Thinking of quitting online dating

[HappyLove]

Today.

 

I'm interested in talking on this site, based on my experience. If the site is meant for PUA or something like that, I'll take my leave.

 

As for changes... it's like this - some are just perfect for dating, some struggle to be like that, some dream of a special someone who'll share deep feelings with them... some can see through all this and stand aside if they're on the "have to struggle" side.

 

If someone doesn't like you, you change and then someone likes you... they don't actually like you, they like what you've struggled to become, but not you.

 

 

So now this is a PUA site because people suggest getting out there? Really? My apologies I'm sure whatever you're looking for will fall out the sky.

[Disillusioned]

It will be interesting to see what happens to OLD once it reaches a tipping point where enough men quit using it.

[salparadise]

It's not completely one way or the other. Many people find great relationships online and end up being married. Others give it a shot and fail, and then try to convince everyone else that it's hopeless. I've had a few nice relationships that began online, but now dating a wonderful woman I met in real life. I must say that it has been refreshing to experience how it develops organically for a change. The chemistry was there from the start.

 

My theory is that online dating feels unnatural because the process is reordered. In real life we zero in on people we find attractive and with whom we have chemistry. Then over time we learn about that person. If the personalities and sexuality are a great fit we get happy hormones and are able to accept/ignore a lot of trivial stuff. Online we acquire information first and assume that if they have attractive pics, similar taste in music, movies, hobbies, etc., it should translate into great chemistry, but it doesn't. And we probably pass over many with whom we would've had great chemistry due to their information not being optimal.

 

So what I've learned about being successful online is, be a good writer, have good pics, be positive and respectful, target the type of personality you like don't try to be everything to everyone. Don't have high expectations, just keep opening doors and spreading good karma. Just use it as a way to meet people you otherwise wouldn't (instant relationship not guaranteed), and realize that no matter how many you meet, we're all looking for a needle in a haystack, so it's probably not going to be easy.

[AdrianCrawley]

...

Hope you find that special girl for you

 

))))) Awwww.... c'moooon )))

[AdrianCrawley]

So now this is a PUA site because people suggest getting out there? Really? My apologies I'm sure whatever you're looking for will fall out the sky.

 

Apologies accepted for not being able to understand what I'm writing.

For some people not being desired is a turn off. And changing to be desired is a lie. As they are may only change for the goal of feeling better, not for someone else.

[HappyLove]

Apologies accepted for not being able to understand what I'm writing.

For some people not being desired is a turn off. And changing to be desired is a lie. As they are may only change for the goal of feeling better, not for someone else.

 

Some people just convince themselves that they aren't desired. I've seen some a$$ ugly people with mates so I refuse to believe this. It's usually a woe is me attitude that keeps some people single.

[irc333]

Hmm, that kind of explains why I see almost a 1,000 members join one Meetup group, but there's only a TRUE core of a handful of "regulars" that actually attend events routinely.

 

I recall a woman that I know from back in the day, very attractive, she's actually an ex of an old friend of mine (no longer in touch with him much). She must've been on the line dating scene for YEARS.

 

I had seen her join Meetups, but not ever actually attend.

 

I actually got in touch with her through mutual friends on Facebook through other "special interests" apparently, she's some kind of wanna-be model trying to "make it big" online, attractive single mother, 2 kids, kind of an attention seeker.

 

I get to talking to her, I try to steer the conversion towards, "So you ,ever hear of Meetup.com?" But before that I asked her what kind of hobbies she has....she say she doesn't have hardly any hobbies and most of her single female friends are taken or busy with their husbands doing their own thing. So she's always solo, no girls night out, or anything.

 

Then she said something that was quite interesting. She said men from her old high school graduating class (some married, some not) reached out to her and had been paying for her plane tickets and hotel accommodations because THEY feel "She needs to get some adventure in her life"

 

They are using their frequent flier miles on her, so actual money is spent.

 

I think I may have mentioned on here in the past that this is small backwater town, so it would make sense.

