her of being a whore or whatever, lets just say that it didnt sit very well with her. Its funny but like I said earlier most of my wifes friends are males, Ive never really had a problem with it as Ive always felt that I could trust her, then to have this happen, it just drives us further apart.

 

then comes the MC on Wedsday, our first together in over a month. This was total bull****. I was accused by the MC of playing games with my wife, of only going over to the house( not to see my kids, only to try and leave only to have my wife block the door every time I try to leave) to upset her. This is unavoidable, something that I try so hard to avoid, every time I try to leave, she gets hysterical, I go to comfort her, and the MC see's this as a game?? I still love my wife, I always will, and to see her like this scares the hell out of me, its having a damaging effect on my kids, something I have no idea about what to do.

 

Which brings me to last night. I recieved a phone call from my son, him crying and telling me that he needs me. So I go over there, spend a little time with him, and get him to bed. I go upstairs to talk to me wife, to try and see whats going on. When I was with my son downstairs I also find out that my wife decided to book a flight to New York to visit one of her friends, this pissed me off because she really doesnt have the 800 dollars that she paid for the tickets, really the last thing she should do IMO. At least she decided that she would take both of the kids with her, initially she was planning on leaving my daughter back home. Anyways, she attacked me, punching and pushing me around. So im like Im out of here, try to leave and she decides that she is leaving too? So now were out in the driveway me telling her that she just cant leave the kids alone, her with a baseball bat threatening to hit me. I call my mom to ask her what the hell I should do, shes telling me that I should call someone and have her commited, so I call her mom and we both went back over there to try and calm her down. i really dont know what to do at this point. She told me that the reason she was hitting me was so I would hit her back?? Her behavior last nite scared the hell out of me, and what am I supposed to do??

[whichwayisup]

Geez Flea, she is losing it. Something needs to be done and fast. It can't go on like this, for either of you. The kids are really being affected by this now, reading what you both have been posting about, it's not a good atmosphere for them right now.

 

I read her post in the other forum. Something isn't making sense, but she needs to get herself to therapy fast. For HER. She needs help.

 

You both need to get back to MC more than once a month. If this MC is not working, find another one who will put in the time and really help out.

 

Sorry things are going this way.

[fleafly]

We go to MC once a week, its just that this time we both went together, here I thought it would be a good idea after going seperately for 5 or 6 times I thought that the MC would have some ideas as to which direction our what steps we could take, and yet as soon as I walked in it was as though I got blind sided. Counseling isnt for me I think, he acts as though I am putting up some kind of front, when all I really want to do is deal with the issue at hand, and move on, which is why I wanted to go at it alone; 1. I dont think I was really ready to commit to or even WANT to try and salvage this thing and 2. as a reason to deal with all of this anger I have been experiencing. Which btw has been brought back to the surface, as I talked to the OM as well. I asked him if he had anything to say to me, which he replied, "nope". I then asked him if he wanted to talk to my wife, as I wanted HIM to know and understand all of the pain and suffering that he has caused our family, to which he replied " I have nothing to say to her". So I told him I would be seeing him real soon, which I will. This scares me, only because I realize that when this happens, I might not be able to stop myself, Ive never felt this much rage for someone in my life. That said, then pain and suffering that my kids are going through will be inflicted on him, one way or another.

 

Other then that, I agree, she needs to get some help. She is clearly depressed, she has made comments that scare the hell out of me, I thought that by bringing her mom over last nite would help some, they havent had the best of relationships in the last year or so (go figure, my wife has basically alienated every one close to her since this has started), I was hoping that she would walk throught the door and grab her only daughter and tell her how much she loved her, instead she more or less made things worse by rubbing salt in old wounds, although she did try to help her daughter try and accept things for what they were, I just wish she would have went about it in another way. The thing is, my wife DOESNT WANT ANY HELP, she says that the only thing that will help her at this point is for me to come back to her, something that is very unrealistic at this point . She is also on anti depressants that her doctor prescribed to her, but she does not take them on a daily basis.

