jesienna31 Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 I am finally ready and feeling strong to break up. I had initial chat with my MM on Friday, expressed my feeling about him expecting a baby now with his wife. I said it is hard emotionally to carry on and baby changes it all for me. He understood it all, it was very open and respectful conversation. It was getting late and we could not continue the topic so we hugged each other strongly and he left. We said we will talk again after the weekend. On Saturday morning he e-mailed me like he would normally do, to keep me posted what he was up to. I replied in a normal fashion. Now I just don't want to loose the track of the direction in which I was trying to take our conversation on Friday night. I want to finish the affair. I was thinking of emailing him this evening with a final goodbyes.. Is that enough? We both were responsible for the affair and agreed to it all, so i don't want to suddenly go NC without a closure for either myself or him, so would the email be fair enough to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 Personally, I wouldn't break up by email but I do believe it's a personal issue. Why don't you want to tell him over the phone (if you're LD) or in person, if you're local to each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Share Posted May 4, 2014 We don't really call each other, just email most of the time. SO it is either face to face or email. But face to face... will be hard... I don't have confidence talking about my feelings, especially during break up . It is easier for me to write it all down... but is it enough just to write? We work very close to each other so pulling out some time for a conversation wouldn't be hard but i am scared I won;t be able to put it into words the way I could via email. Link to post Share on other sites
OneMess Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 I don't know what the right answer is either, because I'm sorta going through the same thing...wondering if I should just continue NC (it's been 8 days) or have a conversation with him about it. Face to face, on the phone, email? I don't know. :'( Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 I think it depends on how strong and firm you are in your decision. If you can handle a face to face talk and it would make you feel better, then go for that. Personally, when I see my MOM I get weak in the knees, I would HAVE to break up via text because the second I see his face it's all over. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 He's married and chooses to stay maried, you owe him nothing. End things however way that works for YOU. Only you will look out for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 I think if you normally communicate by email than emailing is fine same as calling/texting would be if that's how you normally communicate breaking up is never nice and no matter how you do it it will be painful Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 He's married and chooses to stay maried, you owe him nothing. End things however way that works for YOU. Only you will look out for you. I agree with this. Do whatever will give you the most peace. If its blocking him and explaining nothing, that is fine. If you want to have a final talk in person, also fine. The importance is to end it in a way that you both know its done...that nagging "wonder if he might text me one more time" feeling will wear you down quickly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I am finally ready and feeling strong to break up. I had initial chat with my MM on Friday, expressed my feeling about him expecting a baby now with his wife. I said it is hard emotionally to carry on and baby changes it all for me. He understood it all, it was very open and respectful conversation. It was getting late and we could not continue the topic so we hugged each other strongly and he left. We said we will talk again after the weekend. On Saturday morning he e-mailed me like he would normally do, to keep me posted what he was up to. I replied in a normal fashion. Now I just don't want to loose the track of the direction in which I was trying to take our conversation on Friday night. I want to finish the affair. I was thinking of emailing him this evening with a final goodbyes.. Is that enough? We both were responsible for the affair and agreed to it all, so i don't want to suddenly go NC without a closure for either myself or him, so would the email be fair enough to him? Let's put it this way, if his wife ever found out about the A, he'd throw you under the bus and cut you out of his life so respectfully I say just send him an email that you don't want a long drawn out goodbye(s) and that you cannot stay in the A anymore, that you're done. Wish him well and say what you need to say to him but do not drag this out for weeks or months. Once you end it, make it over for good and do everything possible to stay away from him (emails, calls etc), seek counseling if you need extra help in case you can't do this on your own. You're doing the right thing so please do not let him talk you out of ending it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 Thank you for the responses... I really feel just like writing an email, cause i am scared I will show him how weak i actually feel inside around him and how difficult it is for me to break it. it would just be the safest option for me to do that. I hope he will understand... We really were truly friends apart from all this "benefits" so this is why i feel so connected to him and it is harder... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 We don't really call each other, just email most of the time. SO it is either face to face or email. But face to face... will be hard... I don't have confidence talking about my feelings, especially during break up . It is easier for me to write it all down... but is it enough just to write? We work very close to each other so pulling out some time for a conversation wouldn't be hard but i am scared I won;t be able to put it into words the way I could via email. I broke up with my xMM 3 times. the first one, by text. the 2nd one, by phone. the 3rd one, by email. We always resumed our A. When we met over dinner 6 weeks back, he asked me how I felt and why I did the things I did (disappeared for more than 2 months)...I couldn't answer and tried not to cry. (I didn't cry of course). I just couldn't answer. I guess via email, we can express ourselves more and have the privilege to choose the words in a careful manner. SO...do it via email...and I hope you can stay NC afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Thank you for the responses... I really feel just like writing an email, cause i am scared I will show him how weak i actually feel inside around him and how difficult it is for me to break it. it would just be the safest option for me to do that. I hope he will understand... We really were truly friends apart from all this "benefits" so this is why i feel so connected to him and it is harder... Couldn't agree with you more... Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I am on the fence here... I would always say no matter what the circumstances you should face up to things and have decency to talk face to face. be gentle but firm, allow the other person time to ask questions for their own sake. It is the adult thing to do...breaking up by txt or email is for teenagers. How would you feel if he did that to you ? However i also cave at the first site of my AP's smile....i literally go weak at the knees ( even now after 3 yrs and an ocean of tears and heartbreak) so not sure i could do it...and i have got close several times maybe an email saying you would like to talk face to face, you feel you need to end the relationship and respect that he may have questions etc, make it clear this is a one off last time meeting. practice the script ! and stick to it. Accept he might not want to meet. If you email, what are you going to do when he emails back asking questions etc....? are you going to reply ?? and thus it all gets dragged out. But who am I to advise....i have "the conversation" a thousand times a day in my head with my AP but never have followed through Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 We don't really call each other, just email most of the time. SO it is either face to face or email. But face to face... will be hard... I don't have confidence talking about my feelings, especially during break up . It is easier for me to write it all down... but is it enough just to write? We work very close to each other so pulling out some time for a conversation wouldn't be hard but i am scared I won;t be able to put it into words the way I could via email. That makes sense. Maybe you could do a combination of both. But, if you feel you may cave if you speak with him on the phone or in person it's better to do it via email than not at all. An affair with a MM/MW isn't based on etiquette. Anyway you can get out of it, I say, "Go for it!" Your health; emotional, physical, spiritual, depends on it, imho. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I've always kind of felt like in person was a better way, more respectful. But this guy is having a baby with his wife. He's not showing you much respect. If you seriously intend to end it, and don't feel you can face him, my opinion is send the email, then don't read anything he sends back. Just move forward. You can do this. We deserve self respect and self love. If this is going to give you this, do it. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Share Posted May 12, 2014 Broke up finally this afternoon with my MM of 2 years... if u know my story him and his wife are expecting a baby now. I let myself be sucked back in but gladly got enough strength with all of your support to break free. And it really does feel like breaking free... I feel so light, so free, so happy, it is incredible feeling. I was walking back home, it was raining and I could sense everything that was happening around me.. enjoyed the rain drops, enjoyed the smell after the rain... I know it just sounds crazy but I trully did. For the last few weeks/ months my mind was so occupied with him... is he gonna call, he is gonna write, will I see him this week.. and everything else seemed not to matter... I lost the connection with the whole wide world. Today I feel like I shut this door and finally have the freedom of mind and heart to enjoy my life. NC day one I am so ready for that. Thank you all for all of your support. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Soverysad123 Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Well done. Stay strong. I hope those positive feelings stay with you and if you are tempted to contact him re read you post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
msoptimistic Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Thanks for posting that...I am on another thread sincerely looking for the best advice to go NC and be successful at it...I so wish I were at the place you are and ready to give it up vs. feeling forced to give it up...I've heard people say they just got to the point they had to walk away and they actually felt good about it, but I can't even begin to imagine it. You story, however, does offer hope...can you tell me if there were feelings that precipitated your decision...did you just grow more and more tired of the situation or did it just hit you? I try to talk myself into the frame of mind you're in but haven't convinced myself of anything yet! Congratulations and enjoy it...lots of us are looking for what you have found! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Share Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) It has been a journey I must say... we broke it off 5 times and always found each other back. The connection was really strong. But the pregnancy changed it all though for me. I felt like I am doing something really wrong seeing him although i had very deep feeling for him. So I let myself carry on and put a blind eye on it for sometime... living in a denial that this is not happening. We hardly spoke about his life at home and what he was up to with his wife. But the pregnancy scans kept bringing me down to earth, reminding how it really is and how it will never be for me. Reminding me that he is married and fully committed to his wife and his new family now. Reminded me that there will be so many wonderful moments that will simply get his wife and him so connected and stronger together. So it took me a while to grow into this decision and it was really hard. This morning I felt pretty strong to break it all off. Last night I wrote it all down on a piece of paper how this relationship makes me feel. The good things at the bad things... Nothing too special, just simply I named and listed every single emotion that came to my mind and thought of it for a while... from feeling connected, feeling the passion, love and excitement to feeling scared, stuck in, ashamed, jealous, hurt... and I tried to understand it a bit more, dig deeper into that emotion and think how I could deal with it. It somehow helped me to clear the storm inside that just kept me so stuck in this relationship not knowing what to do next. When I was on my way to see him though I started shaking, loosing my ground again. When he was walking up I was so confident I am not going to do it, but I did. And it felt great afterwards. Straight away. He was also very understanding, which was great. He knew this was the best decision for both of us, although really hard to take. I am sure grief will come and times when I miss him a lot, but at the end of the day I know that I did the best thing for myself and I will stick to it. You have to go within yourself, start to trust yourself and your feelings. Every emotion that you experience in your relationship means something and we get to get stuck on the good ones, claiming that we are in love, that we feel the passion, that we are so connected together. But please pay attention to the negative feelling too... they are also part of you and they are telling you something about yourself and your relationship. Hear them too and ask yourself how to sort them out. What do u need to do to feel different, better, happier... whatever it applies to your situation. Thanks for posting that...I am on another thread sincerely looking for the best advice to go NC and be successful at it...I so wish I were at the place you are and ready to give it up vs. feeling forced to give it up...I've heard people say they just got to the point they had to walk away and they actually felt good about it, but I can't even begin to imagine it. You story, however, does offer hope...can you tell me if there were feelings that precipitated your decision...did you just grow more and more tired of the situation or did it just hit you? I try to talk myself into the frame of mind you're in but haven't convinced myself of anything yet! Congratulations and enjoy it...lots of us are looking for what you have found! Edited May 12, 2014 by jesienna31 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) My ex MM did me and my work colleague from work a favour few weeks back and helped out with getting a job for her husband. 2nd day after my break up with MM I found out that unfortunately the job opportunity didn’t work out but my friend told me that my exMM really streached himself to help. I know he did all this because of me in a way ( at that time we were still seeing each other). Now second day into my NC… do I write him a brief quick message saying thanks for the help and that I appreciate it although it didn’t work or… do I just leave it and stick to my NC? Edited May 14, 2014 by jesienna31 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 My ex MM did me and my work colleague from work a favour few weeks back and helped out with getting a job for her husband. 2nd day after my break up with MM I found out that unfortunately the job opportunity didn’t work out but my friend told me that my exMM really streached himself to help. I know he did all this because of me in a way ( at that time we were still seeing each other). Now second day into my NC… do I write him a brief quick message saying thanks for the help and that I appreciate it although it didn’t work or… do I just leave it and stick to my NC? Stick to NC, because making contact will set you back emotionally, or possibly cause the A to start up again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Stay in NC mode. He knows you're thankful and appreciative. If anything your co worker can send him the note, not you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Your co-worker should send him an update and a thank you. There is no reason for you to break NC over this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Thank you, that is great. I just wanted to be reassured. Normally if it was an other friend's favour I would communicate my appreciation for the effort without giving it a second thought, but here it is all different now... I don't want to break NC. Thank you for putting my mind at rest Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm guessing my opinion may be a little unpopular but from what I understood, it's a favour he did the OP and her work colleague (through the OP). Out of politeness I would send him a brief note saying thank you. I don't see how it can do any harm if OP is sure about going NC. No matter what he says or replies, OP will have done her part, which is being polite and educated (even if he hasn't always been nice to her, I think it's the right thing to do, but not to be taken ANY FURTHER than that). Depends on what stage of healing you are OP. Early stages we're more fragile and more prone to their bullsh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
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