A crisis with a friend

[go]

Hi guys,

 

I'm new to the forum and this is my first post. I'm having a bit of a rough time with one of my friends whom I have romantic feelings for (same old story).

 

It's a bit of a long story, so please bare with me, I need some advice ....

 

I'm in university right now, and there is this girl in class that I've known for 2 years but I was too chicken to ever talk to her. Finally this year, I mustered the courage to talk to her and ask her out on a date. We went out on 3 dates and had a great time! I know everyone says this, but I really feel that we connected. On the third date, I told her how I felt and to my surprise, she said she had feelings for me too. We went out a couple of more times and things were going really great (I thought it was gonna be the hollywood movie story). Then one day she tells me that she doesn't think she's ready for a boyfriend, and she "just wants to be friends." Of course I was totally crushed.

 

We didn't talk for a few weeks and that was absolute misery. Finally I contacted her and told her I still wanted to be friends. Things went great for the next two months. We've become the best of friends in such a short time and we go out all the time. It's like we've known each other all our lives. But the problem is .... you've guessed it, I still have feelings for her. In fact, because I know her so well now, my feelings are stronger now than before. I think I realized all of this when she told me she was going to hang out with her ex-boyfriend. She told me 4 or 5 times that she had no intentions of getting back together with him (does this mean anything? I didn't ask her what her intentions were???).

 

So in short .... the dilemma is I think I'm falling for one of my really good friends. My question is how do I get rid of these "romantic feelings" and stay her friend? I know she's not ready for a boyfriend and I don't want to tell her how I feel and ruin everything. I'll be honest, I think I'm hoping we'll end up together by some divine twist of fate or destiny. I know this is the wrong way to think. PLEASE HELP!!! I REALLY JUST WANT TO BE HER FRIEND FOR MY OWN SANITY!

[P1xie]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you can't just turn off your feelings and it's pretty obvious you have feelings for her.

 

You can either continue being her friend with the constant yearning for something more and hope in time she will want more or you can distant yourself from her in hope the feelings will dwindle in time.

[go]

Hi P1xie,

 

Thanks for the reply. I know I have feelings for her but the option of distancing myself from her just doesn't appeal to me. We've become too close of friends now. Also, I guess I'm holding on because I don't want to eliminate any chance we might have together in the future. Is that a stupud way to think? There's no easy solution to this I guess ...

 

I guess I also wonder what's going on through her mind. Do you think she knows how I feel? I told her how I felt only 2 months ago. I wonder if women can sense when a "friend" has feelings for them? I wonder if this girl has any clue how strong my feelings are for her. I gotta tell ya, matters of the heart are really complicated.

[P1xie]

I can usually tell when someone likes me more than a friend. You said you two have become good friends, well as good friends you should be able to talk freely. Tell her how you feel. Tell her if there can't be nothing more you still want to be friends because you do not want her out of your life. You've had the discussion before and she remained your friend. Just be prepared that is all she may still want only to be friends.

 

I think you will drive yourself crazy if you don't ask her and what if she finds someone as a boyfriend while you are just her friend. You will forever live with the "What if", or "I should of" asked her.

[clynn]

Hmmm.

 

Probably it is true that she felt she wasn't ready for a boyfriend when she said that.

 

I wonder if by being friends you've been placed into that category in her mind.

 

Maybe make yourself a bit scarce for a while.

 

Then come around and then ask her out on a proper date again and let her know your intentions.

 

Some distance from you will give her time / space to think about whether she really wants a boyfriend. And, if so, if she wants you to be her boyfriend.

 

Just an idea.

[Spirit]

Hi go,

 

I feel for your situation... it's a very tough one, isn't it? From what I read... you might have to let her be proactive to make the next move to let things play out in your favour.

 

Then one day she tells me that she doesn't think she's ready for a boyfriend

 

I'm sorry go, but I interpret this as her saying "she doesn't see you in that way". In my experience, a single girl will be ready for a boyfriend... that is when the right prospect comes along.

 

Also, she was hanging with her ex-boyfriend... and I wouldn't consider what she said too literally about "no intentions getting back with him". The fact was that she was sometimes hanging with him -- and not with you. In my opinion, she'd be with you -- and not with her ex-boyfriend -- if she had any romantic feelings for you. go, you seem like a good guy... so please understand that her actions are nothing against your personality... or she wouldn't be hanging with you at all.

 

I'm glad that you called her again soon after her "let's just be friends" announcement. It showed her that you were unfazed by it (confidence, points for you), and she respected that as you two are good friends today.

 

go, I sense that you've been initiating most of the conversations/meetings with her... am I right about this? If so, you're making yourself too available, and she knows this. If you want to know how she feels about you... I suggest clynn's idea which I like: keep some distance between you and her for a while. I know that this will be extremely tough on you, but it'll reveal a lot. If she truly misses you (i.e. if she likes you as much as you like her)... she'll initiate the calls. Sorry man, but only then can I forsee some hope for you and your initial intentions.

 

go, let me, as a friend, give you some unsolicited advice: let the girl verbally express her feelings to you before you verbally express them to her (you were doing great... then you told her how you felt about her on the THIRD date? -- -- lots of pressure on her too soon, and you may have seemed a little needy to her... you have got to slow it WAY down next time!).