In love, but having serious qualms.

[isolatedgothic]

Back when I was in my early 20’s, I met a guy with whom I felt a real connection – common interests, background, and general personality similarities. Our relationship was fun, and I felt he could be the one. After dating several months, my mother [who was my absolute world] was diagnosed as terminal, and it was more than I could handle. I cut off my college and my entire life, and all relationships – including the one with this wonderful young man – and dedicated my entire life to her recovery, which of course did not happen. In the meantime, he went on to marry, and later, I did too.

 

Our families were interconnected due to a by-marriage relationship, so over the years, I have followed the course of his marriage, and really, he and I were never too far out of touch. Within the past year, I have moved back to my home town and he and I have reconnected. It has been total fireworks. Because I know his family fairly well, I have known his marriage has been a miserable one. I trust and believe that. However, he has never left. He tells me it was originally because of his child [who is now grown and on his own], but now he is staying because his wife’s father is terminally ill, and he wants to wait till the man passes away. Also, he wants to protect his finances as much as possible so that when divorce happens, he will still have something that he has saved over the years.

 

I am trying to be patient with that, but deep down I am very afraid that there will always be a reason why he cannot leave. I am not saying his reasons are bad reasons, because men do take a hit financially during a divorce, and it’s thoughtful to wait until FIL passes away. I would not be that thoughtful, I am afraid. We have been seeing each other for several months now. FIL is still alive, although not doing well. We’re basically cheating together on his wife, and while he claims his wife would not care and does not love him and he has proof she has cheated on him in the past, I am filled with fear that when she finds out, she will cry and plead and emotionally manipulate him into staying, and he will melt and fall for it.

 

I am trying to be understanding [he stayed for his child, now he’s staying out of decency towards his wife and her dying father and his finances are not in order yet] but when do I say “when”? When is enough, enough? If this IS the love he has been waiting for all his life, and if I AM the one who has given him the love he has long craved, and if we ARE right for each other, I do not want to desert him in his moment of difficulty. Divorce is hard! I know this first hand! I am just having trouble with why he has stayed all this time, and why he must stay now.

 

He cannot give me a timeline as to when it will be over. He tells me to be patient and he promises it will end and when it does he wants to be with me. I’d like to think he is telling me the truth, but after reading your stories, I am really worried. I have known of a few OW’s who eventually became the wife and did not get thrown aside, but I am kind of scared right now.

 

Is there a sign that will tell me that this is going to end well? Is there a sign that this is going to end badly? Help.

Edited May 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and formatting

[KaliLove]

It just strikes me as twisted that someone is waiting for someone else to die in order to do something with their life. Gives me a major case of the icks.

 

I agree with Tara though..I think there will always be an excuse and you're being strung along.

[whichwayisup]

He would have left years ago if his marriage was that bad. He more than likely has greatly exaggerated his home life with his wife, spun it to make himself look like an angel. Those who want out of a marriage do just that! They divorce! It really is that simple.

 

He isn't divorcing, he likes having the security of a marriage and you on the side. It's an affair and you fill in needs that aren't being met at home. Feed his ego, he gets the best of both worlds.

 

His whole life is wrapped up his wife, their kids, friends, family, in laws, extended family..No way he is gonna bail out on his wife even when the time comes his father in law passes away.

 

My suggestion (though not sure if you'll take it) is, leave now and tell him to only call you once he is officially divorced and maybe you'll 'date' him in a proper way. He has to leave on his own, regardless if you are in the picture or not.

[QuakerOats]

How long have you been in an affair with him? What has he said about his plans for the relationship?

 

From my own experience, MM come up with lots of excuses. Finances and son were my exMM's excuses as well. He was also allegedly in a loveless marriage. Who knows. He was still swearing he was leaving her after xyz right up until when I called it quits after 2 years.

 

I believe from reading here that most MM don't leave unless it is an "exit" affair, and then they do so within the first year. If it goes on for a long time, and there are always milestones which need to happen before the leaving can occur, I really doubt it is happening.