 

So I am basically in a very bad place right now. I cannot and will not move back home for the sake of her, which is HARD for me to say, I feel as though I am abandoning my children, which is ****ed up for me to even have to say. I love my kids more then anything on this earth, and to see them this way kills me. Im the one that should be with them right now, I offered to give her time alone from the kids to help her deal with this, but she just turns around and says I will use this AGAINST HER, meaning I will go to court and have them taken away from her. I WOULD NEVER DO THIS, she is their MOTHER, she needs to realize and know how much they need her right now, for them to see her lying in bed crying all the time, Im afraid that this is going affect them for the rest of their lives, especially my daughter, who just turned 5.

[li'l bunny]

Flea, have you read your wife's posts? I think she genuinely loves you and wants to work things out. From what she says you are giving her mixed signals and giving her hope then dashing it.

 

Look, I understand you are in a bad place right now but you really need to take your head out of your ass (so does mrs flea) and start copping the hell on. You have kids who ARE going to be seriously affected for the rest of their lives if you two don't act like adults and sort this out.

 

Your wife needs to stop acting like a spoilt child and realise that her actions have consequences and you need to stop acting like a teenager rebelling against his parents. F**king anything with two legs is not going to solve your problem. You are looking for false intimacy and you're messing up any chance you have of fixing your marriage. You are hurting your wife just like she hurt you....you are just as bad as she is. Now she has to forgive you as well as herself. Now you have to forgive yourself as well as her.

 

IF you want to separate then tell her once and for all and stop confusing her.

[whichwayisup]

Bunny, problem is seems flea's wife says one thing but does another. Her posts DO seem sincere and she's sorry, but she's acting out badly.

 

I am not picking sides, but most of this was her doing - He has tried just about everything and she's not done a whole lot to put in alot of effort...So once he realized this and backed off she came forward and now expects it all to be OK because NOW she is there and willing. Takes two to make it work, I agree.

 

Sooner or later a major decision has to be made, if not for the marriage fixing itself, but for the little ones and their suffering...Which now is apparent and is not right.

 

Flea, Mrs Flea (I don't like to add the EX factor cuz that is negative) I really hope soon both of you sit and work together instead of against eachother. Throw out all the bad feelings, start fresh and see the MC. Pick a day and make that DAY ONE. Just a suggestion.

 

Thinking of ya's this weekend.

[Ladyjane14]

I just read Mrs. Flea's posts. She breaks my heart. I do believe in "hate the sin, but love the sinner".

 

The two of you need to stop hurting one another. Get the hell away from each other for awhile if you can't do any better than that. You can always re-visit your decisions in regards to the marriage, but you need to stop doing additional damage to each other.

 

Maybe consider.... instead of -or- in addition to, doing FAMILY counseling. Move the focus to your kids, and to being good parents to them.

 

You two are just too raw right now in your hurt feelings to get any marriage-building done. When all else fails.....do no harm.

[fleafly]

Ok well, I have just read my wifes posts, and maybe I have to clear a few things up. First off, these rubbers that she is talking about? Umm these were HERS, not mine. Maybe she didnt keep a good enough tab of exactly how many she was using, Im not sure. And yes it hurts me to see how much pain she is right now, but honestly, she put herself in this situation, I cannot help it if she just NOW realizes what she has done to destroy our family. She somehow equates the pain that shes feels in losing me with the pain she has caused me. Second, and maybe some of you havent read this whole thread, but over a year ago, things got so bad between us(6 MONTHS INTO THE AFFAIR, to catch you up) that I was going to leave. Sat down and told my kids, then she got hysterical, and we cried and talked together for hours, telling each other what we BOTH needed to be happy. I TRIED SO HARD from this point on, trying to make her happy, bending over backwards to make her happy. Did this end her fling? Sorry to say, but it went on for another YEAR. So someone PLEASE explain this to me, how exactly I should accept this??

 

And to clear up the other women thing, well go back a couple pages for clarification. I realize now that it was a mistake, something that I regret. Then again, I didnt ASK to be in this situation, did I? try walking in my shoes before you judge me please. Does a one nite stand equate to falling in love and carrying on with a man for 18 months, sharing everything with him, bringing my whole ****ing family into it, letting my kids get to know this man?

 

And lastly, my wifes actions of the last few weeks are inexcusable. Period. Maybe she should talk about that a little bit, how she has been attacking me physically and verbally, trying to bait me into hitting her so she can put me in jail. Using my kids against me? How in the **** does she think this is helping? Sorry I have to stop now