Needing Advice

[Ladyjane14]

This is why I'm saying...STOP interacting for awhile.

 

Y'all are just hurting one another now. Give the marriage-building or lack thereof a break. Concentrate on parenting only.

 

When you've got a raw wound, both of you....don't pick at it. Don't interact outside of counseling. Get an intermediary if you need to, in order to make transactions with the kids.

 

It's not criticism, Flea. We all know how difficult your situation is at least to some extent, or we wouldn't be posting here.

 

Step back, get a deep breath, and when you do act.....do no harm. That's all I'm saying.

 

My 2 cents.

[fleafly]

It wasnt your post that got under my skin LJ, I have appreciated all of your comments and advice. As far as my wifes posts, they do seem seem sincere, its just funny how she doesnt convey theses feeling to me, or anyone else. that fact of the matter is, she needs help. everyone around her sees and realizes this, myself, her mother, my mother, and her best friend. We all see the effect that this is having on our kids, she doesnt. She blames ME for breaking up our family, not her. I cannot help what I am feeling in my head, and my heart.

 

And I have tried the intermediary, I know and realize that there are things that I skip over when I write in here, but believe me when I say this, I am the one thats being rational here, and I know and realize this might be hard to understand, as it should be the opposite. I dont try to throw things back in my wifes face, although I do this from time to time, Im sure anyone in the professional field that deals with this kind of thing would say that this is natural.

 

Bunny when you say that if I want to seperate then tell her? I thought I did that when I moved out.

[whichwayisup]

Flea you need to take a breather from it all. Get relaxed, somehow gain the focus again...And then decide what it is you want to do.

 

I just read her post now, I must have missed the one from today - I was referring to yesterday's post when I wrote earlier on your thread.

 

She is desperate and freaking out. She needs time to gather her thoughts too, try to encourage her to see a therapist for herself. She has TONS of issues that really need to be dealt with first...Kinda like Thumbs wife...She has to find herself again, love herself - Then she can move on to making it up to you and working on the marriage again. Build together, learn to trust and get to a better place.

 

I don't know what else to say except don't do anything rash right now. Both of you are emotionally up and down like a toilet seat and alot can be done/said during those moments...

 

Take care.

[Barby]

I think first and foremost................Don't SLEEP TOGETHER! It will give her FALSE HOPE! It usually does any woman. Honestly the best thing to do if you don't want to be with her right now is just to make it perfectly clear to her. Even if she goes into a fit of rage...threatens..........whines.........or throws a temper tantrum don't give her false hope!

 

 

Also if you're sleeping with other women, it's not nice to rub it in her face. Obviously if it causes you so much rage to see the "OM" you must still be deeply in love with your wife.

 

 

Though you'll never be able to forget, maybe therapy can help you forgive and possibley move on and salvage a semi-healthy relationship with her for your marriage and your children's sake. BUT for EVERYBODY's sake...........be HONEST and don't lead her on! I wish you the best of luck!

[MsMree]

but i do feel compelled to say that i think mrs. flea is using these posts as another way of luring you back. And i don't think it is fair - you came here for help and not it is not such a safe place for you anymore. Desperation is an ugly thing - i am speaking from experiance.

 

I have been in the EXACT same situation as you are in - i was "mrs. flea" a long time ago and was also desperate to get my husband back. And so many people have said this already, but you both really need time away from one another. Perhaps you can be w/your children when she is not around and doesn't have an opportunity to be a part of your visits - when you pick-up your kids maybe someone can go with you. Most likely she won't bait you physically or verbally if someone else is present.

 

It just appears that your W is using ALL her energy to get you back - not to take care of her own issues or even to take care of your children (who are becoming damaged by all of this).

 

Again, i've been there so i wanted to add my $.02.

 

I wish you well!!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by fleafly

And lastly, my wifes actions of the last few weeks are inexcusable. Period. Maybe she should talk about that a little bit, how she has been attacking me physically and verbally, trying to bait me into hitting her so she can put me in jail. Using my kids against me? How in the **** does she think this is helping? Sorry I have to stop now

 

Women are not the only ones who can ask for, and be granted...a restraining order. Make no mistake, I do feel sorry for your wife, because her pain is palpable through her posts. But hitting is NOT acceptable, no matter if you're male or if you're female.

