Thinking of quitting online dating

[organizedchaos]

I dunno, it sounds like you're not having all that terrible a time in OLD.

 

You're getting responses, you're getting dates. They're just not working out for you is all.

 

 

I saw it previously suggested that you do both IRL and OLD, but just put less energy and focus into OLD. That's probably a good idea.

 

 

You can still get dates every now and then via OLD when IRL just isn't suiting you.

 

Exactly, this is the mistake so many make and why you read here about so many people being frustrated with OLD. It should supplement your dating, not be your sole focus of finding a mate!!!

[mr_dave]

I dunno, it sounds like you're not having all that terrible a time in OLD.

 

You're getting responses, you're getting dates. They're just not working out for you is all.

 

 

I saw it previously suggested that you do both IRL and OLD, but just put less energy and focus into OLD. That's probably a good idea.

 

 

You can still get dates every now and then via OLD when IRL just isn't suiting you.

 

Well it gets a little dispiriting trawling through a sea of thousands of unsuitable profiles to find the few hundred who you think might be a good match, then taking lots of time to craft interesting messages only to hear little back, then having to play court jester to sustain a lopsided conversation.

 

I think I'll scale back my operation. I don't want to hurt or reject any more girls by not fancying them in person, so I think I'll stick to real life. (Which is nothing, I watch football in a pub once a week! )

 

Thanks for all your advice folks, I didn't envisage there being so many responses!

[Valen]

So with that in mind I messaged more attainable girls whom I found to be cute, rather than extremely beautiful.

 

 

How about messaging those extremely beautiful girls this time? You said you don't mind getting rejected. Let's try that as an experiment (message 100 of them) and see what happens. Report back your findings. If nothing materialize, at least you gave it a go and can ditch OLD.

[Targetlock]

you are also making a judgement that they won't like you, you don't know what they might think of you and your profile

But yeah OLD is a strange thing, like some kind of lottery or a game with rigged rules.

[AdrianCrawley]

you are also making a judgement that they won't like you, you don't know what they might think of you and your profile

But yeah OLD is a strange thing, like some kind of lottery or a game with rigged rules.

 

Yes, there are a few rules:

 

Look awesome

 

State that you have a car

 

State that you have a well-paying job

 

If those rules don't apply to you, then try to be as witty (and lying through your teeth) as you can, and maaaybe some less-fortunate girls will have you just for passing time, until they find their Prince Charming.

[Disillusioned]

Yes, there are a few rules:

 

Look awesome

 

State that you have a car

 

State that you have a well-paying job

 

If those rules don't apply to you, then try to be as witty (and lying through your teeth) as you can, and maaaybe some less-fortunate girls will have you just for passing time, until they find their Prince Charming.

 

You forgot: be good-looking and female. I'm not that good looking, and even if I were female, I'd be one ugly woman!

[irc333]

Right, with online dating it takes away the body language, voice tones, facial expressions, etc....all the things that really are the key elements of getting to know someone...that is where the chemistry happens...face-to-face.

 

It's so easy to be dismissed in such a fashion. Women just scan the basic stats, height, weight, career, scan the photos, and that's it pretty much.

 

 

It's funny, I've seen the same faces of the women in my area throughout the years on these dating sites and yet to have snagged a boyfriend. Of course, I've already emailed them, nary to even give me a response or a shot since they live within minutes from me. Forever they remain chronically single I suppose in these backwater towns.

 

 

I have to beg the question mr_dave, since thecrucible says you are handsome and are looking for that special someone, would your standards may be too high? How is the women you enjoy the company with, did not fit your fancy? Is their something unique you are looking for?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Online dating is like speed dating, except you can browse the catalog instead of go through the candidates that showed up to the event. Regardless, meeting the person in real life is much more beneficial, for both parties. Pictures hide the personality, the emotion of a smile, the light in the eyes, the subtle movements of the lips, the sound the voice makes. Therefore people are far more attractive in person than in their pictures. It is hard to imagine that when all you have is just a visual representation of the profile you are looking at. Then there's the professional photographs which I believe are selling lies. Yes the person looks really good with the perfect light and being airbrushed, but you get something totally different when you meet the person in real life.

 

Maybe what you can do is give the guys that don't give that "wow" effect but have good biography/profiles, a chance. In conjunction with you wanting to add to your profile that you don't want to lead any on, this may improve your chances of finding a decent man.

