Is reconciliation as friends even possible?

[angora2014]

TL;DR we broke up he doesn't talk to me anymore. Its complicated. Trying to see if there is a potential fix.

 

It has been a complicated relationship with my now ex friend/boyfriend. I really am not sure exactly what to call him. we are gay for reference. I met him about 9 months ago. we dated for a little bit and then he wasn't ready for a relationship. after not talking for a month we reconciled as friends. He did apologize for not talking to me during that time. we remained friends for a while, and then had a short stint back dating. after that he got cold feet and we stayed as friends. I still had feelings for him and he said he had feelings for me. about 5 weeks ago we got into a big fight. It was over something stupid, I made an issue with. I was hypocritical. He asked for some space and I didn't give it to him. after pressuring him he said he was finished and he didn't love me. after that he didn't want to talk anymore. I tried to talk him out of it. I tried to apologize, but he hasn't listened and he doesn't want to reconcile.

 

During the time I was involved with him I was dealing with a lot of personal issues and stress. I had legal issues, I was in my final semester graduating college. I also was unemployed at the beginning of this year until about 2 1/2 weeks ago (after we got into a fight) I had a mountain of student debt with not much options to pay it off. I was under an extreme amount of stress to put it mildly. I know it affect the relationship and I did cling to him excessively.

 

He was a product of a pretty bad upbringing. His mother was a alcoholic drug addict **** left him. He was raised by his grandmother. He was sent to a boarding school that specialized in kids from troubled homes. His best friends were away at college (he's 19). He works 6 days a week 12 hours a day, and was stressed out from working all the time. His natural reaction to conflict is to run away.

 

for the first couple of weeks I tried to chase him and I wrote letters and sent e-mails. It obviously didn't work. He stopped talking to me completely. A few days ago I sent him a final text message telling him that I accepted that he didn't love me, that we couldn't be friends anymore, and I was sorry for being a pest.

 

Right now I am done contacting him for a moment. I feel that I am too attached to him and any type of relationship with him is impossible right now (in the off chance he decides to reconcile any time soon).

 

Since he left I have managed to get most of my life together. I got a very good job and I am on track to pay back my student debt. I have been working on improving my health and well being. I am seeing a therapist (I have been seeing one for about a year).

 

I am upset with myself because I didn't live up to my promises I made to him, and I caused such an argument over something unimportant. I was impatient and wasn't perceptive to his needs. I didn't listen to good advice I was given, and it resulted in this stupid mess.

 

Personality wise I think we were compatible. I think that we were in different points in our lives that made a relationship for both of us unstable and ultimately impossible. we were both wanted a long term relationship, and were interested in being monogamous.

 

I also valued his friendship. as much as I want/wanted to be in a relationship with him. I value his friendship. I enjoyed being around him and I was okay with the idea of just being friends. I did have feelings for him, but if he wanted to see other people I would have been okay with it if we had remained friends.

 

I don't want to reconcile with him immediately. I just want to know if eventual reconciliation is possible. I am not looking to rekindle a relationship, but just be friends.

[Jiivy]

You want to be his friend, but you're still looking for opportunities to reconcile...that's not what friendships are - it's certainly not the agenda of someone going in to a genuine friendship.

 

If you're TRULY ok with him seeing other people. then you have to accept that you're TRULY ok with never ever reconciling with him either...how ****ed up are you, to want him to go through loving new men only to secretly hope they fail until the day he picks you again?

 

Understand this, plain as day - you aren't over this. You aren't ready to be his friend....

 

I loved my ex, and whilst she annoyed me, she inspired me and was a beautiful person. I'd love to be her friend...but honestly I couldn't ever sit on the sidelines and genuinely root for her relationship with a new guy. I want it to fail. I want her to want me. And even if she's the best person on the planet, I know I can't be her friend.

 

And neither can you.

[BC1980]

I don't think you can win by being a friend to your ex. I don't think it would even be a real friendship. It doesn't seem to work the majority of the time. It's a nice thing to say, but it doesn't work in theory. In a perfect world, I'd be friends with my ex too, but how could I? I would never move on, and I would always want more. That's a miserable way to live. NC is hard, but it gives you the best chance at restoring your life again. It's the lesser of the two evils, and sometimes that's all we have to choose from. It sucks. I'm sorry.

[angora2014]

I am not trying to reconcile with him today. I am taking a minimum of 10 weeks away from even trying. Its not until I work through the feelings do I think I could successfully reconcile with him(on my end). By reconciliation I mean as friends. We were good friends once, and I would have been happy to have seen him in the arms of another man if he was happy. Today, I don't think that's true, but the thought has been getting more comfortable.

 

I am taking steps to maintain no contact. I am no longer following any of social media accounts. I changed his contact name to do not contact. I have started to date a little a meet new people. I spend most of the week working or out with friends.

 

I have no intention of trying to manipulate him back into a relationship with me. If at the end of 10 weeks or however long it takes for me to get over my romantic feelings I would like to try and be friends again.

[BC1980]

I am not trying to reconcile with him today. I am taking a minimum of 10 weeks away from even trying. Its not until I work through the feelings do I think I could successfully reconcile with him(on my end). By reconciliation I mean as friends. We were good friends once, and I would have been happy to have seen him in the arms of another man if he was happy. Today, I don't think that's true, but the thought has been getting more comfortable.

 

I am taking steps to maintain no contact. I am no longer following any of social media accounts. I changed his contact name to do not contact. I have started to date a little a meet new people. I spend most of the week working or out with friends.

 

I have no intention of trying to manipulate him back into a relationship with me. If at the end of 10 weeks or however long it takes for me to get over my romantic feelings I would like to try and be friends again.

