QuakerOats Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 Another thread made me think how "standard" many of the MM's reasons for not leaving his wife are. I wonder why they even claim they are leaving most of the times?? Thought I'd start a list of "reasons" I heard from the exMM. Please chime in with your own, I think it is quite illuminating to how predictable these MM are...and I suppose the OW who believe them. My exMM started out our R claiming he was getting divorced because his M was so terrible. You know, the sexless marriage, living as friends, controlling spouse stories. Then he couldn't seem to actually leave despite grandiose future faking and came up with the following "reasons": 1) I would hurt my son. 2) My business is failing and now I'm financially dependent on my wife so I need to find a job first. 3) My wife is Catholic and this would devastate her. 4) A car hit my house and caused lots of damage. I don't have the money to hire people, so I need to do all the repairs myself because I don't want to leave my wife and son with a house that is damaged. 5) My wife is waiting for her boss to die/resign so that she'll be promoted, and once she is promoted she can work from home and then she'll be able to move wherever we want...so we'll move to a city closer to you and then once we are settled I'll get a divorce. 6) My wife will take all the money. 7) My wife won't let me see my son and I don't want to be like my own father who was uninvolved. 8) My wife's family is really involved in her life and they are very Catholic and would be very angry and they'd influence my son. These are all variations on the same themes. Link to post Share on other sites
EnderA Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 Yes, they are all variations of the "I just need more time" BS that allows the MM to string the OW along. The real tragedy is the number of really smart and savvy women that actually fall for this. It's probably a form of cognitive dissonance, as to admit to yourself the obviousness of the BS would be to admit that all the time and planning that the OW has put into the the R will amount to nothing. I think that is why future faking works so well, both parties are so emotionally and cognitively invested in the obviously BS future that neither of them can bear to call out the plan as crap. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted May 4, 2014 Author Share Posted May 4, 2014 Yes, they are all variations of the "I just need more time" BS that allows the MM to string the OW along. The real tragedy is the number of really smart and savvy women that actually fall for this. It's probably a form of cognitive dissonance, as to admit to yourself the obviousness of the BS would be to admit that all the time and planning that the OW has put into the the R will amount to nothing. I think that is why future faking works so well, both parties are so emotionally and cognitively invested in the obviously BS future that neither of them can bear to call out the plan as crap. Yes, I agree. And probably cognitive dissonance on the part of the MM as well. Link to post Share on other sites
EnderA Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 Yes, I agree. And probably cognitive dissonance on the part of the MM as well. Yes, but the MM is frequently protecting his cake and making sure the side action continues. Plus, it is common that the M can compartmentalize better than the W in the A. The MM probably has a better idea that the A is built on a crappy foundation that he helped build. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 I believe that was my thread recently re excuses. I won't repeat them all here. But, the stages have been future faking, "I want to be with you for real, I need more time, we will figure this out"; and now it's "I love you so much, you deserve to be happy and if you find someone available that makes you happy, I understand." It sucks on the last one because it makes me really see we will never be together. And what I don't get is he will not say he loves his W, all he will say is he doesn't want anything to happen to her. And that he wants to be a Godly man," but can't stay away from me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted May 4, 2014 Author Share Posted May 4, 2014 I believe that was my thread recently re excuses. I won't repeat them all here. But, the stages have been future faking, "I want to be with you for real, I need more time, we will figure this out"; and now it's "I love you so much, you deserve to be happy and if you find someone available that makes you happy, I understand." It sucks on the last one because it makes me really see we will never be together. And what I don't get is he will not say he loves his W, all he will say is he doesn't want anything to happen to her. And that he wants to be a Godly man," but can't stay away from me. More like he wants to LOOK like a "godly" faithful man all the while having a secret OW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EnderA Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 More like he wants to LOOK like a "godly" faithful man all the while having a secret OW. LOL @ "godly" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotOW35 Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 My situation is a little different cause my MM is separated and in the process of a divorce. But he has lots of excuses why his divorce is taking four years. 1. His wife is an alcoholic so custody stuff keeps coming up taking up time in court so it prolongs the divorce. 2. His wife is trying to take half his business, so there is a lot of accounting and depositions and stuff that keep it a long time in court. 3. His kids have lots of activities which keep him from working on the divorce. 4. His parents keep getting involved in the divorce making it take longer. 5. I can't move in because he gave his W the marital home and his father bought him the one he has now and it is in the fathers name so it can't be part of the estate and his father doesn't approve of living together. 6. took forever to meet his kids cause he allowed his W to have an opinion on this and she thought it wasn't appropriate Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 I believe that was my thread recently re excuses. I won't repeat them all here. But, the stages have been future faking, "I want to be with you for real, I need more time, we will figure this out"; and now it's "I love you so much, you deserve to be happy and if you find someone available that makes you happy, I understand." It sucks on the last one because it makes me really see we will never be together. And what I don't get is he will not say he loves his W, all he will say is he doesn't want anything to happen to her. And that he wants to be a Godly man," but can't stay away from me. That was when I knew we were at the beginning of the end. It started as "I can't stand the thought of losing you, I never want you with anyone else, I love you so much, I do plan to end up with you, It'll all be ok, baby". Then towards the end, it was "I understand if you're not happy and you deserve to be happy with someone that can be there for you, blah blah blah". