Does he really want to change?

[ThatGirl213]

My ex and I broke up last year. He is a serial cheater, liar, manipulator. We were together for about 3 years. We are both in our mid 20s.

 

These days my ex has been really lovey dovey with me. He says he desperately want to reconcile and would do anything to make it work. Showering me with chocolates. Actually having a conversation about his cheating habits. Answering all my questions. Apologizing every single time. I do see him showing remorse. He never use to communicate up until now. Was always the kind of person who would just say 'ok' after I speak my heart out.

 

Lately he has been sending me messages like this "I have my flaws. I've done some stupid things. Very stupid things. I know I am not perfect. But one thing I know for sure is that I want you in my life. Today...Tomorrow...next week...next year...and many years after that. Only you. Nobody else. I am not joking. I am not lying. I am not bull****ting you. I will do whatever it takes to spend my life with you. Sounds like some corny ass **** lie...but its true. I don't know how else to put it."

 

Well this is just one of it...I suspect that this is because he realized I am very close to another guy and he is just doing this to have me there. He keeps talking about how much he is willing to make it work. I am the love of his life. Apparently he has cut ties with all the girls he cheated on me with and the new ones. I am not entirely sure right now as to what I should do. Any thoughts?

[harrybrown]

What do you think of the new guy?

 

I would give that a shot before going back with the other guy.

 

He may not play today, but wait and someday he will, just like he did in the past.

[ThatGirl213]

The new guy told me last week, that he isn't looking for a relationship at the moment. He seems frustrated that I did not agree to a relationship with him a few months earlier. You can read it here.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/474243-did-he-friendzone-me-he-playing-hard-get

[ThatGirl213]

This has been troubling me for quite a few days...

 

My ex has been keeping on asking me for another chance. He is doing everything to make me understand that he wants to get back with me. Shows guilt or at least that's how it seems to me. I am on two minds now if I should give him another chance. He just wouldn't take a no for an answer. He begs me practically all the time. When he does, I get so angry that I bring up the past and we fight. He usually walks away and then after a few hours, he begs again. These days I see him so depressed like his world has been destroyed.

 

Honestly I still have feelings for him and want to see if he has actually changed and maybe if he has, then give it a try but his cheating habits have caused me to not be able to trust anyone at all. I just don't know what to do. Deep down I am really confused.

[Omei]

You spend time together and work on building back up a friendship first and stick to that as long as you need too till you 100% believe him then slowly get closer as you trust him more.

 

You DoNot!! Say yes and go back with full relationship benefits.

[ThatGirl213]

Yh...I do not want to go back to him just like that with full relationship benefits. We do not have sex. Whenever he tries to kiss me, he can see that I am not really interested in getting all physical with him. However he gets upset when I do that. I can see he is not in this for sex but it just pisses me off that he thinks that just because he asked me for another chance, I must just give it to him same time.He gets so jealous too when I hang out with this other guy friend of mine I got close to.This is just so much stress right now. Sigh

[ThatGirl213]

My real question is that do cheaters really change? Or is he just doing this because he can see I am moving on and he can't seem to lose the one person he could always fall back to when things don't go right?

[Omei]

They say once a cheater always a cheater, I dont think that's particularly true I know it doesn't happen overnight and when people change it takes some time, he could be telling the truth its up to you to take the chance or not and he needs to be willing to take it as slow as you need it to, you'll quickly see after a few months if hes not willing to wait then all his ill wait a year! Talk would go out the window wouldn't it?

 

I have def talked to men before that have deep sadness of cheating on a wonderful girl they still wish they knew but are filled with regret many years later after the claimed to have changed so I think its possible.

 

I also have a friend who used to be a player now hes crazy for this one woman and has been dating her loyaly for 4 years and recently confessed to me he wants to propose in 2015! very happy for him.

 

So there is some hope. BUT never a garuntee.

