Is it me or her?

[throwaway1]

I apologise for the length, I don't have anyone else I can ask so I would really appreciate it if you could read this and give me your opinion.

I've posted this with a throw away account, I hope you don't mind I just really don't want to be identified.

 

 

I was with my ex for about 6 1/2yrs, we started going out when I was 16 and we split up when I was 22 (I'm almost 24 now).

 

We didn't have a very good relationship. Looking back at it now, we should never have gone out but she was my first (and currently only) girlfriend and I didn't have much experience of relationships.

 

When we first broke up I started reading posts here on how to get over your ex. It was then that I happened to read a few posts of men that had had emotionally abusive ex's and I noticed how similar they were to her.

 

She used to hit me, bite me, push me, shout in my face. She would stand in the way of the door so I couldn't get away and just keep going until I snapped and grabbed her arms or pinned her down just to stop her. At that point she would say I was violent and I would immediately burst into tears, hating myself for what I had done. She would then just leave and do something else.

 

It was only after reading here the words "imagine you're her and she's you" that I realised how bad that would be if it was the other way around and all I had done was prevent her from hitting me, I didn't her once. It sounds weird but I have a hard time seeing that unless I reverse the roles.

 

She used to accuse me of flirting with my female friends and vice versa. She eventually got rid of all of them all finding various reasons why I shouldn't be friends with them. Again I realise now that was a stupid thing to have done but I was naïve.

 

She used to blame me for everything, I think she even blamed me for her parents splitting up. I think she said it was because I was arguing with her which made her angry at her parents or something like that.

 

She blamed me for getting rid of her friends which I think did do. She cheated on me with one of her friends which made me insecure about her male friends (again we should have split up, I was naïve). It's no excuse but I think after that I did try to stop her hanging out with them. I don't think I did that with her female friends, as far as I can remember I wanted her to see them so I could have some time away from her. I can't remember though, maybe what she says is right and I did.

 

She blamed me for her not getting on well with her family because I made her spend all her time with me. I'm 99% sure I didn't do that, I used to try and not spend so much time with her so I could do other things.

 

She also used to bring up the fact that before we lived together, when we argued I would just ignore her texts/IM's and block her out. I did used to do that and I really regret doing it as it's really horrible.

It was only after we split up I realised she did that to me multiple times before I ever did. I've never done that to anyone else either. It sounds like I'm trying to make excuses, I'm not. I really regret doing that, I'm just trying to work out how much of this is my fault.

 

I know wasn't a perfect boyfriend. When we first started going out I think was OK, I didn't jealous, I didn't pressure her into anything and I was happy spending time on my own or with her, whatever she wanted.

By the end though I did get jealous, I had really low self-esteem, some days I just didn't want to get out of bed and I wasn't interested in sex although I still had to so she didn't get angry. I think at that point I might have been depressed, I certainly didn't want it to go on any more.

 

After we broke up I went NC. I've been trying to be positive, improve my self esteem and try to get back to how I used to be. I've been exercising, trying to make new plans and I've also recently started CBT therapy although I haven't had the courage to tell him this stuff and I'm about to run out of sessions.

 

I haven't been able to make any new friends, I've just been too scared to. That's why I'm asking this here, I have no one else.

 

 

About a year ago she contacted me and told me how much I've ruined her life and that everything was my fault. I apologised and felt so bad about it for weeks blaming myself.

 

A few days ago she contacted me again saying that I've ruined her life so much, that I've scarred her and that she still has problems because of me. I know I wasn't the best boyfriend and I used to hate myself so much for that.

This time though I've started to see she really wasn't very nice to me. As far as I can remember the things I did to her were blocking her out when we argued if we were apart, grabbing her to stop her hitting me and trying to get her not to hang out with her male friends after she cheated on me. I really regret doing all of those things but what she did to me, as far as I can tell, was a lot worse.

 

 

She used to try to be the victim in everything, even if she wasn't. I'm just worried that's what I'm doing now.

I feel like maybe I'm trying to shift the blame from me to her. I've tried to going through lists of what constitutes toxic relationships as honestly as I can and I have done things on those lists (which I hate myself for) but not many. If I do the same list with her she's done a lot more.

