When someone isn't even open to flirting

[irc333]

Recently I had been talking to a woman online for while. Reason a while is because she was in the process of relocating from one city to this area. She was trying to get settled in, signed up for courses, and starting a new life here.

 

In her profile she strictly admits to ONLY looking for friends at this point and doesn't want anything serious right now and is just looking for friends. (of the opposite sex of course). She's busy with school and focusing on getting that on track to really

 

She also said in her profile that if you ask her if she's spending time with other people from the site, well, the answer is yes...she's just getting to know people in the area.

 

Another thing she tends to post a large daily dose of sexy selfies online (no cleavage or anything like that) just TONS of them. But when a guy flirts with her saying, "Wow, sexy pic!" she doesn't go "lol, thanks" or "like" the comment, but, "I'm not being sexy, I am just being me".

 

It's like she can't take a compliment nor be flirty. She also tends to purposely desires to start arguments or gets defensive a lot.

 

She told me at one time she did Yoga and wanted to send me a Yoga pic of her standing on her head. I said, "Very nice...very colorful photo, too".

 

She stated, "Well, the photo is really about the positioning of my legs and not about the woman in the photo".

 

It's statements like that, a tendency to correct you all the time or an attempt at some kind of arguement over a picture.

 

I also said, "easy on the eyes, too" referring to her, and she said, "Who?"

 

And I said, "You, lol"

 

She goes, "Well, thanks, friend" (Noticed she put "friend" at the end)

 

Apparently she launches into how she doesn't flirt with even her male friends and I said, "Why not? Flirting is healthy and after all you are on a dating site."

 

Anyhow, I had to launch her she seemed rather controlling and demanding in her tone as she was always trying to create arguements or something.

 

Ever run into someone like this? It's like she was the one that had to be in control with how the relationship flowed...if the other party was moving at a different pace, she wouldn't have it.

[Art_Critic]

All she is doing is keeping you in her friendzone.. by flirting you are trying to break out from that and trying to date her or look at her like a girl you might date, she doesn't want to date and is keeping her word on that..

 

Seems like a lot of work to put into someone you want to date and clearly she doesn't

[Art_Critic]

I would bet however that if she finds a guy that trips her trigger while friend shopping you can bet she will make a play for him, if she hasn't made a play for you then you don't trip her trigger and you will only be her 'friend'

[irc333]

I would bet however that if she finds a guy that trips her trigger while friend shopping you can bet she will make a play for him, if she hasn't made a play for you then you don't trip her trigger and you will only be her 'friend'

 

Though I do tend towards the mantra of keeping it light or friends first without cheesy pick up lines or whatever. I"d show you her profile if you get what I mean, but don't want to post it publicly.

 

Granted she's very intelligent, but when I talked to her on the phone, she seemed to come off as rigid. I just wanted to meet for a quick bite, but she wanted to extend the date to coffee at Panera afterwards then possibly going bowling afterwards (if I wanted).

 

I just was apprehensive if I flirted with her at any point during those 2 to 3 events throughout the day, she'd throw up a wall/barrier at any given time. I felt she was attempting to call the shots.

 

I actually stayed off her radar for a while when she contacted ME to go out once she got settled in. I thought "Hey, I'm doing something right by not appearing too available" but in hindsight, she did say something about, "Hello, I really appreciate your patience with me when I was rather busy with the movie, you were a good sport about it and now I'm ready to get together">

 

The "Good sport" words kind of....slightly...rubbed me the wrong way. It's one of those things where you ignore it, but there was just something...slightly condescending about it?

 

"Okay, you've been a good sport, so you can go out with me now"

 

I've even had women say, "I'll think about it" after I asked them out, then come back later and say, "Okay, you may ask me out"

 

"YOU may ask me out, now?" I already did. lol DId she have prep work or something?

 

I think some women like to give an appearance that the decision they made to go out with me was their own. It's like some woman is interested in dating a guy, it's like they make a concentrated effort to NOT appear desperate by phrasing words and sentences to make it appear as such.