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotOW35 Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 That was when I knew we were at the beginning of the end. It started as "I can't stand the thought of losing you, I never want you with anyone else, I love you so much, I do plan to end up with you, It'll all be ok, baby". Then towards the end, it was "I understand if you're not happy and you deserve to be happy with someone that can be there for you, blah blah blah". Yeah, this is their way of letting you stay or go without guilt cause they can't commit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 6. took forever to meet his kids cause he allowed his W to have an opinion on this and she thought it wasn't appropriate sorry but I think his w should have a opinion on this they're her kids too Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 - I can't tell her, my life would be a living hell and I don't want to hurt my son - I was going to leave now, but she's having an operation - I can't leave now, I'm financially dependent on her - I was telling her this weekend, but it's new years, so I can't ruin it - I only tell her I love her so that she's not on my back all the time (after I saw a loving sms from him to her) - I'm looking for a new job so that my finances get better - I'm waiting until my son is 18 - I feel sorry for her - I don't wanna ruin things for my son and my mother Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 Second hand - but here ya go. 1) My wife knows but does not want to know 2) We have not had a real marriage or sex in years 3) My wife is cheating too (but lets keep this hidden anyway) 4) Its part of my culture 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 Second hand - but here ya go. 1) My wife knows but does not want to know 2) We have not had a real marriage or sex in years 3) My wife is cheating too (but lets keep this hidden anyway) 4) Its part of my culture My exMM did the "My wife knows but does not want to know." As well as the no sex, and he intimated that she cheated, which is highly unlikely the more I've heard about her. And what culture is he that encourages cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 And what I don't get is he will not say he loves his W, all he will say is he doesn't want anything to happen to her. Perhaps that is really true though. You can love someone but not be in love with them. You can also care about someone but not love them. That said, I understand your frustration. The feelings he has for his W, whatever they may be labeled, are causing him not to leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 We haven't discussed my MM leaving or anything, but my guess is if we ever did, his excuses would at first be focused on stuff to do with his career. After that gets exhausted, next would come the kids, and then stuff about the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Soverysad123 Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 My wife would make the D very nasty and although the courts would give me visiting rights, she would not let me see my children. She would turn them against me (that's exMM). My daughter is in the middle of her GCSE's and then next year it will be A levels and then uni. Once that child has finished the next one will be in the middle of GCSE's etc. I have always known in my heart of hearts he would never leave, even though he claims to have a marriage that makes him so very unhappy. Although I too didn't and never said I wanted to leave my marriage. Anyway that unhappy marriage that he is in, can't be that unhappy as he wants nothing to do with me. I am the one not that long ago was the most beautiful, the one with the very special connection etc etc etc. now he doesn't even want me as a friend. So very hard letting go. Especially when he doesn't have one single friend in the whole wide world and he has thrown me away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 My exMM pretty much lied to me about everything to do with his marriage, so he didn't do a lot of faking about leaving because he claimed he'd done that already. When I pushed about the divorce being "final" not realizing it hadn't even "started" he told me he hated to think of himself like his dad who left his mom. Apparently divorcing is worse in his mind than lying to two women and breaking the hearts of two women. Class act that one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 My exMM pretty much lied to me about everything to do with his marriage, so he didn't do a lot of faking about leaving because he claimed he'd done that already. When I pushed about the divorce being "final" not realizing it hadn't even "started" he told me he hated to think of himself like his dad who left his mom. Apparently divorcing is worse in his mind than lying to two women and breaking the hearts of two women. Class act that one. Divorce makes them feel like a loser, having two women makes them feel like a winner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) And what culture is he that encourages cheating? He was from New Zealand and claimed that having a mistress(es) was the culture he came from. I have contacted a few people since then from New Zealand who claimed this was total BS. But with his charming KIWI accent, and other justifications that cheating was ok - it made a nice pitch to let her have less resistance to the whole thing - which is the point right? Now maybe France or Italy....I suppose. Edited May 5, 2014 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I'm sure I tried to be ' noble' with OM a couple of times too . This thread is making me laugh so hard, not to hurt anyone's feelings or to disrespect , but it is laughable to me how all A are so alike , the same justifications , the same stories told, the same craziness .. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 We haven't discussed my MM leaving or anything, but my guess is if we ever did, his excuses would at first be focused on stuff to do with his career. After that gets exhausted, next would come the kids, and then stuff about the wife. Popsicle, I noticed you dropped the "x" before MM. You said recently the two of you broke NC and were going to try to be friends. Did it result it resuming the A? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) Popsicle, I noticed you dropped the "x" before MM. You said recently the two of you broke NC and were going to try to be friends. Did it result it resuming the A? We are in LC, very LC, and only by email, and we live long-distance, but I suppose you can say it is resumed, even though I don't know what I would call what we have. We're mostly friendly but there has been flirting a couple of times, but there is no intention on my end to ramp that up and he doesn't usually do it either. Whatever it is that we have, I don't know how long it's going to last because he's leaving the country for work soon for several months. I have until the end of the year before I start dating and I will be doing that for sure. (tired of being alone) Edited May 5, 2014 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I'm not judging you or anything but that is a resumed A. Why are you going to wait till the end of the year ( 7 more months) to start dating again if you're tired of being alone , may I ask ? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) I'm not judging you or anything but that is a resumed A. Why are you going to wait till the end of the year ( 7 more months) to start dating again if you're tired of being alone , may I ask ? I'm working on a personal goal that requires my focus. We email maybe once a week (and they are short emails) but I have no worries at all that this will escalate into more. It will become even less when he leaves, I assume. He will be very busy and probably miss his family. I would call it an EA technically, but it sure doesn't feel like one to me. There is so little contact and thus so little fulfillment for me as far as relationship stuff goes. Edited May 5, 2014 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
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