 

Though, she's using these men to visit these places and thinks nothing of it.

 

She has no interest in forming friendships or fellowships. Or have any interest in any kind of hobby.

 

Otherwise, she's reclusive.

 

OH, just popped into my head. I know some married women that always have this ONE single woman that NEVER go out with them. They try to get her out of the house ...chances are they would like for her to meet someone, but she'd rather rot inside her apartment with her cats. It's like pulling teeth to get their ONE single friend to do anything with them.

 

Pretty sad.

 

So I am starting to think with the advent of online dating , social ineptitude has creeped in with some of these people. That they prefer to pick and choose who they get to interact with as opposed to have to deal with a man that says, "Hi" to them in person or at a Meetup. There's no "Delete" key in real life.

 

What's sad is, the previously mentioned woman is getting more and more irate in her lack of success with the men online.

 

 

Of course I do. These things don't work either. You can't stop thinking of the pink elephant in the room. You can't go to activities thinking you're gonna meet someone or not, 'cause if that's the goal, you might as well not go at all.

You aren't talking about loners here. Loners don't go to activities for the fun of it, they go to meet potential partners. They are reclusive persons and easily feel rejected. Therefore when the hiking or whatever is done, they just go back home vowing to see about their business and stop wasting time on these things.

A loner seeks companionship, friendship. If he thinks that no one there is willing to interact in that way with him, he raises his shields to avoid being hurt, so you won't be able to interact with him even if you'd want to.

I use the term "loner" for lack of a better word for someone who feels and is alone. Loners are usually males, but they can also be females.

I'm a loner as well, after trying all kinds of stuff. And what I've seen was not only on me, others were reacting the same way.

[HappyLove]

Hmm, that kind of explains why I see almost a 1,000 members join one Meetup group, but there's only a TRUE core of a handful of "regulars" that actually attend events routinely.

 

I recall a woman that I know from back in the day, very attractive, she's actually an ex of an old friend of mine (no longer in touch with him much). She must've been on the line dating scene for YEARS.

 

I had seen her join Meetups, but not ever actually attend.

 

I actually got in touch with her through mutual friends on Facebook through other "special interests" apparently, she's some kind of wanna-be model trying to "make it big" online, attractive single mother, 2 kids, kind of an attention seeker.

 

I get to talking to her, I try to steer the conversion towards, "So you ,ever hear of Meetup.com?" But before that I asked her what kind of hobbies she has....she say she doesn't have hardly any hobbies and most of her single female friends are taken or busy with their husbands doing their own thing. So she's always solo, no girls night out, or anything.

 

Then she said something that was quite interesting. She said men from her old high school graduating class (some married, some not) reached out to her and had been paying for her plane tickets and hotel accommodations because THEY feel "She needs to get some adventure in her life"

 

They are using their frequent flier miles on her, so actual money is spent.

 

I think I may have mentioned on here in the past that this is small backwater town, so it would make sense.

 

Though, she's using these men to visit these places and thinks nothing of it.

 

She has no interest in forming friendships or fellowships. Or have any interest in any kind of hobby.

 

Otherwise, she's reclusive.

 

OH, just popped into my head. I know some married women that always have this ONE single woman that NEVER go out with them. They try to get her out of the house ...chances are they would like for her to meet someone, but she'd rather rot inside her apartment with her cats. It's like pulling teeth to get their ONE single friend to do anything with them.

 

Pretty sad.

 

So I am starting to think with the advent of online dating , social ineptitude has creeped in with some of these people. That they prefer to pick and choose who they get to interact with as opposed to have to deal with a man that says, "Hi" to them in person or at a Meetup. There's no "Delete" key in real life.

 

What's sad is, the previously mentioned woman is getting more and more irate in her lack of success with the men online.

 

And this same woman will continue to live this way for years until an anvil falls on her head.