 

Men that do the asking out = is normal

Women that do the asking out = desperate (tried to simplify the sentence above, also please assume that I mean "some" not "all")

Edited May 3, 2014 by irc333

[ASG]

That woman just has a stick up her ass... I mean... who the hell says "I'm not being sexy, just being me"??? Someone who can't take a compliment and is uptight about it.

[guest572]

Yep she sounds a bit arrogant and cold or defensive.. But it's terribly difficult to interact with someone like that and I wouldn't have had as much patience as you! I am not sure why people try to make friends on dating sites, it just doesn't work. It's not why people are there.

[Frank2thepoint]

Another thing she tends to post a large daily dose of sexy selfies online (no cleavage or anything like that) just TONS of them. But when a guy flirts with her saying, "Wow, sexy pic!" she doesn't go "lol, thanks" or "like" the comment, but, "I'm not being sexy, I am just being me".

 

...

 

She told me at one time she did Yoga and wanted to send me a Yoga pic of her standing on her head. I said, "Very nice...very colorful photo, too".

 

She stated, "Well, the photo is really about the positioning of my legs and not about the woman in the photo".

 

...

 

Apparently she launches into how she doesn't flirt with even her male friends and I said, "Why not? Flirting is healthy and after all you are on a dating site."

 

Anyhow, I had to launch her she seemed rather controlling and demanding in her tone as she was always trying to create arguements or something.

 

Ever run into someone like this? It's like she was the one that had to be in control with how the relationship flowed...if the other party was moving at a different pace, she wouldn't have it.

 

My impression is she is very controlling. She knows very well what she is doing, with the sexy selfies, and especially the yoga pose emphasizing the position of her legs. That's like her visually conveying she is flexible and likes unique sexual positions, but you can't have it, so keep fantasizing. I say this because she is posting these alluring photos on a dating website as opposed to a yoga website.

 

In addition she does feed off of the attention, and it gives her power that she can influence men with her photos, but put up barriers that nothing is going to happen. Obviously, she is specifically marketing herself to men only. It's all about control. I also sense she is totally disconnected from her emotions, like she buried her heart. Maybe she was hurt very badly in the past.

 

 

Men that do the asking out = is normal

Women that do the asking out = desperate (tried to simplify the sentence above, also please assume that I mean "some" not "all")

 

Sigh. Not again. There is nothing wrong with a woman doing the asking out. She is not desperate. It is very independent, confident, and endearing. Whether it is "some" or "all". But I'm only one man that feels this way, while plenty of women that found the courage to do it, may have been rejected so badly by egotistically stubborn men, that they just wait for the man to make the move now on. This planet sucks. I have to get off this rock.

[ASG]

Sigh. Not again. There is nothing wrong with a woman doing the asking out. She is not desperate. It is very independent, confident, and endearing. Whether it is "some" or "all". But I'm only one man that feels this way, while plenty of women that found the courage to do it, may have been rejected so badly by egotistically stubborn men, that they just wait for the man to make the move now on. This planet sucks. I have to get off this rock.

 

Thank you.

 

I am a modern woman and I don't think men have to do all the work. After swapping numbers, if I'm interested, I will initiate contact first. No skin off my back. And if the guy doesn't reply, then.. well.. I move on!

[bubbaganoosh]

She sounds like a control freak and a tease. I got a feeling that she lives by the rule of "My way or the highway". The worse kind or unless your a guy that likes to be lead around by the nose.

 

If you want to be involved with her, you better have a bottle of aspirins with you because she's going to cause a bunch of headaches.

[ThaWholigan]

This is a particular kind of woman who will probably fall for a man who ignores her and her BS. She has no power over that man, so he intrigues her.

 

Known a few women like that. They aren't a majority but fairly common.

[Allumere]

ugh...run. High maintenance and game player. She isn't stupid and she is absolutely flirting. She is stringing a whole herd of men to feed her ego.

[Kamila]

Well, at least she has boundaries, even if it's an 10.000 watt electric fence.

I think that she's just protecting her more human, easy-going self.

It's understandable.

I also have to do that all day long. Men hit on you all the time, and if you don't act hard, they'll walk all over you.

