My gf admitted to cheating last year on the 4th of July

[Space Ritual]

My comment wasn't fixated on sex. What I meant was, do her wrong, like she did you. You know everybody's gonna tell you HELL NO don't get back with her.

 

I commend you for your brutal honesty Jay about the Pump and Dump though lol

[BDL]

Kick this cheater to the curb. You deserve better. Staying with a cheater will only end with more pain and suffering for you. Why go back to a cheater. Have some dignity and self-respect man!

[Holdenfield]

Were there fireworks?

Yes, there were.

 

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddd another drunk girl who suddenly found a guy on top of her.

Not sure how can a guy be on top of her when she went down on him and blew him (fellatio).

Do me a favor and ask if it was any good. here's your answer. No or I don't remember because it happened so fast.

Though she didn't say ''I don't remember so well''. She does remembers it.

Dude. Dump her. It took her almost a year to fess up and don't buy the drunk excuse because it's old and a crutch to justify her behavior.

As much as it hurts, I really need some time to think about it. It's been too short since her confession and I still can't solve this right away. Maybe I might break up eventually or maybe work it out. I don't know at this point and can't give out a definite answer. But one thing I can say is she did lost the rights to decide on the fate of our relationship. Now I get to decide that.

Just once I wish the woman would just admit that the guy was hot, he had a big one and she wanted it and did the deed.

I don't think I would want to know that. It would actually made me feel even more down than ever. Not sure if being honest means you have to also be brutally honest. Don't think I would be able to handle that extra detail too well.

[Holdenfield]

You aren't married, you have your entire life ahead of you and she has shown she can't be trusted. Look, being drunk is no excuse. Many of us drink or have been blindingly drunk before but I know exactly what I'm doing. If you were an item and exclusive it means she's a cheater...the fact she was having her dot is the only reason she didn't diddle.

I'm not thinking about marriage anymore.

[Holdenfield]

Sorry to hear this happened to you,

 

So, your wonderful GF of 4 years (at the time) willingly gave a one way sexual favour to another dude? (I.E. Putting this in persepective, it wasn't that she was drunk and horny and wanted to get off herself).

 

If you can kiss the same lips that had another guy's knob in betweeen them, sure you can work it out.

Time to move on.

I wish it was so easy. It's like I would really need to hate her but for some reason I can't. I don't know why. Or maybe I'm right now must be still stuck on this temporarily knee-jerk reaction. I think once the second stage of anger hits, maybe more anger will start kicking in. Now I still feel more sadness than anger. I think about all our old memories together and that's really hard to just let go.

[Holdenfield]

It could be just once. And maybe it will never happen again. Who knows?

According to what you given us here she handled it OK. But the question now is if you can live with this one time cheating. Can you?

I can't really say a definite yes nor no to that for now. I guess it's going to take a bit of a while to process all this information and then my mind will be more firm.

[Holdenfield]

Is this your first long-term relationship, Holdenfield? Sometimes it's difficult to see that there's anything better when these experiences are all that you have. Not everybody is a shank and you don't need to date one.

Yes, she is my first gf. I still remembered it was sometime late Feb of 2009 that we officially started going out but we were friends first for a couple months. I was going to lose my V-card to her right (no, she wasn't a virgin and had a couple bfs before me but she was ok when I told her I was) on our HS prom night but got sick with a fever and couldn't make it; she didn't go either and visited me making me soup. Sometimes I always had this bad luck of something always happening just when things are planned on when it's considered a special event for me. I don't know why. I lost it to her a nearly 2 months after our HS graduation. Edited May 3, 2014 by Holdenfield

[Holdenfield]

My comment wasn't fixated on sex. What I meant was, do her wrong, like she did you. You know everybody's gonna tell you HELL NO don't get back with her.

I understand. Just that I'm so hurt and have never in my life pump and dump. I don't think I have it in me to do that nor be a user. I don't like using girls for sex. I think that isn't something that you can just do it and forget about it. I'd rather break up if I see myself that I can't handle it than do that pump and dump thing.

[FrustratedGuy91]

I understand. Just that I'm so hurt and have never in my life pump and dump. I don't think I have it in me to do that nor be a user. I don't like using girls for sex. I think that isn't something that you can just do it and forget about it. I'd rather break up if I see myself that I can't handle it than do that pump and dump thing.

 

Don't compromise who you are based on what she's done to you. She does feel sorry about what she's done, yet she did it and nothing can ever be the same between the two of you. Break up, politely, if you were friends before you may be able to be friends again. But time to move on, sorry mate.

[Hobbes' wagon]

Hi.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It was similar with me and my first real/serious GF - she cheated on me and told me months afterwards. You can check out my story if you look at my old posts (under the username "Calvin's wagon" - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/234327-calvin-s-wagon/ ).

 

Couple of suggestions:

1. Have her take an STD check immediately, before you have sex with her again or any sort of intimate physical contact.

2. You take an STD check immediately

3. Don't feel rushed by anyone to make any fast decisions - take your time to decide

4. Don't let her trap you into staying in the relationship or guilt trip you. Also, I'd avoid having sex with her until you come to a decision -> you don't want her "accidentally" (either really accidentally or on purpose) becoming pregnant at this point.

