GF Cheated on me while studying abroad!

[DB COOPER]

I'll try and make this short..

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating since high school and have been together for 5 years. She decided to go away to college (within 300miles) and we decided to give a long distance relationship a try. It has been a difficult four years but we have managed to get through it. This past january of her final senior semester she went to study abroad in Europe. This was going to be the longest we have been apart but i wasn't worried because we made it the past couple of years so what is 4 months. During the time she left i got new job that is going to be my career which will keep me in a large metropolitan area that we both have family and lived i already for the foreseeable future.

Around march we had a serious talk over skype about the future and the experience so far made her realize that for graduate school (ivy league)and possibly after that she would want to maybe be in new york or where ever but dint know yet where life was going. We talked about marriage and All that in the past and i couldn't understand why she would move away again after she got back and keep the long distance relationship going on when she could easy move back to where im starting my career ( which could support us for the rest of

Our lives) and we wouldn't have to be separated for any longer.We both were upset about all of this and decided to talk about everything face to face when she got back. April was our 5 year Anniversary and she returned a few days ago.

 

When i picked her up at the Airport i knew something was off. We spent the next few days together on a mini vacation before her graduation which was yesterday. The whole time i just had this feeling that something was off. To cut to the point i confronted her and she admitted she cheated on me after we had that talk in march. She got close with another student over a months time after that and slowly got feeling for this ugly mother fer and started kissing and cuddling.Around the time of our anniversary it got to the point where theyslept together one time. We talked about everything for hours and she was so sorry... Your the only one for me... I will never meet another guy who treats me like you do... I effed up really bad.. Dont leave me etc.. So i left before the graduation and went back home and that brings me to today.

 

I dont know what to do. I know common sense says just to leave her and move on Before this i knew this is the girl i wanted to marry at some point and be with the rest of my life. This might sound crazy since she was my only serious gf and since we started dating in high school. I told her before she left the to go away to college that if she ever cheated on me that would be the only thing that could break us Apart. Now that im actually confronted with this worst case scenario idk how i feel. Im young im starting a serious career in a great metropolitan area and why should i give her a second chance? The biggest problem im having is that i will never be able to get that image i have out of my head. Plus besides the cheating we have to revisit the topic put on pause that she wants to take life else where possibly. I might have already answered to myself what to do, but after 5 years or pouring my heart, soul and every bit of energy into making this relationship work i want to come to peace before making the right decision. I have never felt so sick and weak my entire life. This girl was apart of

All my plans and dreams for the future and with in a span of 24 hours that is All gone. It feel like she died and there is know hope for us. Sorry for the long rant but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you should go with your gut and end this. She betrayed you in the worst way and you're right - you won't be able to get that image out of your mind for a long, long time. Every time she is unreachable, it will eat at you. Every time she is slow to respond to a call or message, you'll likely be wondering who she is with and why she isn't available. You'll find yourself questioning her a lot and putting yourself through emotional hell. This infidelity wasn't something that occurred on a random occasion; as you said, it'd been building for a little while and she knew where it was heading. She kept that from you and knew what she was doing was wrong. Keep in mind that the version of events she's giving you could be a little sanitized; she was able to deceive you for a little while so it might not be the whole story.

 

It also seems to me that maybe she was drifting away anyhow. Thinking of keeping the distance going by moving away again doesn't indicate that she is ready to close the gap and focus on a future with you at this point. She has her own dreams and it sounds like that is her path right now. You've been together a long time and from a young age. Both of you may be outgrowing it now. You're still young, and you have plenty of time to find someone who will truly commit to you.

[lolablue17]

A one time cheating with someone abroad + while she is 4 month distance from you is the least hurting cheating on the scale. especialy if she admitted the cheating by herself.

 

Not like other cheating it doesn't necessary say that she is a liar, or a serial cheater, or anything like it.

 

But of course it still cheating.

 

The only thing is you and your feelings. If you can handle it, I'd make that effort. But if you think you're going to have mind movies for ever, just drop it. relationship is meant to make people happy, not miserable

[Leigh 87]

I wouldn't cheat on a guy I was in love with.

 

Plenty of other girls don't cheat and they have the decency to end the relationship before they hook up with another man.

 

You would be crazy to pick her over a new girl who may never cheat on you.

 

Worst of all, I don't think she is truly in love with you.

