Help! Tell me if I'm having an affair (emotional)

[dietcoke]

I've been married for 9 years and with my husband for 14. We met when we were 16 and 18 and have been together ever since. We do not have children yet, but may possibly in a couple of years. I love my husband, we have always had a wonderful relationship - until the summer of 2004. We are back on track now but we endured a few things that were new to us.

 

I have a very high sex drive - I always have - but was content to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. After working out and what not my desire for sex increased. My hubby was struggling to keep up with me. I've always felt it should be the man that wants sex more, not the woman. I always felt 'guilty' asking him for sex, like it was a burden to him or something. I'm a very attractive woman (or so I am told daily), I'm fit 5'5" 125, I exercise and take care of my self, but I felt so undesired for lack of a better word, because he didn't want sex the way I did. In other words, I took his lack of sexual desire for as an insult. I felt like, I have all these other men basically tripping over themselves to get to me, and the one person I want doesn't want me back, it was very heartbreaking.

 

Well, enter OM. This man is *exactly* by type, tall, dark, sexy with an 'edge', and he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. This guy is smitten with me, his eyes sparkle when he sees me. The attraction is VERY real and very MUTUAL although, I've never conveyed my feelings about him to him. I met him at work. I work 4 UPS, he works at one of the locations I deliver to. We've cultivated a friendship, not a very deep relationship, but there is definetly an emotional attachment. I look forward to seeing him on those days I have packages, and it puts a bit of a damper on my days when I don't get to see him. He's been married before and of course told me all about his marriage. I've known him since June 2004, and we've never discussed my marriage or my marriage problems regarding sex. I'm a very intensely private person, so I don't feel I can confide in anyone about this, not even him. The only mention of my husband has been very positive. I really don't have anything bad to say about my husband except for this issue.

 

Needless to say, I definetly pursed this friendship because emotionally he made me feel so beautiful, so desireable. He awakened feelings in me I hadn't experienced since I feel in love with my husband.

 

OM and I only talk at work. I don't have any outside contact with him after work. He has my number, and tells me he wants to call me, but he is so afraid of falling in love with me because he is attracted to me and wants to take the relationship further, but realizes he can't because I'm married.

 

Hubby, and I have since worked on our sex issues (he was experiencing sexual dysfunction), we had some very serious heartfelt conversations, and hubby apologized and has been showering me attention emotionally and physically. He even purchased a new wedding ring for me for christmas.

 

I feel so torn. I feel the OM is 'draining' me emotionally. The attraction is so very intense. He wants to sex me and I want him to. The sexual tension between us is unrelenting. I'm to the point to where I want to have sex with him, just to see what it's like. I've only been with my hubby sexually, so I'm DYING to know what sex will feel like with him. I don't like feeling like this. It consumes my thoughts. I'm very lucky to have a husband at home that adores me, has never screwed around on me, and as ALWAYS been there me and this only makes it worse, because my husband does not deserve this, any of this.

 

What do I do? I'm a Christian, I pray, I've never been unfaithful but I'm so tempted to be. I just want these feelings and thoughts to go away. Please help.

[Mr Spock]

If you're experiencing guilt about this, it's time to put your foot down and tell this "OM" that you don't want the relationship to become physical and you're uncomfortable with the way things have been going. Cut off all contact except in the most professional sense, no more flirting. Don't use this man to make yourself feel better.

 

I'd say you're having an emotional affair, and you're in danger of having a physical one.

 

If you want to stay with your husband, don't sleep with this guy, don't even talk to him.

[poister]

You know the answer to this - if you don't want to be unfaithful, you need to discontinue all contact with this OM. Get someone else to deliver to the bldg where he works, and if he does call, don't answer. You are doing yourself and your H a terrible injustice.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by dietcoke

I've been married for 9 years. I'm a Christian, Please help.

 

You know the answer to your question. Or did your marriage vows have a clause that let you out if your husband had sexual dysfunction?

 

If you want a way to stop your thoughts, just think of your husband face when he finds out. That should do the trick.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, you are having an emotional affair.

 

Needless to say, I definetly pursed this friendship because emotionally he made me feel so beautiful, so desireable. He awakened feelings in me I hadn't experienced since I feel in love with my husband.

 

OM and I only talk at work. I don't have any outside contact with him after work. He has my number, and tells me he wants to call me, but he is so afraid of falling in love with me because he is attracted to me and wants to take the relationship further, but realizes he can't because I'm married.