 

Unfortunately online dating will always have that pressure, because its a service that exists to provide a mate for someone. But dating in general has always been a pressure.

[irc333]

You know, sometimes I'd attempt to get a woman I met online that I've started talking to that was at least responsive, but hesistant about meeting. I'd get them to come to Meetup. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't ...most time it doesn't because sadly,t hey prefer to hide behind their keyboards then interact with the public.

 

Reason being, they don't want to wind up at a gathering with a bunch of men they don't think are cute or something.

 

I wonder what women would do if the internet didn't exist? They'd just go back to settling on a man like our forefather's (or mothers) did?

[Frank2thepoint]

I have no idea to be perfectly honest. My one previous love was really quite something in terms of looks, she was very pretty with a busty (that gets bonus points), slim figure. So maybe my inner attraction bar is set too high - perhaps I was punching far above my weight?

That said, I'm having little to no success with ladies who aren't nearly as physically attractive.

 

The number scale for looks is rather reductive, people are more than a number between 1-10, yet not knowing where I rank isn't really helping things. I have no idea whether my ex was a once in a lifetime anomaly, or whether cute/pretty girls are attainable for me.

 

Initially I was messaging 7-10s, having no luck, so then I was much more indiscriminate as I alluded to earlier. But the ones that bit and I went on a date with, and liked me...I just didn't feel attracted to them in person. I didn't really find their photos to be cute/attractive at first, but I figured in person there might be some kind of spark.

 

From what I gather here and your previous post is subtly and subconsciously your are looking for something in a woman. A pretty face. You've mentioned how your ex was very attractive. You've convinced yourself that you got lucky, but maybe you can get lucky again, so you chase after the really good looking girls. The women that are "cute", meaning not as hot as your ex, subconsciously do not trigger that spark for you, hence why you say you aren't attracted to them, even though you may have similar interests and the women may have great personalities.

 

Honestly I would recommend you to take stock in what else is important for you aside from physical looks. Such as do you want the girl to be a movie buff, book worm, outdoor adventurer, or whatever. Then find a cute woman that fits the criteria, and give her a chance. You may realize that physical beauty is not the most important thing, but genuine compatibility is.

[AdrianCrawley]

You forgot: be good-looking and female. I'm not that good looking, and even if I were female, I'd be one ugly woman!

 

It's like this: women get hit on enough in the real life. They get to socialize enough at work and pretty much anywhere they go, as there will always be either no-self-esteem desperate, or "players" trying to get some piece of pussy of of them. That's why for a woman OLD is more of a cute distraction, than a real quest for love.

Men, on the other hand, IF they are good-looking, and/or have well-paying jobs, will receive almost the same treatment, or, if not, then they'll just be invisible. That's why they come to the web, hoping for a different result. Which, of course, is an epic fail. As other people have already stated here one way or another - SOMEONE WHO CAN GET TAIL ONLINE, CAN ALSO GET TAIL IN REAL LIFE, SOMEONE WHO GETS NOTHING IN REAL LIFE, GETS NOTHING ONLINE.

[mr_dave]

From what I gather here and your previous post is subtly and subconsciously your are looking for something in a woman. A pretty face. You've mentioned how your ex was very attractive. You've convinced yourself that you got lucky, but maybe you can get lucky again, so you chase after the really good looking girls. The women that are "cute", meaning not as hot as your ex, subconsciously do not trigger that spark for you, hence why you say you aren't attracted to them, even though you may have similar interests and the women may have great personalities.

 

Honestly I would recommend you to take stock in what else is important for you aside from physical looks. Such as do you want the girl to be a movie buff, book worm, outdoor adventurer, or whatever. Then find a cute woman that fits the criteria, and give her a chance. You may realize that physical beauty is not the most important thing, but genuine compatibility is.

 

I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, so I'm not really expecting to land another head-turning girl, from my ex I've learnt that beauty is only skin deep anyway. I would really be very happy with a cute, girl next door type, not a "hot" binge-drinking, tattoed ladette of which there are many here in the UK on POF.

 

Maybe someone who looks like...

http://www.celebslight.com/images/maria-herrera-02.jpg

 

or http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/24000000/WTA-wta-24076632-1600-1200.jpg

 

I'm getting rejected by them all though!

 

I don't want to be in a position where I go on dates with girls, not really having made up my mind whether I fancy them or not, it's not fair on them.