 

I think you'd be best off ending things. If not, protect your heart, because I suspect it is going to be broken the longer you stay in it and the longer he continues to create reasons for not leaving.

[2sunny]

Men who INTEND to divorce - get it done and finalized!

 

He's not going to divorce her. Why not date other men instead of trying to take someone else's guy?

 

And why wait for HIM to DO anything?

 

This IS up to YOU! What are YOU planning to DO today that will CHANGE it?

 

You're handing HIM all YOUR power.

 

It's time you take YOUR power back - understand he's not getting divorced and he completely willing to waste YOUR time feeding his ego.

 

What a selfish @rick! But your allowing it.

 

 

Distance yourself from him and don't look back.

[sunburned]

Back when I was in my early 20’s, I met a guy with whom I felt a real connection – common interests, background, and general personality similarities. Our relationship was fun, and I felt he could be the one. After dating several months, my mother [who was my absolute world] was diagnosed as terminal, and it was more than I could handle. I cut off my college and my entire life, and all relationships – including the one with this wonderful young man – and dedicated my entire life to her recovery, which of course did not happen. In the meantime, he went on to marry, and later, I did too.

 

Our families were interconnected due to a by-marriage relationship, so over the years, I have followed the course of his marriage, and really, he and I were never too far out of touch. Within the past year, I have moved back to my home town and he and I have reconnected. It has been total fireworks. Because I know his family fairly well, I have known his marriage has been a miserable one. I trust and believe that. However, he has never left. He tells me it was originally because of his child [who is now grown and on his own], but now he is staying because his wife’s father is terminally ill, and he wants to wait till the man passes away. Also, he wants to protect his finances as much as possible so that when divorce happens, he will still have something that he has saved over the years.

 

I am trying to be patient with that, but deep down I am very afraid that there will always be a reason why he cannot leave. I am not saying his reasons are bad reasons, because men do take a hit financially during a divorce, and it’s thoughtful to wait until FIL passes away. I would not be that thoughtful, I am afraid. We have been seeing each other for several months now. FIL is still alive, although not doing well. We’re basically cheating together on his wife, and while he claims his wife would not care and does not love him and he has proof she has cheated on him in the past, I am filled with fear that when she finds out, she will cry and plead and emotionally manipulate him into staying, and he will melt and fall for it.

 

I am trying to be understanding [he stayed for his child, now he’s staying out of decency towards his wife and her dying father and his finances are not in order yet] but when do I say “when”? When is enough, enough? If this IS the love he has been waiting for all his life, and if I AM the one who has given him the love he has long craved, and if we ARE right for each other, I do not want to desert him in his moment of difficulty. Divorce is hard! I know this first hand! I am just having trouble with why he has stayed all this time, and why he must stay now.

 

He cannot give me a timeline as to when it will be over. He tells me to be patient and he promises it will end and when it does he wants to be with me. I’d like to think he is telling me the truth, but after reading your stories, I am really worried. I have known of a few OW’s who eventually became the wife and did not get thrown aside, but I am kind of scared right now.

 

Is there a sign that will tell me that this is going to end well? Is there a sign that this is going to end badly? Help.

 

 

Oh my goodness, this is a great post for playing Capture The (Red) Flag because there are so many of them!! I tried to boldface them, but I have a feeling I probably missed a few.

 

Let's start with your last paragraph. There are all the signs in the world that this will end very badly. I see nothing to suggest otherwise.

 

This man is a walking cliche and I wonder if he held a seminar for the rest of the MM scrutinized here. Did he trickle these excuses out one by one or did he hand you the entire Power Point presentation at once?

 

It's been total fireworks: A sign of sexual attraction. Nothing wrong with that. We all feel it at some point. It does not make acting on it appropriate (I am an xMOW myself, so not judging. Merely sharing the benefit of hindsight, counseling and reading)

 

You know his marriage is a miserable one: Most MM say this (not all) but they know it will soften the AP up for having an A ... she's helping him. You do not KNOW this.