 

It's so difficult to have a platonic friendship once you have been lovers. Even if you were friends before. I think it's going to play out a lot differently than you think it will because I know it did for me. I thought I would rather have my ex as a friend than nothing at all because I just couldn't fathom the rest of my life without him in some form. It's a nice sentiment to have, but it doesn't work that way in real life. You overestimate your capability for being friends with your ex, and it's an easy thing to do. Trust me, NC is the way to go. You have to blot this person out of your life in all ways.

 

I know it doesn't seem fair, but, sometimes, the choices you are presented with aren't fair. You have to make the best choice for you.

[SCJACK]

I guess people tend to think you can gain their interest again somehow by being friends. That's what you do before you get into relationships is by being friends first. So they think if they repeat that process it'll work. But after you are labeled as an ex. I guess it doesn't work the same. You'd be their doormat and they won't want to get back with you.. I've done that to one of my ex's she was my ex and I strung her along for about a year unintentionally.. sometimes it's better to go NC.... but right now I am NC for the ex before this one and I dumped her but that doesn't make me want to come back to her either..

[SCJACK]

It's so difficult to have a platonic friendship once you have been lovers. Even if you were friends before. I think it's going to play out a lot differently than you think it will because I know it did for me. I thought I would rather have my ex as a friend than nothing at all because I just couldn't fathom the rest of my life without him in some form. It's a nice sentiment to have, but it doesn't work that way in real life. You overestimate your capability for being friends with your ex, and it's an easy thing to do. Trust me, NC is the way to go. You have to blot this person out of your life in all ways.

 

I know it doesn't seem fair, but, sometimes, the choices you are presented with aren't fair. You have to make the best choice for you.

 

This is right... your idea of being friends is how it was before the relationship.. it's never going to be the same spark like it was after it. I was hoping it would be the same but I was SO wrong..complete opposite. Almost like we're not friends. We basically aren't friends now. Only after a long time has passed will you have any chance to even become friends. But what's the point of being friends? You don't really get much benefit from friends anyways, you are better off meeting new people... same goes for me.

[todreaminblue]

I do agree with the other posters if you actually feel more than friendship for him, reconciling would be a difficult transition for you more difficult than no contact

 

I do believe you can just be friends with exes.......but boundaries need to be set.....I only recently denied friendship to an ex....have chosen to recant my denial...lol...because it just is not how i have ever handled anything to deny a friendship...makes me feel terrible..i dont damage people.not my style..who am i to deny someone a hand as a friend...but my previous relationships have been about them needing me in their lives....i end up with them.....for a time......and therefore i remain friends after......true friendship is a life long thing once given you dont take it back certainly not because they arent with you anymore......

 

keep friendship and love interest separate or it gets pretty messy and someone will get hurt...and by the sounds of your post it will be you.............consider this carefully.....i see hurt ahead...... i hope you heal and find happiness what ever path you decide to take....best wishes..deb

[angora2014]

I do agree with the other posters if you actually feel more than friendship for him, reconciling would be a difficult transition for you more difficult than no contact

 

I do believe you can just be friends with exes.......but boundaries need to be set.....I only recently denied friendship to an ex....have chosen to recant my denial...lol...because it just is not how i have ever handled anything to deny a friendship...makes me feel terrible..i dont damage people.not my style..who am i to deny someone a hand as a friend...but my previous relationships have been about them needing me in their lives....i end up with them.....for a time......and therefore i remain friends after......true friendship is a life long thing once given you dont take it back certainly not because they arent with you anymore......

 

keep friendship and love interest separate or it gets pretty messy and someone will get hurt...and by the sounds of your post it will be you.............consider this carefully.....i see hurt ahead...... i hope you heal and find happiness what ever path you decide to take....best wishes..deb

 

I have no doubt it will be difficult, but the reason I want to try is that we spent more time as friends than as lovers. Also, sexual intimacy non-existent. we were emotionally intimate, but not sexually active. It was probably the single most complicated friendship/relationship I have ever been in. If it wasn't so complicated I wouldn't even consider trying, but I conflicting emotions through most of the relationship, and I know he did too. I think the capacity to be friends is there, but it lies underneath the rubble of a failed relationship. Because the relationship was short and aborted relatively quickly and the friendship was much longer lasting, I want try if it becomes possible to do so.

[angora2014]

You came here for advice and counsel.

 

Everyone has told you "no."

 

Why do you keep insisting it should or could be, "yes"....?

 

Because I am stubborn. Everyone thinks its dickfficult and would be impossible to move on if I remained friends with him. Everyone seems to think I can't be happy for him when he falls in love with another man. I think I can get to point where I can let him go. The only thing I want is to be friends with him. I have always liked him for who he was. I don't just stop liking a person because a relationship between us didn't work out. I don't spend my time hating someone or inventing reasons to hate them. I understand why a relationship between us failed, that doesn't mean that a friendship is impossible.

 

I am not asking if it is a good idea or a bad idea, but merely if it is possible to reconcile as friends. At the point in which I would reach out to him I would be sure that I was completely happy with him seeing, dating, and marrying someone else. The unusual nature of the relationship/friendship makes me hopeful that we can one day reconcile. He was a friend that I developed feelings for, and he develooed feelings for me. So a break is undoubtly necessary to work past those feelings.

 

I would hope that afterwards, we could be friends again, but I don't know. That's what I wanted to know. If it is possible given the unusual circumstances that a friendship is possible again.

 

I don't like leaving a friendship permanently unless its toxic. I don't think we were toxic to each other, but I think circumstance made the potential relationship fail, and ultimately caused the friendship to have a falling out.