5. Demand that she write a full timeline of everything related to this. What happened, what was she thinking etc. Then, demand that she takes a polygraph so you'll be perhaps one step closer to knowing the whole truth. My exGFs story changed through time and I still think I never got the full truth. I wish I had known this place at the time, I would have made her take (and pay for) a polygraph for me to even consider the option of reconciliaton. Cheaters rarely tell all the story the first time around.

6. You should get some sort of counselling (perhaps individual or group therapy). Do you have an option of (subsidized) counselling at your university? Counselling has helped me immensely.

7. Be on the lookout for signs of depression!

8. Open up to your friends and/or family! You need emotional support! I only told two people, and I wish I had told more, because I felt really alone. And the more people that know, the harder it will be for her to manipulate you.

9. Face the truth about her (actions):

- she cheated on you.

- she disrespected you (she kissed you the day afterwards with the same lips that were on his ---- and perhaps used to swallow his ---; she introduced you to him afterwards; she didn't tell you for a long time).

- she wanted to manipulate you and perhaps/probably still is (especially if you'll her "trickle truth", additional information about her betrayal). but in any case, she wanted to keep this a secret from you, maybe hoping that in the meantime you would marry her, she'd become pregnant, you'd fall more in love with her, and THEN she would tell you, when you would already be more invested in the relationship and it would be harder for you to walk away.

- She betrayed you.

- She put your physical health at risk

- She is great at lying - she obviously could lie about other stuff you don't know, or could do so in the future, and hide it from you for a long time.

- She stopped lying to you mainly because she felt too guilty and wanted to relieve herself of the guilt. Not because she decided you deserve the truth. No, because she was too guilty. Which is good, I guess, but still not as good as her telling you immediately.

- She is selfish. She cheated because she wanted to cheat. No matter what else she has going on in her life (stress, ...), she cheated on you because at the time she decided to cheat. She had the option of not cheating on you, and decided to cheat on you. Either she didn't think of you at the time, or she thought of you but still went ahead and cheated. I don't know which is worse. She put her lust/hurt/whatever her head came up with the reason to ---- him off/ ahead of you and your relationship with her.

- it wasn't a one-time "mistake". It was a decision. And every day that she lied to you, introduced you to him, denied you an informed choice,..., she repeated the lying, betrayal etc.

- there's a lot more to it, but I think it's enough for now....

10. Allow yourself to be angry, hurt, disappointed! Take all the time in the world to live through the emotions, don't repress them too much for too long.

11. If you were to stay with her, she should get counselling to figure out what moral values she lacks, what psychological issues she has,..., that she decided to cheat and lie and betray you like this.

12. Try to use various resources for dealing with this. This is a great site, but there are also others that specialize in dealing with cheating/infidelity. Use this site, but also others. If you need help finding the best, let us know.

13. I have seen stories on other sites where people have come back from betrayals to some sort of happiness and where betrayed spouses say they are happy in the relationship with the person that betrayed them years ago. But there are also lots of stories of people that decided to leave the betrayers. Some of them are extremely happy, and some still struggle.

14. Are you otherwise a confident person? Do you think you could find another great girl or do you perhaps have self-esteem issues (like I have had)?

15. For me, it was telling when I tried to imagine myself standing at the altar at our wedding - I couldn't see a future where I wouldn't be wondering ever so slightly "is she cheating on me again?". Or I tried to imagine talking to our future kids (yes, we had names for our kids planned out) and them asking me if I were ever cheated on.

16. DON'T START DRINKING OR DOING DRUGS. It will make you do and say stupid stuff. I almost became an alcoholic because I started drinking heavily trying to cope.

17. If you were to try to reconcile, I think she would have to cut contact with anyone that is friends with him, and especially anyone that knew what happened. Those aren't your real friends, and she should cut off anyone who could be a link to him in the future.

18. Go to the library or online and get a book called "No more mr. Nice guy"!

19. This was one of the two worst things that happened in my life. But it also made me grow up, deal with a lot of my issues (even ones that came before her, with my parents etc.), I started to take care of myself better, started taking less bull-s--t from others etc. In many ways it gave me a hard and painful kick to start examining myself and my life.

 

Ok, there's a lot more I'd like to say, but let me know if so far this is helping you. Best of wishes, and I'm so sorry.

[Holdenfield]

If they do it before your married they can do it after your married. Should you decide to continue the relationship just remember who your in a relationship with, someone who will cheat on you if she thinks she can get away with it, and someone you will never feel safe with on a ladies night out. You will want a post nuptial agreement giving you everything if you divorce because of a new infidelity should you decide to marry her. Not everyone can cheat, she's proven she can and will take it to her grave.

I've been thinking about that. I think now that I'm starting to think slightly better, I might take some break. I don't have a definite answer as where the relationship stands but do want to take some time alone.