 

Child, finances, ill relative: Three of the most common excuses in the book. His child is grown. He cannot do anything about turning roughly half his assets and income over to her in a D. In most places there are few mitigating circumstances, even an A. But if you happen to live where an A can cause you greater financial loss, then he's taking a greater risk of getting caught and divorcing than he would divorcing now. As Tara said, unless he has a swiss bank accout, he can kiss half his "stuff" goodbye. So, if maintaining his current lifestyle is a priority to him, then you must understand he will never get D. As for the FIL, please. He is claiming his wife cheated on him and wouldn't care if he cheated on her. Does she really want/need his moral support?

 

(BTW it's very cute the way you call his behavior "decency" toward his wife)

 

When do you say enough is enough? NOW's good. Several months ago is better.

 

Fear she will "emotionally manipulate him" into staying: She's can't force him to stay. MM typcially stay because they want to. The only one emotionally manipulated thus far has been you.

 

No timeline for ending the M: The tiniest piece of good news. He hasn't lied about divorce being in the near future. Why don't you believe him?

 

Don't understand why he must stay: That's because at some level you ARE capable of sniffing out bullsh*t. He doesn't have to stay.

 

You've read the LS stories: That's great so you should have been smacking your head because all these sorts of excuses and lies have been thoroughly dissected on LS.. I assumed at first you hadn't yet read through the forum. But you have, so you should know your chances with him are slim to none. And that you are so much better than this guy!!

 

I'm exhausted and fed up on your behalf. Why aren't you?

[C00kie]

Hi OP,

 

As much as I don't like to generalize, there seems to be a high tendency that MM who use that kind of excuses do not leave. They may not realise they are excuses, as they sound to them (as to us, for a while) like quite valid reasons. After all, if he's staying for his wife's sake, then he must be a really good guy, right?

 

For me, it was one excuse after another, while asking me to be patient:

 

- I can't tell her, my life would be a living hell and I don't want to hurt my son

- I was going to leave now, but she's having an operation

- I can't leave now, because of finances

- I was telling her this weekend, but it's new years, so I can't ruin it

- I only tell her I love her so that she's not on my back all the time (after I saw a loving sms from him to her)

- I'm looking for a new job so that my finances get better

- I'm waiting until my son is 18

- I feel sorry for her

- I don't wanna ruin things for my son and my mother

 

This went on for a little over two years and would've continued forever probably, if I allowed him to. I broke up with him 2 months ago.

 

They may love us, but it's a toxic kind of love. Actually, I don't think you can call that love, but some of them just don't know, or can't, do better, because they're weak, flawed, broken, selfish, coward or all of them. Loving you does not equal leaving. They may mean what they say, not realising that they may not be able to make action match words. However, you expect them to realise that after a while, instead of just keeping you hanging on to fullfill his (selfish) needs.

 

I hope I don't sound bitter. I just don't want you to go through the living hell that many OW here go through. I want you to protect yourself and the best way of doing it is ending the affair. Not only to protect yourself, but because it's the right/decent thing to do.If he WANTS to, he'll find you. If he doesn't leave, there's your answer. It's a win/win situation for you. But if you stay with him, I'm afraid it might be a lose/lose situation.

 

Take care, wish you the best!

Edited May 3, 2014 by C00kie

[jellybean89]

And after his FIL dies, he will need to stay and console his wife while she grieves...and that could be a few years.

 

As for finances, that is laughable. Anything he has now or whenever he allegedly leaves, she will be entitled to. If he has $1000 now and in the next year, gains another $1000 to equal $2000...she will be entitled to $1000..so him staying because of finances is just an excuse he is giving you.

 

So you are enabling him to cheat on his wife. Yes, he claims to love you...but he cares and loves his wife too --- seeing as he wants to stay with her to be by her side while her father is ill. He has no intention of leaving..he likes having a wife and a mistress.

 

Why is that okay with you? You said you married..are you still?

 

You can wait for him...just be prepared for it to be many, many years - IF - he leaves...