[AdrianCrawley]

Some people just convince themselves that they aren't desired. I've seen some a$$ ugly people with mates so I refuse to believe this. It's usually a woe is me attitude that keeps some people single.

 

Either that, or a verified conclusion which cannot be questioned : Some people are unlikable.

[AnyaNova]

I'm rapidly coming to the same conclusion but have a question for everyone.

 

I am a 36 year old woman. I have been told by people since getting healthier that I look 26.

 

And here is what I meet IRL.

 

1)Taken dudes who have healthy egos and don't need to gratify theirs.

 

2) Taken dudes who don't have healthy egos and will act and flirt as if single to gratify those egos of theirs.

 

3) One shy dude IRL I know who is single and my age and reminds me so much of my ex in personality that I can't talk with him for 30 seconds before having to run away.

 

4) Meetup groups that I haven't bothered to attend in my area because they are all geared for other over 50's or the 25 and under crowd.

 

So what am I to do? bars and coffee shops all seem to be 25 year olds and younger and I really don't like bars myself anyway.

 

Where do I go? How do I do this?

[AdrianCrawley]

And this same woman will continue to live this way for years until an anvil falls on her head.

 

She's dead already, only her body is alive.

[AdrianCrawley]

...

 

Where do I go? How do I do this?

 

Fly to England and meet me And ignore I have a beauty problem until I can fix it.

 

How's that sound ?

Edited May 4, 2014 by AdrianCrawley
Wrong emoticon

[Valen]

I'm rapidly coming to the same conclusion but have a question for everyone.

 

I am a 36 year old woman. I have been told by people since getting healthier that I look 26.

 

And here is what I meet IRL.

 

1)Taken dudes who have healthy egos and don't need to gratify theirs.

 

2) Taken dudes who don't have healthy egos and will act and flirt as if single to gratify those egos of theirs.

 

3) One shy dude IRL I know who is single and my age and reminds me so much of my ex in personality that I can't talk with him for 30 seconds before having to run away.

 

4) Meetup groups that I haven't bothered to attend in my area because they are all geared for other over 50's or the 25 and under crowd.

 

So what am I to do? bars and coffee shops all seem to be 25 year olds and younger and I really don't like bars myself anyway.

 

Where do I go? How do I do this?

 

Yea it seems to be a problem for those in their 30s. You either meet the young crowd or the really old crowd. Just curious, what do you do in your spare time? Where do you go have fun at?

[AnyaNova]

Fly to England and meet me And ignore I have a beauty problem until I can fix it.

 

How's that sound ?

 

Or you could fly here...

 

Why do you say you aren't attractive? Cause that can't be helping your prospects...

[AnyaNova]

Yea it seems to be a problem for those in their 30s. You either meet the young crowd or the really old crowd. Just curious, what do you do in your spare time? Where do you go have fun at?

 

I'm an introvert, so a lot of my fun is solitary. But I do hang out with friends. Equally comfortable going places alone, but I seem to have become too old to be pick-up-able or something (to be honest, though, haven't done the bar scene really.

 

Just found a possible looking meetup group, but I suspect some of the same dynamics may play into it as on online dating. We'll see.

[AdrianCrawley]

Or you could fly here...

 

Why do you say you aren't attractive? Cause that can't be helping your prospects...

 

Nein, I can't, 'cause of visas. I'm not British, I'm Eastern. USA hates us and only uses our countries as military bases.

 

I am not attractive because I'm not. If I were, I wouldn't be spending so much time in loneliness, nor would I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel when I'm chasing women, and even be obligated to court that bottom of the barrel.

 

And I also need to fix my teeth, 'cause mine are horribly broken, but I don't yet have the money for that.

 

So, I'm not. But I'm used to it.

[mr_dave]

mr_dave I replied to your message

 

 

You are a handsome guy and you said that your dates went on for hours, so you are obviously good company.

 

 

Perhaps because you are looking for that special someone, you just haven't found the whole package yet - the personality and attraction too. Maybe you should message the girls you do find extremely beautiful? I mean not everything is about looks, and maybe you might surprise yourself and find what you're looking for.

