Needing Advice

[emopunk]

Flea,

A lot has happened since I last read. Bad deal about the apartment, though. Any chance of getting another place, or did you sign a lease? Just a thought, but you might want to consider moving in with a friend if you can. Being alone, let alone in that kind of environment, may not be a necessarily good thing.

 

Anyways, I'll agree with Moose. No matter the reasons you may both have had, it's going to take both of you to make it work. That being said, you have to figure out if you want it to work. You chose to marry this woman for a reason(s); what was it? Can you remember through all the hurt and anger?

 

Try to put aside your current anger. The hurt may not fade as easily, but the anger you have more control over. Try to put it aside for now. Trust me, anger will only cloud your judgement. And as Moose said, you have to be able to forgive if you want this to work. Anger wont let you forgive. It keeps your body in high gear and keeps your mind filled with animosity. This WILL wear you down to the point that your health falters. And you don't need to deal with that as well as everything else.

 

Trust is only something that will be gained with time... and I'm talking about possibly years in this case. It's only been a few months... way too short a time to expect much at all. And definitely too short a time to sort out the why's of the current problems.

 

Yes, it's true that she's not seeing the whole picture. Yes, its most likely true that she's still hanging on for a number of reasons. But, and I mean absolutely no offense to you as this is just my perspective, I think you're not seeing the "big picture" either. Through no fault of your own though. The wound is still too new to easily think clearly. That's why its so vital that you try to clear the anger. You have to be rational to work through this. And I know first hand how very hard that is to do.

[TMCM]

I also told my wife that while I am out of the house, I would like to see other people, as a means of trying to figure out if this is what I truely want. She flipped out, immediatley assuming that all I want to do is sleep with someone else to get back at her or whatever, I had to sting her a little bit and tell her that seeing other people doesnt neccessarily equate to meeting some one in a motel room during their lunch. So I am curious as to what everyones comments are not only on this subject, but everything above. Do you think this was really over? I mean, if you saw the cell phone bill with the calls and tm, it looked almost obsessive to me. Thanks for the support all, much appreciated.

 

While there is nothing wrong to have a platonic friendship with a person of the opposite sex, care must be taken that boundaries should never be crossed. What boundaries? Turn the other person into a confidant of one's personal life and spend time alone with only each other [as opposed to being in a public place]. Above all you must constantly be aware that you are emotionally hurt and that you are vulnerable to fall into an affair of your own. That would not resolve your marital issue of your W's infidelity but would compound it. Furthermore, you would be involving another human being who will be hurt if you decide to break up with her if you chose to work things out with your W. So please think very carefully about the consequences before you consider going out with other women.

 

As far as the issue of trust is concerned, your W [like many other unfaithful spouses] would like for you to move on and forget that the affair ever happened [sweep the affair under the rug]. Well that didn't work before when she had her first affair prior to the two of you getting married and it will not work again. If she truly is serious about saving/rebuilding the marriage, then she must willingly embrace the concept of mutual accountability to eventually get back your trust. There is simply no other way. You must convey this to her and her answer/actions will tell you if she is or is not serious about wanting to remain married to you and whether or not you are wasting your time in trying to save your marriage. I wish you the best of luck.

 

TMCM

[Owl]

Originally posted by fleafly

WWIU, good advice, although its not really doing anything for me. I mean, why, at this point should I even hold on?? To me it seems as though as she NEEDED him to need me, if that makes any sense at all. I tried explaining that to her yesterday, asking her why she thinks she wants and needs me so bad at this point. meaning that I think the only reason she wanted to be with me was because of him, and the only reason she thinks she wants to be with me is becouse its all she thinks she has left at this point. well forget that, Im not being some runner up, which is the way she has been making me feel as of late - sorry have to cut this short, running late dammit!

 

 

Fleafly-

I think you really should stop thinking for a bit. It's something that ALL of us do when we're in your shoes. We tend to read something into EVERYTHING...and we're wrong as often as we are right. You're right...it's POSSIBLE that she "needed him to need you". But...is it likely? More likely is the simpler truth...that she's finally realized what she had in you, and she wants to repair what she's done. But at the moment, she can't...because that contact between the OM and her continues. As long as that goes on, there is no way she'll ever be able to work on her relationship with YOU. And that needs to be made CRYSTAL CLEAR in her eyes.

 

You've heard from nearly everyone here tell you that you need to slow down, and not make any hasty decisions. You know that a great deal of us here (myself included) have had to deal with our spouse's infidelity. We know what that rollercoaster ride is like friend...we've all been on it, and most of us are still on it, just a little further down the tracks than you. So I really do hope that you don't come to regret your choices that you make now based on anger and hurt.