Eh, you notice her, so her tactic works ... I bet that once in a relationship with her, she'll be more receptive to flirting and lovey dovey stuff.

[DArtagnan2]

To be honest, dating websites can be more like sess pools of people just looking for hookups. My guess as to why she put what she did in her profile about only looking for friends.

 

The problem is, we have no idea what someone may have been through before to have them do what they are doing now.but we are sure quick to judge them and most times in a negative way. Truth may be she may have gotten on the website and all she received was flirtatious messages, pics or the like. So her walls go up fast when she feels someone is flirting with her who she has not engaged with in a flirtatious manner. While it may piss you off that she is quick to judge your intentions, no one likes to be falsely judged, but you yourself stated that "you are on a dating website looking to date", she is not on the website to do the same. You have made comments to her about her not flirting and that this is a website for dating so whats wrong with flirting and so on.. so I would venture to say her walls are up because she may feel you keep crossing the line. So you even saying something nice about her hair or shirt is a flirt to her probably because of comments you have made. While you know yourself, remember, she met you only a few weeks ago and doesn't know who you are really except for what you have shown in your interactions with her.

 

If you want to just be friends with her, as it appears that is all she really wants from you, then stop the comments so to gain her trust that your intentions are not of that nature. Then you will be able to compliment her without her feeling like she has to keep the boundaries visible.

Edited May 3, 2014 by DArtagnan2

[preraph]

She has been as clear as she can be that she only wants friendship and she's not given you any slack to think otherwise, so since that isn't what you want, stop wasting time with her. As for her sending pictures, yes, she sounds a bit self-indulgent. Two reasons to just leave her alone.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I gather from your other posts that you are looking for a relationship. Why then give any attention to a woman who explicitly states she is only looking for friends? Why get in interaction with this woman?

She cannot offer you what you are looking for.

 

From what you tell me she comes across as one of these women who gives double messages. I am a woman but I know a lot of women do this, also towards fellow women (try to set an appointment with a female friend... it's often an eternal back and forth - explains why I don't have a lot of female friends).

Putting sexy selfies on her profile and then pretending that she is not sexy. Sigh.

 

It will take this one half a century before she has sorted out her head. Don't be a masochist and give your time and energy to other less complicated ladies.

[irc333]

Yeah, she pretty much sealed her fate when she said, "I can't help it that I'm attractive to men that they feel the need to post what they post in the comments"

 

Her Facebook is riddled...daily...with selfies. I've never seen a woman post so many of herself in one day.

 

When I called her recently, she had a strictly, deadpan sound to her voice when she answered. No inflection. I almost thought she forgot who I was.

 

I said, "Hey, this is IRC, we met online" she goes, "Yes, I know who you are". Just something about her just made her seem rigid and terse.

 

Not, "Hey, so nice to hear from you" it's like she may have Asberger's or something.

 

Oh, she also has been posting selfies up with her and other men she's met on OK Cupid. One of the men said something like, "So I see you have a new man!"

 

ANd she said, "What? He's not my boyfriend or 'man'". SHe just doesn't react naturally in a flirty manner. She almost seems like a mysigonist (or is that misandrist)?

 

 

I gather from your other posts that you are looking for a relationship. Why then give any attention to a woman who explicitly states she is only looking for friends? Why get in interaction with this woman?

She cannot offer you what you are looking for.

 

From what you tell me she comes across as one of these women who gives double messages. I am a woman but I know a lot of women do this, also towards fellow women (try to set an appointment with a female friend... it's often an eternal back and forth - explains why I don't have a lot of female friends).

Putting sexy selfies on her profile and then pretending that she is not sexy. Sigh.

 

It will take this one half a century before she has sorted out her head. Don't be a masochist and give your time and energy to other less complicated ladies.

[todreaminblue]

I think the whole hundred selfies a day is strange,i have teens its normal for them ....i find it pretty pointless.. i think its strange not to say thank you when someone compliments you , i think it is highly unusual to take a selfie while standing on your head doing yoga because that means it was her intention to take a picture while doing yoga....rather than what yoga is really for which is to relax and stretch not to take pictures of yourself at an impossible angle to make sure people can see the position of your legs....i dont know doesnt seem...well....normal to me.....