 

 

I have the same issue as you - a few dates but nothing clicks yet in all areas. You seem like a good guy and I like that you are honest with yourself rather than leading anyone on who you don't feel attracted to. I want to find someone special too. I think in a way that's harder online than finding something casual or short-term.

 

 

Hope you find that special girl for you

 

Thanks for your advice, that's really very kind of you to say.

I've replied to your message too.

 

I hope you have better luck in future.

[regine_phalange]

nor would I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel when I'm chasing women, and even be obligated to court that bottom of the barrel.

 

From the whole post, that came off as unattractive, and not your teeth. Obligated? Unless you are paid for courting these women, it's very disrespectful to say that. Disrespectful to the women and disrespectful to yourself. Teeth are expensive, but good attitude is for free.

[AdrianCrawley]

From the whole post, that came off as unattractive, and not your teeth. Obligated? Unless you are paid for courting these women, it's very disrespectful to say that. Disrespectful to the women and disrespectful to yourself. Teeth are expensive, but good attitude is for free.

 

Good attitude gets you nowhere if it's not backed up by some solid facts. Those solid facts are things which make me feel good with myself, and feeling good with myself generates a positive and dominant attitude. Without that, I just spend my time on forums to chase away the loneliness...

I mean no disrespect to anybody, but because I wasn't always like this, I can compare, and at the present moment, being forced to go waaay below my standards if I want to have a viable shot of hooking up with someone, I can say that for me that's scraping the bottom of the barrel. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with those women, 'cause there isn't, they're just people, but they're people I'm not attracted to, so, if I don't wanna be alone, I have to court someone I'm not attracted to. I did that for a while, then I just stopped, 'cause it was harmful for me, and now I just whine and chat on forums, until my issues will be solved. And those issues are hard to solve as my moral is at it's lowest, so I have almost no drive to do what I must do.

[Frank2thepoint]

Well they were all ladies who had shown quite a strong interest in me, either by messaging me first, or making the effort to sustain an enjoyable conversation - asking me lots of questions. Two went silent on me after the dates, and the other two seemed to be quite taken with me and were enjoyable company but unfortunately I just didn't fancy them.

 

mr_dave I replied to your message

 

 

You are a handsome guy and you said that your dates went on for hours, so you are obviously good company.

 

 

Perhaps because you are looking for that special someone, you just haven't found the whole package yet - the personality and attraction too. Maybe you should message the girls you do find extremely beautiful? I mean not everything is about looks, and maybe you might surprise yourself and find what you're looking for.

 

...

 

Hope you find that special girl for you

 

I have to beg the question mr_dave, since thecrucible says you are handsome and are looking for that special someone, would your standards may be too high? How is the women you enjoy the company with, did not fit your fancy? Is their something unique you are looking for?

 

 

 

 

haha

 

 

No what I mean is that admittedly I was bit too shallow before, probably shooting out of my league. I don't go for instant attraction now and I think that's a good thing. I want to be attracted to someone but I wait to see if I find them attractive in person, and whether we have much in common personality-wise. I find it really difficult though to figure out whether I find a guy attractive because, as I said, it's easier in real life, because you have access to the whole person - you can spend time getting to know them. I like that because my attraction for them can grow. Whereas with online dating, it feels forced. I want time to develop attraction if I don't feel it instantly but people want quick results online.

 

 

Some guys I've met and they look a bit different to their pictures, like I've imagined them to be more attractive than I thought they were in person. A friend of mine has had differently -her boyfriend looked less attractive in his pictures than she thought he did in real life. Heck I wonder if my pictures accurately represent me :/

 

 

I just don't want to take it too seriously anymore. I might write that in my profile that I don't want to lead anyone on, but I kind of want to take things and just go on a few dates to get to know people and see if we click. I feel so much pressure with online dating....makes me want to run away into a cosy cave

 

Online dating is like speed dating, except you can browse the catalog instead of go through the candidates that showed up to the event. Regardless, meeting the person in real life is much more beneficial, for both parties. Pictures hide the personality, the emotion of a smile, the light in the eyes, the subtle movements of the lips, the sound the voice makes. Therefore people are far more attractive in person than in their pictures. It is hard to imagine that when all you have is just a visual representation of the profile you are looking at. Then there's the professional photographs which I believe are selling lies. Yes the person looks really good with the perfect light and being airbrushed, but you get something totally different when you meet the person in real life.