 

You are right...you're not required to forgive her for what she's done. We're not going to make you do so either. But here's something that YOU need to recognize...your actions now will affect the chances of any kind of reconciliation (or not) with her down the road. Case in point...when I absolutely knew that there was something going on between my wife and OM (she stayed up late AGAIN to help him with something online, even after I'd begged her to come to bed), I got hurt...and mad. When she finally did come to bed...I made her feel like she'd made me feel. I wouldn't touch her at all...no snuggling, when she moved to touch me, I moved away. I wouldnt talk with her, absolutely nothing. We both lay awake that night almost the entire night...in cold silence. Which we had NEVER done before...in 17 years. The next morning, I got up, got the kids ready for school, and went downstairs to check the logging program I'd put on her IM's 5 days before. I hadn't checked it up til then...because I wanted to think there wasn't anything wrong. What I found told me about the affair...it was my proof. BUT...HERE'S MY POINT...when I confronted her with it, rather than try to work it out, she chose to accept his offer to buy her plane tickets to go live with him!!! She didn't go...but that's another story. When we were working things out later, she said during a counseling session that my "coldness" that night was the final thing that convinced her that she should go to see if what she had with him was real...she felt for the first time like I didn't love her. Is that logical...no. But, that doesn't matter...what matters is that my actions were part of the problem...and my worry for you is that you're doing the same kind of thing now. You're JUST reacting...with no thought about what final outcome you're going to want after the smoke clears, or how you'll reach that end goal. Don't think that your behavior recently (being arrested for beating up the guy in his car, the speeding ticket warning, etc...) is going to do you any good at all. All you're doing by acting like this is making her have more and more reason to want to lean on someone OTHER than you...she can't lean on YOU at the moment, and she'll need that badly once she finally does initiate NC.

 

Oh, and your comments about your "meeting" with the OM....don't think we haven't all had those thoughts too. I'd posted on here once before...my first thought was to take him out. I have no doubt in my mind that if I HAD decided on that course of action, it would have happened. But...the reason the OM in my case is still breathing today is pretty simple...I asked myself one simple question..."what would doing ANYTHING to him serve?". I found the answer pretty enlightening. It would serve nothing. I couldn't see any possible benefit to anyone in my case if it had happened...it wouldn't even have made me felt better. It wouldn't take away what happened. It would have done nothing but made matters worse.

 

I hope you don't take this as a personal attack. It's not...I've been in your shoes. I just want you to stop reacting, and start thinking. You need a wake up call, before you do something that really DOES ruin your life. Your life isn't ruined at the moment...it's bent, but not broken. But...it's now up to you to decide what happens in your life going forward.

 

Regardless...good luck to you. I do hope things work out the best that they possibly can for all of you involved.

[debs]

Oh hell fleafly, you have churned up emotions of anger in me with what your going through right now.......

 

On Valentine Day2004, after a mere 6 weeks of marriage my husband at the time gave a Lucky in Love Bamboo to the 20 yr old he worked with! He attempted many times to hide this girl from me but sorry I am Internet savvy and found out more than he ever knew I knew! I can say the roof came off the house that night!

 

I gave him this ulermatium her or me. I am now divorced and happy! I didn't realize it was him making me depressed either!

 

I didn't realism at the time what a "player" this guy was! infidelity btw does run in families as does addictions! His mother had been unfaithful to his father and he remembers it well! But his parents stayed together for whatever reasonings.

 

Sometimes the one who is unfaithful has to do the new love thing over and over again and never gets it right. They are just smitten on the newness of being in love!

 

BTW they were married on Valentine's Day 2005! I wish him well and hope both do to each other as they did to their spouses!

 

I hope you can come to grips with your scenario, it hurts it is hard but believe me you get through it! Letting it all go is the hardest part of any of this!

 

I would rather be alone than a second string to any female! Being alone is not the worst thing I have ever been through in my near 50 yrs on this thing they call the planet earth!

[Moose]

Sorry debs, this isn't a personal attack, but I have to comment on a few things you said:

I gave him this ulermatium her or me. I am now divorced and happy!

You may of been able to save your marriage and could of been happier than ever, instead, you gave him.....ummmm, DEMANDED he make a choice instead of you two working it out and figuring out why he cheated in the first place. It's a shame really.

I didn't realize it was him making me depressed either!

Isn't it also possible that you had something to do with it too?

infidelity btw does run in families as does addictions

Total nonsense. I don't buy that at all. If that were true, I'd have a harem right now, one for everyday of the week.......bs! Believe me, I'm sorry you went through what you did. But your reflections seem cold and biased, like you had nothing to do with it, and I'm not buying it.

[debs]

LOL, Moose I had put up and tried to work things out since Nov 2004 and we married Dec 2004 after the girl went to live with her father!

