Thinking of quitting online dating

[mr_dave]

After having had a year as a singleton I thought it might be nice to try and meet some girls and hopefully find myself a nice new girlfriend.

With that in mind, and encouraged by some friends that as a "good looking guy" I'd "clean up" in OLD I set up a profile on POF...

 

I've used about half a dozen pictures of me doing various things and made my profile light-hearted and honest. My appraisal of my own attractiveness is that I'm about average looking but with a great physique. So with that in mind I messaged more attainable girls whom I found to be cute, rather than extremely beautiful.

 

I was initially very selective, sending out carefully tailored messages to girls that really grabbed my attention, but to no avail. I decided to be a little more indiscriminate, and have now over the course of three months sent out about 300 first messages, getting maybe a 10% reply rate, and maybe once a week I will receive a first message from someone.

 

I have so far been on dates with four girls, who were nice and likeable, all my dates went on for hours, but unfortunately I wasn't really attracted to them. I don't mind being rejected, but I feel so terrible rejecting people. (Although I always make sure to pay for the dates! )

I hate to hurt anyone's feelings so I tell them I'm not quite over my ex after all - I'd rather they think I was a jerk rather than them feel as though there was something wrong with them.

 

On a very rare foray into town with some friends for a night out the other weekend, I found myself the recipient of some rather unexpected female attention, suffering a few unsolicited gropings.

 

It had me thinking though, would I be better served just sticking to real life? I'm not looking for ONSs or short terms girlfriends, I just want to find that special girl.

Or failing that is there anyone here with a POF profile I could PM to let me know where I could be going wrong and not coming across too well?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[SadNLonley]

I'm with ya on the OLD. I dont get it. I met my ex online when we were both separated from marriage. Maybe that was different, but now that I am single and really looking to get out and meet someone, it seems Im not good enough for the guys Im attracted to. Ive only been online for a couple weeks, but reached out to 10 or so men and not ONE replied. Sure, they looked at my profile but that was it. I know 10 doesnt sound like a lot, but Im rather picky and for me to actually reach out to someone says something. The men that ARE contacting me are not meeting what I am looking for. Either too young, too old, too far away, etc.

 

I think OLD people are much more critical on looks too. Im not saying Im HOT, but I have been told that Im quite attractive, but put me online with 100's to 1000's of gals, and im not cute at all.

 

I think I may be good for some. Im thinking that meeting someone in person is so much better. I know that is hard as well, hence the OLD, but you get to see, talk, get to know someone better that way.

[thecrucible]

I have so far been on dates with four girls, who were nice and likeable, all my dates went on for hours, but unfortunately I wasn't really attracted to them. I don't mind being rejected, but I feel so terrible rejecting people. (Although I always make sure to pay for the dates! )

I hate to hurt anyone's feelings so I tell them I'm not quite over my ex after all - I'd rather they think I was a jerk rather than them feel as though there was something wrong with them.

 

On a very rare foray into town with some friends for a night out the other weekend, I found myself the recipient of some rather unexpected female attention, suffering a few unsolicited gropings.

 

It had me thinking though, would I be better served just sticking to real life? I'm not looking for ONSs or short terms girlfriends, I just want to find that special girl.

Or failing that is there anyone here with a POF profile I could PM to let me know where I could be going wrong and not coming across too well?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

 

Hey I know what you mean about online dating..

 

 

It's so different to real life. In real life, you don't think about whether you find someone attractive or not because that's the whole reason you end up on a date in the first place. Whereas I go on dates with online and I question whether I'm really attracted to them or not. I think it's better to treat a first date like a 'meeting' because of that.

 

 

When you're looking for that special someone it's harder. You end up being really picky 'cause there are so many choices. If I was looking for shorter term, I'd find it a lot easier. I like going on dates and I'm open-minded but hate leading someone on. I say the same kind of thing as you or I say "I'm sorry I'm not ready for a relationship". I hate hurting people's feelings as well.

 

 

I wanna help in some way. You can PM me your profile and I'll let you know what you think. I think it's kind of a numbers game though and you seem like an attractive guy who does really well in dating.

[thecrucible]

I think OLD people are much more critical on looks too. Im not saying Im HOT, but I have been told that Im quite attractive, but put me online with 100's to 1000's of gals, and im not cute at all.