 

Maybe what you can do is give the guys that don't give that "wow" effect but have good biography/profiles, a chance. In conjunction with you wanting to add to your profile that you don't want to lead any on, this may improve your chances of finding a decent man.

 

Unfortunately online dating will always have that pressure, because its a service that exists to provide a mate for someone. But dating in general has always been a pressure.

[mr_dave]

I have to beg the question mr_dave, since thecrucible says you are handsome and are looking for that special someone, would your standards may be too high?

 

I have no idea to be perfectly honest. My one previous love was really quite something in terms of looks, she was very pretty with a busty (that gets bonus points), slim figure. So maybe my inner attraction bar is set too high - perhaps I was punching far above my weight?

That said, I'm having little to no success with ladies who aren't nearly as physically attractive.

 

The number scale for looks is rather reductive, people are more than a number between 1-10, yet not knowing where I rank isn't really helping things. I have no idea whether my ex was a once in a lifetime anomaly, or whether cute/pretty girls are attainable for me.

 

Initially I was messaging 7-10s, having no luck, so then I was much more indiscriminate as I alluded to earlier. But the ones that bit and I went on a date with, and liked me...I just didn't feel attracted to them in person. I didn't really find their photos to be cute/attractive at first, but I figured in person there might be some kind of spark.

 

Is their something unique you are looking for?

 

Not really, just a natural looking, cute, nice girl. I went to Seville recently and my jaw was on the floor most of the time, so I don't think it's a case of my ex clouding my attraction towards women...

[TheBladeRunner]

I stopped as well. It was OK at first, I did get some dates, just not the right ones . The hard part about it is you really have to put in a lot of "screen time" to get a date and when you finally do half of them don't look like their pictures and the other half just isn't a match . I have been working some IRL angles and although it's a little slower, I get to know the woman I'm interested in before taking that big move forward.

[Phoe]

I dunno, it sounds like you're not having all that terrible a time in OLD.

 

You're getting responses, you're getting dates. They're just not working out for you is all.

 

 

I saw it previously suggested that you do both IRL and OLD, but just put less energy and focus into OLD. That's probably a good idea.

 

 

You can still get dates every now and then via OLD when IRL just isn't suiting you.

[FitChick]

Nein, I can't, 'cause of visas. I'm not British, I'm Eastern. USA hates us and only uses our countries as military bases.

 

And I also need to fix my teeth, 'cause mine are horribly broken, but I don't yet have the money for that.

 

Don't worry, Russia will soon be invading so you can get rid of the Americans.

 

If you are in Eastern Europe, there should be plenty of cheap, good cosmetic dentists. People from the UK travel to Poland to get their teeth fixed for less money than going private. Don't know about the other countries.

[AdrianCrawley]

Don't worry, Russia will soon be invading so you can get rid of the Americans.

 

If you are in Eastern Europe, there should be plenty of cheap, good cosmetic dentists. People from the UK travel to Poland to get their teeth fixed for less money than going private. Don't know about the other countries.

 

I dunno why Rupert Murdoch's media insists Russia is gonna invade anything. Probably because of the broadcasting licence. Politics amuse me. People believing all they hear... not so amusing anymore.

 

I am from Eastern Europe, but I live in England at present. Buuut, even in my country of origin, I have to have something to fix my teeth which I don't have yet... money So I'll have to wait for another 2-3 months before I get to doing that.

Edited May 5, 2014 by AdrianCrawley