 

I welcome your input and no offense ever taken it helps me look at things in a different perspective as well.

 

I did what was best for my situiation. He showed me he loved the girl so I gave him an easy out in the end!

 

Never feel with me I am taking it as a personal attack I am a grown woman who knows we all have a difference of opinions, that is what makes people so very interesting to me!

[Moose]

Never feel with me I am taking it as a personal attack I am a grown woman who knows we all have a difference of opinions, that is what makes people so very interesting to me!

Two words: "You're awesome!"

[debs]

BTW? Moose? It was an age difference nothing more nothing less! 15 yrs my junior I was the fool to believe him and it would work!

[DazednConfused]

Hiya Flea,

 

I am sorry I took so long to get to your thread, it is obvious that you are in that early raging heartbroken, nothing will ever be good again phase.

 

Straight up. no BS. Others have already said it.....slow the hell down.

 

You sound like a pretty stand up guy, and you also sound like this chapter of your life has crushed your soul. I can relate. Seriously; time is your only friend right now. I know that your mind is going a mile a minute, your eyes are full of those horrid images, your heart rate is dangerously high about half the time you are awake. You are not sleeping much, and you are dreaming of revenge or at least justice.

 

Owl has already said it, but i will repeat what he said: if you truly think about, revenge will serve noone. yeah, I've been there, I know it's hard to resist the temptation. But you have to what's best for your family. You get yourself thrown in Jail and who's gonna look after your kids? You don't trust your wife to be with them on their own do you? Right now you can't trust your wife to get herself to work. i can relate. As to justice, forget that too, because you probably won't see that either.

 

So here's the thing; when all around you seem to have lost their sanity, given up their morals to chase the desires of their genitals, YOU can stand tall in the current and hold your self-worth with you. You can be the one who at the end of the day has given up nothing. Right now, you hold the high ground. Stay there.

 

As for your wife's affair; well, my friend, reconciliation is totally your call. Owl, TMW, and myself are kinda special cases in that we have found it within ourselves to forgive. Never forget, but try to live in the today, not in what is behind. I don't know if it is because we all passionately love our wives, or we are all three been taken by the manipulative lying of our wives; time will tell if our gamble pays off. What i am trying to say is that there is no guarantee.

 

My wife has been remorseful, mostly honest, and is trying to get me completely back. I had a choice, in fact, I still do. If I divorce my wife, I will have no problem in finding another mate. But if i do not face the trust issue now, i will never trust anyone again. Further, there is no guarantee that a new woman would not break my heart all over again. I prefer to gamble on the known quantity rather than the unknown. the difference for me was that my wife ended the affair on her own and has had no problem sticking with no contact. Yours is waffling.

 

I think she is starting to realize what she will lose if you leave for good, and I am glad that you are prepared to do so. Just take your time in making any life altering decisions, you must see that your wife's life altering decision cannot be taken back no matter how much she may want to.

 

To the rage and the obsessing images and thoughts.... find yourself a safe outlet that hurts noone, including yourself. buy a weight bench and pump iron, whatever. When you are physically exhausted it is difficult to generate the rage that you are currently dealing with.

 

I wish you the best of luck my friend.

 

-Dazed

[sylviaguardian]

Fleafly - I'm sorry for what you're feeling right now. I can relate to every bit of it and am afraid that I'm not in a position to offer any help whatsoever as I still feel so much of what you feel. Listen to Owl, Dazed and Thumbs - they are special cases. I don't know how the h£ll they got to be so Bl00dy wise but they are!!

 

The only thing I can say is forget the revenge thing. I've had that thought so many times too. It won't make you feel better afterwards. It will frighten your kids when they find out. The only bit of progress I have actually managed to make in this whole sorry mess is that sometimes I actually feel sorry for the OW! Strange but true. I realised that actually she is not the scarlet temptress I imagined but a bit of a pathetic, self-deluded dope!

 

Hang in there - chat to these guys.

 

Wishing you well...

Sylvia

[fleafly]

Hey everyone, sorry I havent posted in the last few days, no internet at the crackhouse!Man its amazing how my life has changed in the last month, unbelievable. Just want to take a moment to thank you all for your words, again it means more to me then you will ever realize. I have just started to realize that I have been a liitle irrational in my thinking, and I have you all to thank for seeing things in a different perspective. And while I agree with some of the things being said, I disagree with others. I did get the W to write a NC contact letter, although it was kind of dissapointing, very brief and more along the lines of what she thought I WANTED HER to write, even though I explained to her that it wasnt for my benefit, but the OW, as she thinks that my wife is going to continue pursuing OM. I have begun to write my wife letters as well, as expressing myself through words seems to get through to her, and becouse every time I talk to her she begins to cry, so I basically told her to stop calling me, I have her work schedule and I am trying to work around that as far as the kids are concerned.

