He Hurt me, Should I take him back?

[ItalianLadi]

Hey Guys, I just need some advice about an abusive relationship that I was previously in. It may take a minute to explain but I'll try my hardest. I was 16 when I got together with him and that was 2 years ago, about a month ago he got really wasted and pushed me around and kicked me out of the house with no clothes on, where the police had found me on the street corner. He was arressted and charged with abuse and is now being ordered to take classes on domestic violence and drinking.

 

The thing of it is, is that he was abused as a child, and molested. He never made me do anything that I didnt want to do, and he wasnt controlling, he was a very relaxed kind of person, but I did know that he just had his problems like anyone else ya know? I know that he deeply cares about me, and is trying his hardest to get over his problems. This is the first time that anything like this has happened, and I know that he is sorry. In the early stages he actually encouraged me to go out and make friends, because i am such a homebody, he wanted me to go to school and better my education, because he knew it would be better for me in the long run.

 

I have seen him since, after the no contact order was lifted, and I do feel asthough he has changed. I know that I really care about him, and I did tell him what he did was very wrong, and if it ever happened again I was out, and would have him put back in jail. He is not blaming this issue on anyone but himself, not really even the drinking. I think he gets it, but I just have a problem. My family doesnt think that I should get back together with him, but I think that it is my life and that I need to make my own decisions, and I am a grown woman and know how to handle myself, i mean im italian so i dont put up with much anyone.

 

I really care for him, and I know that he does too. I want to try ang work on things with him, and he does too. I told him the day that he drinks again, its over. I dont care if he pushes me or not, its completely done with. He has stopped drinking since, and I do not feel scared of him, he actually seems more loving than before, which is normal i suppose because he wants me back. I want to work things out but I just dont want to hurt my family. I love him, and I know he messed up, but I dont give up on people.

 

Another thing that makes it really hard is that he is the only one that I have ever slept with, and I feel like he is the only one I could. Other than this incident he is a really great guy and not controlling what so ever. Any advice????? Please let me know, much appreciated.

 

R.

[sweet-oooh]

Usually i would say, if he's done it once he'll do it again but it does sound like he is willing to get help and try to work on it.

And you obviously love him a great deal. I think maybe if it was me i would try to take a step back, carry on seeing him, but hold back a bit and wait a while to see what happens.

Chances are if he's gonna do it again, it wont be long. Dont give up on him if you love him, i mean do you feel 100% safe when your around him now?? or do you feel nervous that its gonna happen again??

I always go by my own gut feelings and they are usually right, so if you even feel 1% not too sure about this then you have to take notice of your own gut feelings. I can see why your family are not happy with the situation, they are only looking out 4 you.

 

Good luck, and remember, no man should make you feel uncomfortable in any way hun x

[jmargel]

It's your decision, but along with every decision comes a consequence. He needs counseling, and unless he gets it I would recommend NOT going back with him. I was engaged before to someone else, I was with her for 5 years. She was abused by her mom, physically and verbally. At first she would cry to me about what happened. Her brother & sister use to tell me the bruises they would see on her legs almost every day. She was brought down so low, that she considered herself worthless in every sence of the word.

 

I was there for her to lean on, to give support to show her & try to make her feel beautiful. As the years progressed so did her anger towards me. First verbal, then physical. The disrespectfulness was too much, and we ended breaking up. The wedding was off.

 

It took her 3 years later to come to me to apologize and for her to realize that it was what happened in her past that made me her punching bag. It was way too late to get back together again, but what I have learned is that often abused people will abuse the one they love, the one that supports them. It's because they have no where to lash out at. They won't lash out at their abuser because they are their worst fear.

 

Unless he gets help, don't become what happened to me. You can't fix him either, this is something he needs to do on his own.