How to be less shy....How to be less boring...

[thecrucible]

I am an introvert and I often feel like people consider me boring. I'm fun when I get out of my shell but I'm a deep thinker, quieter, sensitive and thoughtful so this is more often the kind of character I naturally project. I worry doubly that it turns people off me in a dating sense as well as a friend sense. I do put myself out there but probably need to do it a bit more. I do love striking up conversation with people but it feels like I do a lot of the initiating and maybe I come across as unapproachable to people.

 

 

I'm working on myself. I have hobbies which I pursue and I do lots of volunteering. I like to do things. I never sit around doing nothing. I also have a fair number of friends, although I'd like to make some more. I've had my fair share of boyfriends also so I don't feel unlovable but I would like to seem more engaging to people, to get more people fascinated by me and what I am about.

 

 

I struggled with social anxiety in the past, and had troubles with boundaries. I had a lot of fair weather friends - saw me as a nice person who was nice to talk to but didn't really care about me at all or find me interesting. I'd really like more genuine friends. I'm a strong person so I don't let it get to me but I am dying to make more friends who have a genuine interest in me. I've experienced similar things with men - guys who've been with just because they like what I look like, date me for a few months pretty much just for the sex then just leave. It sucks big time. I've been in long-term relationships too but the guys have left because they "can't give [you] the love [you] need" or are focussed on their careers.

 

 

I wish people would give me more of a chance sometimes...but I'm not naive and I am prepared to do the work of putting myself out there.

 

 

What else can I do about this? I don't feel like I need to prove myself to anyone but it would be nice not to feel like my contributions are being taken for granted, would be nice to have more people actually care about what I have to say, ask about how my day/life is going. I definitely do this with other people more too.

 

 

I hate feeling constantly overlooked by people.

[NoMoreJerks]

I was like you. I have to say, I still do have my introvert moments, but I no longer consider myself an introvert. I am very sociable and even extroverted when I am around people. I have learned to put myself out there and risk rejection or disrespect, because I realized that without making yourself vulnerable in that way, you cannot have the things that allow you to pursue a "normal" life (having a decent number of friends and good dating prospects). Think of it this way: what are you gonna lose by, for example, being more chatty? Or going to a complete stranger and striking up a conversation? Worst case scenario they will tell you off... but you will no longer have to see them again in your life. It's not as easy with people who are already part of your life, but it gets easier once you adopt that sort of mentality where you feel that people who will judge you based on your attempts to open up and be friendly, etc., are not worth your time or friendship! I don't know if that helps in any way..

 

And btw, I don't think people who do not talk a lot are boring by default! I am sure you have a lot of interests -- it's just a matter of opening up and starting to talk about it and sharing with others what you are passionate about, rather than keeping it to yourself or thinking about it in your head only...

 

For what it's worth : you can't make people respect you, but you can respect yourself by refusing to associate with them once you realize what they are like. You can't control people. You can control your own responses to people who disrespect you. I mirror the behavior of those around me. If they say hi or if their body language looks friendly when I am around, I say hi. Otherwise, I ignore them. It has been working well for me. Even those who had been ignoring me and disrespecting me have been intrigued by my change of behavior (from fuming about them disrespecting me, to keeping my cool and doing exactly the same as they are doing) and have started talking to me... and then I get to choose if I still want to associate with them (generally not).

Edited May 4, 2014 by NoMoreJerks

[thecrucible]

Thanks NoMoreJerks

 

 

I have no problem going up to complete strangers and starting a conversation. I do this all the time. The issue is more taking that conversation into a friendship. It obviously takes time to make friends though. I live in a small town and everybody pretty much already knows each other. It's really hard to become friends with anyone you know because they already have their own handpicked groups of people to spend time with. I want genuine friendships with people who genuinely like me, not just people who see me as easy/fun to talk to. It's nice to hear that from people but it makes me think they don't enjoy me as a person.