 

Now I know I have been a little off kilter as of late, but I a have still been able to have some days where I have been able to clearly think things out, and I am starting to lean towards divorce. This is a woman after all that hasnt loved me for some time, and her reasoning for having an affair was her way of keeping the marriage alive. I cannot even relate to that and to be honest I dont want to. I really feel that she would rather stay with me then be alone, and what does that tell you? I just dont have the strength to put this much effort into trying to make this right, only to have it happen all over again once she thinks she has found something better. That said, I am leaning towards going back to the MC today, since I still havent gotten anything out of that yet, and Im sure most of you can read through the bull**** and realize that Im still trying!

 

As far as evening things out with the OM, I am sorry to dissapoint you all, but this is something that will be done. Im not really sure what everyone elses scenarios are or were, but think about mine. This is some one that I have spent very weekend with this past summer, someone that has spent time with my kids, someone that was over to my house just a few weeks before this came out, all along playing me for a fool, and I just supposed to let it go?? Sorry but I have to much honor and pride to just let it slide. As a matter of fact, Im looking forward to it, it will be well worth any consequence I will face, its really the only that I look forward to in the coming weeks.

 

And to Dazed, thank you for responding. I was asked to read your story, I cant even describe how it effected me, the things that you wrote described exactly what I was and am feeling, our situations are very similar. I just hope that I have enough courage and strength to be able to see things through. And you ARE right, I need to slow down. Please disregard above post.... well most of it, anyways. Thanks again.

[Owl]

Fleafly-

 

I feel for you friend. I can understand that you've been hurt and betrayed enough that you've got no desire to attempt to work out your marriage anymore. All of us who have been through this kind of event have had to make that same choice.

 

I think that perhaps part of the reason that some of us were able to work through things and reach a point of forgiveness was being able to see things from our spouses viewpoint. I'm NOT saying that what my wife, or your wife, or anyone's wandering spouse has done is justified. But, seeing it through their perspective can help you to gain some perspective of your own. My wife suffered from depression, and wasn't treating it at the time. That, coupled with issues we were having in raising the kids (four teens), running the house, etc...all coupled to make her feel very unhappy, and made her feel like if she expressed that to any of us it would just make it worse. So, instead she began confiding in an online friend...and things went on from there. She wasn't right in her choices, but at least I can (sorta) begin to understand how it happened, and how to keep it from happening again. I don't know if you can, or want to, take that kind of perspective yourself. Again, that's your call.

 

And I'm not sure why you're suprised with how your wife's NC letter sounded...of course it wasn't heartfelt. You've already noted that the contact hasn't completely ended. Hell, my wife's NC email to him wasn't very heartfelt either...she told him to quit contacting her because "DH reads my emails and it hurts him." Wow...wasn't that a wonderfully reassuring thing for me? But ya know what...that was the start of the end of the contact. Because she DID tell him to quit...there was exactly one more contact after that, and then HE ended contact with her.

 

As far as the decision to deal with the OM...oh yes I CAN understand how you feel. Because in my case as well, he was my friend as well. The three of us gamed online ALL THE TIME...he gamed with my kids as well. And the entire time that went on, he was sitting there chatting my wife up. They were telling each other that they were in love, and wanted to see if what they had would work out in person. THIS WENT ON RIGHT THERE WITH ME IN THE ROOM NEXT TO MY WIFE. So you know what...I CAN understand why you would want to do something. I darn sure wanted to. After the affair came out in the open, I began doing a little "research". Even now, nine months later, I can tell you his address, home phone number, work phone and extension, personal email address, work email address. I know EXACTLY where his apartment is, where he works, what floor, what cube. I can tell you what side of the building he parks on. Oh yeah, I gave it just a wee bit of thought. And if I had decided to follow through with it, there is no way I wouldn't have succeeded. So trust me...if I can walk away from something like that, so can you.

 

You do something stupid, like going after this guy, you will stand a darn good chance of losing EVERYTHING. You wanna go to prison, and not see your kids anymore? Go ahead, be foolish. Set a shining example for your kids to see...I'm sure that they'd understand why Daddy couldn't be with them anymore.

 

I'm sorry friend. I really can get how you're feeling. But when you sit there and insist on doing something that is totally going to hurt yourself and your family, and you do it with complete disregard of how that will affect everyone else, then that makes you no better than her. Or him. Heck...that's why you're feeling the way you are right now. Because THEY were the ones who were selfish. So now it's your turn?? I don't know where you grew up, but where I come from, two wrongs don't make a right...they just make a pair of fools.

 

Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by fleafly

As far as evening things out with the OM, I am sorry to dissapoint you all, but this is something that will be done.

 

If you are not in control of your emotions.... your emotions are in control of YOU.