 

I honestly think that you two need a TIME-OUT away from each other.

 

If you continue to damage one another, you are in effect removing the future possibility of reconciliation. It also makes if pretty damn difficult to co-parent effectively when you're both exacerbating the negative aspects of the relationship.

 

When one partner cheats, they change the parameters of the relationship. Where monogamy was the rule of the day....it no longer applies. If you are adamant about the Revenge Affair, then it is your right to pursue it. That, of course, is my opinion only. You weren't the one who changed the rules.

 

That said, I think that if one partner is compelled to go that route, it's just better to distance yourselves until there's a legitimate desire on BOTH your parts to consider reconciliation.

 

Otherwise, you're only just creating MORE damage by continued negative interactions. In order to preserve the possibility of rebuilding your relationship in the future, it's best to have NO INTERACTION at all during times of extreme stress.

 

If it can't be a positive communication, than don't do it at all.

[li'l bunny]

I'm sorry Flea if I came across as being rude or insensitive, obviously I don't know all the facts and I'm just giving advice from what I see. I do feel that you still love your wife but that you are trying to hurt her for what she did to you. I realise she needs help, and maybe doesn't know what she wants. I think you were right in moving out but I am concerned for your children (as I'm sure you are too). I just wanted you to realise that seeing other people at this time is NOT going to help things. I wasn't saying a ONS is the same as full blown affair, of course I'm not saying that, but if you use it against your wife to make her feel like crap then really that's not good. I just want you to be AWARE of what you're doing.

 

I don't think your wife knows what she wants. You say she had no interest in making the marriage work until you threatened to leave...it sounds like she's afraid of being on her own, not that she wants the marriage the work. Sometimes when you're about to lose something it makes you think again about whether or not you want it ...and sometimes it turns out you don't want it. Am I making any sense to you??

 

None of this is easy and I'm not saying it's your fault. I realise your wife has made her bed and needs to lie in it but I think you need to this properly. You need to go to your lawyers, draw up a separation agreement for a year....then if you still feel the same you can divorce. Explain to your kids that it has NOTHING to do with them and try to be civil to each other in their prescence at least. Take it from a child of divorced parents...I still feel responsible for my mom's affair. I still feel if I had behaved better (and I was a very good girl) maybe my mom wouldn't have looked somewhere else.

 

You wife needs help but I also understand that she would be afraid of losing her kids. You need to come up with an amicable arrangement. Again I apologise if I upset you unnecessarily.

[ecco]

fleafly

WOW I can't begin to say how much I feel for you

I think you did the right thing by moving out. You need

that space and time to do some soul searching.

And Mrs. flea should do the same .

You said "I just hope that I have enough courage and strength"

Well my friend you are made of "courage and strength" and don't

ever think anything less of yourself.

But I believe that you can use that courage and strength in better ways

than revenge. You need to occupy your free time with things like

going to a gym (that helps with the anger and stress) and other activities

that you might have wanted to do but didn't have the time for. Just

don't sit at home and think.

The question here is how many 100% must you put in

before yo get 100% back?

Some people will say as many as it takes

But I say, Too many and your will be pushing an issue that should not be,

and that's not good thing, You don't want to force her to love you.

It seems that Mrs. flea wants you when your gone but don't want

you when your home. The reason I say "Don't want you when your home"

Is because she wont come clean with you. Not much to ask for if you

compared it to the pain you have been put through.

To be able to reconcile all questions must be answered even the questions

that were not asked because they will the ones that come back to bite you in the

a** later.

You became her security blanket, something to have around knowing

that OM wasn't going leave his W. You have done all that you can to

show her that you were willing to work things out, but it wasn't enough for her.

If you choose to end it, Try to end it in a decent manner and try to remain friends

It will be a lot less stressful on the kids.

Some people are better off friends then they are mates.

