I can't forgive myself for sitting on a man's lap.

[Crystal_the_Vixen]

David is my boyfriend.

I'm 19 years old.

Victor is a recovery community place for people who are mentally ill.

This happened a month ago, I try to stop bringing it up.

Because David doesn't want me to bring it up or remember.

I start yelling "I'M GARBAGE!" over and over everytime I remember.

I think it's because of my Post-traumatic Stress Disorder or Anxiety Disorder.

I also have Social Phobia, Major Depression, ADHD, Asbergers.

 

Here's the Story~

So, I did something I really regret. I was being rowdy, silly, I wasn't thinking before acting. First of all, Nathan was a male friend of mine at victor. WAS! I sat on Nathan's chair to be next to my female friend. Nathan tells me "You stole my chair. So, I said "Fine, you can sit on my lap then" Because I always let my female friends sit on my lap for fun & being silly. I put my arms around his belly, because I always did that with my female friends. I wasn't thinking anything dirty at all, it was just something silly me & female friends did & I'd sometimes pretend I'm Santa too. But after he sat on my lap for 10 seconds, I realized what I did was wrong & I told him to get off. It was wrong because he's a man not a girl, it's okay to do that with female friends but not male friends.

 

But I never had that on my mind at first, because I tend to have a innocent mind. After that, Nathan kept asking me to sit on his lap. I felt so dirty & hated myself for doing that. Nathan started flirting with me, I didn't do anything but it secretly really bothered me. Especially when he said "You can have my sausage." Because somebody asked my sexuality & I said "I'm only straight, I only like sausages." It really pissed me off when he saw a picture of my boyfriend David & called him a insult. I insulted him back & then he insulted me back. Another guy named Fernado also flirted with me, he kinda bothered me too. So, I deleted him from Facebook. Nathan doesn't have Facebook so that's why I didn't mention deleting him.

 

I told David about it, he got really upset that I let a man sit on my lap. I asked David "Did I cheat?" He said "No, but it was kinda un-loyal." I felt so bad & I was very sorry, I tried to not cry because we were at the mall. David wanted to buy me stuff, but I refused because I felt I did not deserve it & I was really mad at myself. But then I did cry, David hugged me & tried to comfort me. We left the mall really quick, because I was having a panic attack. Once we got into the car, I let out all my emotions. I was crying so hard & telling David all kinds of things why he means so much to me. I kept telling him over & over how sorry I was. How it was so unfair to him, because I would of gotten upset if he let a girl sit on him. I asked David "Do you forgive me 100%?" He said "Yes." I asked David "Do you still think I'm 100% loyal?" He said "Yes." I asked "Are you being 100% honest?" He said "Yes." I do trust David 100%, but sometimes I need to ask about honesty because it helps my anxiety faster.

 

Even though I know he's telling the truth, just fully knowing he is calms me down faster. I was crying for hours, David tried to get my mind off it. I told him "I wish this was a dream, this is my worst nightmare." Even though I did not cheat, it felt like cheating to me & I hate myself for it. Even when guys flirt with me & I don't flirt back I feel like I'm cheating even though I didn't flirt back. So, this really impacted me. I'm usually uncomfortable around men when David isn't around, but now I'm traumatized to be around them. I'm dead afraid I might do something that's not okay with men but only okay with girls again, I'm afraid I might forget the whole gender rule again because of my general innocent mind. I tend to not think before I act when I'm really happy & being really silly with my friends.

 

I'm dead serious about not wanting to interact with males unless I'm with David, I'm really traumatized & very uncomfortable about it now.

 

I went as far as deleting every male on my facebook, I think David got kinda upset that I didn't want to be friends with his friends anymore just because they were male. I got a bit confused.

My therapist said I can't avoid men forever especially if I get a job, but actually I can if I get a job at Victoria's Secret that only has girls.

I guess, I'm sort of okay around men.

But I do still get anxiety though, because having a generally innocent mind with a adult female body is NOT a good combination with having male friends. I don't want to hurt him ever again, I don't want to ever break the gender rule again.

I guess, I'm more calmer if the man is friends with David or if David is around.

 

 

I told my adult female friend about it on facebook.

She said~

Sweetheart, you had no ill intentions and that's the biggest part. You did something innocent and when you realized it was beyond your boundaries, you put an immediate halt to it. Quit beating yourself up over it and forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong and David knows that and loves you!

 

But I still can't forget about it.

Edited May 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Crystal_the_Vixen]

IGNORE THIS THREAD!

I made alot of typos.

[d0nnivain]

I told my adult female friend about it on facebook.

She said~

Sweetheart, you had no ill intentions and that's the biggest part. You did something innocent and when you realized it was beyond your boundaries, you put an immediate halt to it. Quit beating yourself up over it and forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong and David knows that and loves you!

 

But I still can't forget about it.

 

 

I didn't see too many typos.

 

 

Your friend is a smart person. Listen to her.

 

 

Also perhaps you could benefit from a chat with one of the counselor's at victor.

[Rexxy]

Jeeze, take a breath.

 

Stop been so hard on yourself.

 

You made a mistake, you apologized, you were forgiven and you're still acting like the whole world is coming down on you.

 

You're taking this way too far!

 

Deleting all guys on facebook? Really?

 

No interaction with other men?

 

You said you have a few issues but please give yourself a break from been so hard on yourself. What you did was minor compared to what's going on in other relationships.

 

Sorry if I'm been hard on you but get a grip of yourself and pull your sh*t together.

 

Move on with all these childish reactions and stop acting all dramatic.

 

You sound like a very loyal girl and he's lucky to have you, but take a step back and be realistic with your decisions.

 

You're fine.