 

You might do well to consider stepping back from your situation, until you have better control. You'll only muck things up worse if you take any action now.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by fleafly

.As far as evening things out with the OM, I am sorry to dissapoint you all, but this is something that will be done............... all along playing me for a fool, and I just supposed to let it go??

 

yes, let it go........easier said than done, i know. But do you want to learn from this?...Do you want to grow spritualy?......then let the anger go.....

 

 

Sorry but I have to much honor and pride to just let it slide.

 

the false pride of a man hinders him from recieving Gods grace....

 

a humble man....is a peaceful man.....

 

Rise above this fleafly.....

[fleafly]

Owl, I will touch on your thoughts and then move on. First off, Its not like Im planning to kill this guy or anything like that, so its not like I would go to prison or anything like that. Jail, yea maybe but I can handle that, hell it would probably be the first time in a long time I would get a good nites sleep. Second my situation is a little bit different then yours, am I right? My wife was not having an emotional affiar, IMO that is NOTHING compared to what I am enduring, this is someone that has been ****ing my wife, taking things from me for the last year and a half that I will never get back. Our sex life during this time was terrible, so much to the point where I cant even remember the last time I was able to climax when with her. Now, since this has happened our sex life couldnt have been better, and thats what I get to deal with now, knowing why my wife really didnt want to put any effort into US, yet knowing that the sex we have had recently is what they shared. I also have a bag in my car full of the **** that he bought her, including loungerie that Im sure she had a good time modeling in. Through in the other ****, like him parading around me this whole summer, knowing damn well that he was ****ing my wife the entire time, believe me, if anyone on the planet deserves an honest to goodness ass whippin, hes the guy.

 

Now on to yesterday, and the marriage counselor. I had deep reservations about going yesterday, but I decided to go, as the first session was a wash. Now I wish I really hadnt went. I have been feeling as though I just wasnt ready to deal with counseling at this point, and yesterday confirmed this. The whole session was based solely on ME, which was the last thing I really wanted to happen. Im not the type of person that wears his emotions, and I was very uncomfortable having the tables turned, as it were. I mean, Im not the one that had the affair, shouldnt the MC be concentrating on my wife at this point? I felt as though I was the who should be taking the blame for this, now all of a sudden he wants me to start going to sessions by myself, to try and help me get rid of my resentment. Is this what counseling is about? Shouldnt we be taking a look at the past to try and see what made this come aout, instead of burying all of that and looking ahead? Very dissapointing, I walked out of there so mad, that I didnt say a word the whole way "home", as soon as we got there I got in my car and left. Maybe its just me, and I know its to early to pass judgement on the whole MC thing, but I have to say, I was very disapointed.

[Owl]

Flea-

 

I would agree...our situations were very different. Your wife never considered leaving you and your kids for him, did she? Had she moved out of the house in preperation to go live with him, knowing what she was doing to you and to your kids?? Did it seem to you that your wife was possibly risking her life, and was certainly risking everything she had for someone else? Don't know. But you're right...our situations are different. Was mine nothing compared to yours...well I don't know...did you ever stand there and listen to your wife tell another man that she loved him while you were trying to do everything you could to save your marriage and your family???

 

Obviously, you're a grown man, who's completely capable of making his own decisions, and apparently your willing to accept whatever consequences come your way as a result. More power to you then.

 

As far as the marriage counselor goes, I think you're right, this counselor doesn't have a clue about how to deal with infidelity. At least the ones that I dealt with (in my "NOTHING compared to yours" situation) were willing to focus on the PROBLEM. My thought is that this counselor may have some serious concern about your anger right now, and sees that as the more immediate threat. Look at your posts here...look at your behavior since you learned of this...you ARE reacting in a potentially more violent way than most people tend to, at least compared to what I've seen here and on other websites that deal with infidelity. You might consider that. I'd suggest that you DO see him on an individual basis to help you deal with your anger and hurt and pain...AND continue to see him (or another counselor) to focus on the MARRIAGE as well. Make it clear to him that you're ready to deal with BOTH issues.

 

Done giving advice friend. You've heard it from a lot more than just me. I'm just more vocal and blatant about it than most. Do what you're going to...just remember that there is still going to be a tomorrow, and you're going to have to live in whatever circumstances you create from today. Good luck.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by fleafly

....like him parading around me this whole summer, knowing damn well that he was ****ing my wife the entire time....

 

 

I can honestly say....I dont know how you feel.....I didnt have a situation like this....and i dont know how I would feel about it.

 

 

I mean, Im not the one that had the affair, shouldnt the MC be concentrating on my wife at this point? I felt as though I was the who should be taking the blame for this, now all of a sudden he wants me to start going to sessions by myself, to try and help me get rid of my resentment. Is this what counseling is about? Shouldnt we be taking a look at the past to try and see what made this come aout, instead of burying all of that and looking ahead?

