My story...

[OneMess]

New here...I guess this is where I belong. I'll try to be brief but these things are always so complex. I'll likely mix up the abbreviations and confuse the heck out of everyone. Feel free to call me on it for clarification.

 

I've known my MM for over 6 years. We've had a relationship for over 2.5 now. I know what they always say, a married man won't leave his wife for you but I made excuses. He was different. I'm an idiot.

 

He married later in life (late 40's) for the first time. In less than a month, his wife had an affair. Initially she said she was acting out and had gotten scared by the idea of 'only one' forever. He tried to forgive her, but in the next year or two she planned a trip abroad with a male friend. When MM became angry about that idea he sarcastically said, "I suppose you're going to f'k him too?" and she responded with "I don't like others telling me what I can do with my body." I think that was it for him. He was crushed.

 

We worked closely together but he never complained about her. I had an idea things weren't great because she'd call, I'd hear the distinctive sound of a female ranting, and he'd duck out of the office quick. I felt bad for him, but pretended to not notice. During that time, my own marriage was crumbing, so I guess it wasn't a big shocker that we ended up having an affair. We genuinely liked each other as people and were stuck together all day.

 

In about 6 months I moved out and left my husband of 19 years. The A wasn't the reason for it, but it was a huge wake-up call for me. I was never going to be 'that woman' and there I was, being 'that woman' :/ It was an awful period in my life. But I continued seeing MM.

 

His wife has been trying for a number of years to get a job in a city far away from here. Back where she came from, actually. She lives downstairs, and he lives upstairs. She gets freelance/temp jobs and disappears for weeks/months at a time and only comes back when she has no where else to go. At best, they're like roommates. All that I'm certain is true, I did enough social media stalking and we have enough mutual friends in common that I have no reason to doubt the validity of all that. She's done. She wants out.

 

My problem is, every time she's back our relationship is 'on hold' We see each other weekly for lunch and after hours drinks two days a week, and our communication is strictly messages and emails. When she's gone, it's really like we're a 'normal' couple. We've talked about this-we ourselves don't have any big issues where stopping dating makes sense. Neither of us know where it's going, but we like our relationship during those periods.

 

Like I said, it's been going on for 2.5 years. He has immense feelings of guilt because she gave up a career of 25 years to be married to him and move here. He says she has nowhere else to go. I understand she's thrown that up in his face, but I'm sure it was just in anger/frustration. At any rate, it eats at him and he cannot bring himself to tell her she needs to make other arrangements for her things, and to stop returning between jobs. it's over, she's on her own.

 

I miss him terribly and go through all the depression, crying, anger, and temper tantrum phases that appear to be quite normal when you're the OW. It's gotten unbearable for me. We had an instant message argument about it a week ago Saturday. He said he was sorry he got online, and I retorted I was sorry I met him. And that's it. NC ever since (except we are still friends on FB right now).

 

My question really is...do I try to talk to him one more time, to explain that I really do love him but as long as she's in the picture I can no longer be involved? Or do I just let it go as it is, quietly remove him from my friends list...and try to pick up the pieces?

 

I had a good day yesterday. Then last night I dreamed I saw him...today I'm aching and waiting for the 'doing ok' feeling to return.

[still_an_Angel]

I'd go for your first option one last time. Letting him know how you really feel about him and clarifying that nothing's going to happen until he makes a decision about separation or D with W. You have invested in this relationship but he shouldn't let you hang like this. It doesn't sit well that he still has guilty feelings about what she has given up to marry him. Seems he still has feelings for her; all the more reason to clarify your position.

 

All the best..

[OneMess]

I'm sure he does have feelings for her. He married her. And he'd been 'against' marriage his entire life. She really played a number on him, and he's admitted he questions his own judgement now.

 

For whatever it's worth, I still love my STBEXH as well. I'm not in love with him and could never go back, but I care very much what happens in his life. Apart from me, but as well because we have 4 kids together.

 

I'm afraid that if I do have 1 more sit-down with him, it'll open that door to repeat the process. This has been coming for some months now. He knows the turmoil I feel and of course feels tremendous guilt about that as well. He hates that it seems like he's using me, because he doesn't feel that way...but due to circumstances, it's impossible to NOT feel used at times.