 

 

I even approach men I like, although this is easier when I've been drinking. Otherwise, it's hard for me to find an ice-breaker...but I would like to become better at this. If I like a guy, I sort of freeze on the spot almost. It's even harder for me to be charismatic and carry-on a conversation. Just feel I've blown it with a guy I like recently. He may not ever be interested in me but when I met up with him, I tried to get out of my shell more but was under the weather and not as talkative as I could have been - felt like he didn't take much interest in what I had to say...it was awkward haha. He doesn't communicate with me anymore.

 

 

And btw, I don't think people who do not talk a lot are boring by default! I am sure you have a lot of interests -- it's just a matter of opening up and starting to talk about it and sharing with others what you are passionate about, rather than keeping it to yourself or thinking about it in your head only...

 

 

I think this is the main problem. I'm not used to people actually being interested in what I have to say so it's really hard for me to start talking about something I like.

 

For what it's worth : you can't make people respect you, but you can respect yourself by refusing to associate with them once you realize what they are like. You can't control people. You can control your own responses to people who disrespect you. I mirror the behavior of those around me. If they say hi or if their body language looks friendly when I am around, I say hi. Otherwise, I ignore them. It has been working well for me. Even those who had been ignoring me and disrespecting me have been intrigued by my change of behavior (from fuming about them disrespecting me, to keeping my cool and doing exactly the same as they are doing) and have started talking to me... and then I get to choose if I still want to associate with them (generally not).

 

 

 

Thanks. That's good advice. I tend to be quite friendly and ignore what people are like. It's really hard for me to stop being friendly to everyone but if people are just giving me unfriendly body language then I won't bother with them anymore. I'll try out your suggestion anyway. I don't want to be treated like a child simply because I act cute and smile-y. It sucks.

 

 

A terrible ex has been trying to get in touch with me but I've ignored every text. He said something which offended me as well...he says "you just need someone to look after you". The hell I need that. I can look after my own self thank you very much. I wish I'd been sassier at the time and said what my exact thoughts were rather than bottling it in.

 

 

It's probably more assertiveness than anything else that's my issue. I don't like just doing/saying something...I need to know I'm doing something that people agree with rather than just barging in. However I've noticed that people seem to respect me more if I act more like that. It's so hard to get the balance right. I've figured that for jobs I have to act like I own the place when I get interviewed otherwise no one takes me seriously.

[d0nnivain]

You don't sound boring at all, just introverted which isn't a bad thing. Someone who takes the time to know you will find a good friend.

 

As for overcoming your natural shyness. You can start slow. For a week or so just smile at random strangers. Smile. That's it. Then when you get more comfortable doing that, start saying hello. The rest should follow.

 

You can also try joining a group callled ToastMasters. If money is not an issue consider taking a Dale Carnegie class.

[thecrucible]

You don't sound boring at all, just introverted which isn't a bad thing. Someone who takes the time to know you will find a good friend.

 

As for overcoming your natural shyness. You can start slow. For a week or so just smile at random strangers. Smile. That's it. Then when you get more comfortable doing that, start saying hello. The rest should follow.

 

You can also try joining a group callled ToastMasters. If money is not an issue consider taking a Dale Carnegie class.

 

 

 

You guys are awesome. People on here are great with advice

 

 

I'm thinking about toastmasters. I've read Carnegie's book but didn't realise there were classes.

 

 

Is there something like that in the UK? I'm going to check it out. (Oh thank you google. Looks like there is!)

 

 

Thanks Donnivain

[bluecrabroll]

I'm an introvert at my baseline and there are days where I am off work and I will not speak my first word until after lunch as I appreciate the deep thinking and letting my mind wander for hours while staring at the sky or the beach.

 

But my friends say I am goofy, loud, wear my heart on my sleeve (what you see is what you get) and that may mean because I am out of my shell around them. I too have only a handful of true friends and I actually prefer it that way.

 

I believe the way I learned to be more approachable and open is to know yourself first and as others have said respect yourself so you no longer care what others think of you. Be yourself and everything else will come. If you put yourself out there you are vulnerable to anyone that may take advantage of you but when you make a great friend its always worth it.

 

You are most likely a wonderful and unique person that someone would be lucky and fortunate to have if they invested the time to get to know you.