 

Its a process....that takes time.....I dont think you are realy giving this a try. Its been 2 sessions and your ready to quit.....your dicision, but if you feel an oz of hope for your marriage to be repaired, then at least give it a shot

 

 

Fleafly....this is what MC has done for me personally, but it may not work for others...

 

The MC my wife and i are in....is basically invidivual meetings, we have only had 3 couples sessions after 6 months into this. Not only is this M couseling....but its indiviual counseling. The the belief of our MC is that you work on the individaul....then the individuals work together on the marriage. We take what we discover and learn in single meetings and talk about them together. This method has been great for us, we actually look forward to talking after the meetings. It helps us not only figure out our marriage relationship....but it is taking me on a self inventory and discovery of who I am in this world. This counseling has helped me tap into my true self....has made me conscious of who i am and what I feel. My attitude towards myself, my wife, my family, my faith and life in general has changed...and I nor my wife will ever be the same person we were before.

 

For me, the first step in counseling....was to let go of my negitive energy, my anger, my pride and open my heart to truth. Then and only then could I begin the path of recovery and discovery of my authentic self.

 

You are at the very beginning of your recovery from this. You have 2 paths to choose from......head down the path of truth and love and be free of pain.....OR choose the easy way out and leave your wife and live the rest of your days harboring hate and anger.

 

Granted the path of reconcliliation takes 2.....but one of you has to lead the way.....if you BOTH give it 110% and she dont follow you or vice versa...well then you will know YOU tried.

 

I get the feeling that your mind is already made up. Thru counseling, you BOTH can explain waht you want out of a marriage. Then you can both decide if there is enough love and faith left to repair your relationship.

[fleafly]

Owl, obviously you were stung by my words, and believe me that was not my intent. While we both agree that our situations are different, Im sure that the pain that you have felt was no less then mine. I was going to send you a pm and apologize if I offended you, but I figured if I did it in a public forum, you might realize my sincerity. You and the others in here are my "voice of reason", and please dont tell me you are through giving me advice, becouse your last post gave me another reason to keep thinking this through! I was only ranting, please understand that. you are completely right when you spoke of what the MC was trying to do, its just that Im so pissed off right now that I guess I fail to accept it as it is, does that make sense? Thats exactly what happened, he asked me what I was feeling, and I told him I feel like smashing someone’s face in. He then asked what I was feeling about my wife, and I said "sometimes I just want to grab her and never let her go, and other times I want to grab her and throw her out a window". Like LJ said, if Im not in control of my emotions, they are control of me.

 

The MC my wife and i are in....is basically individual meetings, we have only had 3 couples sessions after 6 months into this. Not only is this M couseling....but its individual counseling. The belief of our MC is that you work on the individual....then the individuals work together on the marriage. We take what we discover and learn in single meetings and talk about them together. This method has been great for us, we actually look forward to talking after the meetings. It helps us not only figure out our marriage relationship....but it is taking me on a self inventory and discovery of who I am in this world. This counseling has helped me tap into my true self....has made me conscious of who i am and what I feel. My attitude towards myself, my wife, my family, my faith and life in general has changed...and I nor my wife will ever be the same person we were before.

 

TMW, not sure how that quote thing works, so I pasted your comment above. Thank you for those words, I think that is exactly what I wanted to hear, and I WILL SEE THIS THROUGH, one way or the other. I love my wife too much to just give up on her.

[whichwayisup]

I WILL SEE THIS THROUGH, one way or the other. I love my wife too much to just give up on her.

 

Hey, that right there...Is your true feeling. Working through the hate, anger, resent - ALL OF IT...That is the final place I think all of us wanted to see you say and really mean.

 

Fleafly, I really commend you and just take it one day at a time.

 

Come here, rant away about it all, it helps alot as you are learning everyday by posting here...We'll all help ya through it. Always remember your words up above and that will bring you back to reality and what you want.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by fleafly

I love my wife too much to just give up on her.

 

 

thats the oz of hope I'm talking about.....

 

after the anger and hate subside.....there is still love.....and thats the love you need to grow and overtake the anger you feel....let it in brother.

[Owl]

Originally posted by fleafly

I love my wife too much to just give up on her.

 

 

Friend...that was the one thing that all of us were waiting on you to say. There are several stages to dealing with issues...anger is one of them. But...you're not able to do ANYTHING for yourself, for your wife, or for your marriage while your stuck in that phase.

 

I think that my reactions to the discovery of my wife's emotional affair was a little unique...the initial anger was an explosion the likes of which you would be amazed to have seen. I pretty much destroyed our patio barehanded. The fence, the swing, the table, the gas grill. I had bruises on my arms and hands for about two weeks afterwards. And my wife sat there through it all...she was still bound and determined at that point to go, but she KNEW without a doubt that I'd never lay a finger on her.