 

but then i am a bit fruit loopy and not to good at seeing normal......maybe this is normal behaviour.......and thats why i just dont understand...why are you interested in her....its the yoga picture aint it?...smilin.....why worry irc......she is not what you are looking for

[Targetlock]

she might be good looking but not worth the trouble. you always seem to find the unusual ones, but your adventures usually make interesting reads.

Also woman asking me out = i find that hot a confident woman that knows what she wants.

[irc333]

she might be good looking but not worth the trouble. you always seem to find the unusual ones, but your adventures usually make interesting reads.

Also woman asking me out = i find that hot a confident woman that knows what she wants.

 

Yeah, and it kind of gives you an assurance that she gives a sh*t lol

[spiderowl]

Recently I had been talking to a woman online for while. Reason a while is because she was in the process of relocating from one city to this area. She was trying to get settled in, signed up for courses, and starting a new life here.

 

In her profile she strictly admits to ONLY looking for friends at this point and doesn't want anything serious right now and is just looking for friends. (of the opposite sex of course). She's busy with school and focusing on getting that on track to really

 

She also said in her profile that if you ask her if she's spending time with other people from the site, well, the answer is yes...she's just getting to know people in the area.

 

Another thing she tends to post a large daily dose of sexy selfies online (no cleavage or anything like that) just TONS of them. But when a guy flirts with her saying, "Wow, sexy pic!" she doesn't go "lol, thanks" or "like" the comment, but, "I'm not being sexy, I am just being me".

 

It's like she can't take a compliment nor be flirty. She also tends to purposely desires to start arguments or gets defensive a lot.

 

She told me at one time she did Yoga and wanted to send me a Yoga pic of her standing on her head. I said, "Very nice...very colorful photo, too".

 

She stated, "Well, the photo is really about the positioning of my legs and not about the woman in the photo".

 

It's statements like that, a tendency to correct you all the time or an attempt at some kind of arguement over a picture.

 

I also said, "easy on the eyes, too" referring to her, and she said, "Who?"

 

And I said, "You, lol"

 

She goes, "Well, thanks, friend" (Noticed she put "friend" at the end)

 

Apparently she launches into how she doesn't flirt with even her male friends and I said, "Why not? Flirting is healthy and after all you are on a dating site."

 

Anyhow, I had to launch her she seemed rather controlling and demanding in her tone as she was always trying to create arguements or something.

 

Ever run into someone like this? It's like she was the one that had to be in control with how the relationship flowed...if the other party was moving at a different pace, she wouldn't have it.

 

I can understand her. I also tend to do the same - not start arguments or post lots of pics but keep things on an intellectual level. For me, that's how I get to know that a guy is interested in me and my personality, not just the way I look. If he keeps trying to turn it flirty, I figure he has no genuine interest in anything but the physical. It's not a good tactic as most guys do give up and go away, but then again, do I want to bother with someone who can't communicate for more than a few minutes without mentioning cleavage, waistline, bums, cuddling or kisses?

 

While we are chatting, I haven't ruled him out, but if he gets frustrated at any intellectual chat, then I do give up on him or he gives up on me. We are not on the same page. Imagine you were chatting to a woman online and at every point she turned the conversation to kittens. Eventually, you would conclude she wasn't very intelligent and would you really want to hook up with someone of limited brainpower? There is a time and a place for becoming more intimate with someone and it's not in the first few discussions online. Chatting is a time to learn whether the guy is an intellectual equal or not. If he isn't, then what's the point taking it further. Even if he does have a sixpack, he's going to be boring and ultimately short term.

[irc333]

Well, I know what you're saying, but I'm intellectual enough to figure out whether a woman is rigid or not....based on my conversations with her, she seemed rather to have self-esteem issues.

 

On Facebook, she'd post how she'd lost friendships or had been offended at a few unfriendings since she left her home city to live here. She publicly posts her drama. That was kind of a red flag there, not to mention the inordinate amount of "glamour" selfies.