 

 

 

Me too. I don't have any pictures of my figure on there even though I've been complimented on it. I think I fit more into the 'cute' category, not hot so-to-speak. I don't message the 'hot hot hot' ones anymore. I talk to guys I know are within in my league but some of them don't reply. Or they ask me out and then delete their account haha

[irc333]

I think I'll "limit" what I do when it comes to OLD....meaning I'll only keep meets to women that are local ( granted the have all their teeth and don't walk around with hair curlers still in their head). That way, the LONG drive to parts unknown won't seem like a waste of time. lol

 

After having had a year as a singleton I thought it might be nice to try and meet some girls and hopefully find myself a nice new girlfriend.

With that in mind, and encouraged by some friends that as a "good looking guy" I'd "clean up" in OLD I set up a profile on POF...

 

I've used about half a dozen pictures of me doing various things and made my profile light-hearted and honest. My appraisal of my own attractiveness is that I'm about average looking but with a great physique. So with that in mind I messaged more attainable girls whom I found to be cute, rather than extremely beautiful.

 

I was initially very selective, sending out carefully tailored messages to girls that really grabbed my attention, but to no avail. I decided to be a little more indiscriminate, and have now over the course of three months sent out about 300 first messages, getting maybe a 10% reply rate, and maybe once a week I will receive a first message from someone.

 

I have so far been on dates with four girls, who were nice and likeable, all my dates went on for hours, but unfortunately I wasn't really attracted to them. I don't mind being rejected, but I feel so terrible rejecting people. (Although I always make sure to pay for the dates! )

I hate to hurt anyone's feelings so I tell them I'm not quite over my ex after all - I'd rather they think I was a jerk rather than them feel as though there was something wrong with them.

 

On a very rare foray into town with some friends for a night out the other weekend, I found myself the recipient of some rather unexpected female attention, suffering a few unsolicited gropings.

 

It had me thinking though, would I be better served just sticking to real life? I'm not looking for ONSs or short terms girlfriends, I just want to find that special girl.

Or failing that is there anyone here with a POF profile I could PM to let me know where I could be going wrong and not coming across too well?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[AdrianCrawley]

Online dating didn't work for me. Well real-life dating doesn't work either. That's 'cause after sending some messages, or after inviting some girls out in RL, I found that maybe I'm not attractive. So I stopped trying.

I dunno, maybe I'm very ugly and I don't realize that. And I have a severe problem with my teeth, they need to be fixed. But online you can't see those broken teeth, and still, no dates, and mostly no replies of any kind.

Also... I'm thinking... if no one cares to go on a date with me, or even to have a chat, while the only real thing they know about me is how I look... that means they don't like that. And... IF I'm am only liked or disliked based on looks... than what's the point of it all ? Why bother searching for soul-mates and such if all that matters are the looks, no one is actually interested to see what's behind them ?

[HappyLove]

Success in OLDing has nothing to do with looks. It's just simply A WASTE OF TIME! There are people who would be considered a 10 who can't find a match there. I finally realized what a waste of time it is and decided to make an effort in dating IRL. Even after you get a first date online the person is still looking for something better. Sorry but that's the mentality online. The sooner you wake up and realize what a joke it is and increase your efforts in dating IRL the better off you'll be. If your afraid to approach a woman IRL or meet men it's time to tackle your issues because sorry to tell ya but OLDing is a joke and works for very FEW people.

[SadNLonley]

It just seems the rational thing to do if you're not meeting anyone IRL. I dont seclude myself. I get out with girlfriends, but its not as easy as it used to be. Im probably much older than the rest of you. When I was young, guys were everywhere. Not so much these days.

 

The OLD though, I have heard success stories, but for the most part, at least on these forums, people are not having luck with it. At least its not just me. The money for these sites though.... they are making a fortune.

[organizedchaos]

No reason you can't do both. Just don't put so much value or effort in to OLD. treat it as an extension or another tool in your arsenal. I think many people put all their chips in to OLD as their only method of meeting someone and will be disappointed. It's like playing the lottery as the only way you try to earn a living. You will be disappointed! So just go on, send some messages and don't sweat it so much. And DONT over analyze every single person or interaction as some on here do. You'll drive yourself crazy, along with everyone else here. Just have fun with it.

[irc333]

LOL....funny becuse it's true, but it's not limited to this board....if you go to online dating review sites....you'll see a comments section LOADED with the same kind of complaints.

 

 

For many, online dating is a process.