 

I went through all of my anger in that week that she was in the motel waiting on the plane. I discovered the affair on a Tuesday, and she moved out then. We finally had a real conversation on Thursday nite and Friday before she was supposed to get on the plane. My anger was gone by then for the most part...it was just the hurt and pain left. She didn't go, and the withdrawl started that weekend. Then SHE was angry...for about three weeks.

 

My point is this...your wife has already reached the point where she's recognizing how stupid what she has done was, and what it may have cost her. NOW is the time to start working on things...because if you wait, SHE may lose hope. If you truly feel the way you do, start putting your anger aside (you may still FEEL it, but you don't have to SHOW it all the time), and start solving your problems together. Take advantage of how horrible she feels now and MAKE her see what she's done, and MAKE her responsible for fixing your marriage.

 

Apology accepted friend. I've had a few people in the past try to tell me that an emotional affair is less devestating than a physical one. I thought so too, when my wife's affair first came out. At least it wasn't physical...and to a degree, I still feel that way. But I've still found that I'm dealing with the same issues, the same pain, the same struggles that you have. So I tend to be a bit short with those who want to think less of what I've gone through, or try to discredit my advice as not valid.

 

Advice for now, if you want it. Stop yelling at your wife, and start TALKING. Find out WHY the affair happened. Figure out what needs to be fixed in your marriage. BOTH of you have emotional needs that aren't being met...find em, and fix em. Listen to what she says...this was a serious shout for help. And don't feel bad for feeling bad....but don't let the anger control you.

 

Good luck.

[fleafly]

Thanks again guys, and especially to you Owl! I have made another discovery of sorts today, I would like to share it with you, tell me what you think. Since the discovery of this, there are only two people that know the truth. One is my mother in law, and the second is my wife's best friend, who I called immediately after I found out to see if she knew about it. Since then I have been totally alone with this(except for all of you, of course). what Im wondering is, in your personal experience, did you tell anyone the truth as to the sudden craziness that over came your lives?

 

I know it probably might be a different situation for most, as I decided that the best way to deal with the situation is was to move out, simply because I felt time apart from each other was the healthiest thing at that point. I believed this simply because I didn't want to force my children to have to deal with all of the anger that was coming out of me at the time. I will also be honest and relate something that I haven't talked about. The night this happened, when I stumbled upon my wife's journal, after reading a few pages and realizing what was happening, I flew into a rage. i ran down stairs and confronted my wife, and she immediately lunged at me to take the journal away from me. We began to fight over the stupid book, and push came to shove and we ended up wrestling on the ground over it. My son got so freaked out that he called 911 and hung up the phone. The cops show up, cuffed me on the ground in front of the kids, by didn't arrest me because my wife refused to press charges and there were no visible marks. Firstly I have to say that I would never hit my wife, and this is something that I regret and have to live with every day. It was really scary because I honestly don't remember most of it, from the time when I first confronted her, until I was face first on the ground with cuffs on are a complete blur. Sometime during this I also smashed all of out wedding pictures, I have absolutely no recollection of this.

 

The thing I do remember is two days later, seeing my wife again for the first time since this happened. Seeing the fear in her eyes, then her showing me the bruises on her body, this is something that I am ashamed, remorseful, and something that I will never be able to forgive myself for. God I got way of track!!But its important for me to share that with you, not only because you were all sooo right about about trying to let my anger go, but because I haven't been able to express to anyone about how hard it has been to carry this "secret".

 

I say that because like I started to say, I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. The very next day I went online to seek some answers and one of the first things I found said " dont tell your family or friends about this, as they will immediately start to take sides, and it will do more harm then good". Made sense to me. So then it began, calling my family and telling them that I was all of a sudden leaving the marriage, moving out of the house. everybody I talk to is just shocked by this; " what happened??". "Well, we've been having problems, and it just didnt work out". It is so hard for me to have to listen to people give me advice, trying to explain to them what is going on, lying to them the whole time. I went down to see my gramma the other day, first time I had seen her since this has happened. This woman means the world to me, always been there for me, thick and thin. After I left her house, I started to cry because I realized that that was the first time I had ever lied to her. This is happening to me almost daily now, my mom telling me the other day to be careful now that Im on my own, not to do something stupid like go and cheat on my wife, because then Ill never be able to save the marriage. I guess what Im trying to say is..... this is really starting to wear me down. I also think that this is why I was so dissapointed with the marriage counselor, as this was the first time that I was going to be able to tell someone what was really going on, then he just kind of blew it off. Any thoughts or comments on this?

