Should I end my friendship with my best guy friend with benefits to stop hurting?

[sminnow]

I'm in the same tutorial class with this Brazilian guy who's 3 years younger than me. I'm 24 years old, and I'm Asian.

I've known him since January last year, and we've always been "bros", he's an introvert, so he doesn't have a lot of friends in his life, so we became really good friends. We could talk for hours, Skype each other every day for hours, and just be ourselves. I know him very well, and I know he's very comfortable with me. Though, he doesn't treat me like a lady at times.

 

 

We both agreed that what we have is platonic, despite all the carnal acts we have.

But, then, we went on a trip last January, just the two of us, and things got intense - we started "playing" with each other. Then, eventually, we became FWB. For about 3 months now. We're in a very weird relationship. He calls me "bro", but I'm not sure why he would sleep with me, if I'm just his bro. He told me, he never had anything like this with any other people.

 

Every time we're together, the sexual tension is so strong, that he'd get really "happy" down there, and he'd always tell me, this never happened to other girls he's been with. We got into a fight once, and he punched me after I slapped his face and he told me, he has never loved someone as much as me, and never ****ed up with someone as much as he fcked me up. He told me, "I feel like jumping through the ****ing window right now.(because, he hurt me) You are the best thing that happened to me. And somehow I can only manage to hurt you. I wish I could give you excuses, I wish I could say I was worried that my grandfather would die, I wish I could say I feel like I should treat women bad cause of the way I saw my father being mistreated and cheated by my mother.. But I can't. I could never imagine myself hurting you the way I did. I don't know why I love you so much and I can't show it.

 

Everything is coming back to me now, how I mistreated you all this time, and it's making me feel like ****. You have no idea how much this is weighting on my conscience, I''ve always despised anyone who would even touch a woman with the intention of harming her, and now I realize that I'm what I always hated

 

"You mean so much to me you have no idea, I wish I could tell you that before, I wish I could show you. But my ****ing insecurities wouldn't let me. I remind everything I said you, everything I did to you. Really, now it seems like I'm not even worth your friendship. I'm ****ed up in the head, more than you could imagine. I have something inside of me that I try to control and hide. I can easily say you're the person that know me the best, you've seen everything about me, not anyone in my life know that much about who I really am as you do.". I forgived him. He told me not to tell anyone else that we're sleeping together, and when I ask him why he told me, its because he doesn't want to be in the midst of gossiping Brazilians, and that, he ask the same thing from every girl he's having something with.

 

I think, I am developing feelings with him, I thought I was the only girl he's screwing around. Or, maybe its just because all the oxytocin confusing me, I can get really possessive to be honest. But, last April, I found out he has a "thing" with another Brazilian girl. Everything made sense to me, because I know him very well, those times he's not online, I know he's with the other girl. It hurts.. so bad. I got so very depressed, jealous and I just can't get over the fact, that I'm the "new" girl, because what they had, was longer in terms of duration. I'm not sure the extent of their relationship, but he gives her gifts, the girl clearly likes him a lot, too and he told the girl, I like you, too.

 

I realised that I'm the new girl that he's sleeping with now in his life. I actually wanted to win him over the other girl. I wanted to improve myself so much and be amazing, that eventually he'd pick me, not her. Despite the fact that he's extremely good looking and, he's very closed and secretive about everything else, I value him for the mental connection we have, I love him for his brain and mind.

Is this a bad idea?

I'm so confused really.

If he really likes me, why the need to meet the other FWB he has?

I'm way too emotionally invested with him now. I don't want to give up without a fight. The chemistry we have, is really strong and Ive never been so comfortable with another guy in my life.

I really don't want to jeopardise the friendship by telling him that I've developed feelings for him. He is my best friend here. And, I'm really attached to him.

I need to stop feeling jealous and possessive.

I'm depressed and angry every time I imagine that he's with another woman.

How could I move on?

How could I stop hurting?

What should I do?

Edited May 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to F&L

[maiden of rohan]

My rule is: when it starts to hurt, stop.

 

It sounds like this doesn't really hold any benefits for you. It also sounds like you're both on different pages. He's happy to play the field as it were, and you want something deeper/more exclusive. All FWBs require each party to be on the same page and to have a firm understanding of what the other wants/ expects from it for it to be "successful."

 

Right now, this is causing you more pain than it is pleasure. It's hard, but it's not complicated what you need to do. You need to disentangle yourself from him and this situation. Let him find another "bro" he can do this with, and work on what you want, and getting that from somewhere else.

[Els]

"Best guy friends with benefits"? Honestly, I don't even understand how that is possible. "Best friend" implies that you feel you have a mental and emotional connection with the person. "With benefits" implies that you have a sexual connection with the person. Basically, what many women want in a relationship... a best friend whom you're attracted to sexually.

 

Staying in a situation that has you feeling that way towards him while he isn't reciprocating, sounds like a recipe for disaster. Definitely need to move on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My rule is: when it starts to hurt, stop.

 

 

Yep that's my rule too. I was involved in my fair share of f-ed up situations that are probably really "off" by society and LS standards. But as long as I wasn't in pain over it and I didn't give a situation or a guy that much thought, it was all good. It sounds like you are WAY past that threshold though.

[sminnow]

it's just really, really hard to stop having coitus with him and to move on.

he's my best friend here, and he's always been there for me.

he caused me so much pain, yet i persevere because of all the little happy moments he gives me.

[d0nnivain]

. We got into a fight once, and he punched me after I slapped his face and he told me, he has never loved someone as much as me, and never ****ed up with someone as much as he fcked me up. ?

 

 

This is unhealthy on so many levels.

 

 

The minute there is physical violence, it needs to be over & fast. Run don't walk away.

 

 

There's too much emotional pain & dysfunction here. Let it go.

[darkmoon]

date others too cuz he is after all, he might be very nice, but unless he wants you to be exclusive (no) then get out more, get out of the rut that you are in

 

 

you know, have fun dressing up and all that, even meet his replacement, not a secret one, that is not a relationship working very well, it sounds like a sad lil prison, free yourself up and out, he might be shocked to know that, idk, just seek some happiness for yourself

Edited May 9, 2014 by darkmoon

[sminnow]

i can't stop crying and hurting, every time i imagine he's wrapped up with another girl, saying sweet nothings like he does to me.

and, i don't know how to make it stop, stop feeling, how to move on, how to stop feeling the way i am feeling towards him. :'(

i guess I'm putting up with everything, because i don't want to be all alone.

that over time i have come to not just love him as a good friend, but fall in love with him as well. i fell in love with his imperfection and his flaws. i accept him for who he is.

because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than him.

[d0nnivain]

You have to find a way to let him go.

 

 

If he's wrapped up in another woman, he's already made a choice & it's not you. Sorry.

 

 

Take some time to stand on your own two feet. Get to know yourself.

 

 

The good news is your dysfunctional relationship with your former FWB, should have taught you two things:

 

 

One, how to recognize the dysfunction when you see it

 

 

and

 

 

Two, that you are capable of depth of feeling. If you had it with him, it will be so much better with the right person.

 

 

Hang in there.

[darkmoon]

you won't be all alone, you need a female friend to go clubbing with or something

 

 

so get out more, go where their are people, a library or art classes, where attending on your own is normal and easy

 

 

for some all alone is a lifestyle choice its merits are freedom and calm, not somebody putting you just a bit out of your depth