[fleafly]

Bunny, you are right you don't know all of the facts, and its probably hard for you to understand, and I can appreciate it. No harm done. The thing is, the only reason my wife posts in here in the first place is for me to read it and feel sorry for her, or to get sympathy from others. To read her posts and see what she doesn't talk about, it makes me laugh. She tries to turn all of this around on me, and I told her that this would be fine with me, if it makes her feel better. Do you know where she was when she wrote those posts? In my apartment, rummaging through all my **** after she stole my keys and left me stranded with no car. I understand that in most cases it usually takes both people in the marriage to cause an affair, but in our case, and if you read this whole thread, you would understand why I cannot take any responsibility for her actions. I didn't drive her away from me, the circumstances of our lives did. She made the decision, and just because her boyfriend got sick of her constant neediness is no reason for me to accept her back into my life.

 

And the reason I feel this rage for the OM, is more of what he did to my kids then anything else. My kids now get to experience the joy of growing up in a broken home because of this piece of ****, and I will have my pound of flesh. call it revenge or whatever, doesn't really matter to me at this point. Some people just happen to have it coming. An eye for an eye is acceptable anymore? Maybe ecco is right maybe I do need to do some soul searching. Its just that MW wont let me, its all or nothing for her. As usual.

 

I guess thats all I have to say at this point. I cant even talk to my wife anymore without it turning into an argument. She is bound and determined to hang me high and dry. Funny how it works, my wife sleeps around, and I get to lose my house, my kids, everything I have worked for my adult life, and this selfish, ungrateful person could care less. I remember when my parents divorced, with my dad getting caught with another woman, my mom was so pissed that she tried to take EVERYTHING my dad had worked for, including his retirement. My wife and talked about this a few years back, about how selfish my mom was throughout it all, and she told me she would never to that to me. Funny how times change.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by fleafly

My kids now get to experience the joy of growing up in a broken home because of this piece of ****, and I will have my pound of flesh. call it revenge or whatever, doesn't really matter to me at this point.

 

You know Flea, my parents divorced when I was growing up. And it was a GOOD THING! I was actually happy when they broke the news to us. Their relationship had been rocky at that point for longer than I could remember. Today, I can't even imagine how two so mismatched people ever got together.

 

I'm all for people working it out when they can. It's a great thing when there are children at home AND there is still something good to be saved in the marital relationship. But when there's nothing to be saved....staying together for the sake of the kids isn't always in their best interest. It's hard to grow up in a home in which there is always tension and drama.

 

I feel like I'm reasonably well-adjusted. My parents divorce didn't damage me in any way. The only real challenge was the financial situation, because we ended up not having a whole lot of extra money. But I have to say, in some respects, that ended up being a good thing too. I ended up learning to deal with adversity, and was better prepared to handle the obstacles in life.

 

I'm not telling you to run out and get a divorce. But it's not something that you should necessarily fear for the sake of your kids....or for yourself for that matter. There are alot of posters here at LS who are much happier for having made the decision to end a bad marriage.

 

I think it would be infinately better to end the marriage and move on with your life, than to commit some act of revenge on OM. There could be SERIOUS repercussions if that scenario went awry.

 

I can't remember if you've spoken to an attorney, but if not....you might feel a little better just for knowing what your options are.

[Owl]

Flea-

 

I haven't posted on your thread in a while, mostly because I'm cutting back some from LS. I've just gone back through and caught up on things, and I really do feel for you.

 

I think that L J is right that you two need to take a break from each other for a bit. And honestly, BOTH of you need individual counseling, as well as another marriage counselor. It's obvious that your MC doesn't know or understand the dynamics of infidelity, so he's not being of any real help for you two to solve your problems there. And both of you have some serious issues that you need to deal with to make yourselves more able to deal with the issues in your marriage, as well as just to help yourselves. Both of you need to get some treatment for depression, anger, anxiety, etc...

 

One of the things that I think both of you need to start doing is viewing things from the other person's eyes. It's easy for someone sitting on the outside to look and think about what you're going through...and what your wife is going through as well. It looks to me from here that both of you are so wrapped up in your own pain that you can't see the other's pain as well. And until you both get calmed down enough to start doing that, you're not going to be able to start working on anything...marriage OR divorce.