 

Online Dating Process

 

1. See / Hear great things about it on TV Commercials, from other Online Daters and give it a whirl.

 

2. Go through all the trouble to set up a profile.

 

3. Come to Loveshack to complain / vent after lack or responses, too many responses from the wrong people, bad conversations with potential suitors, awful dates and most dates are with people who misrepresented themselves (old pictures, their height, their weight, their age, whether they are single or not, say the want a relationship but only want sex, etc.)

 

4. Loveshack (those who are still in the online dating process) attacks / blames you and tells you not to give up. The fact that Online Dating is 90% losers, creeps, psychos, sickos, weirdos, attention whores, perverts, liers, rebounders, people who are already in a relationship or married, desperate, needy, unattractive, socially awkward, people who say they are looking for the "the one" when truthfully they prey upon those desperate enough to online date for only sex, etc. does not matter.

 

5. LS will make suggestions for how to improve your profile or have you try another online dating site.

 

6. You come back to Loveshack to complain / vent that you are getting the same results. Which is lack or responses, too many responses from the wrong people, bad conversations with potential suitors, awful dates Your profile changes didn't work.

 

7. Loveshack (those who are still in the online dating process) attacks / blames you yet again and tells you to keep doing it.

 

8. You start to scratch your head and question what you now know to be true about online dating and start to notice the other 100,000+ posts where other people like you never had the same experiences and never met anyone worth a crap.

 

9. You keep getting the same results online dating, come back to LS to share your results, get attacked / blamed for it and repeat this cycle several times.

 

10. You finally retire from online dating and inform LS. Some share they went through the same process and came as conclusion as you did. Some who are still in the process above attacks and blames you.

[irc333]

Unfortunately, some people DO use the site as their soul source of meeting someone, they won't attend real life Meetup events because either they are socially awkward or they see the list in the RSVP line-up and go "ew...bunch of ugly guys/women" and stay at home on a Sat night, logged into Match.com or POF. lol

 

 

No reason you can't do both. Just don't put so much value or effort in to OLD. treat it as an extension or another tool in your arsenal. I think many people put all their chips in to OLD as their only method of meeting someone and will be disappointed. It's like playing the lottery as the only way you try to earn a living. You will be disappointed! So just go on, send some messages and don't sweat it so much. And DONT over analyze every single person or interaction as some on here do. You'll drive yourself crazy, along with everyone else here. Just have fun with it.

[organizedchaos]

Unfortunately, some people DO use the site as their soul source of meeting someone, they won't attend real life Meetup events because either they are socially awkward or they see the list in the RSVP line-up and go "ew...bunch of ugly guys/women" and stay at home on a Sat night, logged into Match.com or POF. lol

 

And THUS, the cycle continues, and they continue to b***h and moan about OLD.

[AdrianCrawley]

Unfortunately, some people DO use the site as their soul source of meeting someone, they won't attend real life Meetup events because either they are socially awkward or they see the list in the RSVP line-up and go "ew...bunch of ugly guys/women" and stay at home on a Sat night, logged into Match.com or POF. lol

 

I'll tell you why they (me included) don't attend RL Meetup events: Because there's no point in that. You go there and if you have ONE unattractive thing, you'll eventually get some conversation, but that's it. You go home drunk, but still able to walk and think about why you went there.

If you go there and have ANY standard... you're outta luck. There is no room for standards of any kind there.

So, wasting time and money, getting all dressed up, lowering any possible standard below the sea level... and still no luck.

Because... I'm guessing (rather I'm sure of it, but it sounds better this way) women dating online are pickier and much more strict then the ones IRL. I'd like to be contradicted, but I know that ain't gonna happen, 'cause that's the truth - going for too long without any significant other makes people raise impossible standards, especially because there's always someone better (that's what they all hope).

That being said - it is more likely to date someone IRL then online.

Of course, I'm not speaking for myself, for me dating is not possible either online, either IRL.

[mr_dave]

Thanks for your input guys

[mr_dave]

I wanna help in some way. You can PM me your profile and I'll let you know what you think. I think it's kind of a numbers game though and you seem like an attractive guy who does really well in dating.

 

You have a PM.

[Frank2thepoint]

It had me thinking though, would I be better served just sticking to real life? I'm not looking for ONSs or short terms girlfriends, I just want to find that special girl.

Or failing that is there anyone here with a POF profile I could PM to let me know where I could be going wrong and not coming across too well?

