Are true love relationships where you're happy all the time make-believe?

[dreaming4ever]

Hi,

Well...here's the situation. I'm 25 and have been with my bf for a year and a half now. He's really smart and funny and we have good times together but I don't know. Maybe I'm just never happy with what I have but I'm just feeling really bored with him lately. Like, I can remember just like 6 months ago when I would be really excited about hanging out with him, I'd die until the next time I saw him but right now I'm just like blah....he can be boring sometimes, like now in the winter when it's cold so we don't go outside much. I like doing lots of things and experiencing different things and just being silly and having fun but he likes to just sit at home and watch TV or movies 24/7. I'm wondering if we're too different. We've talked about moving out together in a year when we can afford it and getting married eventually but I'm just not sure. I promised myself a LONG time ago that I would NEVER marry a guy I'm not sure about. I don't want to be stuck in a marriage with a guy I can't stand.

 

I'm not saying I can't stand my bf but it's just not exciting anymore. I mean, we have fun sometimes. But it's so blah....I watch movies like "The Notebook" where the couple is so completely in love and constantly smiling and kissing each other like it's going to be their last kiss ever and I cry because I don't feel like I have that. Yet I want that so bad. Is that kind of love make-believe? Does it only exist at the beginning of a relationship?

 

My bf and I also have a lot not in common sometimes...I just don't know if this is what life is like and you just have to keep the relationship going or what? How do I know it's NOT the relationship for me? I'm not saying I'm breaking up with him right now b/c I want to be absolutely sure we're not right for each other I'm just not overly happy or sad right now. I like to get excited about life and be active and be silly and my boyfriend isn't like that at all. He rarely gets excited about things and can be blah.....uh....I don't know......I also don't want to walk away from this relationship and be alone forever.

 

Can people with experience with this kind of thing please give me advice!! Thanks so much.....

[CurvyGurl]

Real relationships are nothing like the movies. Nothing in life is like the movies. They skip over the bad and boring parts cause who wants to pay $8.50 to see some guy sitting on the couch with his hand down his pants watching The Real World Marathon.

 

Everyday life is as exciting or as boring as you make it. We don't live romance novels and the 'Romantic Comedy of the Year'. We live life.

[moimeme]

True love is not about having fun 24/7. You know you truly love when you are happy just to be with him, even if it's 'just' watching TV. This doesn't mean that you do nothing but watch TV every night for the rest of your life, but love isn't about being entertained.

[alphamale]

take a break for 3 to 6 months and see how it goes. the only way you're gonna figure out if he is for you is if you don't see him for an extented period of time.

 

oh and by the way, movies and tV are fantasy. if they had real life stuff in movies no one would watch cuase it'd be too boring.

[johan]

If you take a "break", it will be permanent.

 

I went through exactly this situation with a girl I really loved, and it ended terribly.

 

I think of what you're going through as a turning point. You'll always remember this time and how it worked out and it will define how you handle the same scenario in the future. Every relationship gets boring. Even the most exciting guy in the world only has so many tricks up his sleeve, unless he's just unstable.

 

The guy you're with is totally replaceable, and so are you. But what you have is about as good as you can expect, because you get along and have fun together and have things in common. You COULD do better with someone else, but you can't expect to. It's a gamble. And you could also do worse.

 

I think you and he need to fight more. You need to start moving things in a direction that makes sense for both of you. Not just for him, and not just for you. You need to challenge him and shake things up. I don't mean threaten break-ups or "breaks". I mean start standing up for yourself and what you want or need.

 

4 ways this can work out:

1: If you fail to tell him EVERYTHING and fail to stand up for yourself, and you end up breaking up, then you can consider this a failure for which you can mostly blame yourself. You may end up always wondering if it could have been better.

2: If you do the opposite and the relationship fails, you'll know you did your best and you can move on knowing you're doing the right thing.

3: If you fail to tell him EVERYTHING and fail to stand up for yourself, and you stay together, you'll feel trapped and unhappy like you do, and again it's your fault.

4: If you do the opposite and stay together, you'll have a much higher level of respect, trust, and love for each other. And chances are you're with the right person.

 

He probably has no clue how important this is to you, or else he'd be doing something about it. So tell him. If you were telling him, you wouldn't need to be here telling us.

[Elmo]

Use two methods of birth control.

 

Not trying to be mean, just....if you are bummed out about how boring your life is now, you would be horrified with a dull partner and a screaming baby in the mix.

[CurlyIam]

Different is good. It can be enriching. Boring is not good. Brings nothing to no one.

 

I think you're looking at this only from the entertainement pov. Think about what he's bringing to the relationship. About the times he's been here for you. About the proves of love. About the bad times.

 

Only after that you know if he's the man for you.

 

I know I'll get flamed for this, but think also about sexual attraction. HE's not supposed to be your personal entertainer, but you are supposed to die after a night with him, even after one year, especially since you don't live together.

 

 

So, to resume: sex and commitment. Yeah, yeah, fun too... Maybe it's just a stage. Winter isn't all people's favourite time.

 

Good luch finding the right answers,

 

Curly

[VirginiaBob]

All the true love relationships are in the movies. Consider that the actors that convincingly act in these movies have trouble staying married for 6 months themselves, and you'll have your answer.

[Beth]

Originally posted by moimeme "love isn't about being entertained".

Eloquent & Excellent!

 

-----------

dreaming4ever: People grow familiar with each other over time and the hot-passion-activity will cease to be constant and instead come in waves. For many it will become flat and requires great effort to stir up the waves of fun and activity.

 

Be the one to kick your up your feet and make some waves! Tell your bf how you feel and that you are going to put more effort into taking an active part in the relationship and that you need him to do that also. Really listen to how he feels about it too, he may bring up some things that you have not considered. If you are bored in the relationship, it's up to YOU to entertain yourself sometimes. Do you have friends to hang out with sometimes?