 

My first crush was a girl I knew and spoke to a bit at school aged 16. She wasn't the prettiest girl at all, but she kept growing on me until I fancied her like crazy. That takes a while though, and I wouldn't want to lead a girl on hoping I'll fancy her after several dates.

Real life is probably better for slow burning attraction to develop, meeting such girls as friends first...

[mr_dave]

This online dating stuff is so dispiriting!

 

So I've persevered with it for a bit and messaged quite a few girls over the past week. I had one really cute, quirky brunette (just my type) reply to me, we had a great conversation, swapping a dozen or so lengthy, funny messages.

I asked her if she wanted to meet up, she said "...that would be a lovely idea"

"Yay" I thought, so I asked if she wanted to meet up this Wednesday (a few days ago).

She replied saying "I don't know what protocol is, it seems a bit soon, maybe I'm just scared, haha! :)"

 

I then replied offering her my facebook profile (which has the same photos, to verify I'm genuine) and saying that it would be nice to just have a coffee/drink and a chat in person.

She read it, and three days later still hasn't replied! Yet she has been online a few times a day since then.

Should I give her a light-hearted prod, or just write it off?

 

I also took advantage of match's month for 5 pounds offer ....something seems a little fishy. I been favourited by someone whose profile name was different to in the email telling me so, and none of the many "girls" I'd messaged even viewed my profile either, yet they are always online.

 

I'm ready to give up...

[salparadise]

She replied saying "I don't know what protocol is, it seems a bit soon, maybe I'm just scared, haha! :)"

[...]

She read it, and three days later still hasn't replied! Yet she has been online a few times a day since then.

Should I give her a light-hearted prod, or just write it off?

 

If they quit replying there's not much you can do. If you're really interested in her (as opposed to just the fact that she's female) then pursuit at the risk of your dignity is probably the only chance. Maybe wait a couple more days and then send her a gentle ultimatum... like, "do you have any interest in continuing this conversation?"

 

The woman I'm dating made me chase and chase. I was growing extremely frustrated with the lack of progress... nothing was happening beyond me picking up a growing stack of restaurants checks.

 

Finally, we had a dinner at her house scheduled––this was a full week after the last time I'd seen her. She was slow responding to emails, not agreeing any casual meetings mid-week, etc. So I asked her if she'd like to cancel the dinner plan for the weekend.

 

She acted surprised and wanted to know what that was all about. So I just laid it out... told her my frustration had reached a tipping point due to her holding me at arms length. I said I was ready to quit because it didn't seem to be going anywhere, and since you don't seem interested I'm giving you an easy out... saving you the trouble.

 

That was the turning point. Sometimes they test you and push you to the breaking point just to see what you're wiling to put up with. So I now recognize the benefit of making one last push and letting them know where you are. So maybe it's worth a try for you, but don't be surprised if you don't get the answer you're hoping for.

[normal person]

So I've persevered with it for a bit and messaged quite a few girls over the past week. I had one really cute, quirky brunette (just my type) reply to me, we had a great conversation, swapping a dozen or so lengthy, funny messages.

I asked her if she wanted to meet up, she said "...that would be a lovely idea"

"Yay" I thought, so I asked if she wanted to meet up this Wednesday (a few days ago).

She replied saying "I don't know what protocol is, it seems a bit soon, maybe I'm just scared, haha! :)"

 

I then replied offering her my facebook profile (which has the same photos, to verify I'm genuine) and saying that it would be nice to just have a coffee/drink and a chat in person.

She read it, and three days later still hasn't replied! Yet she has been online a few times a day since then.

Should I give her a light-hearted prod, or just write it off?

 

Meh. If you've exchanged a dozen (!) messages and she still doesn't want to see you, something's awry. She seems cautious but I'm sure you didn't sign up to be pen pals. I'm not a fan of that as too often the conversations practically follow a script. You never really conceive of the full essence of someone until you meet them in person.

 

I'd try your luck with someone else. If there's not a number exchange and a loose agreement to hang out after 2-3 messages, don't bother and move on. A lot of girls I've asked about this say they lose patience with lengthy exchanges. If you have enough of them you realize they're relatively frivolous.

 

Recently I've been experimenting with shorter and shorter exchanges just to test the waters. So far I've got a 100% success rate with "Thanks for your message, you seem nice but I've got to admit this messaging stuff is a bit tedious. Why don't you just give me your number, I'll text you a bit and we'll go out somewhere? If not, best of luck."