 

I haven't done online dating in over four years. I have had a couple of dates, but nothing solidified. I even got a woman that lied about her height. She ended up being taller than me. I've also written tailored messages and generic messages, with neither being much of a success. I've had women send me a wink/like, I reached out to them, and no response. People are fickle. Nevertheless, online dating from a technological and social standpoint, is an asset because you can cast a wider net, improve your chances for finding someone similar to your interest and values. Prior to the Internet, you just had whatever was within a 20 miles radius or through acquaintances/friends to choose from. Well you still have that, but real life meeting has the much important value of seeing the person live, as opposed to some pictures and a personal description that may be true.

 

You've had dates through online dating, and now you've also met someone in real life. So online dating is not a total loss for you. It can supplement your real life endeavors. But I am curious, the women you've met through online dating, why weren't your attracted to them? Did they misrepresent themselves online?

 

 

I don't message the 'hot hot hot' ones anymore.

 

So does this mean you only message the 'hot' and 'hot hot' ones only?

[organizedchaos]

I'll tell you why they (me included) don't attend RL Meetup events: Because there's no point in that. You go there and if you have ONE unattractive thing, you'll eventually get some conversation, but that's it. You go home drunk, but still able to walk and think about why you went there.

If you go there and have ANY standard... you're outta luck. There is no room for standards of any kind there.

So, wasting time and money, getting all dressed up, lowering any possible standard below the sea level... and still no luck.

Because... I'm guessing (rather I'm sure of it, but it sounds better this way) women dating online are pickier and much more strict then the ones IRL. I'd like to be contradicted, but I know that ain't gonna happen, 'cause that's the truth - going for too long without any significant other makes people raise impossible standards, especially because there's always someone better (that's what they all hope).

That being said - it is more likely to date someone IRL then online.

Of course, I'm not speaking for myself, for me dating is not possible either online, either IRL.

 

Then don't go to "singles" meetups. Go to activities, hobby, hiking, whatever interests you meetups. People there aren't looking at it as a dating thing so you'll be meeting a much more diverse set of people. And maybe you strike up something with someone. Or just make a friend. Who has a single friend they'd love to set up with a great guy.

 

See how that works?

[AdrianCrawley]

Then don't go to "singles" meetups. Go to activities, hobby, hiking, whatever interests you meetups. People there aren't looking at it as a dating thing so you'll be meeting a much more diverse set of people. And maybe you strike up something with someone. Or just make a friend. Who has a single friend they'd love to set up with a great guy.

 

See how that works?

 

Of course I do. These things don't work either. You can't stop thinking of the pink elephant in the room. You can't go to activities thinking you're gonna meet someone or not, 'cause if that's the goal, you might as well not go at all.

You aren't talking about loners here. Loners don't go to activities for the fun of it, they go to meet potential partners. They are reclusive persons and easily feel rejected. Therefore when the hiking or whatever is done, they just go back home vowing to see about their business and stop wasting time on these things.

A loner seeks companionship, friendship. If he thinks that no one there is willing to interact in that way with him, he raises his shields to avoid being hurt, so you won't be able to interact with him even if you'd want to.

I use the term "loner" for lack of a better word for someone who feels and is alone. Loners are usually males, but they can also be females.

I'm a loner as well, after trying all kinds of stuff. And what I've seen was not only on me, others were reacting the same way.

[mr_dave]

 

You've had dates through online dating, and now you've also met someone in real life. So online dating is not a total loss for you. It can supplement your real life endeavors. But I am curious, the women you've met through online dating, why weren't your attracted to them? Did they misrepresent themselves online?

 

 

Well they were all ladies who had shown quite a strong interest in me, either by messaging me first, or making the effort to sustain an enjoyable conversation - asking me lots of questions. Two went silent on me after the dates, and the other two seemed to be quite taken with me and were enjoyable company but unfortunately I just didn't fancy them.

[HappyLove]

Of course I do. These things don't work either. You can't stop thinking of the pink elephant in the room. You can't go to activities thinking you're gonna meet someone or not, 'cause if that's the goal, you might as well not go at all.

You aren't talking about loners here. Loners don't go to activities for the fun of it, they go to meet potential partners. They are reclusive persons and easily feel rejected. Therefore when the hiking or whatever is done, they just go back home vowing to see about their business and stop wasting time on these things.

A loner seeks companionship, friendship. If he thinks that no one there is willing to interact in that way with him, he raises his shields to avoid being hurt, so you won't be able to interact with him even if you'd want to.