 

I said to her I was it was interesting that she didn't have a single "duck face" pose and she said she hates those, so she keeps it natural. I said to her, "You don't need to stick out your lips, they're nice enough without you having to do that". She went, "awwww....thank you!"

 

But it was kind of weird when we were chatting and she sent me a personal Yoga picture of her standing on her head and supporting herself. She looked great doing it, nice form and pose.

 

They say when you flirt with a woman, at least not at first, talk bout the color of the clothes she's wearing and not associate anything with her body. "Hey, that dress looks good on you" but more like, "That color looks great and matches your eyes!"

 

Something about being creative in your compliments that make it work.

 

I have to say, flirting is natural, there's nothing disingenuous about it if done sparingly, it's only disingenuous when it is over done. I kept it pretty low key in that department, but when I mentioned how I enjoyed the hi-resolution photo, she seemed to take offense at me not noticing her in her pose.

 

Also, her dating profile has seemed to evolve into a full out blog of her having an "axe to grind" with men. That she's "busy" with work and school now, and is focusing on that.

 

She's one of those single mothers that decided to go back to college, work part-time, AND has kids to take care of, so she probably wouldn't have time to do much anyway.

 

I tend to veer away from those "starting over" types, when I had already gotten my college degree and currently working full time.

 

I can understand her. I also tend to do the same - not start arguments or post lots of pics but keep things on an intellectual level. For me, that's how I get to know that a guy is interested in me and my personality, not just the way I look. If he keeps trying to turn it flirty, I figure he has no genuine interest in anything but the physical. It's not a good tactic as most guys do give up and go away, but then again, do I want to bother with someone who can't communicate for more than a few minutes without mentioning cleavage, waistline, bums, cuddling or kisses?

 

While we are chatting, I haven't ruled him out, but if he gets frustrated at any intellectual chat, then I do give up on him or he gives up on me. We are not on the same page. Imagine you were chatting to a woman online and at every point she turned the conversation to kittens. Eventually, you would conclude she wasn't very intelligent and would you really want to hook up with someone of limited brainpower? There is a time and a place for becoming more intimate with someone and it's not in the first few discussions online. Chatting is a time to learn whether the guy is an intellectual equal or not. If he isn't, then what's the point taking it further. Even if he does have a sixpack, he's going to be boring and ultimately short term.

[AdrianCrawley]

When a girl doesn't want something from you, it means she doesn't. She won't want it later, never mind what you'll do.

From what you're saying about this girl, she just wants attention. At some point she'll want more, but with someone new, not with those who already gave her attention (you included). And it will probably be someone IRL.

[Disillusioned]

Some people are WAY too hung up on flirting. They they get upset when the person they're trying to read or flirt with doesn't do things according to their silly little rule book.

 

People read me wrong all the time. I think they should just tell it like it is instead of relying on body language and innuendoes.

[irc333]

Some people are WAY too hung up on flirting. They they get upset when the person they're trying to read or flirt with doesn't do things according to their silly little rule book.

 

People read me wrong all the time. I think they should just tell it like it is instead of relying on body language and innuendoes.

 

There's no rulebook, I just found her to be a buzzkill

[spiderowl]

Yeah, she pretty much sealed her fate when she said, "I can't help it that I'm attractive to men that they feel the need to post what they post in the comments"

 

Her Facebook is riddled...daily...with selfies. I've never seen a woman post so many of herself in one day.

 

When I called her recently, she had a strictly, deadpan sound to her voice when she answered. No inflection. I almost thought she forgot who I was.

 

I said, "Hey, this is IRC, we met online" she goes, "Yes, I know who you are". Just something about her just made her seem rigid and terse.

 

Not, "Hey, so nice to hear from you" it's like she may have Asberger's or something.

 

Oh, she also has been posting selfies up with her and other men she's met on OK Cupid. One of the men said something like, "So I see you have a new man!"

 

ANd she said, "What? He's not my boyfriend or 'man'". SHe just doesn't react naturally in a flirty manner. She almost seems like a mysigonist (or is that misandrist)?

 

Ah yes, that does sound a bit odd. Very frosty sounding person. Probably best to steer well clear.