[aliveagain]

She knew your boundaries but broke them anyway. She crossed over a line she can never cross back, you will always have this information swimming around in your head as long as you know her. Every time you are away from each other, every time she's out on a girls night, every time your away on business you will think about this. You now know that she will act if the opportunity is there and she thinks she can get away with it. Is this something that should be part of your relationship? Can you live with the imbalance her infidelity has created? If you told her the consequence of infidelity, stand by your word. One of the expectations of an exclusive relationship is never having to worry about your partners fidelity, that they always have your back. The guarantee of paternity should you marry. Do you feel safe with her when she is away from you?

[DB COOPER]

Thanks everyone for the swift replies. Everything you all said makes perfect sense and i know what i have to do. Things probably weren't headed in the right direction anyways even if she didn't cheat. Maybe i sound naive because im so young but until this happened i knew this the one i wanted to be with. For her i guess she was putting up a bs front saying she felt the same way. She is very confused with what she wants and that wont make things work out. I know i did as much as a could to make the relationship work so she is going to miss out on what could have been a great future for us.

[lolablue17]

Thanks everyone for the swift replies. Everything you all said makes perfect sense and i know what i have to do. Things probably weren't headed in the right direction anyways even if she didn't cheat. Maybe i sound naive because im so young but until this happened i knew this the one i wanted to be with. For her i guess she was putting up a bs front saying she felt the same way. She is very confused with what she wants and that wont make things work out. I know i did as much as a could to make the relationship work so she is going to miss out on what could have been a great future for us.

 

I support you and think you made the right decision!

Please give us an update after it's done.

 

I read so many stories here about people who decided to stay and the misery which came with it. It's great to hear someone like you, with a healthy common sense and an independence personality.

[georgecostanza]

I'll try and make this short..

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating since high school and have been together for 5 years. She decided to go away to college (within 300miles) and we decided to give a long distance relationship a try. It has been a difficult four years but we have managed to get through it. This past january of her final senior semester she went to study abroad in Europe. This was going to be the longest we have been apart but i wasn't worried because we made it the past couple of years so what is 4 months. During the time she left i got new job that is going to be my career which will keep me in a large metropolitan area that we both have family and lived i already for the foreseeable future.

Around march we had a serious talk over skype about the future and the experience so far made her realize that for graduate school (ivy league)and possibly after that she would want to maybe be in new york or where ever but dint know yet where life was going. We talked about marriage and All that in the past and i couldn't understand why she would move away again after she got back and keep the long distance relationship going on when she could easy move back to where im starting my career ( which could support us for the rest of

Our lives) and we wouldn't have to be separated for any longer.We both were upset about all of this and decided to talk about everything face to face when she got back. April was our 5 year Anniversary and she returned a few days ago.

 

When i picked her up at the Airport i knew something was off. We spent the next few days together on a mini vacation before her graduation which was yesterday. The whole time i just had this feeling that something was off. To cut to the point i confronted her and she admitted she cheated on me after we had that talk in march. She got close with another student over a months time after that and slowly got feeling for this ugly mother fer and started kissing and cuddling.Around the time of our anniversary it got to the point where theyslept together one time. We talked about everything for hours and she was so sorry... Your the only one for me... I will never meet another guy who treats me like you do... I effed up really bad.. Dont leave me etc.. So i left before the graduation and went back home and that brings me to today.

 

I dont know what to do. I know common sense says just to leave her and move on Before this i knew this is the girl i wanted to marry at some point and be with the rest of my life. This might sound crazy since she was my only serious gf and since we started dating in high school. I told her before she left the to go away to college that if she ever cheated on me that would be the only thing that could break us Apart. Now that im actually confronted with this worst case scenario idk how i feel. Im young im starting a serious career in a great metropolitan area and why should i give her a second chance? The biggest problem im having is that i will never be able to get that image i have out of my head. Plus besides the cheating we have to revisit the topic put on pause that she wants to take life else where possibly. I might have already answered to myself what to do, but after 5 years or pouring my heart, soul and every bit of energy into making this relationship work i want to come to peace before making the right decision. I have never felt so sick and weak my entire life. This girl was apart of

All my plans and dreams for the future and with in a span of 24 hours that is All gone. It feel like she died and there is know hope for us. Sorry for the long rant but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

I highlighted the two sentences that stood out to me.

 

I don't want to sound belittling, but she is your only serious girlfriend, and it's sometimes easy to mistake attachment for love. There were a number of relationships I had where I felt I was in love and wanted to build a future with them, all of which ended up failing. When I was 25 I met a woman who completely blew all of my conceptions about love out of the water. It didn't last, but that's another story... What I'm trying to say is: She might not be the love of your life, it's possible your judgment is clouded by the length of the relationship etc. You won't really know until you've been with other women.