I use the term "loner" for lack of a better word for someone who feels and is alone. Loners are usually males, but they can also be females.

I'm a loner as well, after trying all kinds of stuff. And what I've seen was not only on me, others were reacting the same way.

 

 

 

So when was the last time you approached a woman you fancied IRL? You sound like one of the many on these boards who think you shouldn't have to do any work IRL to find someone. Like they are just gonna fall out the sky into your lap. If you are seriously interested in meeting someone you should be approaching a few potentials every week. We all have our issues and some are afraid of our own shadow but nothing will change if you keep doing the same thing getting no results, some even define that as insanity.

[organizedchaos]

Of course I do. These things don't work either. You can't stop thinking of the pink elephant in the room. You can't go to activities thinking you're gonna meet someone or not, 'cause if that's the goal, you might as well not go at all.

You aren't talking about loners here. Loners don't go to activities for the fun of it, they go to meet potential partners. They are reclusive persons and easily feel rejected. Therefore when the hiking or whatever is done, they just go back home vowing to see about their business and stop wasting time on these things.

A loner seeks companionship, friendship. If he thinks that no one there is willing to interact in that way with him, he raises his shields to avoid being hurt, so you won't be able to interact with him even if you'd want to.

I use the term "loner" for lack of a better word for someone who feels and is alone. Loners are usually males, but they can also be females.

I'm a loner as well, after trying all kinds of stuff. And what I've seen was not only on me, others were reacting the same way.

 

Then what is it you want here? Sympathy? You have to make a change. You have to do something about it.

[AdrianCrawley]

So when was the last time you approached a woman you fancied IRL? You sound like one of the many on these boards who think you shouldn't have to do any work IRL to find someone. Like they are just gonna fall out the sky into your lap. If you are seriously interested in meeting someone you should be approaching a few potentials every week. We all have our issues and some are afraid of our own shadow but nothing will change if you keep doing the same thing getting no results, some even define that as insanity.

 

Today.

 

I'm interested in talking on this site, based on my experience. If the site is meant for PUA or something like that, I'll take my leave.

 

As for changes... it's like this - some are just perfect for dating, some struggle to be like that, some dream of a special someone who'll share deep feelings with them... some can see through all this and stand aside if they're on the "have to struggle" side.

 

If someone doesn't like you, you change and then someone likes you... they don't actually like you, they like what you've struggled to become, but not you.

[thecrucible]

So does this mean you only message the 'hot' and 'hot hot' ones only?

 

 

 

haha

 

 

No what I mean is that admittedly I was bit too shallow before, probably shooting out of my league. I don't go for instant attraction now and I think that's a good thing. I want to be attracted to someone but I wait to see if I find them attractive in person, and whether we have much in common personality-wise. I find it really difficult though to figure out whether I find a guy attractive because, as I said, it's easier in real life, because you have access to the whole person - you can spend time getting to know them. I like that because my attraction for them can grow. Whereas with online dating, it feels forced. I want time to develop attraction if I don't feel it instantly but people want quick results online.

 

 

Some guys I've met and they look a bit different to their pictures, like I've imagined them to be more attractive than I thought they were in person. A friend of mine has had differently -her boyfriend looked less attractive in his pictures than she thought he did in real life. Heck I wonder if my pictures accurately represent me :/

 

 

I just don't want to take it too seriously anymore. I might write that in my profile that I don't want to lead anyone on, but I kind of want to take things and just go on a few dates to get to know people and see if we click. I feel so much pressure with online dating....makes me want to run away into a cosy cave

[hasaquestion]

It can work, but if you can't get a date in real life you won't get one online.

 

So people who struggle in person try to use it as a substitute and get burned.

 

It's not the answer which many people are looking for. Get out there in real life and knock down some mental barriers instead.

[thecrucible]

mr_dave I replied to your message

 

 

You are a handsome guy and you said that your dates went on for hours, so you are obviously good company.

 

 

Perhaps because you are looking for that special someone, you just haven't found the whole package yet - the personality and attraction too. Maybe you should message the girls you do find extremely beautiful? I mean not everything is about looks, and maybe you might surprise yourself and find what you're looking for.

 

 

I have the same issue as you - a few dates but nothing clicks yet in all areas. You seem like a good guy and I like that you are honest with yourself rather than leading anyone on who you don't feel attracted to. I want to find someone special too. I think in a way that's harder online than finding something casual or short-term.

 

 

Hope you find that special girl for you