[ThatGirl213]

They say once a cheater always a cheater, I dont think that's particularly true I know it doesn't happen overnight and when people change it takes some time, he could be telling the truth its up to you to take the chance or not and he needs to be willing to take it as slow as you need it to, you'll quickly see after a few months if hes not willing to wait then all his ill wait a year! Talk would go out the window wouldn't it?

 

I have def talked to men before that have deep sadness of cheating on a wonderful girl they still wish they knew but are filled with regret many years later after the claimed to have changed so I think its possible.

 

I also have a friend who used to be a player now hes crazy for this one woman and has been dating her loyaly for 4 years and recently confessed to me he wants to propose in 2015! very happy for him.

 

So there is some hope. BUT never a garuntee.

 

 

Thank you Omei. That surely gives me some hope.

 

I kinda want him to suffer for what he did to me. I know they say we must always wish well on someone who hurt us but I haven't really let gone of the things he did. I know it is wrong of me to think like this but that's where I am at this point. So by doing what I am doing now i.e telling him no, I can see it is hurting him that his ego is not being stroked. I also want to see him try harder. It is like a love hate relationship because I do care about him. Sigh. What love does to us, women.

[Omei]

If you are still wishing pain on him it won't work in your new go as a relationship, this is why I think just being friends for now is best he needs to rebuild and regain your trust and that is not something that's gonna take a week here, so it will be clear pretty quickly how serious he is....

 

While your friends also dont "wait" for him he cheated if a guy happens to cross your path during your friendship you owe this man nothing if the future leads you elsewhere so be it, as long as you're happy.

[soccerrprp]

My ex and I broke up last year. He is a serial cheater, liar, manipulator. We were together for about 3 years. We are both in our mid 20s.

 

Serial cheater, liar, manipulator.....!!!!!! You experienced this while dating him. How many chances did you give him before you finally broke up? Of course people "can" change, but very often they don't. You've seen what he can do to you and what kind of guy he is. You ladies (and some men) need to really wake up. The BEST predictor of one's future is his/her past. You are risking an abundance of hurt from someone you know is fully capable of hurting you. Look to brighter horizons. That means get away from the unhealthy past YOU KNOW exists(ed) and give a healthy present/future a chance.

[No Limit]

a serial cheater, liar, manipulator

 

Yeah, people with such traits do chance. Many become mentally unstable and psychopaths.

 

Run for your life. You wrote it yourself he's capable of manipulation, and here you write a giant text with him trying to get on your good side again. Buying stuff is manipulation. Words are manipulation, they're meaningless and God knows how much of what he says is true.

Messages? I have no idea who you are but if you want I can write you some nice love letters as well.

 

Burn all bridges and run.

[TheWalkingMan]

My real question is that do cheaters really change? Or is he just doing this because he can see I am moving on and he can't seem to lose the one person he could always fall back to when things don't go right?

 

This is such a loaded question. I do think people can change, but the problem comes down to risk vs reward. Is it worth risking your heart again? He is a serial cheater, even if he does change you will never be 100% sure, there will always be questions in the back of your mind. I guess it comes down to..are your feelings for him so strong that you could deal with those questions, forever? If they are not, then you shouldn't give him another chance.

 

This doesn't exactly mean you should get with this new guy either. Lets be honest, if you were that into him you wouldn't even be considering for a single second giving a serial cheater another chance compared to a guy who has never done anything like that. So the fact you are feeling this way might be a sign that you shouldn't take your ex back, but also might want to re-assess how you feel about this new person.

[Survivor12]

My ex and I broke up last year. He is a serial cheater, liar, manipulator. We were together for about 3 years. We are both in our mid 20s.

 

These days my ex has been really lovey dovey with me. He says he desperately want to reconcile and would do anything to make it work. Showering me with chocolates. Actually having a conversation about his cheating habits. Answering all my questions. Apologizing every single time. I do see him showing remorse. He never use to communicate up until now. Was always the kind of person who would just say 'ok' after I speak my heart out.