 

The second sentence I highlighted: You're young, you're starting a career. So much life to live, if you do break up with her, this is definitely the time to do it.

 

People change as they grow, and it seems to me you two have different ideas about where you see yourselves. You've got your career and home, I'm getting the impression that she is more open to moving around and maybe less certain what she wants career wise yet. I think you've just grown apart, you're different people moving in different directions. It doesn't invalidate what you had, but it seems like it might be time to leave it in the past.

[tom670]

She doesn't love you so you need to leave.

 

At least tell her you need time to think about whether you are going to take her back.

[DB COOPER]

@tom670 im going to talk to her one final time before it is all over and she knows to give me my space.. I really wish i could take her back because i spent so much time and energy into the relationship even under these circumstances its hard to let it go.

[tom670]

@tom670 im going to talk to her one final time before it is all over and she knows to give me my space.. I really wish i could take her back because i spent so much time and energy into the relationship even under these circumstances its hard to let it go.

 

It sucks but this was her choice this was not your fault. This will be a hard lesson for her.

Truly sad.

[central]

If you do marry her, what about the future? Will she cheat again if there's an opportunity? Reestablishing trust and confidence in her future fidelity is a long and difficult road.

[tom670]

When a cheater says they only slept together once that means they slept together 5 to 10 times.

Cheaters always try to minimize.

Sorry.

[tom670]

Not that it matters but did she mention the name of the other man?

Is he in her class?

[DB COOPER]

@tom670 ya he is in her class and i know who the SOB is. Supposedly with two months left before she came back is where it went down hill because "i wasnt supportive" of what she wanted to do. Which is bs because i was nothing but supportive since day 1. Either way there is no excuse what ever way she wants to put a spin on it. This is just so unreal!!

[Hobbes' wagon]

Hi, I'm sorry you find yourself in such a situation. I would like to advise you to read the following post I made at a similar topic - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/475181-my-gf-admitted-cheating-last-year-4th-july-3.html#post5683253 .

 

It's quite long, that's why I don't want to post it here and take up too much space.

 

Just don't let her guilt you into staying by crying etc. And also, I do not think she is remorseful. She's sorry, but mostly because of herself, because she's sorry that she might lose her plan B (you), because she's afraid to be alone, because things haven't worked out with the other guy etc. And she's still blaming you for cheating (you weren't supportive etc), she hasn't offered you a plan how she would make you feel safe in the future etc., she hasn't decided she'd do anything for you, let alone stay in the same city in the future etc.

 

Anyway, best wishes, whatever you decide. And don't stop coming here, it's a great place to get support and prevent from being manipulated!

[tom670]

@tom670 ya he is in her class and i know who the SOB is. Supposedly with two months left before she came back is where it went down hill because "i wasnt supportive" of what she wanted to do. Which is bs because i was nothing but supportive since day 1. Either way there is no excuse what ever way she wants to put a spin on it. This is just so unreal!!

 

Yep she is trying to gaslight you and rationalize what she did.

I suggest you move on. You can do better.

Tell the other dude she is all yours.

Edited May 6, 2014 by tom670

[DB COOPER]

Appreciate your 2 cents and everyones... Its making this whole situation alot easier to deal with!!

[DB COOPER]

I have a update about the situation if anyone wants to know.

 

I recently just met with my ex face to face to get to the bottom of all this. The new information I found out was that the "one time hookup" happened 2 weeks prior to her return. She says she still does not understand or know why she did this and took full responibility for what happened and has no one to blame for herself. She also said it was a emotional connection with the guy and it wasnt physical which puzzels me even more. Then i got the whole your the only one for me blah blah with all the aplologies and such. I told her I dont see how this could ever work out because it will be so hard to forget and move past it. I need to focus on the new career im starting since there is 6+ months of "boot camp" like training followed with months of probationary periods and i dont need her imterferring wit that and messing my life up a second time. It was alot harder than i thought it would be just to walk away and a little part of me still hopes that in the future things could work out. We talked for a few hours and kept asking myself why im still feeling this way even though what she has done to me. I told her you know where im going to be for the next 20 years and if you grow up, figure what you want in life including moving away like originally brought up then only maybe could things work out. But for now ive beem starting to get over it rather quickly and am currently talking with someone else from my previous job... Fingers crossed! Maybe something will come out of that idk. But again thanks for all the support and advice! It really helped me start to move on alot faster and get a good prespective on things!!!