 

I'm wondering if for some reason things really won't work out, then we can at least remain friends? This is what I would like to think I can at least hold on to even if I were not to be with her.

[bubbaganoosh]

Honestly, the best advice I can give you is this. Can you feel like you can ever trust her again. Yes, she fessed up on her infidelity and feels bad, but it took her a year to do it and still associated with this guy after the deed was done.

 

Yes she feels remorse but she claims that she was drunk. A lot of people do dumb things when their drunk, BUT, there are a lot of people who don't. It was an excuse, nothing more and now it's up to you if you want to buy that story and for a long time coming, have that vision in your head.

 

So it comes down to this. Do you want to take the chance and continue or do you feel like that you can do better.

 

Maybe this is your first serious relationship, but there are other women out there that have some control over their lives so you make your mind up and either want to live with a cloud over your head or get out from under it and find someone else.

 

Honestly that drunk excuse is really getting old. It's funny how they remember what they did the next day and then fall back on it and blame a can of beer or a mixed drink for their trouble.

[Holdenfield]

Sorry Holdenfield but that right there is a pretty good example of what she really thinks of you.....how could you be madly in love with a woman who would knowingly do that to you.

She was a good friend before we were even dating (both of our parents always got along too, which is why I haven't told anyone anything) way before and it's nearly impossible to simply forget the history you have with someone.

I hate to say this but you need to nut up and dump her this very night. End Of Story.

I'm thinking of taking a break.

[Holdenfield]

So it comes down to this. Do you want to take the chance and continue or do you feel like that you can do better.

I'm going to explain to her that I'll be taking a break and that the fate of this relationship is unknown for now (friendship I do see it still there), that I need to be alone for the meantime. I do appreciate her confession at least. I'm going to be honest, the only reason I didn't just kick her to the curb is because of that. If this wouldn't have come from her mouth on that phone conversation, instead of having some exchange of words during my anger moment and then again calming down, I would have told her to get lost and probably even told others.

 

As much as she's my first and maybe I might have sounded soft on my thread, I'm not the Mr Nice Guy with no voice. If I had to find out through other sources, catch her in the act, have someone else telling me, install a keylogger, etc then I think it would have been so easy to ditch her. Somehow with a confession, it did made me go a somewhat soft on her. That's the only reason I would consider a friendship in the future to be honest.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Holdenfield

[Holdenfield]

Hobbes' wagon you do have great points that it's hard to find something specific to quote you on. I'm sorry you also have to go through that with a gf and will be reading your link in a short moment.

 

As for telling others, I really don't want to. I really want to handle this on my own. I don't want my mother nor certain other close members hating her. However, I've decided to take a break. Will talk to her in person when I see her tomorrow.

[drifter777]

I'm going to explain to her that I'll be taking a break and that the fate of this relationship is unknown for now (friendship I do see it still there), that I need to be alone for the meantime. I do appreciate her confession at least. I'm going to be honest, the only reason I didn't just kick her to the curb is because of that. If this wouldn't have come from her mouth on that phone conversation, instead of having some exchange of words during my anger moment and then again calming down, I would have told her to get lost and probably even told others.

...

And if she didn't make the decision to put it in her mouth you wouldn't be in this mess today. Look, there is no reason to put yourself through all this drama at your age. You are never going to forget what she did and it will be nearly impossible to trust her again. Every time she blows you it will trigger these memories - how f'ed up is that? Walk away now before it gets even worse for you.

[SD1000]

I'm not thinking about marriage anymore.

 

 

 

My only advice is to not make a life long decision while you are going through emotional turmoil. Give yourself some time to make a rational decision after you have had enough time to process this and the initial shock has worn off.

[crederer]

She was willing to destroy your feelings and self esteem in order to give another guy pleasure. She didn't even get anything out of it. Jesus man.....I know it's difficult but you gotta cut the rope.

[Holdenfield]

First of all I would like to thank everyone of you for your support as it's been a very difficult moment for me. As of now I'm currently single and missed her badly. I don't know how long this will last but as of now, I'm indifferent towards meeting someone else. I'm really not in the mood at all.

[Hobbes' wagon]

Hi.

 

It's ok to be sad and to feel whatever you feel. Just make sure you make decisions with your head for a while, and not your emotions. And yeah, I think you should stay away from women for a while.

 

After my cheating gf broke up with me, it took me 5 months to kiss another girl, and afterwards I felt horrible, guilty and sick. It got better afterwards:) So don't rush yourself into being with anyone. Now is the time to focus on yourself!

 

Best wishes, we're here for you

[drifter777]

First of all I would like to thank everyone of you for your support as it's been a very difficult moment for me. As of now I'm currently single and missed her badly. I don't know how long this will last but as of now, I'm indifferent towards meeting someone else. I'm really not in the mood at all.

Just hang in there and don't have any contact with her. As each day passes you will miss her less and less. When you think about her cheating on you it will strengthen your resolve to move on with your life without her. Be confident that you will recover from all of this much quicker by sticking to no contact.