 

As far as "dealing with the OM"...well, I can freely admit that he's scum who took advantage of a bad situation, and obviously shows no remorse for his part in things. BUT...you need to start realizing that HE isn't the problem, and never was. The PROBLEM existed in your marriage before he came along. When it all comes down to it, you can go kick his butt if you think you have to, but it won't make any difference in any way. You won't feel better for it. It won't erase what is done. The ONLY outcome I can see that it might have would be for you to go to jail for assault and battery, or worse. THAT should be a great help for your situation. Just think, then your kids won't have dad around to help them deal with things.

 

Trust me, I know what that rollercoaster ride feels like friend. But there are things you can do to take a little control of the ride. It's time to start doing them.

[fleafly]

Well, I said in Dazed thread that I would bring my own thread back from the dead, so here it goes. I know and realize that some people in here might have gotten a little disappointed in me because of my seemingly selfless attitude as of late, and I apoligize for that (again), but believe me when I say, I just cant seem to help myself. Its really hard to convey how something like this just wraps itself around you and wont let go, believe me Ive tried to let go of my anger, and I just cannot seem to do it, maybe time will tell, who knows.

 

So here is the latest thing to **** me up. Due to the fact that my wife cannot seem to stop attacking me whenever I show up at my house to visit my kids, I decided to completely stay away from the house whenever necessary. I cannot begin to tell you how hard this has been emotionally for me, not being able to see my kids, literally kills me, I miss so much the little things in life, seeing them in the morning when they wake up, putting them to bed at night, reading to my daughter or giving her a bath, it brings tears to my eyes just writing this. But I really dont have a choice at this point, I really dont want to further any damage that has been caused, both my kids have decided that they now want to be in counseling, I cannot even begin to convey how much this hurts me, they are 7 and 5, for christs sake.

 

Anyways, I got out of school early the other night, so I decided to drop by and see my kids. I called my wife and told her I was coming, and asked her if the kids could meet me outside so I didnt have to go in. I spent about an hour with them, hanging out in the yard on the swingset, pushing them on the swings then going for a small walk with them before bedtime( the little things). So when I get ready to go, my friggin car wouldnt start, just my luck of course. So I leave my car there and have my wife give me a ride home, asking her to leave the door open the next day so I could get in the garage to try and fix my car( I am no longer granted access to my own home without permission).

 

So the next morning I go to the house and while I am there, the phone rings. Its a business name on the id so I ignore it. A half an hour later I check the messages as I am waiting for a call from a counselor at school. There is a message from the business call that says, hey D****, its Tony, give me a call. I knew who it was , it was this other person I talked about earlier , that i say was talking to my wife every day a few months back. So I call my wife at work, and Im like wtf, why is he calling you?? I get the "we are just friends" bs so I hang up and call HIM at work. He gets on the phone and I say you know who I am? Funny how Ive never met this friend before, also kind of funny how this friend NEVER called my house, at least until I moved out. So I tell him, look, I not threatening you, warning you, just satay away from my wife, ok? He was being cool about it, saying he didnt want to come between us, everything was fine. Ten minutes later he calls back, saying he's now on his cell phone, and we can talk freely. He then says that he understands our situation, he is only there to "comfort her" and its none of my business, among other things. So I snap. I tell him that it is my business, and if he wants to talk about it Ill come down to his work right now, or we could meet at a place of his choosing. I think he realized I wasnt ****ing around or at least I thought. I checked the phone the next day and say that he called my house at 11:oo that night.

 

The reason I brought this up is, do you think its just me?? There are many example I could bring up just like this, where I keep telling my wife that I need time to deal with this ****, trying to get ahold of my anger, which to me means time apart from her, only because seeing her, and experience her nonchalant attitude towards the situation just drives me further from her. Her attitude on this situation, and I really dont give a **** if she sees this guy as "only a friend", we have been down this road before, I can only imagine the "poor me" talk the she is using now, only to get played like a fool once again, I was even planning on taking her out tonite to try and talk things over, so much for that.

[whichwayisup]

Geez Flea. WTF is she doing.

 

Sorry, I gotta think about this one before I reply. Just wanted to let ya know I have read what you wrote...

 

Post back to ya in abit...