 

Lately he has been sending me messages like this "I have my flaws. I've done some stupid things. Very stupid things. I know I am not perfect. But one thing I know for sure is that I want you in my life. Today...Tomorrow...next week...next year...and many years after that. Only you. Nobody else. I am not joking. I am not lying. I am not bull****ting you. I will do whatever it takes to spend my life with you. Sounds like some corny ass **** lie...but its true. I don't know how else to put it."

 

Well this is just one of it...I suspect that this is because he realized I am very close to another guy and he is just doing this to have me there. He keeps talking about how much he is willing to make it work. I am the love of his life. Apparently he has cut ties with all the girls he cheated on me with and the new ones. I am not entirely sure right now as to what I should do. Any thoughts?

 

Nothing has changed. He's still only thinking of himself & what HE wants. Read what you've written....not ONCE has he said that he cares so much for your that he will do anything to make you happy. Instead, he will do anything to get what HE WANTS! And for this moment, that happens to be you. Of course, he didn't want you bad enough before not to cheat now did he?

 

Don't be mislead...the fact that he may want you back doesn't necessarily mean that it's because he cares so much for you. Perhaps he simply can't handle being rejected...or the fact that you're interested in someone else is a blow to his ego. Whatever the reason, he has one--and it's all about getting what HE wants.

[TheWalkingMan]

That is also something to consider. You being with another guy could be something that made him realize his own feelings for you..or it could be he just doesn't want another guy to have you. Sort of like the little kid who will not play with a toy of his, but at the same time refuses to let anyone else play with it.

[ThatGirl213]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I do agree with everything everyone has said. I guess I should just stay by myself and take it how it comes. Because I know if I do get back with my ex, I will always be watching my back and wondering if he is cheating on me. Surely no one wants that kinda life of paranoia. About the new guy, it is true that I wouldn't be asking about my ex if I was that into him(new guy) or maybe because he said he isn't looking for a relationship, I am just feeling the need for someone to fill in the void. Either way, I should just give myself time.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I do agree with everything everyone has said. I guess I should just stay by myself and take it how it comes. Because I know if I do get back with my ex, I will always be watching my back and wondering if he is cheating on me. Surely no one wants that kinda life of paranoia. About the new guy, it is true that I wouldn't be asking about my ex if I was that into him(new guy) or maybe because he said he isn't looking for a relationship, I am just feeling the need for someone to fill in the void. Either way, I should just give myself time.

 

BINGO!!

 

You know what you have to do, now do it

 

Good luck.

[TheWalkingMan]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I do agree with everything everyone has said. I guess I should just stay by myself and take it how it comes. Because I know if I do get back with my ex, I will always be watching my back and wondering if he is cheating on me. Surely no one wants that kinda life of paranoia. About the new guy, it is true that I wouldn't be asking about my ex if I was that into him(new guy) or maybe because he said he isn't looking for a relationship, I am just feeling the need for someone to fill in the void. Either way, I should just give myself time.

 

I am going to make a radical suggestion to you now, and feel free to ignore it. If you truly do love your ex and you do want to give him another shot..there are more or less ways to test his loyalty, so to speak.

 

Basically, get aholf of a friend of yours or something, someone he doesn't know. The next time your ex goes out with his buddies, etc. find out where they will be and send your friend in to try to hit on him and see if he will take the bait..or if he will resist and remain faithful.

 

I know this sounds weird, but I only mention it if you are TRULY considering wanting to give this guy another chance, and if he passed this test I know(if I was you) would at least feel a little bit better about the guys committment to being faithful and being able to trust him again. Like I said though..you are sort of playing games when you do that, but..he did cheat so..this would be a way for you to see if he can put his money where his mouth is. If he resists temptation maybe there is hope for a future? If not..then at least you are not left wondering "what if?" and stuff.

 

Like I said though, it all comes down to if you think the guy is worth doing that for though. If you think he is and he passes the test, who knows? But yeah, depends on how strong of a connection you had.

