In love with my best friend and father figure to her son

[rick812]

I am in an extremely tough situation. I am in love with one of my best friends. I guess I should start from the beginning. I met my best friend about three years ago. I am a male and she is a female. We actually went out on a date, however, I was newly broken up with my ex-girlfriend and not looking for anything serious. I was under the impression that she was, therefore I did not pursue anything with her. She even tried to pursue me, but I was not ready, and did not want to hurt her. I kept thinking that I would snap out of it, and then would pursue something with her. By the time I was ready, she had put me in the "friend" category, however we did not maintain this friendship and did not speak for months.

 

I few months later, I contacted her to see how she was doing. It just so happened that she had just found out that she was pregnant. The father of the baby decided he did not want to be a part of the pregnancy. I felt so sorry for her, so I started spending time with her so that she would not be alone. I was still dating other girls at this time. The more time that I spent with her, the more I saw what a beautiful person that she is, and started developing strong feelings for her. I also stopped dating other women. I was with her daily through her pregnancy, and was even there for the birth of her son.

 

Needless to say, I did not express to her how i felt, so I kept it inside until the right moment. Her son is now 18 months old. His father has now come into the picture, however he and my friend are not together in any way. He is also not a positive male ffigure in his life. During this last 18 months, I have also become a big part in her son's life. He has become very attached to me and even calls me "dada." Needless to say this has caused me to have even stronger feelings for my friend. My friend has dated two guys within the past year, but neither relationship has worked.

 

Last April, I finally told her how I felt. i told her that i had fallen in love with her, and that I would like to pursue a relationship with her. Her response is that "it would never work" between us, even though she does admit that with the exception of a sexual relationship, we have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. She also says that she finds me extremely attractive, successful, the perfect guy, but states that if we did try and it did not work our friendship would be over. She even said that she did not want to start anything now which would jeopardize any possibility in the future.

 

We then decided that things were getting too close with us, and that we should take a break. This break lasted about a weak, and she called on me for help. This same senario has played itself out since last april every few monts. However, everytime she uses her son to bring me back into her life. I told her how painful it is for me, but she keeps using him to bring me back, and when it comes to her son, i just can't say no. I see the two of them daily, and it is really effecting my relationships with other women. I can not give any other woman a fair chance when I have such strong feelings for my friend. However, she seems very willing to date other guys. On the flip side, I am the only positive male figure in her son's life and i don't want to abandon him. I just don't know what to do.

[kypepeo]

I thought I had replied this thread yesterday so if you see another reply from me don't worry about it. If was in her shoes I would probably be doing the same thing because relationships are tricky and if she starts something with you, she losses you as a friend if it doesn't go well. She's running scared and doesn't want to risk that.

 

I think that there's something real between you two and you shouldn't let that go but it's not fair on you that she keeps pulling you back. Tell her that it's all or nothing coz you can't be living the way you are. For her it's a comfortable situation so she won't want it to change but if that's the case, then leave and don't come back no matter what (unless of course she's interested in a relationship) Put your foot down otherwise the relationship will never change. Stand up for yourself and go for what you want. You have to decide what that is before talking to her so that whatever happens, you already have an answer to the situation.

[Rick812]

My last post was almost two months ago and I wanted to give an update to my situation. I first want to thank Kypepeo for her response. Now since my last posting, I have started to see someone else. What is interesting is how my friend has reacted to this. First, she has been very distant with me the last several weeks and extremely irritated with me. Any little thing I do, she is just ready to blow up. Now seeing that I am still helping her out with her son, we do still have a lot of contact with one another. But I have noticed that our phone conversations are very short, and we don't spend any time together alone. We either see each other when her son is around or someone else is around. In addition, she will not call the girl that I am seeing by her name. It is "So How are things with your girlfriend going?" and does not seem to be very enthusiastic about me seeing this new girl. She doesn't ask about her, but about one a week asks how things are going with her with an attitude. When I say things are going fine, she is just quiet. Now, my friend said she just wanted to be platonic with me, so why is she acting this way?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Your friend does not know what she wants. She wants you as a friend, and wants that closeness with you, and you being otherwise involved interferes with that (at least in her mind), but at the same time, she is afraid to take it to the next level with you, for fear of screwing up the friendship. It's a difficult situation, and it is hard to tell you what you should do. That largely depends on what your feelings are for the new GF, and what your feelings still are (or are not) for your friend. Back in February, someone recommended having a talk with her about how you can't do this, and how you want more, but then, if you really care about the new GF, maybe that isn't the answer anymore. If not for the new GF, I would probably tell you to have that talk with her, about wanting ALL that a good relationship involves, and how much you enjoy being part of her and her son's life and how you want an exclusive relationship with her, but then, there is the new GF factor. Your own feelings have to be the determining factor in what you do next, if anything. Good luck.