 

Hubby, and I have since worked on our sex issues (he was experiencing sexual dysfunction), we had some very serious heartfelt conversations, and hubby apologized and has been showering me attention emotionally and physically. He even purchased a new wedding ring for me for christmas.

 

I feel so torn. I feel the OM is 'draining' me emotionally. The attraction is so very intense. He wants to sex me and I want him to. The sexual tension between us is unrelenting. I'm to the point to where I want to have sex with him, just to see what it's like. I've only been with my hubby sexually, so I'm DYING to know what sex will feel like with him. I don't like feeling like this. It consumes my thoughts. I'm very lucky to have a husband at home that adores me, has never screwed around on me, and as ALWAYS been there me and this only makes it worse, because my husband does not deserve this, any of this.

 

Read here what you wrote about 100 times. STOP, call this OM and END IT NOW before you Do anything else that you're gonna regret. Don't put yourself in that situation where you know you won't stop it. Why tempt fate?

 

Go to marriage councilling if you have to, work on your marriage. You say you have a husband who loves you, has shared conversations and is now working harder on himself and proving his love to you...DO NOT SCREW this OM.

 

Go about these forums and READ other peoples threads...Maybe reading about their heartaches, hurts from cheating spouses will stop you from making a really preventable and HORRIBLE hurtful mistake. (Go to infidelity section, page 2 - DazednConfused's thread about his wife cheating on him is one that might open your eyes...It's long but worth the read. It's called "my wife made stupid mistake."

 

Right now you're borderline and the grass is NOT greener on the otherside...Just looks like it....You haven't done the deed yet. END IT fast cuz if you don't you're about to ruin your husbands life..Emotionally in everyway - You can't even imagine his pain that you're about to cause him.

 

Think this...You have sex with this OM. Great, you feel wonderful sexually...Happy, smiling and all that good stuff orgasms bring....BUT....

 

Will this OM be your friend? The bad stuff, day to day stuff? Be there for you always? Hold your head over the can if you're throwing up? Will he be a part of your life and accepted into your family and friends? Will he be your rock, emotionally, physically and spiritually?? Hmm, probably not as that is probably not what you two are about.

It's about SEX and feeling good....Not about Long Term life and relationships.

 

Again, END it now - think with your head not your desires and body.

[GirlDown]

"I'm very lucky to have a husband at home that adores me, has never screwed around on me, and as ALWAYS been there me and this only makes it worse."

 

only makes it worse? what more do you want?

 

oh, you want to act like a single woman again.

don't we all?

 

you're married. get over this fixation and move on.

 

or get divorced, screw the other guy, marry him, find a reason to be unhappy and cheat on him. it's a really fun cycle, as you'll see on some of these other posts.

 

you know what you have to do, and the fact that you're realizing this is wrong before you've have gone way too far (i say WAY too far, because you have gone too far) is better than what some people do.

 

it's the fact that you are trying to find a validation for your actions that's scary, not to mention unfair.

 

we all go through periods of adjustment...it's possesing maturity to know what the right thing to do is.

 

i hope you do the right thing.

 

good luck.

[tiki]

Originally posted by dietcoke I felt like, I have all these other men basically tripping over themselves to get to me

 

If you're a married woman, how are other men 'tripping over themselves to get to you' if you're not putting any vibes out yourself???? Do these men not know you're married, happily married at that? And does it really matter how many men 'trip' over you? No, it doesn't. You're to be just as dedicated to your husband, no matter how many men are falling for you. Make it crystal clear to all men that you're a married woman. Period.

 

Originally posted by dietcoke Well, enter OM. This man is *exactly* by type, tall, dark, sexy with an 'edge', and he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Oh they all do. And it's always that *perfect* match. Snap out of it. Seriously.

 

Originally posted by dietcoke This guy is smitten with me, his eyes sparkle when he sees me.

 

Who cares what his eyes do? Why are you focusing so much on him? Flip him a bird next time and watch his eyes 'sparkle'.

 

Originally posted by dietcoke The attraction is VERY real and very MUTUAL

 

Maybe there's someone that feels this way about your husband? Shouldn't it be you? You need to refocus.

 

Originally posted by dietcoke Needless to say, I definetly pursed this friendship because emotionally he made me feel so beautiful, so desireable. He awakened feelings in me I hadn't experienced since I feel in love with my husband.

 

No offense, but that's what they all say.

 

Originally posted by dietcoke He has my number, and tells me he wants to call me, but he is so afraid of falling in love with me because he is attracted to me and wants to take the relationship further, but realizes he can't because I'm married.