[DArtagnan2]

Yes, time. If your ex is that serious, he will be there when the time is right and everyone is at a point where a relationship can be formed.

 

much luck your way

[ThatGirl213]

I am going to make a radical suggestion to you now, and feel free to ignore it. If you truly do love your ex and you do want to give him another shot..there are more or less ways to test his loyalty, so to speak.

 

Basically, get aholf of a friend of yours or something, someone he doesn't know. The next time your ex goes out with his buddies, etc. find out where they will be and send your friend in to try to hit on him and see if he will take the bait..or if he will resist and remain faithful.

 

I know this sounds weird, but I only mention it if you are TRULY considering wanting to give this guy another chance, and if he passed this test I know(if I was you) would at least feel a little bit better about the guys committment to being faithful and being able to trust him again. Like I said though..you are sort of playing games when you do that, but..he did cheat so..this would be a way for you to see if he can put his money where his mouth is. If he resists temptation maybe there is hope for a future? If not..then at least you are not left wondering "what if?" and stuff.

 

Like I said though, it all comes down to if you think the guy is worth doing that for though. If you think he is and he passes the test, who knows? But yeah, depends on how strong of a connection you had.

 

Hmmm....sounds like a good plan and I am moving out of the country for a year. So, I could do this at some point in the one year I will be gone. Need to find a girlfriend who would be willing to.

 

He has been promising me that he will be waiting for me and he won't do anything with anyone again while I am not around for the year. And I am here like we'll see. I won't lie the connection was strong. Yes, a lot of y'all will say he cheated, so it did not matter to him. But he is the kind who thinks he has to protect me and make sure I am safe and sound all the time because my family doesn't live in this country. Never once has he ignored me when I needed his help (whether he was having a fling or not at the time). We are also neighbors and have the same mutual best friends. So we are pretty close.

[DArtagnan2]

Hmmm....sounds like a good plan and I am moving out of the country for a year. So, I could do this at some point in the one year I will be gone. Need to find a girlfriend who would be willing to.

 

He has been promising me that he will be waiting for me and he won't do anything with anyone again while I am not around for the year. And I am here like we'll see. I won't lie the connection was strong. Yes, a lot of y'all will say he cheated, so it did not matter to him. But he is the kind who thinks he has to protect me and make sure I am safe and sound all the time because my family doesn't live in this country. Never once has he ignored me when I needed his help (whether he was having a fling or not at the time). We are also neighbors and have the same mutual best friends. So we are pretty close.

 

I don't know, why would you want to introduce him or have someone pursue him in a semi-aggressive manner. I mean, what if he thinks that this girl is better for him then you are? What if she actually gains feelings for him? What if ... what if... I just think people need to be careful what they ask for in a specific of even loose sense. Also he may just put on a show for buddies and take her number and then, when you find out, he can use that as a reason as to why he did. Which may be a valid reason as well. While you would like him to stand up for the relationship or you and say "No, I am have a girlfriend" more times then not, even the most honest will still take a number, especially if in front of the buddies.

 

Yes it would be good to know now, but at the same time, I don't believe dangling a carrot in front of the horse or a piece of raw meat in front of a shark if you don't want him to really take it is a really good idea.

Edited May 9, 2014 by DArtagnan2

[ThatGirl213]

I don't know, why would you want to introduce him or have someone pursue him in a semi-aggressive manner. I mean, what if he thinks that this girl is better for him then you are? What if she actually gains feelings for him? What if ... what if... I just think people need to be careful what they ask for in a specific of even loose sense. Also he may just put on a show for buddies and take her number and then, when you find out, he can use that as a reason as to why he did. Which may be a valid reason as well. While you would like him to stand up for the relationship or you and say "No, I am have a girlfriend" more times then not, even the most honest will still take a number, especially if in front of the buddies.

 

Yes it would be good to know now, but at the same time, I don't believe dangling a carrot in front of the horse or a piece of raw meat in front of a shark if you don't want him to really take it is a really good idea.

 

Hmm true. The possibilities are endless.