 

When you and your bf are doing something together, who chooses the activity? Maybe he has been participating in things FOR you, but that don't necessarily interest him. Thats nice, but it gets old after while. You don't want to just sit and watch TV with him all the time. You need to communicate with him and find some activities that you both enjoy, but you each also need some time apart, by yourself or with friends.

 

Just, please, don't base your life expectations on the movies or books. Those are fantasy.

[dreaming4ever]

Just to clarify....my boyfriend still excites me sexually and we're awesome in that respect. It's just other things that bother me. Like I don't feel like he really understands me nor cares to. I'm a hopeless romantic and he never once has tried to do something romantic for me. I cry a lot and feel emotions very deeply, he even describes HIMSELF as "stoic" and apathetic. He never seems happy or sad, just always blah. It can get so FRUSTRATING!

 

I know that TV romance/love doesn't exist but I don't even know if I'm "in love" with my bf anymore. I don't know....I wish I'd fallen in love with a romantic poet who loved nature and saw the beauty in little things....not my boyfriend who is nothing like that. Is that so wrong?

[moimeme]

I wish I'd fallen in love with a romantic poet who loved nature and saw the beauty in little things....not my boyfriend who is nothing like that. Is that so wrong?

 

Well, you have some imaginary ideal that this fellow apparently can't measure up to. You're looking for harlequin romance in the real world, even if you claim you aren't. What, exactly, appeals to you about being a 'hopeless romantic' anyway? Why don't you try living on the real planet with the rest of the humans because you won't find many of 'em up there in the clouds, girl.

[johan]

Turning point coming.

 

I agree with Moi to an extent. Romance novel style relationships don't exist, at least never for long.

 

Being a hopeless romantic shouldn't be discouraged though. That's life for some people. I consider your doubts about your feelings for your boyfriend real. If you can't "be real" and conclude that it's better to make this one work than it is to go off hunting for Fabio, then I don't encourage you to stay.

 

I think it's a question of maturity and life experience. Moi is coming from the point of view of an experienced, possibly jaded, realistic mature woman. You are coming from the point of view of someone who hasn't reached that point yet. How do you get to that point? Get out there and take your knocks. Someday you'll be ready for the kind of relationship your boyfriend is offering you. Another way to put it: someday you'll be mature enough.

 

You're in for a turning point. I doubt you'll stop feeling this way no matter how many voices of reason shout real life stuff at you. You just have to go find out for yourself. Good luck.

[ttjames]

he even describes HIMSELF as "stoic" and apathetic. He never seems happy or sad, just always blah

 

i was like that for a while. i didn't feel anything for probably 6 months. For me it was because I knew that there wasn't a future in my relationship. I knew that the end was coming. All my emotions went away and I was just blah! But now that we're apart I feel again! I feel love, I get mad, sad and I can even cry. it's great. Feeling ****ty emotions is still better than feeling nothing. But anyway..

 

Fight some.. let it get rocky, see how he responds.

[moimeme]

Moi is coming from the point of view of an experienced, possibly jaded, realistic mature woman.

 

LOL! I'm not the least bit jaded LOL!! I've figured out that life is a lot harder and people a lot more complex than we can possibly realize when we're first starting out, yes. That means you should treasure a good thing when you have it instead of dreaming of Fabio and thinking Mr. Romantic Perfection exists and is out there waiting to do all the Harlequin stuff. Humans are only human, after all.

[dreaming4ever]

I should treasure a "good thing" Moimeme? My question is how do I even know what I have IS a good thing? For all you know my bf could be beating me...although he's not. I made up this expression that goes "dating guys is like playing poker, you're never sure if you should keep what you've got or ask for another card" and yes I know that sounds AWFUL but how can you just KNOW that the guy you're with is the one you SHOULD be with forever? I just don't want to regret anything...

 

One reason I wonder about this is because of my parents. My mom gets excited about things and likes to have tons of new and interesting experiences and just get out there in the world and have fun. Meanwhile, my dad likes to sit around and eat and never go anywhere. I can't imagine what having to put up with someone like that for YEARS would entail. I know that opposites attract but I'm starting to think it's probably the couples who are MOST alike with minimal differences that are happiest together.

[Thinkalot]

Hey there- it is possible that having seen the pattern of your parents, you are frightened of going down the same path.

 

It's also possible you are expecting too much, based on unrealistic romantic notions.

 

Then again- some of your concerns seem valid. If you are lacking real spark and connection, then it is something to be concerned about. Frankly, I would take Johan's advice, and TALK to him about this. Bring a greater level of communication and committment in by tackling some of these issues together. heck, relationships are constantly evolving creatures, and they require lots of love, work and attention to survive and thrive.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by dreaming4ever

I'm not saying I can't stand my bf but it's just not exciting anymore. I mean, we have fun sometimes. But it's so blah....I watch movies like "The Notebook" where the couple is so completely in love and constantly smiling and kissing each other like it's going to be their last kiss ever and I cry because I don't feel like I have that. Yet I want that so bad. Is that kind of love make-believe? Does it only exist at the beginning of a relationship?

 

No one is happy all the time. ALL relationships change and passion stops being constant and instead comes in waves.

 

Don't compare your life or feelings to movies. Life is not a movie.

[Thinkalot]

I think the key point is, that you should at least get the "waves".

 

My relationship goes through stages of feeling a bit flat too...predictable...lacking excitement, or whatever. Then things will spark back up, and it's exciting and fresh and sexy all over again...until the next lull...and so on.

[Hep]

Aren't you glad that your man is just satisfied to be with you?? If your not you might never be happy. You need to be with someone that you just love to be with period. No matter what the situation.