 

Whaaaaa? He has your number?

 

Originally posted by dietcoke I feel so torn. I feel the OM is 'draining' me emotionally. The attraction is so very intense. He wants to sex me and I want him to. The sexual tension between us is unrelenting. I'm to the point to where I want to have sex with him, just to see what it's like. I've only been with my hubby sexually, so I'm DYING to know what sex will feel like with him. I don't like feeling like this. It consumes my thoughts. I'm very lucky to have a husband at home that adores me, has never screwed around on me, and as ALWAYS been there me and this only makes it worse, because my husband does not deserve this, any of this.

 

I'm disgusted. You owe your husband more. Send him my way. I know someone who's in the market for a faithful, loving husband.

 

Originally posted by dietcoke What do I do? I'm a Christian, I pray, I've never been unfaithful but I'm so tempted to be. I just want these feelings and thoughts to go away. Please help.

 

Pray harder. Tell your husband your thoughts and see how he feels about them. Get counseling. Get another job if this man is tempting you to stray from your marriage (sounds like he is).

 

You're playing with fire. And it's a dangerous situation.

[Owl]

A little more to think about. Just because your affair is "emotional only" at the moment may not lessen the pain that your husband will feel when he finds out one little bit. Trust me...and go to the infidelity board and take a look at my own situation.

 

I notice that you asked the question...but didn't ask for any advice on what you should do from here. Are you looking for advice?? Or justification?

[whichwayisup]

The other thing is...Reverse this situation...How would you feel if this was your husband feeling this way and just now you're about to find out he's been cheating on you....Really listen to your heart, feel that pain - SEE that pain you're about to be hit with...The man who you thought adored you and only loved you cheated on you...Made love and had desires to be with someone else...

 

How do you feel now? Hurt? Sick to your stomach? Can you now function and live your life normally?

 

Im just throwing this at you so you can SEE what you're about to do. So is everybody else who's replied to your thread.

[StraightNow]

DC

 

Hey I just came across this site today funny thing is I wish I found these sites when I was back in the situation you are now and someone could have sent me straight along time ago. I was in your same situation, happily married... work out regularly...high sex drive... and then I made a connection with someone they wanted me bad and I wanted them. Now that I look back I wanted them mainly because they wanted me. It is such a great feeling to have that beginning feelings of a relationship and having someone that you are attracted to be attracted to you as well. I f'd up and went through with it, I cheated and it is the worst thing I ever did in my life I wish I could take it back so bad the GUILT is unbearable. With the help of another forum I ended it but it still hurts that I did that.

 

That passion newness makes you feel in love and desire to do what people that have those feelings do, but it is not worth it at all. For that one night of great sex (if it even turns out to be that good) you will have a lifetime of pain and potentially lose your marriage, husband who is most likely your best friend and soul mate. If this other man is willing for you to lose everything you have he really doesn't care much for you other than sexually, he could care less that he is hurting the most sacred part of your life. It is such an easy trap to fall into and an even harder one to get out of, almost impossible.

 

The sex for me was only different not better, I was a fool to almost lose everything to just try some new and different stuff it was exciting but it wasn't love and it doesn't get any better than making love. Hope this helps I'm no expert but cheating was the worst thing I ever did and I have felt so much better since I ended it, but it was hard. The OW turned into quite a scary manipulative person, this guy could do the same to you they will want you to be with them and them only and will try to sabotage your marriage...... this is all hypothetical but it is what I found out usually happens with the other person, they will want you to themselves which is only natural what people usually want in a relationship.

 

Good Luck be Strong

It is so much easier to be strong right now and not do it than what happens to you if you aren't. Trust me.

[dietcoke]

I am so thankful to all who responded. You all will never know how much this means to me. Every single person said something that made me really realize what I am doing. I have never, and will never cultivate a friendship with any man that is attracted to me, or any man I am attracted to. The feelings are so incredibly distracting not to mention wrong.

 

I really do love my husband, and believe me he is definetly one in a million. Whichwayisup *REALLY* made me think about all the hard times and how my husband has *NEVER* left my side or never made me feel like I was less that a million bucks.

 

I'm not looking for justifaction, but I was wanting everyone to understand why I even fell prey to this situation. This type of thing can't be justified. It just can't. I'm very embarrassed. I feel so silly, foolish, slut-like, immature and all the rest. The weird thing is about a year ago I had a dream I committed adultery, and when I woke up, I felt the guilt, the hurt, the pain, EVERYTHING. I even told my husband about it that same day. A year ago, NO ONE could've told me I would even be contemplating something like this. I will not be so quick to be judgemental about these type of situations from now on. It's amazing how fast you can fall, those "in love" feelings are almost addictive. I read a passage in the Bible that said to "guard your affections or feelings". Now I know why. It's a terrible thing to be held captive to your own feelings, especially when they're wrong, and you know they are wrong.