 

His inability to tell her she needs to leave is symptomatic of other issues he has going on. They'd be difficult by themselves, and I'm unsure if I'd be able to cope long term despite the fact that I care about him very much. I only wanted a chance to find out. He's been talking about needing to sell his house, because he can't afford to heat it (he used to rent the downstairs out as an individual apt, but part of the deal with her moving up here was to get a job and they'd have the house to themselves). Other than meet once with a real estate agent, he's made no real move to list the house. The idea of the 'total upheaval moving would cause' stresses him out so much, he cannot do anything.

 

I know it sounds like he's a wuss and in my angrier moments I've said as much. He's a deeply caring, sweet man and has a lot of things going on at once and it's paralyzing him so he cannot deal with any of them. Part of my hope in removing myself is maybe I'll be 1 less distraction so he can focus his energy on taking care of himself. Which he needs to do for his own sake.

 

But like I said, if I see him...I'm human too. I can be extremely weak. I'd want to do more than just see him. Hugs & kisses and all that....

 

Ugh.

[whichwayisup]

He married later in life (late 40's) for the first time. In less than a month, his wife had an affair. Initially she said she was acting out and had gotten scared by the idea of 'only one' forever. He tried to forgive her, but in the next year or two she planned a trip abroad with a male friend. When MM became angry about that idea he sarcastically said, "I suppose you're going to f'k him too?" and she responded with "I don't like others telling me what I can do with my body." I think that was it for him. He was crushed.

 

Yet he still stayed? I smell a huge exaggeration or lie here to keep you on your toes (aka to keep you in his life, how he justifies his affair, that is IF his wife actually had an A) and keep you as the OW.

 

In about 6 months I moved out and left my husband of 19 years. The A wasn't the reason for it, but it was a huge wake-up call for me. I was never going to be 'that woman' and there I was, being 'that woman' :/ It was an awful period in my life. But I continued seeing MM.

 

Kudos to you for ending your own marriage. See, it happens, those who truly want 'out' of a marriage put a plan into action and stick to it. Your MM hasn't done that and fear is driving him, fear of the unknown, fear of the fall out, fear of losing all that he knows. My suggestion is, end it and tell him to get a hold of you ONLY when he has filed (with proof) and once he is officially divorced then you'll date him in a proper way. If you stay in his life you enable him to do nothing except stay married.

[OneMess]

Yet he still stayed? I smell a huge exaggeration or lie here to keep you on your toes (aka to keep you in his life, how he justifies his affair, that is IF his wife actually had an A) and keep you as the OW.

No, it really happened. She's...different. Lived alone in NYC for 25 years, owned her own place and was very independent. She has atypical beliefs and only got married so she could have health insurance. Prior, she didn't ever want to get married or be dependent on a man at all. She doesn't think we're meant to be monogamous, and thinks sex is just sex and everyone should have as much of it as they want. Free love and all that. (they're in their early 50's now). He's a bit different too...quiet, reserved, a hippie (although just a bit too young to be a real one) and never really wanted to marry either. A self-described serial monogamous up till he met her, and then he thought he was ready for marriage. Since that blew up in his face, I seriously doubt he'll ever try that again, but I think when he's ready he can certainly commit to one person. Whether that would be me or not remains to be seen...if he can extricate himself that is.

 

So, I've tried to use that argument with him that if SHE really believes that about sex and marriage, then she couldn't object if he told her he was going to his gf's for the weekend, especially since she stopped having sex with him years ago. He won't. Says he doesn't want her to make it about 'us' and he's not 100% sure how, or if, she'd react. Like I said, he's 'stuck' on other things in his life that have nothing to do with relationships, so the whole marriage/gf thing is too much.

 

I get it. I know him well enough and I do believe he's struggling. That really isn't the point for me being here. For my own sanity, I have to end it. I'm learning to cope with that, and the heartbreak of losing my lover and best friend. I'm trying hard to not message him right now. :/