[Owl]

Well, if you go to the "other" website, you'll see there it's called "exposure". One of the best ways to end an affair (and to ensure that it doesn't start back up again later) is to expose the affair to all the pertinent people...friends, family, etc... And to do the same thing on the OM/OW's side as well. The reason is simple...affairs THRIVE on secrecy, and pretty much die most times when they're drug out into the open.

 

In my case, the OM bought her tickets literally within an hour after I had discovered what was going on. She was totally shaken up by everything hitting her at once, and packed her bags and moved to a motel later that same day. From MY perspective, she was already gone. I had nothing to lose by telling everyone. And honestly, I was so devestated by the whole thing, I HAD to talk with people, or I would have done something seriously stupid. So, I called my brothers, and told them. Later that week, I called her sister in attempt to have HER talk some sense into my wife. (It didn't go as planned, but the REALLY good thing about it is that now they've reconciled a lot of their differences, and are closer now than ever....and I KNOW her sister thinks that my wife and I are made for each other...). Even some of my wife's friends had called looking for her, and I had them call her at the motel room.

 

IMO, I'd be honest about it. But, if you are convinced that the affair is over and has no chance of starting again, then I would talk with your wife about who needs to know, and who doesn't. Use this as a starting point for the both of you to begin communicating.

 

Well, off to MY marriage counseling. Good luck friend.

[whichwayisup]

Flea, wow! That burden has been in your head and heart for a while...I for one, am glad you talked about it on here. Hasn't changed one thought of what I think of you. I think under the circumstances you snapped and lost it. Pretty sure of that and so are you by the sounds of it.

 

You have to somehow figure out a way of moving past it...Forgive yourself for that outburst of rage and uncontrollable urge. I can't imagine how horrible it was for you all that day...But I can sympathize with you on how bad it must make you feel...Some time when you are ready you need to talk about that with the therapist. Alone and together in MC...Your wife needs to understand your frame of mind at that particular time. Please try and not beat up on yourself. You did a good thing by sharing and letting it out.

 

You also have nothing to be ashamed of...You didn't cheat. But I can understand the reasonings of not wanting to tell anybody - none of their business and really the comments/advice and opinions and/or people taking sides is not what you need right now. IS there a best guy friend you can talk to you??? Need someone really close to you that you can trust and open up to sometimes.

 

Talk to the MC...Tell her you feel disappointed in how it is going ...Maybe this person isn't the right person for you, who knows? Time is on your side though.

 

Hugs to you Flea..

 

WWIU

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by fleafly

what Im wondering is, in your personal experience, did you tell anyone the truth as to the sudden craziness that over came your lives?

 

 

I haven't been able to express to anyone about how hard it has been to carry this "secret".

 

 

No, I didnt hve anyone either. The only people who new were me, my wife, her friend she was with that night, our pastor, our MC and God.

 

I did let on to two friends that I was going thru some very ruff times with life....that I was in place I never been before. I told them I couldnt tell them what happen, and for them to understand that I couldnt tell them what it was....only that I was in a "box of fear" and I needed an ear to talk to. I confided in these people during the recovery, never saying exactly what happend. But saying that we are both on a personal journey to make things right with our marriage.

 

It wasnt until 3 months into it, that I finally confided the whole truth to a close friend. I broke down....3 months of keeping it in and i cryed liked a baby to him. He was a huge help...I knew i could trust him.

 

The funny thing was....the ngiht before my wife had her ONS....we had this close friend and his GF over for a BBQ. THis was the first time his GF met my wife. He told me, "Ya know, i wasnt going to say this, but that night we were over...when we left, my GF's first impression of your wife was...if she hasnt cheated on him yet, she will". I then told him...WOW....she had a ONS the very next night.

 

NOW....still no - one knews the whole truth. My wife did tell her mom. And some friends have asked whats up...but we kept it to ourselves. All I told my parents was that I was figuring **** out in my life. It wasnt until a few weeks ago I told them we were in MC. but they didnt ask why....if they did, i still wouildnt tell them. Its no ones business but me and my wifes.

 

 

So yes...I know EXACTLY were you are....you feel all alone...I felt alone for many months....the first 5 months were HELL for me.....but, thru MC....I can honestly say I am a changed person...we both are. We both FINALY understand what a co-commited marriage relationship is...and we know what it takes to make it work. We have a long life of learning ahead of us...but I am more than welcome to restart my journey with my wife at my side.

 

SO...if i were you....as hard as it is...I;d keep this close to heart...this is a self journey you are starting....but brother...if you follow the path of truth....man i;m telling ya....there is peace at the end. Peace in the sence of peace of mind.....wether or not you stay or go....you will find peace for yourself....you just have to let it in. That is the hardest part.....letting go and letting love back in....