 

Thanks again everyone. I'm still open to all the advice I can seek. I am in tears. I feel so horrible for even feeling this way.

[Owl]

Well...here's my suggestion then if you're interested.

 

Part of what leads to this is that often there are things needs that aren't met in the marriage. That excitement that you felt contemplating what could happen if the two of you got together, etc... You and your husband need to sit down and TALK about what's lacking in your marriage. And then start working on fixing it.

 

There is a book..."20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr. Steve Stephens. It's cheap...like $10. Get it, and start reading it WITH your husband.

 

COMMUNICATION is the most common thing missing in most marriages...probably yours as well. Start TALKING with your husband about what you need, what you feel, etc...and ASK him to do the same with you.

 

It's good that you recognized what was going on, and made the choice to stop it before it got worse...I sure wish my wife had. BUT...we're doing great now. Let us hear how good things are going in YOUR marriage now that you've had this eye-opener.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks again everyone. I'm still open to all the advice I can seek. I am in tears. I feel so horrible for even feeling this way.

 

Your welcome!! Seriously I'm glad I made you stop and think...

 

It's normal to feel flattered when somebody else thinks you're hot! Enjoy that...We all need that stolen glance by a stranger, it makes us feel good and gives us some positive feeling throughout the day...But just leave it as just that, something flattering and makes YOU feel good about you.

 

Good to see you appreciate what your husband does for you. Owl's post says it all too.

[Mr Spock]

Good. And be honest with your husband, tell him you want more sex.

[BoatingBabe]

Emotional affairs are worse than physical ones....in my opinion. Try to stop it now....or you will get sucked down.

[dietcoke]

I wanted to keep everyone abreast of everything that went on during that past few months since I last posted. I told my husband about everything and the feelings I was having about this other person. I told him I was tempted to be sexually active with another man, and he was devasted as expected. I was able to see the pain I caused even though I hadn't had any physical contact with OM (other pig is more like it). I wanted to be completely honest about everything because lies and deception just make doing wrong that much easier, at first at least.

 

When I lasted posted I did not know other man had a girlfriend. As it turns out he is a complete and total pig. Very manipulative, deceptive, and a compulsive liar to say the least. I met his girlfriend back in March when he was walking his dog with his girlfriend. She doesn't have any idea that he wants to be with me sooo badly. I could tell he HATED it SOOO bad that I met her - it was ALL over his face. Since he is not orginally from my state, I was under the assumption his brother/cousin lived in the neighborhood I jog in, of course he lead me to believe this, but his lie fell through the crack.

 

He even met my husband once while we were at lunch together, again by pure coincidence, and it seemed he really started coming on to me once he was able to size up the competition (he CANNOT compete with my husband physically or otherwise).

 

He started telling me how he was not happy with his girlfriend, she was not his type (she is NOT physically attractive AT ALL), she always gets her way blah, blah, blah. Now mind you I know where she stays and he is ALWAYS at her house EVERYDAY I pass by to go jog (he doesn't know I know where she lives - I never told him I knew). He also said she is putting pressure on him to marry her (they've dated for a year or so), but he doesn't want to marry her. I know her family, they are religious and she doesn't believe in living together before being married, but this pig doesn't care he is sooo selfish. Did I mention I also found out he is still MARRIED, but legally separated?!! His girlfriend of course has NO IDEA! I can't wait for his bubble of lies to bust!

 

To make a long story shorter - he ended up getting terminated from his job a few weeks ago. Which is nothing short of a miracle since my husband and I were praying he would just "go away" - literally this had been a prayer of ours and now he is completely out of the picture. I will not accept any of his phones calls. I don't want any contact with him. The longer I am away from him the clearer the picture becomes to me that he is worthless. He is honestly one of THE most selfish people I know. I hope his girlfriend finds out about his dirt. Karma is a witch. Please keep her in your prayers.