 

I just don't know if what she says is right and it is my fault or if it's her. How do I know and what should I do?

[ThatMan]

You already know what you must do. Each day is merely another opportunity to better yourself and your life in some small way. Any direction that you may take towards improvement is exactly what should be done. I can tell you already understand this because you've made the choice to enlist the aid of a professional.

 

There seems to be a certain motif to your story involving uncertainty; uncertainty in your own role in this, uncertainty in who should be assigned blame, uncertainty in how to respond to certain situations, and uncertainty of wondering if you've begun behaving in an inappropriate way. The fact of the matter is that anyone would feel uncertain of themselves after experiencing a relationship like this. And that's okay so long as you're committed to working through those experiences. I strongly implore you to bring this up with your therapist. You do not need to discuss the relationship itself if you're uncomfortable, rather, set a tangible goal of learning how to foster healthy relationships. This is something that you absolutely can accomplish and one of the first steps you may take is to begin discussing relationships in general within therapy.

 

When you're ready to discuss anything further you'll have the option.

 

There also seems to be an awful lot of 'should have' within your story. I think the nature of your relationship warrants some kind of lesson to consider in the future. Instead of saying, 'should have' yet again in the future, it might be a good idea to list certain behaviors that are unacceptable. This list would serve as an agreement with yourself of sorts. This is a method to hold yourself accountable to walk away from destructive, violent, and abusive behaviors. Should any the items on your list, which you would hold onto, happen to occur then you will hold yourself responsible for walking away, without discussion. Reading through your story there might be a few items to list...

 

I will look after my own welfare by refusing to tolerate...

 

• Any forms of violence including being struck, bit, pushed, or being restrained inside a room.
  
• Acts of profound disrespect such as infidelity.
  
• Being screamed at.
  

 

 

Alternatively, a second list may help you objectively focus on tangible goals in therapy. This list may simply be handed to the therapist without uttering a single word. Some possible ideas may include...

 

• I'm worried that I'm trying to become the victim in everything. Is this true?
  
• What can I do to prevent myself from contributing to toxic relationships?
  
• I've been scared to make new friends, what should I do?
  

 

 

Here's my own personal take on the situation...

Maybe you felt fear, obligation, or guilt during your relationship. Maybe wanting away time, alone time, or neglecting to send text messages was the only way you had to look after yourself since you struggled to break things off. Looking after yourself is never anything to be ashamed of. With that said, if I'm accosted by a stranger in the street, and I defend myself from him, I have committed a violent act. It is what it is - violence. Whether or not I judge my actions in the right or in the wrong won't change anything. Does that make sense? Although you defended yourself it was a violent act and it contributes nothing to a relationship. The better course of action is to hold yourself accountable to that list you will create of unacceptable behaviors. Should a person outright attack you, leave, and do so without committing violent acts if at all possible. There are other women who would never cheat on you, bite you, or scream their lungs out at you while inches from your face.

 

 

 

I also want to point out that restraining a person is considered a form of physical abuse. This may include whatever you immediately imagine such as a rope. Restraint my also include physically blocking a person and confining them through the use of your own body. This is what your Ex has done to you. She restrained you by blocking a doorway and the only possible way to exit, I imagine, is either out the window for tearing her out of the way. If she restrained you by blocking the doorway to prevent you from contacting first responders, she would have committed a criminal act known as domestic violence. Many states throughout the country have a zero tolerance for people who like to block doorways and prevent others from calling help. The police typically use the criteria of, "Are there documentable injuries to a person or property? Death threats? Or acts to deny others from contacting the authorities?"

 

Finally, people blame-shift, demonize, and hurt a spouse because this is their own way of justifying their behavior. Those who are pervasively abusive will blame their victims for their own actions. What important isn't culpability, but instead that commitment to looking after your own welfare and taking advantage of each opportunity to improve yourself. You'll get there eventually and it'll begin by doing the right thing by talking about the general topic with your therapist. As I've said: You don't even need to discuss your past relationship.

Edited May 5, 2014 by ThatMan

[travelbug1996]

It takes two to tango. You both played a part and neither of you were kind enough to each other. Just work on being a better person. Not perfect, just better, kinder, more understanding, more compassionate, more loving. Then find someone like yourself.