 

I have learned SO much from this situation. Actually, I wouldn't change anything (except causing my husband heartache) because now I know so much I never knew before. There will be no more male friendships (he was never a friend anyway). I will not open the door and flirt with tempation and make a complete and utter fool of myself like this again. My husband will continue to be #1 in my book, just like he was before this mess got started. I say to anyone out there you CAN resist temptation. I did, and I am SO GLAD I did. I'm so glad I did not give away the most sacred part of myself to some undeserving pig. Sex is something you can NEVER take back. I took the advice of the wonderful people on this board and thought of my husband's feelings more than my own wrong, selfish desires and it was not worth it. I could not justify doing something so selfish and hurtful to someone I profess to love for some sex. Not to mention I call myself a Christian and that is no way for a Christian to behave. I now know you can definetly walk away from temptation. People sometimes say sex "just happened". It doesn't just happen, you CAN avoid situations that can lead to it. I welcome any responses or comments. Thanks again guys - you all saved my marriage.

[dietcoke]

I wanted to keep everyone abreast of everything that went on during that past few months since I last posted. I told my husband about everything and the feelings I was having about this other person. I told him I was tempted to be sexually active with another man, and he was devasted as expected. I was able to see the pain I caused even though I hadn't had any physical contact with OM (other pig is more like it). I wanted to be completely honest about everything because lies and deception just make doing wrong that much easier, at first at least.

 

When I lasted posted I did not know other man had a girlfriend. As it turns out he is a complete and total pig. Very manipulative, deceptive, and a compulsive liar to say the least. I met his girlfriend back in March when he was walking his dog with his girlfriend. She doesn't have any idea that he wants to be with me sooo badly. I could tell he HATED it SOOO bad that I met her - it was ALL over his face. Since he is not orginally from my state, I was under the assumption his brother/cousin lived in the neighborhood I jog in, of course he lead me to believe this, but his lie fell through the crack.

 

He even met my husband once while we were at lunch together, again by pure coincidence, and it seemed he really started coming on to me once he was able to size up the competition (he CANNOT compete with my husband physically or otherwise).

 

He started telling me how he was not happy with his girlfriend, she was not his type (she is NOT physically attractive AT ALL), she always gets her way blah, blah, blah. Now mind you I know where she stays and he is ALWAYS at her house EVERYDAY I pass by to go jog (he doesn't know I know where she lives - I never told him I knew). He also said she is putting pressure on him to marry her (they've dated for a year or so), but he doesn't want to marry her. I know her family, they are religious and she doesn't believe in living together before being married, but this pig doesn't care he is sooo selfish. Did I mention I also found out he is still MARRIED, but legally separated?!! His girlfriend of course has NO IDEA! I can't wait for his bubble of lies to bust!

 

To make a long story shorter - he ended up getting terminated from his job a few weeks ago. Which is nothing short of a miracle since my husband and I were praying he would just "go away" - literally this had been a prayer of ours and now he is completely out of the picture. I will not accept any of his phones calls. I don't want any contact with him. The longer I am away from him the clearer the picture becomes to me that he is worthless. He is honestly one of THE most selfish people I know. I hope his girlfriend finds out about his dirt. Karma is a witch. Please keep her in your prayers.

 

I have learned SO much from this situation. Actually, I wouldn't change anything (except causing my husband heartache) because now I know so much I never knew before. There will be no more male friendships (he was never a friend anyway). I will not open the door and flirt with tempation and make a complete and utter fool of myself like this again. My husband will continue to be #1 in my book, just like he was before this mess got started. I say to anyone out there you CAN resist temptation. I did, and I am SO GLAD I did. I'm so glad I did not give away the most sacred part of myself to some undeserving pig. Sex is something you can NEVER take back. I took the advice of the wonderful people on this board and thought of my husband's feelings more than my own wrong, selfish desires and it was not worth it. I could not justify doing something so selfish and hurtful to someone I profess to love for some sex. Not to mention I call myself a Christian and that is no way for a Christian to behave. I now know you can definetly walk away from temptation. People sometimes say sex "just happened". It doesn't just happen, you CAN avoid situations that can lead to it. I welcome any responses or comments. Thanks again guys - you all saved my marriage.

[westernxer]

I'm happy for you. At least you had the maturity to realize what was happening. I commend you for your courage... by admitting weakness, you pave the way for greater strength, and your marriage will be better for it.

 

Unless he finds a fish of his own.

[bigbuffs]

I agree with western. These tough situations are the things that make a relationship stronger. I'm glad you see the wrong in what you did and realized it, and now are trying to fix it. I think it's important for you to often let your H know how sorry you are and how much you love him. I hope you are thankful to have a man who is willing to work things out with you despite of all the pain you've put him through. GL and I'm soo glad you put a stop to things before they went to far.